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Jace hadn’t seen Alec this   drained   and   exhausted-looking   since Magnus had vanished into Edom five years ago .          Alec had gone to get him back :    he would have gone anywhere for Magnus .

…

“    Should I take a turn at watch    ?    ”         Alec asked .          “    I don’t want to let anyone down .    ”

The lump in Jace’s throat   ached .          He sat down next to his   parabatai ,    who he had sworn to follow ,    to live beside ,    to die with .          Surely that also encompassed the sharing of burdens and grief .

“    This is your watch ,    brother ,    ”          he said .

        She didn’t press him further .      Isabelle   never   had pushed ,    not about any of Alec’s secrets .      That was one of the many reasons Alec trusted his sister .

        “And I won’t pry .      I just want you to know that any secrets you have ,    I keep.      You can trust me .”      Alec remembered the old days and the old fears ,    the way Isabelle had occasionally tried to start conversations about boys and let Alec shut them down .      He had always snapped at her ,    terrified to speak and have someone hear ,    but sometimes at night when he thought about the possibility of being   disowned   by his parents ,    rejected   by the Clave ,    hated   by Jace and Max ,   his only comfort was that his sister knew ,    and she still loved him .      Alec closed his eyes and told her ,    “I always have .”

jace. the voice was familiar to him as his own and then there was a hand gripping his, fingers interlacing with his own. with a reflex born out of years of love and familiarity, he gripped back. “alec?”

“you don’t need to swear”, he said, and with his free hand touched the parabatai rune near his collarbone. “i know. i can feel it. i don’t feel like i’m missing a part of me anymore”.        “i felt it too.” jace took a ragged breath. “something missing. i felt it […] i was missing. but it was you. my parabatai.”

nothing even surprises or shocks me anymore.   I am becoming very hard on the outside and even softer on the inside.  I have to get through this. All of this, and my own life too.