perhaps.

PART 5

You woke up on a plastic bed in a room that smelled like the awful cream your Mummy would rub on her legs after Netball, surrounded by a million different kinds and colours of sellotape.

You could hear voices, and you looked over to the corner of the room to find your Aunty Leah consoling your Aunty Lessi as she cried.  She looked distraught, her eyes red and puffy with tears.

“I should have known it would overwhelm her.  I was just so excited to share this with her…”

“Babe, she’s going to be okay.  We’re still learning all this, yeah?”

“But we’re meant to protect her, and… and I- I…” Aunty Lessi choked on her words before Aunty Leah cut her off.

“And I should have had a tighter grip on her when I saw she was panicking.  Like I said, we’re both still learning how to do this.  The medics said she’s got a bit of a concussion, but she’ll be alright.  We know how concussions work, so we’ve just got to keep our eyes on her and make sure she gets lots and lots of rest.”

There was a quiet knock at the door, before an important looking lady with a clipboard came in.

“Less, sorry but we need to know if you’re going to play the second half or not?” she asked.

As your Aunties turned toward the door, they realised that you were awake.

“Oh Bunny, sweetie, you’re awake.  How are you feeling?” your Aunty Lessi rushed over to you, her hands coming down to gently cradle the sides of your head.

You looked up at her a bit stunned, rather confused about why you were where you were and why everyone seemed so upset.

“Does your head hurt?  Do you feel sick or dizzy at all?” she asked, her hand softly brushing through your hair.

You tried to think about if you felt sick or dizzy, but all you could really feel was a powerful throbbing rattling through your head.  You also felt really, really tired.  But you had just woken up, so that could perhaps explain that.  You don’t remember going to sleep though, which was starting to concern you.

“I feel okay,” you replied, trying to brush away your Aunty’s concern.

“Alessia, sorry, we need t-” the lady at the door began to ask again.

“I won’t be playing, sorry.  My family is more important right now,” Aunty Lessi told her.

“Less, you should go play.  I’ll stay with Bunny and make sure she’s-”

Your Aunty Lessi whipped around to face Aunty Leah. “No, Leah.  I’m not leaving her.  She’s hurt.   We’ll get a car to take us back to the training centre so we can go home early,” she insisted firmly.

Aunty Leah replied with a sad smile and a nod.  “I’ll go get our stuff packed up then, yeah?”

“I’m okay Aunty Lessi, you should play!” you tried to insist.

“No Bunny, there would be no point in me playing anyways.  I would be so distracted out there and worrying about you I would probably kick the ball into the wrong goal by mistake.”

By the time you finally got back home that night, your head was still pounding and you were struggling to stay awake.  You were trying your hardest to be big and brave and pretend like you were okay, but as soon as you stepped into bath, your whole façade fell apart.  As the warm water lapped at your tense muscles, which you now realised you’d been clenching in an effort to distract from the pain in your head, your resolve melted and you began to weep.

You brought your knees up to your chest and dropped your head forward, your hands entwining at the back of your head as your little body shook with each sob.  The tears and jagged breaths only intensified the pain in your head though, which in turn caused more tears and jagged breaths.  You tried your hardest to stay as quiet as possible, but you were aware that your cries were becoming increasingly vocal.

There was soon a soft knock at the door, followed by your Aunty Lessi’s voice.  Whilst making sure you still got clean and dressed, your Aunties had always tried to give you your privacy while bathing and dressing, which you appreciated.  They were your Aunties, but it still felt weird being undressed around people who weren’t your parents.

“Bunny?  Are you okay?” she called through the closed door.

“It hurts” you cried in response.

“What hurts honey?”

“Everything.  My head hurts most.”

“How about we give you some medicine to make it hurt less, yeah?”

“Okay.”

“And then we can get you to bed, and you can try and get some rest, alright?”

“Okay.”

There was a short pause.  You’d assumed your Aunty had gone away to get the medicine, but then you heard her voice again.

“Bun, you don’t always have to try and be big and brave y’know?  If you’re hurting, you can tell us.  Always.  I promise you won’t be in trouble or we won’t make fun of you or anything.  We just want you to feel okay.”

“Okay.”

You didn’t fully believe her.  You wanted to, but a part of you still believed that there was only so much love and affection to go around and you needed to space that out at least until Lemonade arrived.  You didn’t want to use it all up on this incident.

So you tried your hardest to push the pain down and away as you quickly washed yourself.  You managed to get yourself up and out of the bath and wrapped in a towel before there was a knock at the door again.

“You can come in,” you mumbled, making sure the towel was secured tightly under your arms.

Your Aunty Lessi entered with a little cup filled with pink medicine and a cup of water.  She kneeled down to your height as she offered it to you.

“Now it says strawberry flavoured on the bottle, so hopefully it won’t taste too bad.”

You gingerly took the cup and gulped the medicine down, wincing at the distinctly fake strawberry taste.  You quickly grabbed the cup of water from your Aunty’s other hand and skulled that down to wash away the lingering flavour.

“Good job, Bun.  Now let’s get you into your PJ’s and into bed, yeah?”

By the time you were under the covers, arms tightly wrapped around your beloved Arthur, the pain in your head had dulled to only a mild ache.

“Goodnight sweet girl” your Aunty Lessi whispered, kissing the top of your head.

“Night Aunty Lessi” you mumbled back.

It was the first time you slept through the night without waking up to a nightmare since the fire.

--

You woke up to the smell of Aunty Lessi’s lasagne wafting through the house.  However, as you opened your eyes and came to your senses, you immediately panicked. 

You were not in your own bed. 

You were in your Aunties bed.

You had no idea how you’d come to be in their bed.  The last thing you remembered you were lying on the floor in the loungeroom studying one of the books the Arsenal girls had given you about football.  You were trying to understand where all the different positions were on the pitch and what responsibilities each position had.  You had been figuring out the difference between a centre-back and a full-back when you had… fallen asleep.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Whilst it had been a few days now since your accident and you’d had a couple of days off school and your head no longer hurt, you were still feeling extra extra tired from your concussion.  You’d spent most of that day at school trying to hide your yawns from your teacher and classmates.  When you’d been given some free time after finishing one of your activities ahead of the rest of the class, the same group of students that always seemed to catch you at your weakest had caught you dozing off in the corner of the room where you’d been reading.  They’d tied your shoelaces together and were starting to draw on your arm when you woke up.  You hadn’t realised they’d also put rolled up pieces of paper in your hair braid until your Aunty Leah pointed them out when she picked you up.

You’d tried to brush it off and said it was just a game all the kids were playing with each other, but the concerned frown your Aunty gave you implied she didn’t quite believe your lie.

“You know you can tell us if there’s anything going wrong at school, yeah?  If anyone’s picking on you or calling you names or anything?”

You just nodded.  There was no way you would ever tell your Aunties what was really happening at school.  You would just deal with it like a big girl.  Push through.  Be brave.  They had bigger things to worry about than some kids putting paper in your hair and saying mean things.  Your Aunty Leah was growing a human AND mending her busted knee for heaven’s sake!  You could deal with some silly paper in your hair.

When you’d got back to the house, you went straight to your room to undo your braid and pluck all the little pieces of paper from your hair.  You’d counted them (23 in total) before scrunching them up and throwing them in the little wastepaper basket beside your desk. 

