a glimpse from the gutter

i think it's funny when people think themselves outsiders because they have "different" interests. i mean. have you tried going batshit insane though

announcing my suicide since 2006

no wait. i should definitely kill myself

i'd really love to be the person who can work two physically strenuous jobs. and i'm so jealous of kids (aka 20 year olds) who make twice my salary because they're functional human beings. yet another thorn in my side that's making me want to kill myself :(

i really genuinely think i'm unable to fully enjoy life. i'm not built for living. it's been like this for literal decades. it's just like anne sexton said "listen, life is lovely but i just can't live it" or rather i don't know how. i don't enjoy it, i have no discipline to develop those micro habits that are supposed to give my days structure and improvement because i simply do not possess enough will to live. it's like depression became a core part of my personality ever since i was a tween. and it's getting worse by the year even though, ironically, i've never been more emotionally mature lol

Um.