:(:

I don’t have anywhere else to put this and I’m pretty sure no one cares about this account so I think I’m good here.

I’ve been so depressed lately. I’ve moved from vaping to smoking cigarettes. I’ve started drinking. And I’m smoking weed again and I still want more. I can’t smoke rn bc Im at my dads and can’t leave, and all I want is to feel good. To feel like I’m not on the verge of killing myself.

I lost my virginity last week, and I feel disgusting about it. I feel like shit. I feel like the only reason he wanted me to come over was for that. Even though we are together, our conversations have gotten shorter. But I think it’s my fault. I’ve gotten distant.

I cut and burned myself the other day. After almost 3 years of being clean. It would’ve been 3 in September. I just don’t know what to do anymore besides smoke, drink, and hurt myself.

Each time I drive I contemplate swerving off the road at 70 mph. I don’t want to romantacize or idolize the thoughts, they aren’t pretty.

But I didn’t want to post it anywhere else, bc I don’t want my friends worrying about me. I feel empty inside, but I still don’t want them hurting.