Single Mommin' Ain't Easy

Why? Postpartum depression. That shit is for the birds, let me tell you. And I ignored it, for 5 1/2 months until I couldn't. Until taking care of my son felt like torture. Until I hated myself. Until the thought of getting out of bed physically pained me. And I reached out. I called my doctor and I did what I was supposed to do, and I still feel numb. And I don't understand. Because I feel like I have this mom thing down for the most part. I know Archer, we have a schedule, we don't have insane nights anymore, and hell I even have Archer sleeping in his crib! I'm seeing a great guy, and really enjoying it. I have an awesome job, that I've always wanted. But I still feel messed up, I feel dark and twisty. And I had no idea that everything can be going right and you can still feel so wrong. So I'm verbalizing, I'm getting my thoughts out and I'm trying not to keep to myself. Because sleeping isn't happening anymore, I have to force myself to eat, and most days, even taking a shower feels like a chore. But I will conquer this, I will get through it, because Archer deserves the world, and I will give it to him. This shit ain't easy, but being the mama to Archer is always worth it.

Life has gotten out of control, and I don't mean just the normal crazy single mom stuff, it's just busy. So it's been a really long time since I wrote anything but I'm actually genuinely happy. My son is 5 months old today and although I still have messy court shit happening, I'm so blessed with this little sassy bundle, he definitely gives me a run for my money. We are working on sleeping, like usual. But I'm trying my best to enjoy him while he's little even if I am super stressed in the process.. I started seeing someone. It's like nothing I've ever experienced. He is the most genuine human being I have met, in male form, and I keep pinching myself because it's almost too good to be true. He really cares about me, in the sweetest of ways, and I'm finally being treated like I should have been a long time ago. I'm just super happy about it and I cannot wait to see how he shows the same tenderness towards Archer when the time comes. Dating is not easy though. Trying to find time to hangout that doesn't conflict with our work schedules, our kids schedules and whatever else you could through in there, that ain't easy. But I'm happy, I accepted a wonderful job, Archer is happy and healthy, and I have the chance at a wonderful relationship. It still isn't easy, but man it's feeling a lot more worth it lately.

So, I had that dreaded court date today. I hate how anxious I am, my stomach turns into a self destructing liquid lava mess and I almost throw up/shit my pants because of my nerves. I know, attractive. But this morning, I'm working myself into probably my tenth ulcer, when I had this pull to watch this pastor I recently reposted a video of on my Facebook. So as I'm getting presentable, I'm listening to this sermon about anxiety and it's like my worries were being washed away, not completely of course, I'm still human. But I just had this confidence upon me and as I rushed out the door with Archer, I felt like super woman. Last week I had this same pull, life felt like it was spinning out of control and it was like someone was in my head telling me to go to church. So I texted my friend Tyler and I went with her family last Sunday. It was like the sermon was being preached directly to me, like I was the only one in the room. It all clicked. This is what I've been missing, this is why life has been out of control, why I've been challenged and tried. Today while I walked to the court house, I was shaking. Not only from the nasty cold weather but from not knowing what was about to happen. For the first time in two years, I prayed. Like I actually, whole heartedly prayed. But I prayed differently. I prayed with understanding. I didn't ask for anything but guidance. To understand the plan that is chosen for me and to be able to accept it. And you know what? The nerves went away, at least the visible shaking. My ex did not show up to mediation, he did not reply to the papers court sent him, and as I walked out of the court house, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. My son is safe. Clearly, he wants nothing to do with him and although he's missing out on the most perfect boy, it is for the best. I will not have to worry that Archer is in harms way. Life is so good. This isn't my typical post but they all won't be talking about 60 poop diapers, getting peed on, or getting woken up every two hours. But they will all be honest and real life. It still isn't easy, being a single mama is rough, being a mama is rough, but it's always worth it.

I feel like a bad mom for even writing this but maybe some mamas out there can relate. I'm losing patience with my fussy 3 month old, quickly and I'm completely embarrassed by it. I know he can't help that his tummy hurts, he's overstimulated or that he's just fussy. But with all the stress of being a single mama, battling depression and anxiety, starting school, and the dreaded court date I have this week, I'm wearing thin. Now don't get me wrong, I love my perfect little boy with every inch of my heart. But as I'm rocking my son, on my lap belly down, with his head cradled on my arm so he will stop screaming like a crazy person, and wondering how I'm going to sleep sitting up, I'm 100% wishing he was sleeping in his crib. I'm wishing he didn't need my constant touch to stay asleep or some type of movement. And I feel guilty for that. Especially because one day he's going to be too "cool" to cuddle with his mama. But this dude is glued to me 24/7, and I'm going to use that to justify the fact that it is, dare I say it?, NORMAL, to feel this way. Now I'm the type of mama who used to feel completely horrible and like an incompetent mother when I had to leave my hurricane like child, screaming in a room alone because I just needed a 5 second break. But now, if I didn't, my brain would be more crazy than it is already. Now I'm rambling. The point of this post is, as mamas, we get told a lot that, "oh but when it's your own kid, things are different". Uhm, I'd like to call BULLSHIT! Because let's be real, it doesn't matter that you carried them inside you for however many months and brought them into this world whatever way you did. They get on your nerves. No one can handle someone attached to you 24/7. No one can handle a constant, screaming baby. No one can handle zero sleep. No one can handle bouncing a baby 24/7 while swaying and shushing. You can handle those things in increments, with breaks, maybe some wine and chocolate, but if anyone tells you their screaming child brings them complete delight 24/7, check if they are wearing a straight jacket or have them do a breathalyzer because they've gotta be drunk or nutty. You are not alone. It is okay to feel this way. Acknowledge it. Talk to someone. Get a babysitter. Have a momdate. Let someone help. You've got 18 + years of this craziness and it ain't going to get any easier, but like always mamas, it will always be worth it.

