advice: eyes are not orbs [describing things in a useful way]
In RP and in the real world, we often see flowery word choices mistaken for good writing. While word choice is certainly an important part of good writing, don’t mistake it for the only important thing.
Eyes are eyes. They are not orbs, they are not optics, they are not pools, they are not anything but eyes. Calling them anything but “eyes” is distracting- it makes it sound like you’re talking about an alien or something that doesn’t have normal eyeballs. Fingers are just fingers- not digits or appendages or anything but fingers. A tongue is a tongue, not a pink muscle or whatever. Yes, eyes look out from behind spectacles, but we don’t need to be reminded of this fact every time we read a description of a person with glasses.
Description should always do one of two things:
1. Tell the reader something they don’t already know
The first one- when a character encounters something that the reader wouldn’t understand without a description- is not what we’re talking about here. We all know eyes are orb-shaped, fingers are appendages, and tongues are muscles. Nobody needs that spelled out in the narrative (unless, as I mentioned before, your character is an alien who doesn’t know what eyes and fingers and tongues are).
The second type is about more than telling us what your character sees or experiences, it’s about telling us how they see or experience those things. For example, I recently saw a para in which a character had th “appendages of his hand drumming against the table”. What does that tell us about this character or the scene? Very little.
He drummed his fingers against the table in a steady rhythm, enjoying the satisfying tapping sound that his nails made against the cheap metal.
The tips of his fingers clattered against the tabletop, providing some small release for the nervous energy crackling under his skin.
He absentmindedly drummed his fingers to the beat of the jazz music playing in the background.
Over and over again, he pointedly drummed each finger against the expensive tablecloth, growing more impatient by the second.
Each of these descriptions paints a clear picture of someone drumming their fingers against a table, but each description also gives us some insight into the character, his state of mind, and the setting. Not once did I have to use the word appendages to make a point! When your character drums their appendages or looks into emerald orbs or parts lips with their talented pink muscle, there’s almost always something much more interesting to focus on than how flowery you can make your word choices.
I remember the first time I tried to write a romantic scene. I had no idea what to write or how to write it and I was confused as could be, so I went looking through a bunch of books to see what I could find from already published authors. (I mention romance because these kinds of scenes in RP tend to have a lot of orbs and appendages and pink muscles in them).
He put one hand lightly on the back of her neck, and simultaneously she placed on hand lightly on his hip and they kissed in the street as all around them people hurried home in the summer light, and it was the sweetest kiss that either of them would eve know.
This is where it all begins. Everything starts here, today.
— One Day, David Nicholls
“Well, it’s an old—” Heidi started, feeling Victor’s lips on hers. Drunk on her own relevance, Heidi did her best to ignore his halitosis and the plastic sleeve that was now between them, poking her in the ribs. In retrospect, she would say she enjoyed the kiss. The following day, she discreetly asked Mrs. Volk to take Victor to the dentist, eliminating the last obstacle that stood in the way of true love.
— Petropolis, Anya Ulinich
Impulsively, I lean forward and kiss him, stopping his words. This is probably overdue anyway since he’s right, we are supposed to be madly in love. It’s the first time I’ve ever kissed a boy, which should make some sort of impression I guess, but all I can register is how unnaturally hot his lips are from the fever. I break away and pull the edge of the sleeping bag up around him.
— The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
I’ve put the actual actions of the above three passages in bold. Even though these are all big, important kisses in the books, there is very little time dedicated to the actual mechanics of kissing. We all know what body parts are involved, we all know what kissing is- the interesting part of things is what’s going on in the characters’ heads in these scenes. You could just read the bold parts on their own and know what happened, but it’s the rest of the stuff that makes the scenes good.
I laughed, looked nervous, and she leaned in and tilted her head to the side, and we were kissing. Zero layers between us. Our tongues dancing back and forth in each other’s mouth until there was no her mouth and my mouth but only our mouths intertwined. She tasted like cigarettes and Mountain Dew and wine and Chap Stick. Her hand came to my face and I felt her soft fingers tracing the line of my jaw. We lay down as we kissed, she on top of me, and I began to move beneath her. I pulled away for a moment, to say, “What is going on here?” and she put one finger to her lips and we kissed again. A hand grabbed one of mine and she placed it on her stomach. I moved slowly on top of her and felt her arching her back fluidly beneath me.
I pulled away again. “What about Lara? Jake?” Again, she sshed me. “Less tongue, more lips,” she said, and I tried my best. I thought the tongue was the whole point, but she was the expert.
”Christ,” the Colonel said quite loudly. “That wretched beast, drama, draws nigh.”
But we paid no attention. She moved my hand from her waist to her breast, and I felt cautiously, my fingers moving slowly under her shirt but over her bra, tracing the outline of her breasts and then cupping one in my hand, squeezing softly. “You’re good at that,” she whispered. Her lips never left mine as she spoke. We moved together, my body between her legs.
”This is so fun,” she whispered, “but I’m so sleepy. To be continued?” She kissed me for another moment, my mouth straining to stay near hers, and then she moved from beneath me, placed her head on my chest, and fell asleep instantly.
— Looking for Alaska, John Green
This scene has a lot of descriptions of common things- but note that for all of the mentions of mouths, there’s not one “cavern”. There are fingers but no appendages, tongues but no muscles, etc. However, over the course of this passage we learn a lot about the characters:
Pudge (the narrator) is inexperienced
Alaska is very experienced
Alaska is bossy or at least a know-it-all to some degree
Pudge thinks about consequences
Alaska ignores consequences
Pudge probably likes Alaska more than she likes him
The Colonel is pretentious
THAT is the point of description. Description rarely moves the plot forward- only action can do that- and if you’re not moving the plot, you need to be developing the characters. Eyes, fingers, and tongues can do that just as well- if not better than- orbs, appendages, and pink muscles. Don’t let flowery writing get in the way of good writing.
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