As the paper hit the basket, a tiny ball of raging heat began bubbling in your chest.  You didn’t know what to do with it or how to describe it, but it made you want to stomp your feet and hit a wall and scratch at your skin.  You’d never been the best at describing emotions, but you were pretty certain this wasn’t sadness.  Perhaps, this was anger? Frustration? Disappointment? 

The tiny ball continued to bubble and grow as you lunged for your bed where Arthur lay.  You attempted desperately to use your tried and tested method of rubbing his ear against your cheek to calm the feeling, and whilst it felt nice, it did nothing to soothe your need to stomp or hit or scratch.

You searched your room urgently for something else to ease the searing heat in your chest, even gulping down the remnants of a cup of water on your bedside table.  But nothing worked.  You needed to stomp or hit or scratch.  You knew couldn’t stomp your feet or hit a wall, because that would be loud, and your Aunty would hear and come ask what was wrong.  So, you decided to scratch. 

You had to pick somewhere not too visible so that if you left a mark, nobody would see and ask what happened.  So, you tugged up the hem of your school dress and pushed down your tights and began scratching at the skin at the top of your right thigh.

The relief was instant. 

The second your nails dug into your flesh, the little ball of heat in your chest began to cool.  You scratched and scratched, and scratched some more until it finally, finally disappeared.  By the time you eventually stopped, your skin was stinging, and your fingers were cramping.  But the little ball of heat was gone, and that was all that mattered.

There was a gentle knock on the door as you speedily pulled your tights back up, wincing as they brushed against your newly tender skin.

Your Aunty Leah popped her head in through the door, “Bun, do you want a snack? I got some blueberry muffins from the bakery…”

“Oh… um, yeah, I’ll be right down, just getting that paper out of my hair,” you mumbled, quickly running your fingers through the ends of your messy blonde mane.

“Alright, I’ll pop them in the microwave to warm them up,” she replied before heading back downstairs to do so.

As you heard her footsteps fade away, you turned around and pulled your tights down again, trying with all your might not to release a pained noise as the fabric ripped away from your newly raw skin.  The area you’d scratched was an angry red colour and the skin seemed wet, but there was no blood, which whilst a relief, made no sense to you.

Not wanting to keep your Aunty waiting, you hastily pulled your tights the rest of the way off and threw them in your laundry hamper.  The house was warm enough, but you decided to grab your soft little blanket that had purple and grey clouds, as well as the book on football you had been reading and the little notebook you’d been making notes in (and Arthur of course), and head downstairs.

“Perfect timing Bun, just took them out of the microwave.  Do you want a drink?”

“I’m okay.  Thank you, Aunty Leah, this looks lovely” you replied, climbing up onto a stool in front of the kitchen bench where a little plate with a yummy looking blueberry muffin sat.

“Well, we all know the kitchen is Aunty Lessi’s domain.  That woman can cook like a dream!  But I’m not too shabby at picking out a good pastry.  I guess you could say bread and bread-adjacent foods are my domain,” she teased.

You giggled as you tucked into your muffin, appreciating your Aunty Leah’s silly jokes about how bad at cooking she was and how limited the range of foods she ate was.  Your extended family often seemed to tease her a bit about being a picky eater and she would usually laugh it off or join in on the joke.  But you knew it was something she was actually a bit self-conscious about. 

A few days into your stay here you’d gone to the fridge to grab some milk for your cereal and had accidentally knocked a container off a shelf.  As you bent down to pick it up, you noticed a little letter stuck to the lid that read “Leah, my love, it’s okay if you can’t eat this.  I know you tried and I’m proud of you.  Please just make sure you eat something or at least have a protein smoothie.  For you and for ‘L’.  Love you – xx Less.”  You’d immediately felt guilty for reading it as you rushed to put it back on the shelf, knowing you’d intruded on a bit of your Auntie’s privacy.  You’d seen a few similar little notes stuck to containers since then.  At the time you’d been very confused about what “for you and for ‘L’” meant, but you had since figured out it meant ‘for you and for Lemonade’. 

When you finished your muffin, you wriggled off the stool and headed over to place your plate in the dishwasher.

“Are you done with your plate too, Aunty Leah?” you offered.

“Oh, thanks sweetie, you didn’t have to do that,” she replied as she passed you her plate with a smile.  “Feel free to watch something on the telly if you want.  I’ve got a bit of boring adult housework stuff to catch up on before Aunty Lessi gets home.”

“Is there anything you need help with?” you asked.

“No, no.  I’ve just got to do a couple of loads of laundry and there’s no way I would make you deal with Aunty Lessi’s gross smelly training socks!  It’s bad enough poor little Lemonade is stuck with me and can’t escape from it,” she laughed, jokingly shielding her belly from the smell.

“Is it okay if I just read in the loungeroom?” you asked.

“Of course it is!  Just remember if your head starts to hurt or you’re feeling too tired or anything, to have a rest, yeah?” she smiled at you, stroking her fingers affectionately through your hair.

“I will, thank you.”

So, you made yourself comfortable in a little spot on the loungeroom floor, surrounded by a couple of cushions, the blanket you’d brought down from your room and, of course, Arthur.  Soon you were laying on your belly, nose deep in the book and jotting down notes in your notebook all about what a penalty shootout was and what circumstances led to one.  You drew a little picture of the goal and the line markings and where the goalie had to stand and where the other players had to stand, before turning back to the book to read about in-game penalties when slowly but suddenly you… were… asleep.

The next thing you knew you were waking up in your Auntie’s bed to the smell of your Aunty Lessi’s lasagna.

The realisation hit you like a hundred bolts of lightning.

You’d slept in someone else bed.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Bad things happen when you sleep in someone else’s bed.

The last time you’d slept in someone else’s bed, your house burned down, and your Mummy and Daddy had died.

You jumped out of the bed as though it was burning you, panic rattling all through your little body.

“Bad. Bad. Bad.”

Your right hand began hitting at the side of your head before you even knew it was happening.

“Bad. Bad. Bad.”

Your other hand clawed at the skin of your neck, scratching determinedly at the tender skin there.

“Bad! Bad! Bad!”

You tried so hard to stop them, but your feet began to stomp loudly, your whole body seemingly moving with a mind of its own.  Everything around you seemed like it was spinning.  You thought you could smell smoke and when your eyes began to water you weren’t sure if it was because you were crying or if it was because there was actually smoke. 

You vaguely heard a commotion and saw the door swing open, but everything around you continued to spin making you feel like throwing up.  You couldn’t throw up in your Auntie’s bedroom!

“Bad! Bad! Bad!”

“Bunny?  Sweetie, what’s going on?”

You could hear your Aunty Lessi’s voice and feel her presence, but the only word you could think was ‘BAD’.

“Bad! Bad! Bad!”

The word kept falling from your lips and you continued to stomp and hit and scratch.

“Okay, Bun.  I’m going pick you up so you stop hurting yourself sweetie.  I need to make you nice and safe, alright?”

Again, you heard your Aunty but all you could think was ‘BAD’.

“Bad! Bad! Bad!”

Carefully you felt your Aunty wrap her arms around you, trapping your arms and lifting you off the ground.  You struggled as your body fought to keep hitting and scratching and stomping, but she gently tugged your hands away from your neck and head, tucking them tightly against her chest.

