You're Doing It Wrong

It was called the Close Line Project and it was an exhibit put on by Vera House. We stood there for what felt like forever reading every single shirt. Every single word that these people that experienced such destruction had to say. We both stood there with tears in our eyes..in silence. We would point at one that was particularly moving but didn’t really say much to each other.  It was a very empowering experience.  And a very personal one as well.

I have struggled with writing this since I got the idea for this entry. Not because I am afraid of people hearing my story but the emotions that it might bring up. But often times a little self reflection can be cathartic  and can also help others who may have similar experiences as me.

After all, that’s what this blog is intended for. To make myself and others feel like they aren’t alone in the struggle.

I am an independent woman. Hear me roar.  

For a long time now, I have lived a life where I don’t need anyone. Like I said before, I live alone. I pay my bills. I live pretty comfortably. I have made a life for myself that makes it hard for me to bring anyone else into it. I have a barrier up against people. I am a take no crap kind of person. I come off as shy a lot of the time but I have an Irish temper. I am fiercely protective of my friends, especially when it comes to other guys that hurt them. I am overly cautious about where I go, and who I go with. New people freak me out. I try to blame it on my introversion, but I know that’s not true.. because really I’m not an introvert at all. I am friendly to everyone but I only have a few close friends. Very few people in my life get deeper than the surface. I am guarded, and cautious, and mostly ruled by fear.

I always ask myself, why can’t I lighten up? Why can’t I just go out and meet new people... Have new experiences. You know, like a normal person.  Why don’t you accept more of the dates you are asked on? Why are you constantly questioning peoples motives? Why don’t you put yourself out there more? Why do you ask every man that asks you out of he is a murderer?

There is one word that can encompass the reason for all of those questions.

Anxiety.

Throughout my college years, I never had a problem. I would meet anyone, do anything, go anywhere.

That all changed the night of November 20, 2010.

1 in 3 women are victims of sexual assault. 1 in 3.  I am part of that statistic.

I went to a bar to meet some friends for some drinks. Most people that know me, know that I am not a big drinker. I never have been and never will be. That night, I decided I was going to be a drinker. My friend that I had gone with had left the bar without me and without telling me for the night but I didn’t want to leave.  My friend offered to let me stay at his apartment above the bar. So I agreed and continued on with my night.

I continued to drink in a room full of strangers. I continued to drink in an apartment full of strangers.  I fell asleep at some point on the couch in a room full of strangers.

I woke up in a different room than where I fell asleep with someone touching me. Someone on top of me licking my face and trying to get in to my pants. Thank Dumbledore for the existence of SPANKS. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening.

I punched him in the face. And he stopped. He got off of me and disappeared. 

I laid there for a minute or two trying to figure out what to do. Trying to understand what had just happened for me. Thinking about  LUCKY I was that I could stop something like that from happening to me because a lot of other women aren't as lucky. I was in a pitch black room and realized he was sitting in the chair next to me staring at me.

I got up and found my shoes and my purse and walked out of the house and didn’t look back. To this day, I have no idea who it was.  To this day I can never point at anyone and say “That is the man that tried to rape me”.

I called my friend to come get me... I couldn’t breathe or speak I was crying so hard. I sat down on the sidewalk and started to hyperventilate. I realized my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. She came and got me and I cried..and cried.. and cried. I didn’t eat for days after that. I couldn’t do anything but cry.

I told my family because I didn’t want to be one of those people that kept it inside and suffered in silence. My friend that came to pick me up that night...never spoke to me again.

After that night... that one night, I developed a bit of anxiety. I don’t get panic attacks, but I get terrible stomachaches when I am about to go in to a new situation.  When I am going to be in a room full of people that I don’t know I try to come up with reasons why I shouldn’t go. Every where I go,  with the exception of a few friends, I have to drive myself. I need to have an exit strategy. I don’t like staying places overnight. I don’t like feeling like I am trapped.  

Because of that one night.. because of that “man” my life was changed forever.

So here I am trying to date.. trying to meet strangers out in public and all I can think of is what could go wrong. I worry about being in danger. I worry about how to leave a situation that I don’t want to be in for fear that I am going to be hurt.

That is a HUGE barrier that I work every day to overcome.

I guess there is always a silver lining to every bad situation. From that experience I realized a lot about myself. And one of those things I realized is that I identify as a feminist. I am a feminist because I am one of the lucky ones. I am a feminist because I find it appalling that a woman has to change the way she walks, the way she talks, what she says, who she’s with, where she goes, how she arrives and leaves, how she dresses, how she acts, all for the purpose of self protection to not be raped. I will shout from the rooftops about the way women should be treated.  I am independent not because I want to be.. but because I need to be. Sometimes I am little outspoken about this.  I will fight anyone to the death about why feminism is necessary. I have a stance. I have an opinion.  You will hear me. 

But I also do it for my friends that who have had similar experiences.  I do it for people I don’t know who share this experience with me. 

I was lucky. I try to tell myself that every day. But I know a lot of women aren’t.  I know a lot of women are in dangerous situations and don’t know it until it’s too late. 

I am not jaded because I want to be... I am jaded because life has taught me that I need to be.

