someone

I don’t think that I am depressed. I know that I experience depression. I have survived through depression, even after depression consumed me for a while. Darkness consumed me. In every way there is to consume a human being. Mentally. Physically, emotionally. And even spiritually. I never gave up because I fear eternal hell. And fearing my mom finding a lifeless daughter. 

I miss my mom. I miss her everyday and I miss healing her inherited pain. I miss supporting her and lifting her up whenever she cried. I miss being her soft and comforting shoulder. It kills me to be away from her because I know that I will always be the one person she can confide in and trust the most. How can I protect her from people and cultural jail if I’m all the way over here? I do my best. Phone calls and FaceTime. Supportive texts. It helps, I think. 

Life is better now, though. I don’t feel as lonely as before. I’m not as sad as I used to be. I found my person. My new home. New life. Do I miss my old life? No, but I miss family. I miss the noise. The banter and the laughs. I miss my youngest brother who I helped raise and feed. I miss his hugs and also being his soft, comforting shoulder. I miss being close to them. I miss arguing with my dad, who I turned out to be so much like. Questioning everything and trusting no one. 

I trust my husband, though. I trust him to never hurt me, and to be patient with me through darker, sad days. Sad days never left my room in my old life. I trust him to comfort me and to be there when I need him. And so far he understands me, I think. His hugs are healing and warm. He is warmth. And he is my life now. I don’t know what good I did in this life to ever deserve him. To find someone who literally melts away your sadness just from a hug, and comforting, loving words is truly a blessing. Someone who understands, who could never judge you, or leave you when things get dark. I thank God daily. 

My back is broken..

Yet my knees haven’t crumbled under

earths heavy rock.

I smile wider as my fingers bleed through mama’s lovely hair.

Has the world ever seen such beauty?

“Does it hurt?” Mama asks, as she glances at my bloody, shaking hands.

“No mama..” I tell her, as I wince and bite back my tears.

Pain.

Pain masked with smiles and laughs galore.

I shield you from my tears and I only cry when it rains, because my tears are not worth shedding yours.

My back is broken, mama.

Oh how I wish you were stronger.

And I wish that you could see my heart.

Because words could never articulate my love for you and what I am willing to do to achieve your happiness.

So I will hide from you, mama.

I will wash these bloody hands,

and I will straighten this broken spine.

Because I want you to be happier, mama.

It’s exhausting, wearing a mask around the people I’ve been around since the day I was born. Growing up in a home where bottling up emotions and not expressing our thoughts was not only a harmful habit, but also a cultural, emotional prison. I often think to myself how I’ve been so weak to carry on these toxic habits, but then realize it takes every ounce of my strength and energy not to burst into tears before my stressed mother, or scream words of frustration at my father. I shouldn’t pity them, but I do. Married too young and knew no better than to submit to cultural expectations and live by none other than the desires of the elders around them.

One lesson I’ve learned from my upbringing is to never allow my future children or partner to feel unloved or uncared for. My daughter will never feel like she has to lock herself away in her room just to release buckets of tears and my son will never feel that expressing emotion is weakness. I will never stop making an effort to make my husband happy and will always ensure he feels loved and supported. The words “I love you” will be the most uttered words in our home and it will never be a struggle to say them.

a breeze for a moment,

a comfort to my soul,

I face withdrawals,

because I held them so close,

too close to my heart,

I followed them blindly,

blinded by a feeling,

oh how strong of a feeling,

it ripped me apart,

in two it tore my heart,

so why do I let this feeling,

this lovely yet deadly feeling,

hover over me still?

Numb,

Heart beat like a drum

once, now flat like a hum,

Shakes in my rib cage as

sobs escape through chest pain,

Rain, I can’t end the rain,

I blink through two waterfalls,

Teardrops flood my windowpanes,

I lean on wet glass,

A storm within and storm above,

Handprints reflect long for escape,

Escape that would never come.