“You’re okay, lovely.  You’re safe, I promise.  It’s just you, me and Aunty Leah here okay.  Nothing bad is going to happen alright?  We’re safe.  You’re safe.  Everything’s okay…”

“Bad. Bad. Bad.”

“What do you mean by bad, Bun?” Aunty Lessi asked.

You shook your head, unable to explain yourself.  All you could say was “bad.”

“Oh sweetie, you haven’t done anything bad.  You’re not in any kind of trouble.  I promise.  And nothing bad is going to happen either, okay?” she whispered.

You began to slowly unclench in her arms, comforted by the soothing way she was swaying gently.  Eventually you opened your eyes to see your Aunty Leah standing in the doorway watching on, her face red and blotchy as though she’d been crying.

You immediately came back into your body, realising whatever you’d just done had upset your Aunty Leah.  You tried to wriggle slightly to free yourself from your Aunty Lessi’s grip, but she tightened her hold.

“Not yet sweetie.  I need to what’s going on?  What happened?” she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed with you in her lap.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.  I didn’t mean to be bad and upset Aunty Leah.  I’m so sorry.  I promise I’ll be good.  I promise.”

“Darling, you didn’t upset me” your Aunty Leah assured you as she came over to sit next to Aunty Lessi on the bed.

“But your face is blotchy like you’ve been crying” you replied, your Aunty Lessi finally loosening her grip on her as your reached toward Aunty Leah.

“Well, it’s because I have been, but it’s not because you upset me.  I’m just worried about you is all.  Why were you hurting yourself?” she asked, taking your hand in hers.

“I just had to.  I don’t know.  I just did.  I was bad.”  You jumped off Aunty Lessi’s lap and started pacing on the floor in front of her and Aunty Leah.   “I woke up in this bed and I had no idea why I was in your bed and all I could think was ‘bad’ and I just did it without realising.”

“I washed your sheets and they’re in the dryer.  So, when you fell asleep on the loungeroom floor, I just put you in here for your nap.  I didn’t mean for it to upset you so much, sweetie,” Aunty Leah explained, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

“You didn’t upset me, I just I don’t want you and Aunty Lessi and Lemonade to die too!”

You heard your Aunties gasp at your explanation, but you just kept pacing, trying to figure out a way to stop the inevitable from happening.

“Bunny, oh my goodness, why would Aunty Leah and Lemonade and I die because you had a nap in our bed?”

“Because that’s what happened when I slept in Mummy and Daddy’s bed!”

You watched as your Aunties exchanged a series of looks.  The seemed confused and shocked, which was confusing and shocking to you, because it all seemed so obvious.

“Darling, your Mummy and Daddy didn’t die because you slept in their bed,” Aunty Leah tried to tell you.

PART 4

It’s quiet in the car on the way to the training centre, the low hum of the radio the only noise.  Your brain however hasn’t stopped running wild with thoughts ever since school the other day.  You’d tried to find the answers to your questions in books, but Mr Webster the librarian had told you they were too grown up for you to be reading without an adult. 

Rubbing the soft fur of Arthur's ear against your cheek, you slowly mustered up the courage to ask your Aunties the questions you’d been dying to know the answers to.

“Aunty Lessi, Aunty Leah… C-can I ask a… a question?  About the b-baby?”

You could see Aunty Leah smile through the reflection in the rearview mirror as your Aunty Lessi turned around in the passenger seat to look at you.

“Of course you can, Bun.  You can always ask us anything.”

You let out a sigh of relief, before taking in a deep breath and beginning your line of questioning.

“Okay, so all the books I’ve ever read and the movies I’ve seen, there’s a Mummy and a Daddy, and well, my Mummy said that babies happen when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much.  But I also heard at school that there’s something to do with birds and bees, but I don’t really know how that works.  So, because there’s no Daddy here, did you have to get something from birds and bees, like feathers and honey or something to make a magic potion to make the baby? Oh and, and, and also, where does booby milk come from?  Like I know the baby is in your tummy Aunty Leah, so you will have booby milk, but will you also have booby milk, Aunty Lessi?  And is it just like the same milk you buy at the shops?  Like what we use on our cereal or is it different? And is that different to the milk bunnies make? And how do bunnies make babies? And h-”

“Alright, alright let’s answer one question at a time, yeah?” Aunty Lessi cut your questions off with a chuckle.

You took another deep breath and nodded, rubbing Arthur’s ear across your cheek, relieved to have finally gotten those questions out.

“Okay, so, you’re right.  Generally, but not always, babies happen when two people love each other very much.  It doesn’t have to be a Mummy and a Daddy, though, it’s just that that is what tends to happen a bit more often.  But these days there’s more and more families that have two Mummies or two Daddies or a completely different type of family structure all together.  The science of it all is a bit more complex, but I promise you…” Aunty Leah caught your eye in the rear-view mirror with a mischievous glint “…there are no magic bird feathers or honey potions involved.”  You giggled at her as she winked at you in the mirror.

“Yeah Bun, every family’s story is a bit different, but for us, your Aunty Leah and I went to the doctors and asked them for help in making us a baby.  Some families can make their babies at home, like your Mummy and Daddy made you at home, but lots of families need some help from their doctors” Aunty Lessi explained.

“So, you went to the doctors, and they put a tiny little baby in Aunty Leah?”

“Basically, yeah” she confirmed.

“But why Aunty Leah, why not you?” you wondered.

“You know how Aunty Leah hurt her leg?” Aunty Lessi asked.

You nodded.  Your Daddy had told you all about how it was really sad because she was meant to go play in the World Cup thing in Brazil with Aunty Lessi, and she was captain of the England team, but she couldn’t play because of her injury.  And he had said that she had hurt her other leg the exact same way just before the last big World Cup thing and wasn’t able to play in that either.  You were only 4 back then, but you kind of remember watching your Aunty Lessi play in those games on the TV.  And you remember her bringing home a shiny silver medal but being pretty sad about it. Your Aunty Leah wasn’t your Aunty yet back then though, so you didn’t know about her leg the first time around.

“Well, I decided that if I wasn’t going to be able to go play at the World Cup again, then I wanted to do something really, really meaningful with my time away from football.  I’ve always wanted to start a family, but it’s super difficult with football to fit it all in with our schedules.  But I knew that I would be away from the pitch for at least another 9 months, so, I asked Aunty Lessi if we could have a baby.  Try and make the best out of a bad situation” Aunty Leah explained, a sad looking smile on her face.

“Oh, that makes sense, I guess.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, right?” you replied, repeating the phrase your Daddy had taught you.

There was a short silence before your Aunties burst into an absolute fit of laughter, tears falling from their eyes as they tried time and time again to unsuccessfully stop their hysterics.

You didn’t know what was so funny about what you said.  Did you use the phrase wrong?  It was one your Daddy used all the time.  You’d thought it was a little bit silly at first too, but it definitely wasn’t laugh so hard you cry kind of funny.  But what if you’d used it totally wrong and they were laughing at you like the kids in school laughed at you when they thought you were uncool?

Loser. Loser. Loser

“S-sorry Bun, we’re not l-laughing at you, we promise,” your Aunty Leah muffled through her laughter.

“It’s… it’s just that, when Aunty Leah first talked to me about having a baby, she used that exact phrase, and I made her swear on her life that she would never, ever refer to our future child as lemonade ever again!” Aunty Lessi giggled.