It is a daily struggle for me to not let this experience affect my life. Now that I am trying to date, it seems to rear it’s ugly head more than I would like it to. I am hoping that with sharing my story that I can start to heal. That I can start to move forward and start giving life a little bit more of a chance. To let more people in to my bubble ( within reason) than I usually do.

Maybe try to be a bit more trusting of people. Maybe try to force myself to experience more new things with new people. When I have that feeling of panic that I don’t to do something or go somewhere, I should move through it and see what else life has to offer.

I want to see the world. I want to travel. I want to volunteer. I want to meet as many people as I possibly can. I want to have as many amazing experiences in this life of mine that I can.

I need to learn that this experience does not dictate how I live the rest of my life.

“This asshole robbed me of my peace of mind and my right to associate and socialize with whomever I want. All men have us looking over our shoulders.”

All forward motion counts.

I like to go to psychics. Judge me all you want but I think they are fun and sometimes insightful. Even if it’s complete bull crap, most of the time the people who claim to be psychic can get a really good read on me and at least give me a direction I should be going in.  I’ve had some spot on experiences but that’s another story for another time.

So this particular story brings us to the Syracuse Psychic Convention at the Holiday Inn. I dragged my siblings (some willing, and some not so willing) along with me. I ended up going to two different people. The first lady told I needed some chapstick and that she saw air balloons floating around a lava lamp. So, needless to say, I didn’t really take away anything from that. 

My sister had walked away with a really good experience from another woman so I decided to give her a try, and I am very glad I did. Amongst other things, she said that I need to make a large change in my life. Do something for myself because I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to make others happy and not really take care of myself. 

As she was putting down the cards she got to one that looked like a knight in shining armor ( you know, my type ;-) ). She “ooh-ed” and “ahh-ed”. She said that there is a man coming in to my life that is pretty much everything that I’ve been looking for. She said that we are going along as two parallel lines that will eventually intersect and it will just be like a light bulb kind of moment.  She said that this guy will be coming in to my life 7 months to 1 year after I make a “big change in my life”… what that is, she couldn’t really say. 

At this point it could be a great many things. It could be my trip to England that I bought a week later. It could be that I decided that I am going to adult and start saving/looking/thinking about looking for a house. I could be anything.

But overall it got me thinking about dating and my lack of progress. It made my wonder if putting myself out there in the world of online dating was worth it. Or if I should just keep living my life and see what comes along.  Whether or not this psychic was for real,  I considered if all the effort and frustration was worth it.  I start to question what am I doing it all for? I have always been pretty independent. I live alone and pay my own bills. I have amazing friends. I have family that would do anything for me. I have good job. I am pretty smart. I am fluent is sarcasm. You know, all the important things. But this is like the one missing puzzle piece. I can't seem to find one that fits.

In the end, I decided to at least keep an online presence while I am waiting for my “meet-cute” in a coffee shop.

Cut to my most recent experience with a potential suitor that ended in hell fire of disappointment.

A friend of mine convinced me to get back on tinder.. even though I’d sworn it off as being useless.

So as you might have guessed, I met a guy.  His name was Mike. He is a graphic designer. Goofy looking nerdy guy. We had good conversation, good connection… all of that.  He asked me out on a date. We set a time and a date and continued conversing.  After continuing to talk ( and me making him ask me for my number.. because he wasn’t doing it and my data was being eaten up…so a girl had to do what a girl had to do).. we decided that if the weather was night we might go walk around downtown after we grabbed a drink or we might go see Batman vs. Superman. I said I wanted to see it so I could see how bad it was with my own eyes… 

The night before the date, I had class and texted him when I got out of class like I said I would. And much to my surprise..no answer.  *sigh*

I was going straight from work to drinks so I got ready in the morning for the date in the evening.   Went to work, started the day…still nothing.  It got to be about 1 or 2 pm and I was PISSED. I was talking to my friends at work saying that I wasn’t going to go if he wasn’t going to text to me at all. I didn’t want to go to just be stood up. I knew that the date was probably not happening for whatever reason and I was annoyed.  My friend finally took my phone from me and texted him to confirm our date. HE DIDN’T ANSWER ME FOR THREE HOURS.  At which point he said that he had a busy day at work and needed to reschedule.

Haven’t heard from him since. 

Here is where the frustration comes in to play. And the lack of accountability that any man I meet seems to have. It makes me wonder if being a cat lady might just be what’s in the cards for me.

Mind you, if I were to listen to the psychic this guy wasn’t  going to be anything special to me in the long run because 7 months to 1 year had not passed. However,  It is very frustrating ( I know I keep using that word) to get my hopes up… to be excited for something and then be disappointed yet again. 

I hear a lot that my standards are too high. That I expect too much from a guy and that maybe the guy that I am looking for doesn’t exist.

But at this point, I’m just looking for a normal date! This had been the first date since November when I had to be rescued in the bar. So I had a finally decided that I was going to go out again in the hopes that I was not going to have my foot molested again.

I can feel myself building the wall up, brick by brick. I am becoming jaded and cynical about finding someone. I hope that eventually I will be able to look back at this point in my life.. this adventure that I am sharing with you, and be able to laugh. To tell myself it was all worth it. But until that time comes, I am going to make you share the struggles with me.

I am hoping the next one will be me sharing good news instead of me acting like the president of the “Man haters club”… applications accepted.

I am hoping that after I got this out in writing that I will feel a little bit better about the struggle. Thanks for coming along. Sorry it’s been a bit bumpy lately.