When you are in a challenging point in life, what's the best thing to hear? I'll give you a hint, it's not "it's going to get better", "you will be okay", and it definitely isn't "it's not that bad." That isn't what is going to get you through that challenging point, you know you'll be okay, that it will get better, and that it could be worse. Humans survive, it's what we do best. Being a first time mom is my challenging point in life, being a single mom is even more challenging. And when you feel like you fail, even when you try so hard, it drains you. This is why I started this, I needed a place to vent and maybe make another mom not feel so alone. Tonight I was texting my best friend since basically birth, we are both new moms, and it was so comforting for her to say how hard it is and how she doesn't know what to do when either, it's a breath of fresh air. That is what you need to hear when you are going through a challenging point, people who feel as you feel and aren't afraid to admit that this shit is hard. My son took 2 one hour naps from 5am-8:30pm today. Two fucking one hour naps. This boy is like the energizer bunny and Mama cannot keep up. But he was in the best mood, smiling, giggling, chatting up a storm, he even rolled during tummy time (although gravity had a lot to do with it). Days like today it's hard to be mad that he didn't nap because we had such a good day. I am completely exhausted and gave up trying to get him into his crib. I'm a firm believer when he's ready, he will go willingly. But that's okay, because there is tomorrow and I get another night of sweet baby cuddles, waking up to his gummy smile and having his little hand on my chest. It doesn't get much better than that. Remember the good days when you have a bad day, and that is what will get you through. The smiles overpower the tears, the giggles overpower the screams, and happy days overpower the restless nights. It ain't easy Mamas, but it will always be worth it. Learn to rest when you're tired, don't quit. A little human counts on you every day, keep your sanity intact though, because your happiness matters just as much as theirs.

On top of being peed on three times before 7am, my lil man decided that 5am was a great time to start the day and has not slept yet, it's 11am.... Now I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible, but any parent who's kid sleeps over 8 hours straight under the age of 6 months old, I'd like to punch in the throat. Not really, but when my kid is fighting the urge to sleep, even though his eyelids are close to being permanently closed, that is how I feel. Because when you're tired, anything rational goes out the window. And for all you other single mamas out there, you know there isn't a "honey please take the next feeding so I can sleep a total of 6 to 8 hours." Nope it's a, "Mama, I'm going to scream at 2,4, and 5, so you have to bounce me until your arms fall off, the bags under your eyes increase in size, and you are not energized when I want to be wide awake at 5am ready to party." Say it with me, CAFFEINE PLEASE. This is definitely one of the things they warn you about when you're pregnant. "Get all the sleep you can now, because you won't sleep a full night again until they are 18, hahaha!" True, 100% truth. Because even if your kid does sleep a long stretch, mine once slept a whopping 6 hours straight, I woke up, in a panic, thinking it was 2am(usual wake up time) when it was really 5am. So you still won't sleep peacefully. Besides all the first time mom scares, "is he still breathing?" "Did he learn to roll over and is now suffocating because his arm is stuck in front of his face?" "Did he pull the blanket over his head and into his mouth?" And so on and so forth, it took me 2 weeks to realize that I'm bat shit crazy, nothing is going to happen and if I don't get some sleep soon, I am going to keep hallucinating that my little boy is a little girl(yes, that actually happened). So while I fall asleep, eating my lunch, while my kid talks to the tv in his swing, being all sorts of defiant. Remember, you aren't crazy, children make you feel that way, sleep deprivation makes you feel that way, and it ain't easy, but always worth it.

I went to my bff’s house today, just so I could take a shower today alone, and of course visit with her. But that fact that I needed to drive 15 minutes, so I could take a shower alone, which I haven’t done in a week, that just shows mommin’ ain’t easy, but this sweet boy is snoring next to me, cuddled up into me and all it took was my touch to bring him back to his angel state, and that makes it all worth it, so I guess I’ll keep him another night ;)

Side note; totally typed this one handed, with a screaming child in my ear and it took me almost two hours to finish, crazy right? This is why I don’t vlog. It definitely ain’t easy, but it will always be worth it ;)