You gasped, immediately terrified that you’d insulted your Aunty Lessi, mistakenly making fun of her unborn baby.  “Oh, I’m so, so sorry Aunty Lessi, I didn’t mean to be rude! I really didn’t-”

“No, no Bunny, it’s okay.  Because after that, pretty much everyone we told that Aunty Leah was pregnant and they realised the timeline with her knee said the exact same thing – when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

“And while Aunty Lessi was adamant at first that we couldn’t refer to the baby as Lemonade, well… we now sometimes do call them our little Lemonade.  It’s become an affectionate nickname of sorts,” Aunty Leah assured you.

“Really?” you asked, still terrified that you’d upset them.

“Yeah.  I guess we just weren’t expecting to hear that saying from you, so it caught us off guard a bit.  Sorry, we got a bit carried away.” Aunty Lessi promised you, reaching her hand back to take yours, her gesture both reassuring and comforting you.

“So, you call the baby Lemonade?” You asked after a short silence.  They both nodded with a giggle.  “Can I call the baby Lemonade?”  They both laughed again

“Okay, but only when it’s just us, alright?  We don’t want the team or anyone else catching on.  It’s our little secret. And once they’re born, we’ll call them by their real name,” Aunty Lessi bargained with you.

“Deal!”

“Deal!”

There was a short silence as the excitement of the revelation settled.  You suddenly realised all your questions hadn’t been answered.  “Okay, but what about the booby milk?”

Your Aunty Leah laughed before replying, “Only I will make that, and it’s just for the baby.  We won’t be putting it on cereal.  It’s got special nutrients in it that are just right for the baby because they can’t eat or drink anything else for the first several months.  Only the Mummy who is pregnant makes milk.”

“But what if the baby is hungry but you’re at the shops or something?  How does Aunty Lessi feed them?” you asked. 

“Well, I can do what is called pumping, which is basically using a machine to squeeze the milk out of my boobies so that we can store it for when I’m not around, or just so Aunty Lessi can feed the baby even if I am here.  You can even feed them if you want to”

“I can? Really?”  The thought of helping feed the baby, helping feed Lemonade, made you feel a strange, but nice, sense of warm and tingly.  You didn’t know what the feeling was, but it made you want to sing and fly and twirl.

“Yeah.  It might take a little while for them to get used to using a bottle, but once they’re used to it, you can definitely have a turn feeding them,” Aunty Lessi told you.

“So, it’s different to our cereal milk then?” you questioned.

“Yes, that’s cow’s milk.  Or some people use oat milk or goat milk or soy mi-”

“What about bunny milk?” you interrupted.

 “I’ve never heard of humans drinking bunny milk, I think only baby bunnies drink that.”  Aunty Lessi laughed at your question.  You weren’t too sure why.  If people drank cow’s milk and goat’s milk, why not bunny milk?

“And how do bunnies make babies?  Is it the same as people? They just love each other?” you enquired.

“Well, there’s a little bit more to it than that for both people and bunnies.  But it’s a bit complicated and I think we would be better off explaining it with the help of some books from the library.  How about we pick some out the next time we’re there, yeah?  We could maybe go on Tuesday after school,” Aunty Leah suggested.

“I like the sound of that” you agreed.

“I thought you might.”

--

As the car parked at the training ground, you looked out the window to see people dressed in red everywhere.  There was a large bus waiting out the front of the building, and a big brown dog with soft looking ears lying on the ground in front of the bus door.

You loved dogs.  You loved all animals really.  You connected with them far quicker, easier and deeper than you seemed to connect to humans, especially those your age.  You’d never been able to get a pet because your Daddy was allergic to lots of different kinds of fur, but whenever you got the chance to meet a dog or a cat or a bird or a lizard or a fish or turtle or a guinea pig or a horse or a BUNNY… you jumped at the opportunity.

As Aunty Lessi opened your door and helped you out of your car seat, your eyes stayed glued to the big brown dog the whole time.

“Alright Bunny, we just have to sign in, get our lanyards and th-” Aunt Leah began explaining.

“Can I pat the dog?” you interrupted, simply unable to wait any longer. 

Your Aunty Leah looked up from where she was pulling a bag out of the boot of the car and noticed where your gaze was fixated in the direction of the big soft looking brown dog.

“Oh yes, of course you can sweets.  That’s Winnie.  She’s our team dog.  She’s really friendly.”

Not needing to be told twice, you ran towards the dog, dropping to your knees as you reached her.  You carefully held your hand out to her as you’d been taught to do when meeting a new animal, and she gave you a good sniff before she sat up and rubbed her cheek against your hand. 

“Hi Winnie, I’m Y/K, but everyone calls me Bunny, or Bun.  It’s so nice to meet you.”  You began scratching at the fur behind her ears, her head tilting as you hit what seemed to be a good spot.  “You are such a pretty girl.  And you are oh so soft and shiny.”

“I’m happy to see you’ve made a friend already, Bun.”

You looked up to see your Aunty Lessi smiling down at you as she crouched down to give Win a pat too.

“Does she come to all your games and practices and stuff?” you asked.

“Not all of them, but she hangs around the training centre a lot and she does come to some games.  I believe she’s coming along to the Emirates with us today,” she replied.

“Really?  Is she coming on the bus too?  What kind of dog is she?  Where does she go when the game is on?  Does she sit in the stands?  If she’s the team dog, then where does she live?” you asked.

“Well, she’s a chocolate labrador-” your Aunty Lessi began to explain.

“Ya got a new fan, Win?”

You whipped your head around to the source of the peculiar sounding voice as a lady with big eyelashes and a really pretty smile came walking towards you.

“Bunny, this is Katie” your Aunty Lessi stood to greet the new arrival.

“Hey there Bun, I’ve heard all about ya from yer Aunties!”

You didn’t really know how to reply.  You had never been good at talking to new people, especially when you didn’t have a specific topic or task to talk to them about.

“Well, the girls and I heard yer big into reading, and wanted to learn a bit more about football, so we got ya a few books.  Some of them are about football, some of them are just ones we liked when we were kids.  I was never much of a reader, so I wouldn’t trust my recommendations, but there’s a few smarties in the team like you are, so those are the ones who we took the recommendations from.”  She winked at you as she held a large glittery purple gift bag out towards you.

“Oh wow. Th-Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t bring any presents for you or the others.”

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

“Nah, don’t be silly kid.  This is a welcome to the team present from all the gals.  I just hope there isn’t any double ups with ones you’ve already read.  I’ve heard ya read loads of books!” 

“I-I have.  I love to read.  Thank you for the present” your hands trembled slightly as you took the bag from her grasp, overwhelmed by her kindness.

“No worries kiddo.  I hope you enjoy the game!”  She winked at you again before heading onto bus.

Winnie nudged at your hip with her nose, saddened that you’d stopped your pats to collect your present.  You looked between the bag in your hands and the dog, unsure of how to give both the attention they deserved. 

“How about I pop the present in the car, and we can go through it tonight after the game?  That way you’ve got something to look forward to at home, yeah?” Aunty Lessi suggested.

You nodded hastily, thankful for the suggestion.  She collected the bag from your hands and you immediately turned your attention back to Win, giggling as she rolled onto her back for you to scratch her tummy.

Much too soon it was time to say bye to Winnie and get on the big bus.  There was already lots of people bustling about amongst the seats as your Aunty Lessi guided you down the aisle toward two pairs of empty seats behind each other.  Your Aunty Leah sat in the front seats and you and Aunty Lessi sat in the back two.