“There are years that question, and years that answer”

This is a year of questions thus far.

More to come as per usual.

So first of all, Happy New Year!  ( A little, late but the sentiment remains the same.)

Overall, 2015 kicked my butt up and down the street. But in the end I came out a stronger, better person than I was going in. So thank you 2015, it was nice knowing you. 

But enough about 2015; 2016 is here and in full swing. I have decided that this is this the “Year of Me.” I am doing a little soul searching an figuring out what I can do to better my life so that I can be in a good place no matter what life decides to throw at me.  You may have notice my “Happiness is” on instagram and Facebook.  I am trying to look around me more often and figure out what makes me happy with my life. I am finding it quite rewarding.

That leads me to an interesting experience I had at a New Years Eve party. 

A common question I am asked is “how is online dating going?” To which my normal response is “it’s going.” (I had been talking to one guy for awhile at that point but that went no where.. more on that later.) So this night was no different than any other night I spend with my friends. It is an important adventure in my life and I am not particularly quiet about the fact that I am doing it… hence the blogging about it.

At the party, I was with two good friends, my forever friend Ashley, and our mutual (equally awesome) friend, Jen. Both of whom have been with their significant others for years and years, so they missed the wonderful world of modern dating/online dating. So we were talking about the whole experience and I showed them my profile on OkCupid. We discussed that the profile perfectly describes me. I believe Jen said “if I saw you on here I’d date you!” We talked about the issues I have where no one really answers me when I send messages. And that any real conversations I am having with anyone seem to fizzle to nothing.  We could not come up with anything that I was doing “wrong” that would cause me to not have a lot of results on these sites.

So I decided that it was a good idea to ask Ashley and Jen’s husbands what they saw. Mind you, these two men were slightly lit, and had both obviously been out of the game as long as Ashley and Jen had.

So I handed them my phone and had them take a look at it.  

The results I got were quite enlightening and gave me a lot to think about.

 It is important to note here that Ashley’s husband, Derek,  has known me in some capacity since the 8th grade when Ashley and Derek started dating. Everybody aww.. I’ll wait…   Okay, now that that’s over :-)… and Jen’s husband Evan, had only met me handful of times in his life. 

I found out that overall I look like a nerd (in the most positive of connotations, but a nerd nonetheless). I also talk a lot about books and may seem too smart to be approached by someone. 

 To which I responded, I AM a nerd, I DO like books, and I AM smart. I was at first dumbfounded by this response.  I didn’t understand how these things could be deterrents to potential suitors.  After talking more about the situation I learned that a lot of what I am presenting can come off as intimidating, for lack of a better word. Looking at my profile as it is, makes it difficult for a man to take hold of something he can relate to and start a conversation with me about it.

But in the end, because of these facts, no one was pickin’ up, what I was puttin’ down. If you catch my drift.

From this enthralling conversation I learned that I need to consider my online profile not only as a reflection of me, but it also needs to be arranged in such a way that it attracts those I am marketing myself to: men. 

 It reminds me of those old dating videos people would submit to match making companies in the 80′s and 90′s to show to potential women or men. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You might have seen this gem floating around the inter webs. As cheesy and ridiculous as these may seem, it is basically the same situation that I am going through right now, only modernized, but thankfully, not quite as creepy and mullet-y.  

I have a small area of space to display photos of myself that best reflect my adorableness as well as make someone understand who I am and why they should want me. #MeganforPresident?  So I need to utilize this space to the best advantage as possible.

I ended up taking off some one the repetitive things off of my profile that show that I like to read, that I like books, and that I never intentionally leave the house my without kindle. I understand now how that can be difficult for someone to talk to me about.. because not only does it make me look nerdy, but it also makes me look a little boring.  Reading is a very solitary hobby and does leave room for someone to join me in the past time. 

I still have not changed the bulk of the “About Me” section. It still says (if you need reminding):

Quirky, book lover. Introverted Extrovert. Optimist with an Umbrella. Aspiring Jeopardy Constant. Sherlock Enthusiast.

I still get about the same amount of absurd messages that I did before. 

So there is still work to do.

I don’t know about you, but I was not looking at online dating that way until I learned that I should.  I need to “learn to forgive myself not knowing what I didn’t know until I learned it.”

The struggle continues.

More to come. (sooner than later, promise)

Stage 1: Denial

Stage 2: Blind Hatred

Stage 3: Thinking it’s all a joke

Stage 4: Reasoning

Stage 5: Thoughts of Murder and Needing Carbs

Stage 6: Emma Thompson.

I haven't had much luck lately in the dating arena, so I have been trying to figure out a new blog subject that didn’t come off particularly ranty due to my lack of “interesting men” to discuss.. 

But I don’t think I am going to succeed in this entry. 

So apologies in advance.

I just got off the phone with a very close friend who just had her heart broken by a guy that she really liked. They had  been dating for a a bit and it  was going well and he broke up with her because he “wasn’t feeling it.”  No warning signs. No red flags. No appearances of hesitation. And now my friend is in a puddle of tears wondering what went wrong.

