My Life is Grace

I keep hearing that 30s are going to be one of the best decades...  though - they said that about college - and while I love New Paltz, and the friends I made there, I don’t know if it was “the best”. (Maybe another reason I’m hoping the 30s will actually be the best.) The 20′s were plagued with trying to figure my life out in roughly 3 years at the beginning of this decade It’s weird to think that I’ve been out of college for 8 years already, and working full time for about 7. 

I love my job - but I also had to fight for that too. I had to fight to prove that me, the now beloved parish millennial, was worth enough to hire. After a year of job searching that was pretty grating.

In my 20′s, I wanted desperately to help my friends, my family, and my church, and, I think I fell a little too hard into all of those. I didn’t really have the right tools to set good boundaries with any area of my life. I went to therapy for a summer about 6 years ago, but the therapist almost only gave me the advice to move out, and, so I did, and that solved a few problems, but not all. Knowing therapy is expensive for someone who just moved into an apartment (even if Britt and I were splitting rent), and that therapist was going off platform, I decided to cancel my subscription from therapy and wouldn’t go back until 29. 

29 seemed to hit me harder. Maybe it was realizing how much things had changed this decade, or, knowing that a new decade was around the corner. I’m not sure. But I remember feeling so down. I wanted to toss the blame around of why, which, were valid reasons, but I figured, it might be time to finally start taking care of and working on me, mentally, so I re-enrolled in therapy. It took me the whole summer to build up the motivation but I finally did.  And slowly but surely, I feel a difference in me. I’m showing up for myself. 

Over the past few years, I’ve posted less and less for the most part, and I apologize if that’s made me miss a lot of your big moments. As someone who used to love getting involved in new social medias, it’s no longer as easy for me to love them as I once did. I don’t necessarily feel like going into all of those reasons right now. I feel like it’s helped a bit with mental health stuff, but I also feel like it might’ve created some distance.

But, in the same vein, 30 is more about showing up for myself, as much as my 20s was about showing up for others. I know I still like to help people - so I’m not going to stop that in any capacity, but, maybe this is the decade that I start to fill my cup, before doing for everyone else. I need to do that - especially if I want to be a mother some day. I want my kids to know that I did everything in my power to show up for myself, so I could give them everything they needed. I know I’m bound to screw them up somehow, but, at least, I tried my very best not to. (The irony is that still sounds like I’m doing for others, doesn’t it?) 

And, maybe this is the decade I start to feel comfortable in my own skin. It’s hard to, but slowly but surely, I’m trying. Affirmations and kindness have been in my head more when looking at a mirror. Eating what I want to and not thinking too much about the calories have been practices of mine that weren’t always there in my early 20s. But still trying to find the balance of eating healthyish meals. Still making sure to do my yoga and pilates and walks. But, trying to get comfortable that I will never be close to a size 0 again - and knowing that’s more than okay. And trying to love all of my imperfections, including my lazy eye(s), which I always try to hide if I can, but slowly, allowing it to slip out in pictures. And trying to take care of myself. By sticking with therapy even though it’s now completely out of pocket, going to doctor’s appointments... And this convinced me to make one that I’ve been putting off for awhile. 

So, here’s to 30, may it be the year showing up for myself. There may be a similar post coming on other actual social media platforms on the actual day.. But this was just to get my thoughts out first.