The bus ride to the stadium was… chaotic.  Everyone on the team wanted to come meet you and say hi, but it’s rather overwhelming trying to learn all the new names and faces.  At some point you caught your Aunty Leah not so subtly waving people away as you began to curl against the window and rub Arthur’s ear softly across your cheek.  You’d reached forward and squeezed her hand through the gap in the seats in a silent thank you.  

You do specifically remember one player you met named Lia, because she has the same name as your Aunty, but apparently, it’s spelt differently.  She said she helped pick out some of the books in your present and that she’d love to go to the library with you some time.  When you asked your Aunty Leah if that would be okay, she had said “Absolutely!”

There was also another kid on the bus; a little boy running up and down the aisle with light up sneakers and a jersey with the number 19 on it.  You couldn’t quite figure out who his adults were though, because everyone seemed to treat him like their own.  He couldn’t be more than 2 or 3 years old you figured because he doesn’t seem to speak in full sentences and he still seemed a bit wobbly on his feet. 

At one point in the bus trip, he got upset over something and began crying and screaming for his Mummy.  A lady with pretty blue eyes and her hair in a tight little bun scurried down the aisle to pick him up and cuddle him.

“Is he okay?” you asked your Aunty Lessi.

“Oh, I’m sure Jack will be just fine.  I think he just took a little tumble.  Caitlin will make sure he’s all better,” she reassured you.

If you had thought the bus trip was overwhelming, that was nothing compared to the stadium itself.  As the bus drove in, there was a sea of people dressed in red and white that stretched on for as far as you could see.

You had watched your Aunties play before, both on television and in the stands, and you knew there were lots and lots of people who came to watch, but there was something different about seeing it from this perspective.

“It’s gunna be a bit loud once we park up and get out of the bus, alright Bun?  And like we talked about, there’s gunna be lots of people all over the place.  So make sure you keep your lanyard on and just hold tight to my hand until we get into the locker room, yeah?” Aunty Lessi reminded you.

“Can do, Aunty Lessi” you replied.

When the bus came to a stop, you gripped your Aunty Lessi’s hand tight.  It was only a few steps, but the noise as you got off the bus and entered through the players entrance was entirely overwhelming.  You couldn’t help but screw your face up as the screeches and squeals rattled and clawed at every bone in your body.  You lifted your hands to cover your ears, but both were full – one with your Aunty Lessi’s hand, and the other clutched tight to Arthur.

Thankfully the cheering and squealing noise faded out pretty quickly as you moved through the underbelly of the stadium, making your way into the locker room.  Your Aunty Lessi guided you over to a cubby that had your Aunty Leah’s name on it.

“I’ve got to go do pitch inspections and get dressed and ready for the game now.  Will you be alright just hanging out here?  Aunty Leah is just doing a quick interview, but she should be in shortly and I will be around, yeah?” she asked, handing you your backpack.

You nodded, quite happy to curl up into the little nook with Arthur and a book.  You unzipped your bag and retrieved your book as well as the little purple blanket you’d stuffed in there, and bundled yourself up.  But before you could start reading, your eyes drifted over all the different names on the back of the players shirts that hung in the other cubbies.

Fox, 2.  Mead, 9.  Walti (there was some funny dots above the A in her name, which you made a mental note to research when you next had your iPad), 13.  Foord, 19.  McCabe, 11.

Wait.  McCabe.  McCabe’s number was the one Aunty Leah had said you weren’t allowed to get printed on your jersey. 

“The only rule is that you’re not allowed to pick McCabe’s number, because we will never hear the end of that, okay?”

They had all seemed really nice on the bus, but if Aunty Leah had made a rule, then there had to be a reason for it.  Maybe McCabe was mean to your Aunties like the kids at school were to you?

When the players all shuffled in and placed their belongings in their cubbies, you were immediately confused to see the nice lady with big eyelashes who had given you the bag of books sit down in front of the McCabe jersey.  You were even more confused when the little boy from the bus toddled up to her and asked “Ma! Ma!  Kywa has sweeties.  I has them too?”

“Ya already sweeties on the bus Jack.  If ya have too many more, ya won’t be able to sit still enough to watch the game” she told him, crouching down to straighten out his red and white shirt.

The little boy’s head fell forward immediately, his bottom lip jutting out as he looked like he was about to cry.  “But-but- Ma! I want the sweeties! I be good.  Promise.  I sit still.”

“Alright, but just one.  You hear that Kyra, just one,” she shouted, making sure a cheeky looking player holding a bag of sweets heard her.

“Kywa, Ma said yes.  I has sweeties!” the little boy cheered, running off toward who you figured must be Kyra’s direction.  She scooped him up in her arms and gave him a high five before offering him the bag of sweets to choose from.

You really couldn’t wrap your head around how the McCabe you’d met and observed today could possibly be mean to your Aunties like the kids at school were to you.  She seemed like a good ‘Ma’ and she had been really kind to you.  There had to be another reason why your Aunty Leah wouldn’t let you get her number on your shirt.

As you sat and pondered, your Aunty Leah entered the locker room.

“Looks like you’ve got yourself all set up here, Bun,” she chuckled as she approached you, placing her bag in the shelf below where you sat.  You nodded, squeezing Arthur tight.

“Okay, so normally for the game friends and family sit way up the top of the stadium in fancy seats, so that’s where like my Mum and cousins and stuff will be sitting.  But because I can’t play at the moment because of the baby, we thought you might like to sit down behind the subs bench with me, so you don’t have to go sit with people you don’t know very well.  Is that alright?” she asked.

You nodded immediately, terrified at the thought of having to sit with a bunch of people you didn’t really know.  “Y-yes please.  If that’s okay with your boss?”

“Of course it is.  I double checked with all the big bosses and it’s totally fine.  I do warn you that I can get a little bit… well… passionate about the game at times” she chuckled. 

“Passionate?  She’ll scream your bloody ear off!” a lady with blonde hair and blue eyes interjected.  She’d introduced herself of the bus but you couldn’t quite remember her name.  You think it started with a B?  Belle?  Bess?

“Oh, ignore her Bunny.  I’ll be on my best behaviour.  But I did bring you a pair of earmuffs just in case it’s a bit too loud in the stadium,” she reached into her bag and pulled out a pair of sparkly purple ear defenders.  There was a little cartoon bunny sticker on each of the ears.

You were in awe.  They were so pretty and they had obviously been purchased specifically with you in mind.  Wriggling out of your blanket burrow, you leaped toward your Aunty Leah, wishing a simple hug could show just how much these earmuffs meant to you.

“Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.”

Thank angle was awkward due to her big baby belly, but you felt her nestle her nose against the top of your head and smile.

“Anything for you, babygirl.”

--

The game was intense.  There was lots and lots and lots of people.  Your Aunties team was versing a blue team called Chelsea, and from what you could tell, they seemed to be Arsenal’s archrivals.

The noise between the fans was beyond intense, and you were so overwhelmingly grateful for the earmuffs your Aunty Leah had given you.  They didn’t block out everything, but they took the edge off the screeching sounds of horns and squealing cries of other young girls in the crowd. 

