mostly void, partially stars

once again thinking about sam winchester being told that he's going to die if he finishes the trials and immediatly replying with "so?" cause like how does fucking show just throw a line like this and expect me to move on

So I got to 02x20 on my spn rewatch, and it's so crazy to think about Dean's djinn dream after having his journey in the last season in mind, cause look at it like this: Dean's thrown into the dream and gets his wish granted and, surprise, his wish is to simply to have a normal life with his family, to have his mother alive and none of the horrors ever happening, to work on cars and come home to a beautiful girl and have family dinners and mow the lawn (interesting to note that john isn't there lol but that's a whole other essay). Anyway, there's a problem in his dream world cause he and Sam aren't close, but up to that point he seems fully committed to staying there and just enjoying the life; he makes plans to mend his relationship with Sam, he doesn't seem to give a shit about not hunting if he has his family. And then he finds out about the people they saved being dead and he just. Decides to give it all up and get things back to the way they were. Because he feels like he can't choose his own happiness over their lives. Like can you IMAGINE wanting something so desperately your whole life, then finally getting it, and willingly letting it go because you care about the world and about people just that much?????? (I mean, obviously if he stayed in the dream he would just have died, but Dean didn't know that at the point, so we're looking at his thought process here) (A similar theme is explored again in 13x14, although not as well executed as in s2, but it shows that Dean's heart's desire stays the same: his family). And it just got me thinking about the last episodes and how Chuck called him the ultimate killer, and how Dean said that's not what he is, and he always saw himself as a weapon but maybe it just took him that long to realize that he was ALWAYS driven by love, not just for his family but for everyone, and then we have Cas's speech: "Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." Anyway behind the emotionally constipated exterior that man is so full of love it literally defines his entire character, it makes me want to scream my head off thanks for coming to my ted talk I'll just be lying on the floor for the next 3 days or something like that

rewatching the doctor falls and bawling my eyes out at the "who I am is where I stand and where I stand is where I fall" line because this finale as a whole is such a perfect conclusion to 12th's whole arc, the man who spent his first season trying to know if he's a good man, who ended his second season trying to be the man who wins and to beat all the laws of time and death for someone he loves, and then to actually die fighting a losing battle which he knows it's a losing battle, this time not because he wants to win, but just because it's kind; because, in answer to the question that has haunted his whole run, he is, in fact, a good man, even when there is no hope or witness or reward, he falls where he stands being who he is and that is the doctor; I think s9 specially dealt a lot with a theme that had been ongoing since the end of s7, of The Doctor as a title and as a promise, which he sometimes he struggles a lot with, something he can be "on a good day if he tries very hard", and the duality of that and the "real him", who can't quite keep up with the promise, who chose his face specifically so he can remember it, so I think it's so interesting that s9 ends on the note of "the doctor is no longer here, you are stuck with me" and s10 ends with "I am not a doctor, I am the doctor, the original you might say" because it really gives a sense of his character being fully realized and of him being in peace of who he is and closes everything so beautifully.