-K

There's a story you've never told anyone.

You don’t believe in any god, but if you did, he’d have blond hair And cold eyes and the ability to change the whole entire world, Well, at least your whole entire world. He’d turn everything upside down. You would let him. You’d welcome it. You know that you are not healthy. You know  he isn’t either. You two can’t heal each other, but maybe the wound stops festering. You are your best self when you are with him, though others disagree, But they’ve never known your worst self. You have spent your life sleeping with one eye open, never resting. Now you know that home is where you sleep with both eyes fully closed, and His hand resting on the knife that he keeps stashed under your pillow. You’ve never felt safer than that.

I painted my nails purple just for you, For the drawer in your room of nail polish Only in purple, always in purple. Today, I wore black in honor of you, And I wrapped myself in fuzzy blankets, Only in purple, always in purple. I drew on my arms where I leave my marks. I wanted to scratch, instead I colored, Only in purple, always in purple. I slept against a car window today, And I dreamt of paint splatter and of you, Only in purple, always in purple.

    The first time I ever swore out loud, Sitting on the back porch at Christmas, Fifteen, my side pressed up against yours. It slipped out without any purpose, And you laughed, "say that again." you said. I said it again, and then again.     Seven years old, sitting on your bed, You'd just turned ten but still played with me. Your sister was practicing music. You sat with me and told me stories. I always felt important with you. You always had time to talk to me.     Nineteen years old, it's Christmas again. We talk for hours, the way we do, And I nod off against your shoulder. When I wake up we just keep talking. That's just how it is with you and me. We always have something to say.     Twelve, and you see the way I don't eat, Picking at all my favorite dishes. You don't say anything, but you watch. Later, you bring me a cup of soup. "At least this." You say it hopefully. I eat. The next day, I eat again.     Seventeen, and I pretend that I Can't see all of your fucking pale scars, Like you pretend you can't see scratch marks That my own nails have clawed up my arms. We don't talk about anything that Matters, but we're gentle and soft.     Thirteen, and I am laughing at your Insistence that candy is all you Need to get by happily in life. You are such a fucking teenager. And I love you so, so, goddam much. I'll always wonder if you knew that.     When I'm fifty years old, and you're still Twenty-two with your sunshine smile, and That fucking purple hoodie you wear. I'll still curse just to remember you. I don't remember a before you, So tell me why the fuck there's after.     I started this shitty poem in Past tense, but the more I wrote the more That upset me. You're not in the past. I could never just leave you back there In that fucking darkness I've not left, Not really. It's always at my throat.     Why are you not right here with me? How many sleepless nights or dreams of Your smile then that god fucking damned gun The one that took you away from me? How long do I have to be alone? When will it finally be enough?     When will we finally meet again.     I'll be waiting; will you be waiting?

When you first see him, you think of him as Erised, Like in your favorite part of the Harry Potter books. There he stands in front of you, all you ever wanted, But you know better than to think you get to have him. There he stands, eternally right outside of your reach. At sixteen, in a shit motel, you punch a mirror. The mirror cracks, your hand starts bleeding, and you wonder Is the mirror broken? Or are you the broken one? The answer is yes. Common ground but you still don't talk. You've learned your lesson. Mirrors never respond to you. The next morning you pretend you don't know what happened. Nobody asks you. Nobody has ever asked you. You tell yourself you like that, but you suck at lying. You keep picking fights with mirrors. People stop laughing. You think maybe you like disgust more than amusement.

If I traded mistakes for sheep, I'd count for an eternity. Either way I would never sleep. How could I count infinity? Most people fall and get back up. Some people don't even go down. But I've had more than a share of Falling, never been off the ground. Well, it's a slow crawl through life, when You're lost watching those around you. I'm back to comparing again. Lives I'll never match up to. I just keep looking at the sky. I'm just a toad, stuck on the ground. I'll keep on jumping til I die, But I'll always come right back down. I never taught myself to fly.

You know You know Exactly what you're doing. I don't I don't Usually act like this. We are We are Going ninety right now. Speeding Speeding Down empty highways And I And I Might be in love with you. Because I've never been scared like this, But I've also never felt this safe. Maybe there are stars falling tonight, But I think it's the look in your eyes. I know I know The way you feel for me. You don't You don't Even try to hide it. And I And I Find it so beautiful. I'm not I'm not Any kind of open. You are You are Everything that I need. I wonder if I ever scare you? The way that all this terrifies me. Fate has nothing on the two of us Give me your hand, take mine in return. And the And the Whole world keeps on turning Or the Or the Whole world keeps on burning. Nothing Nothing Could ever quite compare To you To you And me on quiet streets Loving Loving Like we're a late night drive.