During the game there were lots of attempts from both teams at kicking the ball into the back of the net, but none of them had been successful.  Toward the end of the second half, the referee had pulled out several yellow cards from her shirt pocket – you weren’t quite sure what that meant, but you had made a mental note to research that.  Your Aunty Leah had told you that each half went for 45 minutes but when the big clock hit 45:00 another lady on the sideline held up a board with the number 4 on it and play appeared to go on.  It was all very confusing. 

But then… then the blue team made some kind of mistake, and it seemed like Arsenal had heaps of room to themselves and out of nowhere your Aunty Lessi was flying down the pitch towards the goal with the ball at her feet.

Within moments she was smashing the ball passed the opposition’s goalkeeper and into the back of the net.  Beside you, your Aunty Leah sprung to her feet, screaming with joy.

“Yessss!  That’s my girl!  Come on, Less!”

The crowd around you roared, scarves swinging, horns shrieking, music blaring.

Your Aunty Lessi ran towards where you were sitting and threw her hands up into a love heart shape, before pointing right at you, the smile on her face as big as you’d ever seen it.

For a brief moment it felt really nice to know your Aunty Lessi had been thinking about you while she was playing and scoring the goal.  You felt that same warm feeling, tingly feeling that you’d felt early in the car; the one that made you want to sing and fly and twirl.  You felt a sense of safety and home, thinking for just a moment that maybe you could be a part of your Aunties forever family, maybe there could be room for you in their lives even after Lemonade arrive.

But then, you realised there were cameras pointed in your direction and your face was on the big screens and everyone in the stadium was looking directly at you.  Your hands began to tremble, and your cheeks began to flush as the walls of the stadium felt as though they were crashing in on you.  You burrowed your face deep into the plush fur of Arthur’s belly and soon your felt your Aunty Leah’s arms wrap around you and pull you into her side.  You could hear your heart beating in your ears as you clung to fabric of your Aunty’s jacket. 

A few moments later you felt her gently tug back the cup on your earmuffs and whisper to you, “You’re okay Bun, it’s alright.  The cameras are off you now.  It’s okay sweetie.”

Whilst you were relieved to hear the cameras were no longer directed at you, your whole body was still trembling; your breath so tight in your throat you thought you might soon pass out.  Your Aunty Leah pulled back a little to look down at you, her face covered in concern.  She tried to tell you something, but you couldn’t make out the words, her voice muffled by a mixture of the earmuffs and what you could only describe as the sound of ringing and whooshing and thumping and silence all mixed together.

You could feel your chest becoming tighter and tighter as your eyes flickered around trying to figure out the source of the tightness.  It kind of reminded you of the tightness you felt when you couldn’t breathe because of the… smoke.

Smoke means fire!

Was there a fire?

You needed to get out of there.

You needed to get your Aunty Leah out of there.  You needed to get Lemonade out of there.

You couldn’t see fire.  You couldn’t smell smoke.  There was no smoke alarm.  But the tightness in your chest.  It could only be that.  It had to be that.

PART 3

“30 days has September, April, June and November…”

You had set yourself the task today to make yourself a calendar.  Maths had never been your strongest subject in school, but you were excellent at remembering, so you knew the month song off by heart and were mumbling it to yourself as you began digging into your desk draw to retrieve some art supplies.

The decision to make the calendar had hit you last night when you were reading one of your new library books before bed and the return receipt slipped out of the back cover and onto your lap.  Normally, it was the very first thing you retrieved when you got home from the library, making sure to mark the return dates down on your big white board calendar on the fridge.  But you were still getting used an entirely new routine in your new house and you’d completely forgot to look for the slip.

Now that you had it though, you had to make sure you noted down the dates somewhere you could easily see them.  So, with a few pieces of paper, a ruler and some markers, you drew up a calendar for the next few months.  By checking the borrow date on the receipt and counting how many days it had been since your library visit, you managed to figure out what todays date was.  From there, and with the help of that handy month song, you’d managed to fill in the rest of the dates.   

When it was all completed you stepped back to examine your work.  If you were honest with yourself, your lines could have been drawn straighter and your handwriting could have been much, much neater.  But you didn’t have the energy to redo it, so it would have to do.  For now. 

You surveyed your room for someone to put it.  In your old house your calendar was on the fridge, out in the open for everyone to see and help you keep track of.  Here, it needed to be hidden from your Aunties, so that it was your responsibility, and your responsibility alone, to make sure you were staying on top of everything.

Everything.

A wave of guilt crashed over you as you remembered all the other things you would keep track of on your calendar.  Now that you were a big girl, you had been helping around the house and you had chores.  You would set the table and help take the cups and plates and spoons out of the dish washer (only Mummy and Daddy could touch the knives).  You would also check for mail every morning and there was a pretty purple watering can you got use to water the flowers in the front garden a couple of times a week.

But you didn’t do any of that here at your Aunties house.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Part of you worried that your Aunties didn’t trust you enough to ask you to help out around the house.  Perhaps they thought you weren’t smart enough or strong enough or big enough to lend a hand.  Or maybe they were secretly mad that you hadn’t insisted on helping and were keeping a top-secret list of all the times you didn’t help out and they would present it to you on a big, long scroll on the day they kicked you out their house.

You shuddered at the thought of that.  That was a day you thought about often.  You didn’t know how many days or weeks or months it was until the baby was here, but surely your time here at your Aunties house was running out.  You needed to do everything in your power to be good until then so that they didn’t kick you out any sooner.  

That night before tea, you made sure to wash your hands extra good before heading into the kitchen where your Aunty Lessi was cooking.  

“Aunty Lessi, could I set the table?”

“Oh sure!  If you’d like.  Just give me a moment and I’ll show you where everything is.”

You grinned in silent satisfaction, glad that it seemed like your Aunty wasn’t outright opposed to you proving your worth.  After your Aunty Lessi finished with whatever she was stirring on the stove, she led you over to various cupboards and drawers and pointed out where the placemats, plates and cutlery lived.  Whilst there were a few plastic cups in the same cupboard as the plates for you to use, the glasses your Aunties drank out of were on a higher shelf that were too high for you to reach.

“Don’t worry about those, I can grab them” she insisted.

“I could get a chair or something to stand on?”

“Don’t be silly, Bun Bun.  I’ll get them.  Thank you for getting everything else though.”

Silly. Silly. Silly.

Once you were all sat down for dinner, you watched your Aunty Lessi spin spaghetti around her fork before you took a deep breath in and began.

“Did I do okay at setting the table?”

“You did a great job, Bunny!” Your Aunty Leah was smiling big and bright at you.  She had a bit of sauce on her chin, but you thought it would be rude to tell her.

“Do you think I could do it every night?” you asked.

“Uhh… I mean, if you want to, sure.”

Victory.  One chore to add to the calendar.

“What about the post?  Can I be in charge of checking that too? Does it come in the mornings?”

You observed as your Aunties caught eyes with each other across the table, seeming to have a silent conversation.

“Umm, yes I suppose you could do that if you like,” Aunty Lessi nodded.

“Great!  And I can help empty the dishwasher.  No knives of course, but I can do spoons and plates and bowls and cups and stuff.  And maybe I can water some of your flowers, or all of them?  Or I can learn how to do other stuff too.  Like I could figure out how to do the laundry or clean the bathrooms or anything you want really…”

You hadn’t really realised, but you had pulled your knees up to your chest as your rant had gone on.  Your head was now resting on top of them as you looked eagerly between your Aunties, waiting for their response.  They were doing the silent conversation thing again.