Now some of you may commend him for acknowledging his feelings and doing something about it before he dragged her along. But I would disagree with that thought process. It confuses me how someone can bring someone into their life in such a close way and then just be like “meh. I’m not feeling it. -laterz.”  In this day and age, (yes, I used that phrase) it seems like men (boys might be a better word if I felt like being condescending) have constant ADD when it comes to dating woman. In my humble opinion, I would argue that it’s because there are endless amounts of options thanks to apps like tinder and the acceptability of online dating.  They find something they like and they see something else shiny and *POOF*. In her case, he was came over and did it in person but sometimes people now don’t get that. 

And then friends like me are left flabbergasted at how men have such power to take a girls heart and be careless with them. It makes no sense to me. 

It’s like what they say with Seinfeld. If they had paid attention to the ratings in the first few months of the show, the show would have been cancelled and there would have been “No soup for you!”. 

Now I am not saying in any way that you should stay with someone when you don’t want to, or just decide you don’t like the person or for whatever reason that makes a relationship not work. What I find appauling is the blasé way that men seam to weasel out of relationships these days.  It’s like a game. And I don’t like this game.  I don’t have a rule book and me, and woman like me, end up losing.

This brings me to a convenient segway where I discuss this other phenomenon that I have become somewhat of an expert in. That phenomenon is called “ghosting”.  

I am not the ghoster.. I am the ghostee? ghosted? Maybe? 

For those of you who don’t know what “ghosting” is, it is when someone, a friend, a lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. just disappears out of your life. They don’t answer calls. They don’t answer texts. They block you on social media.  They turn into ghosts. Again with the *POOF*.   I have had very close friends do it to me in the not so recent past. No explanation. No reason. Just gone.  

Ghosting seems to be the new way to break up with people or to tell someone (or not tell someone in this case) you are no longer interested or don’t want to be their friend anymore. It is the cowards way out. It lets the person doing the ghosting not have to be accountable to the other person they have created a relationship with. As you can see from my entry about my ex-boyfriends I have experienced this is in friendships and in boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships. (you can click on “ex-boyfriends and it will bring you to the article I wrote.. I just figured out how to do that.. I am mighty proud of myself.) It is exhausting to go through.  It is exhausting to realize that someone who you thought was a permanent or a semi-permenant object in your life doesn’t have the common decency to give e you an explanation about why they don’t want you in their lives anymore. No option to work it out. No option to hear their side. No option to hear my side. Nothing. 

*POOF*.

Just...gone. 

Again, with this endless use of technology that connects us, it is so easy to just turn someone off. There are so many other people out there. It’s like they take that old adage “there are plenty of fish left in the sea”, and they run with it.  And I am not the type to go banging on someones door (EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE MY STUFF) so I just have to let it happen. I am of the opinion, after many lessons that taught me so, that if someone wants to leave my life like than I shouldn’t chase. I don’t chase. Ever.  My mother always says “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” 

I am particularly sensitive about this subject currently because it appears to have happened to me again. This time in not such a profound way.. just more of an annoyance.  Nice few dates. Good conversation. Promise of seeing each other again. Apparent chemistry. The AGAIN, with the *POOF*. 

It is difficult for me to decide that someone is allowed in my life, and allowed to get close to me, because people appear to decide that I am expendable. I’ve learn that all the times I spend culminating a relationship, sharing my secrets, my laughter, my weird quirkiness  can end up wasted because I end up not being important enough to that person or persons to keep around. I learn not to get attached. I become standoffish and guarded. I develop Resting Bitch Face or RBF. (There are support groups for RBF. I know I am not alone :-) ) 

So when I learned there was a word for what these people do and that it has become more and more of a “thing” to do, it breaks my heart. Because I know what it feels like to feel that way, repeatedly.  I know what it feels like to wonder what the hell you did wrong. Where it all went wrong. Why wasn’t I worth at least a fight? 

Either way, no matter how someone you care about leaves your life, it freaking sucks. There is no right way to do it, I suppose. 

But men, be careful with our hearts. 

 But leave the ghosts for Halloween. 

As one of my favorite literary characters has famously said:

“What’s comin’ will come and we’ll meet it when it does.”  - Rubeus Hagrid 

(he also also credited with “yer’ a wizard ‘arry” but that doesn’t apply to this situation).

Oh, did I mention boys are dumb?

If none of this is happening then "he's just not that into you." It's supposed to help you know when you are wasting your time.

Based on my past dating history and my knowledge of men, this tends to be the case. It is the simplicity and the bane of my dating life. It is a constant head game trying to figure out if a guy is just being a guy or if “ he’s just not that into me”

I constantly find myself rationalizing why a guy I might be talking to isn’t answering my text or calling me or wanting to see me. I will come up with any kind of excuse I can think of. You know the typical ones: “ oh, I’m sure he’s busy”. Or… Nope. That’s really the only one I ever consider. But what I really should be telling myself is that I’m interesting. I’m fun to talk to. I’m low maintenance and he could just say hi or check in.

But no, what I do is I rationalize why someone doesn’t have time for me and how it’s my fault. Now, it’s not like I have that many guys of substance knocking at my door. So when someone I think might be promising is not acting interested or pursing me, it’s frustrating. That’s the buzz word of this blog. Frustrating. It’s difficult because as we have all been conditioned to know and to expect: it’s the guy that the girl has to wait for. It’s the guy that actually had to like the girl in order to be asked out. To a female, the guy holds the cards. Yes, I am sure that guys experience the same thing when they are interested in a girl. But on my end, and based on my aforementioned philosophy, it appears that I am always waiting for a man to think I’m good enough for him to spend time with.