“You don’t need to do all those things sweetheart.  We appreciate you offering, but maybe we’ll wait until you’re a bit older to do things like the laundry and stuff, yeah?” your Aunty Lessi responded.

You felt your stomach drop.  Your Aunty Lessi’s voice was kind, but you knew what her words meant.  They didn’t think you were big enough to help.

“How about we start off with setting the table for tea and checking the mail?  You’re still just settling in here, so we don’t wanna overload you with too much stuff to remember to do.”

--

It may have been bright and sunny outside, but today was a day you had been absolutely dreading.  You had decided to hang your calendar on the back of your bedroom door so that nobody but you would see it, and you had made sure to mark this day with a bright red circle and big a sad face.  Today was the day you were going back to school. 

You weren’t sure how it was decided or who decided, but you’d had a couple of weeks away from school after the fire and now it was time to go back.

You had only been back at school for 3 weeks of the new school year before the fire happened, so your parents had only just bought you brand-new dresses and shoes to replace the previous ones you’d outgrown.  Your pencil case had been filled with fresh crayons and sharp pencils, and you’d only just put a really cool new bunny sticker that your Uncle Gio had given you on your lunchbox.  But now, you had to start all over again.

So today, as you sat in front office with your Aunties, you were wearing a brand-new school dress and shoes and socks and Aunty Lessi had done your hair in a pretty braid with some pretty ribbons.  You also had a brand-new backpack and lunch box and pencil case, and you even had a brand-new iPad in a shiny purple case. 

In theory, you were all set to go.

But just under the surface, just beneath the layer of hairspray and the stiff gingham fabric, you were absolutely dreading heading back to the big noisy classroom and scary, sticky playgrounds.

You didn’t have heaps of friends at school like most of the other kids seemed to have.  You did have one good friend though.  Nora.  She also really liked to read and was super into comic books and superheros.  You didn’t really understand why she liked them, but you were more than happy to listen to her when she wanted to tell you all about them.  You would then tell her some cool bunny facts in return. 

This year the school librarian, Mr Webster, had let you both work on a big jigsaw puzzle every lunchtime.  He kept it safe and flat on a special piece of wood that he hid on top of his bookshelf in his office when you weren’t working on it.  It was a really, really big puzzle with loads more pieces than any other puzzle either of you had ever done before.  You were both determined to finish it before Christmas, but you weren’t sure if Nora had kept going while you were away.  You hoped she had but you also secretly hoped there was still some pieces left for you to do.  

Unlike previous years, Nora wasn’t in your class this year.  You were in Mrs Green’s class, and she was in Miss Roberts’ class.  You’d both written a letter to each teacher requesting to be swapped into each other’s class, but it hadn’t worked.  You were stuck alone in the classes you were in, and honestly, you were miserable. 

You see, it wasn’t that you didn’t have any other friends, that didn’t bother you much at all.  It was the fact that a bunch of the other kids seemed to actively dislike you.  In fact, the thing they seemed to like most in the whole world was picking on you.  They called you names and pulled on your hair and threw things at you.  You couldn’r really pinpoint exactly when it all started, but your first and most vivid memory was when Mitchell Timms had snatched your copy of The Worst Witch out of your hands one lunch time.  He threw it in a muddy puddle and stomped on it until all the pages were torn and the words had jumbled together.  When you ran over to try and save the book, a gift you’d received on your latest birthday, Mitchell just laughed at you and called you a “loser weirdo”. 

For the first 3 weeks of school this year, you had been sat next to a boy named Ollie and it had been awful.  He kept bumping your arm on purpose while you were trying to write and had laughed whenever you got frustrated that you had to erase and redo your mistakes.  One time he had even pulled your chair out from underneath you when you went to sit down, leading you to land on your bottom on the floor with a thud.  The whole class had pointed and laughed at you.  You had run out of the classroom and hid under a bench to try and calm yourself down.

When the teacher came to find you, you were curled in a ball, rubbing your Pocket Arthur softly against your cheek.  Pocket Arthur was your school buddy.  When you’d moved up from Reception into Primary School, your parents had bought you a miniature version of Arthur that you could keep tucked away in your pocket.  They said that now that you were going to big school, Arthur could no longer come along with you, but they wanted to make sure you still had a little buddy to always keep you company.  So, he was your Pocket Arthur, or Pockie for short. 

But he died in the fire too.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

So, on the night before you went back to school, you’d searched through your room, trying to find something to fill the big empty space left by Pockie when he died – the pocket of your school dress.  You tried crumpling up a wad of tissues, but the texture of it was all wrong.  Next you tried a balled-up pair of socks, but it felt scratchy when you tried rubbing it against your cheek.  You looked over the stuffies your Aunties had bought you, but they were all far too big to fit in your pocket.    

One of the stuffies caught your eye however as your dug through the little pile of toys.  It was on the bottom of pile, and you hadn’t seen it since you moved here.  It was a lovely and soft grey kangaroo, with pointy ears and a long tail.  You rather liked kangaroos, because while they were a completely different species to bunnies and could only be found in the wild in Australia, they kind of reminded you of really big rabbits.  As you pressed the soft fur to your cheek, something small fell in your lap.  Picking it up, you realised it was a baby kangaroo.  It must have fallen from the big kangaroo’s pouch.  It was perfect.  The perfect size, the perfect feel, the perfect squish.  You rubbed it against your cheek.  Bliss.  Holding it gently in your little hands, you squinted your eyes and ran your thumbs across the soft fur trying to figure out the perfect name for your new pocket pal.  Bailey.  She seemed like a Bailey.

And it was Bailey who you clung to, you hand shoved deep in your pocket, when the Headteacher Mrs Brinley called you all into her office.

You watched as both your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah shook hands with Mrs Brinley and then you all sat down on big uncomfortable chairs across the table from her.  You’d never been in her office before, so you took a moment to look around, noticing a bunch of certificates in big frames on the wall, a huge bookcase full of books and some photos of who you assumed were her family.

“Well, while we were very, very sad to hear about what has happened, we are glad that Y/K is back at school with us.  Hopefully being back in class will help her with getting back to her regular routine and schedule and assist her in feeling more settled.”

Her voice wasn’t unkind, but everything she said always sounded like she’d been rehearsing for it like it was a speech she had to give in front of the whole school.

“We have both of your phone numbers, as well as the number for your workplace, and we will call you should there be any issues.  But I’m sure Y/K will do just fine.”

Your Aunty Leah gently squeezed your hand that wasn’t firmly stuffed in your pocket, clinging onto Bailey for dear life.

“Mrs Green is going to meet you just back out in the front office and she will walk you up to class.  So, unless anyone has any questions, I’ll let you all get to it.”

You all shuffled back out the front office, where your teacher was waiting for you.  Aunty Lessi knelt down and gave you a big cuddle.

“Okay Bunny. You have fun on your first day back, alright?  And if anything goes wrong, or you don’t feel good or you feel sad… you just let your teacher know to call us okay.”

Aunty Leah leaned over and gave you a kiss on the forehead and stroked your cheek.  “You’ve got everything you need in your backpack, so you’re all set to go.  You’ve got this.”

“Okay.”

“We love you.”