I end up twiddling my thumbs and waiting for someone to make a move that is probably never going to come.

I also wanted to address something from my previous blogs. I feel like I make it look like I need a guy. It appears that I have barely been single, when in reality I haven’t had a real solid relationship since 2006. That’s almost 10 years without a guy who is physically here. The concept of dating someone in front of me is so foreign to me.

JL ( Justin. ) and I dated for a long time but really I was single because he wasn’t here. It was the most toxic long distance relationship that exists. It was such an abstract, and often embarrassing concept for people , and me, to understand. I really consider myself to have been single for the entire time we were doing whatever it is we are doing.

So combine the “ he’s just not that into you” philosophy with the “ Megan doesn’t know what the hell she is doing” and you get my current situation. You get me just trying to navigate this whole dating world while trying to figure out guys who aren’t worth figuring out.

I know I’m a catch. I know I’m pretty, and witty ( hehe I rhymed), intelligent, driven, and would make any guy lucky to have me. I am comfortable with myself. I like myself and I like to think most people like me. I don’t need someone to complete me. I need them to compliment me. I am okay with the fact that my cat is laying on me in my bed and that’s who gets to share my bed with me right now. These are all these I know to be true.

So when is someone of the male persuasion going to realize that too? Hm? Tell me.

“At this point in my life, I’m not looking for any happy endings. I’m just looking to get things started.”

But to start off, I just had a very bad date. ( Not that I have been on many dates, but everything is relative.)

I guess, I should start at the beginning. As most of you know, I prefer a guy on the nerdier side. I also have a life dream to save the world and/or work for the UN. So when a guy comes along on tinder that is a super nerd and has worked for the UN, I think.. hm… this could be a good opportunity. 

But not all that glitters is not gold, my friends.

Good conversation ensues. We have a lot of things in common. Our nerdiness seems to create good conversation. So when he asked me out, I thought, “ okay, this might be a good date.”

I was wrong. He appeared to be significantly older than his stated age. It was clear that the photos he had online where from many years prior.

I carried most of the conversation. It was quite forced and awkward. Which is normal when it comes to dating I would guess. You might have someone who is shy and the other person is a little more outgoing.  So that’s forgivable. But there was definitely no spark. And again, I may read too many books and watch too many movies but I feel like there needs to be a spark.

There was no spark.

For those who know me well, know that I DO NOT like being touched by people who I don’t want touching me. So we are eating dinner and he starts trying to play footsie with me. I am not a footsie gal. So I kept trying to move my foot away. But he ended up trapping it with one of his feet. He was literally stepping on my foot and holding it in place. I tried to move it and I couldn’t. I was trying to keep myself calm, so I just kept talking and ignoring that he was doing it. So after about 15 minutes  he moved his foot. I just ignored the whole situation and pretended it would go away.

The date went from just not a great date, to a bad date at that moment.

I know I should have been more assertive, but sometimes when I feel trapped I don’t know how to be as assertive as I should be. I care more about a random strangers feelings than my own personal comfort. I clearly need to work on that.

He asked me if I wanted to go to do something else. I suggested another bar, because I am really bad at getting out of situations I don’t want to be in. We went to Blue Tusk. He forgot his glasses and had to go back to the restaurant. I thought about leaving but couldn’t imagine what I would feel like if someone did that to me.  He was a nice guy but just not for me.

I went to the bathroom after awhile of more conversation, and these two girls came in shortly after me. They seemed to be talking about a bad date. So I asked them if they were on a bad date too. They said no, but asked me if I was on one. I said yeah, I was and wasn’t sure how to get out of it. They immediately offered to help me.  If I ever see these girls again, I will buy them a drink. They didn’t even skip a beat and were willing to help a stranger. We exchanged names and came up with a back story. I told them if I wasn’t out of the bar in 10 minutes that they could come over and join my conversation until there was a way for me to leave. I was able to leave and he walked me to my car  ( I wasn’t sure how to get out of that one either).  He gave me an awkward hug and we said goodbye.

I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. 

One of my best friends told me, when I called her in a slight panic (hey sarahhhh), that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. That if I don’t want to be in a situation, I have every right to get out of it.  I guess in the long run, I just need to grow a back bone. I need to stop caring about hurting complete strangers at the expense of my feelings and sense of comfort. I would appreciate any feed back regarding how I should be getting out of a situation like this in the future.

Meow.

Up until recently, through no fault of my own (duh), when I date, I date for the long haul. YEARS, of my life with the same person. I have never been a serial dater. In part, because I was never single long enough to even try but also, because I don’t know what I am doing.  Yes, there have been random flings in between, but nothing of significance or worth reporting on. The longest I have been without a boyfriend is a year. I haven’t had many boyfriends or “ guys who act like my boyfriend but  won’t say the word ‘boyfriend’ but basically are my boyfriend”, but I devoted my time, efforts, emotions, feelings, and heart to these guys.  I try not to regret single moment of it.  I even let them touch me (literally).. which most of you know.. is a BIG deal. 

—

AC

Ahh, first love. June 23, 2001 at 8:23 pm ( yes I know the time and date.. get over it.) I started dating my first boyfriend. We dated for four years. You know how they say that opposites attract? As anyone who saw us together can tell you, we were opposite in every way. He was religious. I wasn’t/am not. He liked to hunt and kill things. I didn’t. He enjoyed Tupac and believed he was going to rise again. I didn’t (weird, right?) .  But somehow we got along…very well.

 He was my first everything.  My first hand hold, first ''I love you'' , first meet the parents. I met him the summer between my sophomore and junior year in high school. I thought it was a sign because that’s when my parents met each other. They were high school sweet hearts. He was a year older than me. It was such a whirlwind of newness for me. This was before cellphones and texting. We would see each other at school, talk on the phone, and spend every second we were allowed, together. I don’t even know why, because all he did was play Grand Theft Auto. But I was happy. 

I was a naive girl who thought that all I had to do was follow this path laid out clearly in front of me and I would be married with kids by the time I was 25.  (That’s apparently what I wanted at the time..thank goodness that didn’t happen.) Especially because he told me that he wanted to marry me. I had stars in my eyes.

The first 2ish years were great. He went to college a year ahead of me and even though I vehemently denied it, I followed him to college. ( Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t make that decision.)  My friends were his friends.. his friends were my friends. Life was good. But life caught up to us, as life tends to do.  

 One night, I was at a party for New Years Eve.  I had drank a bit too much, and had fallen asleep on the party hosts bed. I woke up to the host (his now wife) running in the room naked with him close behind trying to cover her up with a blanket. That night he slept in bed with me and the girl.. with him in the middle. That was the beginning of the end. Rumors started to circulate that he was cheating on me. Even though he denied it, they never stopped. I would get phone calls from people all the time with things they saw, things they heard. But for some reason, I stuck by him. I believed him no matter what evidence there was to the contrary. Then I started to catch him. There was moment where one of the girls had to lock herself in her car at Walmart because I was in a blind rage… but I digress.  But I thought I could fix it. I thought I could make him want me. But in the end, that wasn’t the case. He ended it with me via a phone call, but I severed ties all together about a year later. Took about a year after the breakup to decide that I didn’t want him in my life anymore. 

I learned so much from that relationship. I learned what my breaking point needs to be. I learned what I should tolerate from the people I care about. I learned that everything is not always sunshine,roses and happiness. Most importantly, I learned that if someone wants to cheat on me, to let them go the second a whisper of it starts. Because no one that deserves me will cheat on me. I grew a hard shell around myself after that one. He was the first scar on my heart.  I have him to thank for a lot of who I am and he knows it.

—-

JL

This one is a bit questionable I will admit that now. Looking back at a lot of red flags that I ignored and pretended weren’t there.  I met him on Facebook, probably a month or two after I finally called it quits with AC.  He was from Lexington, KY. He was a year younger than me. He was  very handsome, and kind, and everything I wanted in a guy. We were in a pool game together. Remember when Facebook first started their games? It was then. We started talking on hotmail messenger after that an we never stopped. For eight years. He called me that night and almost every night after that. We talked until the sun came up. We texted. We messaged. We talked.. and talked..and talked.  Again. complete. polar. opposites. We were both stubborn and head strong and willful.  We were friends for the first two years and it developed into something more. It was on and off over those six years. It is important to note that I may have been catfished. I never saw him. I never met him in person. I only knew him from Facebook photos he would occasionally update. He claimed he didn’t have a cell phone with a camera.  I was supposed to meet him when I went to KY for a trip for work a few years ago, and he cancelled on me last minute. For someone who spent every waking second talking to me, and told me that he loved me, he didn’t have a lot of answers for a lot of things. He said he had cancer. Stomach cancer to be exact. He would call me in the middle of the night crying in pain. But he wouldn’t/couldn’t answer a lot of questions about it. Then he developed a problem with his brain. We started to drift apart because I just didn’t believe him. We fought about everything. I tried to pretend like the blaring warning signs weren’t there. Coincidentally, as soon as the texts on his phone turned from green to blue (not iPhone..to iPhone) he stopped answering my texts. He stopped calling me. He never answered the phone when I called him. He even blocked my number.  I try not to think that I wasted a lot of the good years of my life on a guy that didn’t actually exist. But the reality is… I probably did. 

This one didn’t break my heart as much because it was a slow fade. It was expected. It still stung because we always talked about being in each others lives no matter what. I learned from this one I need to trust my gut and when my gut tells me something is off, it’s right. I learned that I need to recognize when I am wasting my time.

—–

JH

This one… although the shortest of my relationships burst my heart into confetti when it ended.  I met him in April of this year. About a year-ish after JL and I stopped talking. It was the longest stint I had without being in a relationship. We met on Tinder. He was a truck driver from West Virginia. He was just doing the trucking for the summer to pay for grad school. His opening line to me was what got me. It was funny and creative. It was something along the lines of “ Helloooo you’ve just won the chance to talk to JH… press 1 for English (but he spelled English wrong) and press 2 for spanish.” Something like that. And knowing me, I jumped on the fact that he spelled English wrong.  We talked for a bit, exchanged numbers, said goodnight. Didn’t talk for a few days and then one friday night in late April, he texted me and then he called me. We didn’t stop talking for a month (sensing a pattern here?) He was tall (6′6′’) and handsome and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. He told me every day how special I was. We skyped ( so I knew he was real) and the way the looked at me was the way every girl should be looked at by a guy. As my friends said, I was like a puppy with a constantly wagging tail. I’d never fallen so hard so fast. I talked about him.. a lot. He asked me to be his girlfriend because “he had to have me.”…it was like a freaking fairytale come true. There were somethings I was ignoring, he was former army ( not that there’s anything wrong with that), very opinionated, very alpha male, lived in West Virginia and had a daughter. Despite all of those thing I had the “this is it” feeling. I thought that the universe was finally paying me back. Boy was I wrong.  He was supposed to come see me the weekend he broke up with me. His mother had fallen and broken her ankle and both her wrists ( Facebook photos verified this.. I stalked). He was quiet all weekend but I figured it was because he was dealing with his mother. He called me Sunday night and wasn’t himself from the second I answered the phone. He sounded monotone and disconnected. He said that he decided that he wanted to get back into the military.. it was his “calling” and because our relationship was so new and he saw it going places, that he was making the decision that he didn’t to bring me along the ride through his life in the military. He said “no good woman deserves to be put through that kind of stress”. I told him that it should be my decision to make regarding what I can and cannot handle. He said his decision was made..the end.  He told me that it wasn’t goodbye.. it was “talk to you later”.  I wrote him a letter on Facebook. A week later I was blocked and I never heard from him again. I have never gone from such a high, to such a low in my life. I fell into a deep depression. I was not fun to be around for a good month. I ended up going to therapy to try to get out of my funk. It was BAD.  To think that from the end of April to the end of May, that my life could have been rocked so hard makes me realize how much more growing I still need to do. 

I don’t talk about that one much to anyone because it broke my heart in every sense of the word. 

I think he is the reason I am so hesitant about online dating. Because it works.. it works very, very well. But then it also explodes in your face. I try not to be jaded. But how can I not be. I wonder how I can trust again? I wonder how I can let someone get that close again? I wonder how I can believe anything any guy says to me again? I have so many unanswered questions

It is important to note that I have some abandonment issues from past friendships that ended in similar ways ( the ‘just stop talking to me’ way.. super fun, let me tell you)  and this solidified those issues in stone. I know I am still recovering from it. Even though he sits in the back of mind now, instead of the forefront, I know that this is a wound I will be licking for a long time.

—

The most recent guy didn’t break my heart.  I have no stories to tell.  He is my friend.  That’s all.

—–

I guess that whole thing was just as much for me as it for anyone reading this. Like the title of the entry says  “ To know where you’re going, you must first look at where you’ve been.” I think I needed to reflect out in the open, in writing, for all to see, what I went through, and what  I learned, and what I’m afraid of. Instead of it working it out just in my head, it’s in front of me on “paper”. 

I think one of the lessons is: Don’t date anyone whose name starts with J.

Another lesson, it’s probably a bad idea for me to talk about a guy out loud to other people. That’s when it seems to all go down hill for me.

I am still questioning if I am ready to date. If I should keep trying. I’ve deleted tinder because it has too many bad memories associated with it. I wonder what I should try next.. if I should try. I struggle a lot with continuing to on through the trenches. I wonder how much I can take. But as I stated in my first blog, I am such a karma/universe/fate kind of girl that I would be remiss to think that I could ever truly give up on the idea of love.

 I guess when the right one comes along all my hesitations and fears will melt away. That hasn’t happened yet and I suppose there is a reason for that.

I guess we are all damaged from our previous relationships in some way.  I try to tell myself that it’s worth it. I try to tell myself that the universe owes me. 

Maybe it does.. maybe it doesn’t. I guess I will know when I become a cat lady.

But, in some way, as one of my favorite authors has famously said…

“We are all fools in love” - Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Sorry this one wasn’t as quippy as my others. 

More to come,

So in this case, I am obnoxiously single and have been for a bit ( with a short intermission in between). So I need to look at what am I doing wrong.. or I guess a better phrase would be “ could doing better.” 

So without further adieu, here is my profile.

My profile says mostly the same thing on any site I am on. There are two main subjects that usually stand out to guys and get them to message me. I bet you can guess one... I’ll wait...

The answer is, I get messages from asking me if I’m REALLY sure that I don’t want to see their penis. I also get a lot of messages about Sherlock. Which is great and I end up having very good conversation with those people because we have something in common already.

Here is one guy who used both Sherlock and his penis in one message that I thought was rather brilliant. And a guy who somehow got William Shakespeare, Sherlock Holmes and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ( the author of Sherlock) confused. 

Okay, so back to me. I am attempting to make my profile look like I am interesting and quirky and OBVIOUSLY adorable. But most of the time that appears to backfire because well...it’s Tinder. So I have to have low expectations in the first place. 

Tinder, for those who don’t know how it works: Tinder is only available as an app. It shows you a picture of someone. You can swipe left for no. Right for yes. If I swipe right and you swipe right, BOOM it’s a match and you get to talk to one another.  Most of the time it is based purely on how you look so what your profile actually says is secondary. So no one is looking at my profile to see how awesome I am right off the bat. 

So here is what I think I am doing wrong:

1) I am have a hard time initiating conversation. I think it’s the introvert in me that doesn’t like small talk.  I just don’t know what to say to people so I am probably passing up on people that might be good options because I figure if they want to talk to me, they will.

2) I have a hard time saying what I want. I could be thinking you are the greatest thing ever but I would never SAY it unless you said it to me first. I am always friend zoned because of that fact. I never act like I want anything in an effort to be cool and aloof. But then I act TOO cool and TOO aloof and then I am stuck forever in the zone. And as I have been told by many, and experienced in the past all too often,  it is a difficult zone to get out of once you are in it.

3) I don’t serial date. It is very rare that I will even meet one of these guys out on an actual date.  I don’t know what to do with myself and I get all weird and nervous so i figure I should avoid it at all costs. I’d rather chat up a guy for a few days and feel him out before going out to meet him.  I know that is a common female thing to do. Guys like to know right away if there is a spark/connection so my prolonged hemming and hawing usually makes any possible connections fizzle out quickly. Usually when I do take a chance though it ends up well. 

4) I am told I have high standards. I know what I want and I am just trying to find it. I’m Irish. I’m stubborn as hell. What can I say? So I am probably by-passing good guys who don’t have multiple checks on my check list of things I require in a potential man/person/boyfriend/thing. I used to have a shirt that said “ I <3 skinny boys with glasses”. I wore it to a Dane Cook comedy show. It was a hit. But that still kind of stands true. I always say my type is a “cute nerd”. 

I also love me a red head and I have a thing for guys with pointy canine teeth. Its not a vampire thing... I liked that trait before vampires became a thing. I know, I know. How hipster of me. So if I met a cute, nerdy, tall, read head with pointy canines...well.. we shall say that my head might explode. And that really wouldn’t be good for anyone involved.

I am looking for the following:

-someone who I can have an intellectual conversation with

- someone who is goal driven

-someone who wants to be successful in life

-someone who can make me laugh

- And most importantly, someone who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I REALLY DON’T THINK THAT’S ASKING TOO MUCH. ( It probably is.. but whatever)

5) I read...A LOT. So my idea of what a man can/should be is very skewed. I read a quote once that relates to this idea. Not sure who ACTUALLY said it. I tried to google it. It’s credited to James Dean most of the time.  

“Am I in love? Absolutely. I’m in love with ancient philosophers, foreign painters, classic authors, and musicians who have died long ago. I’m a passionate lover. I fawn over these people. I have given them my heart and my soul. The trouble is, I’m unable to love anyone tangible. I have sacrificed a physical bond, for a metaphysical bond. I am the ultimate idealistic lover.”

I feel like the online dating thing goes against my nature of being a hopeless romantic who wants to meet someone in a coffee shop or through some serendipitous circumstances. I think I am doing it kicking and screaming so I might be sabotaging myself because I want it to end up a different way. 

But here we are. I know these things about myself and probably should figure out how to change them. But in the mean time, if you know anybody. Help a girl out.

I recently read a book called Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. It’s brilliant. It echoes a lot of things I am feeling in a much funnier and wittier way.  I highly recommend it. There are graphs. 

Modern Romance on Amazon

Modern Romance on Audible.com

I recommend the audio. He reads it and judges you the whole time for being lazy and making him read you the book. Also, there are no graphs. #firstworldproblems

Well that was longer than expected.

I. am. single. ( and I eat carbs.. which is an entirely different story.. but I digress)

In approximately a little over a year, I will be 30 years old. Because of this fact, I will soon be old, unappealing and on my way to the spinster/cat lady life style. I am actively attempting to stop that from happening. That’s where online dating comes in. ( Yes, I am aware I am being dramatic).

Why online dating you ask? Why don’t you just go to a bar or meet someone through a friend?  Well since you asked, I will tell you.

A majority of my exceptional friends are married and/or have children so it is difficult to meet new people who aren’t also married and/or have children. This limits my opportunities to meet someone organically.

Also, I am NOT a bar person. Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me that doesn’t want to tell my future children (or just more cats/dogs..I don’t know yet) that I met my boyfriend/husband at a bar. The idea of meeting some handsome stranger who sees me from across the room and decides to strike up a conversation with me hasn’t been appealing to me since my early 20′s. Most likely because I have learned that the “handsome stranger” is probably drunk.. can’t have an intelligent conversation and/or is just looking to get some ass.

As many of you know, I am a destiny/fate/karma kind of gal. I like the idea that every action I take, every person I meet, every place I go, is all leading me towards where I am supposed to be.  There is a quote from the show House that encompasses this idea quite nicely, in my humble opinion.

“ I am going to base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with. This is what life is… it’s a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are.”

In my life analogy, the “rooms” I am referring to are Tinder and Plenty of Fish.  I am aware that Tinder is used for “hooking up” but I know there are people who use it for dating as well. They are few and far between.. but they exist.  These two sites alone have gems on them that make this blog worth having. 

I know a lot of people who have had success with online dating. I know many people who are married and happy with their lives. I figure if I have feelers out on these sites as well as actively trying to have a “meet cute” with someone out in the real world, I will be more likely to meet someone. 

I have met some really good people through the world of online dating. As many of you know, I can talk to almost anyone and I attract “interesting” people.  I may or may not have had a short lived relationship because of online dating… but that’s not what this blog is meant for ( or maybe it is.. or will be?) This blog is meant to take you on an adventure with me and maybe laugh along through it all.

More to come.