The walk to your classroom was mostly filled with your teacher telling you about all the things you’d missed while you’d been away from school.  A little bubble of dread was beginning to build in your stomach as you realised all the work you now had to catch up on.  But by lunchtime that bubble had been replaced by a boulder.

Holding your lunch box and book tight to your chest, you looked around the hall for a spare seat.  Normally, you and Nora would sit together to eat your lunch and then go to the library, but to make a bad day even worse Nora was away from school today.  You had spent a solid 5 minutes looking for her, but according to a student in her class she’d had to stay home because she a nasty tummy bug.

The hall was quickly filling up as students grabbed their hot meals or lunch boxes and sat down at their chosen tables.  It quickly became apparent that the only spot left was one on the end of a table filled with some of the children who didn’t like you.  You’d spent so long looking for Nora, you’d been left with no other option.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

With a deep breath, you headed over to the table.  You sat quietly in the seat, hoping you would go unnoticed.

You didn’t.

“Why you sitting with us, Y/K?  Isn’t there anyone else you can sit with?” Jessica asked as you unzipped your lunch box.  You just shook your head in response.  A chorus of grumbles followed from the rest of the kids sitting at the table.

“Eww yuck, why does she have to sit with us?”  

“Where’s her weirdo friend?”

“Maybe she can sit on the floor instead.”

You just tried to tune them out, grabbing a sandwich out of your lunch box to munch on.  Your first bite was interrupted when the boy sitting beside you, Max, nudged you.

“Hey, were those your new Mums who brought you into school today?”

You hastily swallowed your sandwich, wanting to explain. “They’re my-” It was no use.  The group quickly began announcing their thoughts on the matter before you had a chance to correct them.

“Two Mums?  How can someone have TWO Mums?  That’s not right.”

“Yeah, my Dad says that it’s disgusting when two boys or two girls are married or kiss and stuff!”

“Oh yeah, like, have you ever saw two lads kiss? It’s weird!”

“I saw two ladies kissing when my Pop took me to the football last week.  He said they were going straight to hell!”

“As if she wasn’t weird enough, now she’s got two Mums too!”

Something inside you snapped, and you found yourself with your fists clenched and your cheeks red, Bailey long forgotten in your pocket.

“Yeah, well, they’re not my Mums, they’re my Aunties.  And they’re really nice and really clever and super cool.  And they play football for England, and and for the red and white club with the cannon!  And my Aunty Leah is the captain and everything! So that’s cooler than any of your families, ever!”

There was a short silence before they all started laughing.

“Girl’s football!  That doesn’t count!”

“That’s not real football!”

“Arsenal!  Pfffft.”

“I can’t wait to tell my Dad about this.”

“One of them looked pregnant when I saw them outside the office.  There’s no way they let her play like that!”

“That’s why they shouldn’t let girls play!”

“Wait, how is she having a baby if there’s no Daddy to put the baby in her?”

Whilst the rest of the comments had begun to muddle together and fade into the background as you tuned them all out, this last one pierced through.  Your head shot back in the direction of Jessica, the girl who had asked the question.  She was looking straight at you with her eyes squinted, twirling a strand of her hair around her pointer finger.

You hadn’t ever stopped to think about this.  To be honest you’d never really been interested in where babies came from.  You knew that whilst it varied from breed to breed, bunnies were pregnant for an average of 31 days and had litters of babies.  You also knew that humans usually only had one baby at a time and they were pregnant for around 9 months.  But you didn’t know how either bunnies or humans became pregnant.  Honestly, you were stumped.

PART 2

You couldn’t really believe how different your room looked now.  Your Aunties had gone a bit overboard and it had somehow transformed from a very plain and adult looking room, to a soft and colourful squishy bedroom.  You now had a cozy single bed with a purple duvet cover and lots of new stuffies.  You had a bookshelf that was already half filled with books and a desk with drawers filled with all different coloured papers and various drawing supplies.  Your wardrobe was filled with all sorts of new clothes, including brand new school uniforms and a new backpack.  There’s a big fluffy rug on the floor and a small nightlight shaped like a bunny on your bedside table. 

Beside the bunny nightlight there was a picture frame with a photo of you, your Mummy and your Daddy in it.

It made you feel a bit sad, but you still don’t want to cry.  You hadn’t cried since they died.

You didn’t cry when you found out.  You didn’t cry at their funeral.  You didn’t cry when your Nana took you to see what was left of your home.  You just felt an overwhelming sense of nothing about it all.  You didn’t know how else to explain it.

You did however still feel anxious and trembly and on edge about your new living situation.  You of course knew that Aunty Lessi and Leah would never do anything on purpose to hurt you, but you didn’t want to do anything to upset them or make them angry.  You wanted to be good.  You needed to be good.    

So, as you lay tucked into your squishy new bed, you tried your best to just fall asleep.  You’d wanted to read a book like you usually did before bed, but your nightlight wasn’t bright enough.  So once Aunty Lessi had turned the big light off, you had been left to just toss and turn.  You’d tried counting sheep.  Well, you’d tried counting bunnies actually, but that didn’t help.  Then you tried listing off all the different breeds of bunnies that you could think of, and then you tried to list off all the books you had read and at some point you finally, finally drifted off to sleep.

The next morning it’s your birthday and you’re sitting at the kitchen table with your Mummy and Daddy as they sing happy birthday to you.  There are some presents beside you and a big card with a number 8 and a bunny on it.  You make a wish and go to blow your candles out, but instead of blowing them out, you take a birthday candle off your cake and flick it onto the floor.  The whole house erupts in flames as you walk out the front door, not even stopping to look back as you hear your Mummy and Daddy’s scream.

Suddenly you wake up, gasping for air and covered in sweat.  Your sheets are all tangled around you, and you feel like you’re being strangled.  You leap out of the bed, desperate to escape the location of your nightmare.  You just wanted to escape to somewhere far, far away.  Anywhere would do.  Anywhere but the place where your head was currently.

So, you escape the best way you know how.  Looking around the room, you figure out what supplies you’ll need to gather: a sheet, a torch of some kind, Arthur (of course) and a book.  Once gathered, you sat on the big fluffy rug and pulled the sheet over your head before cracking the new book open and diving into whatever world awaits you.  The relief is instant. 

You’re not too sure how long it is before you hear a few footsteps followed by your bedroom door creaking open gently.

“Bunny, what are you doing up sweetie?”

You panic.  You’d been caught by your Aunty Leah.  Surely you were going to get in all sorts of trouble for being up this late when you should have been in bed asleep.

You quickly turn off the makeshift torch (you’d discovered some kind of bouncy ball that lit up when you hit it and was just bright enough) and hurried to push the sheet and book away, before diving back into your bed and getting under the covers. 

“S-sorry Aunty Leah.  I’m really sorry…”

Your voice was trembling.  In fact, your whole body was trembling.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

“Hey, hey… you have nothing to apologise for sweetheart.”  Your Aunty Leah walked over towards your bed.  “Is it okay if I sit with you for a bit?”

You nodded, unsure where this conversation was going.  She sat down on the side of bed, one hand on her big baby belly, the other reaching forward to gently stroke your cheek.

It felt really nice.  You very much wanted one of her hugs right about now.

“Sorry for waking y-you up, Aunty Leah.  I promise I didn’t mean to.  I’ll try to be more quiet in the future.”

“Oh Bun, you didn’t wake me up.  This one did” she poked at her belly and chuckled.  “They’re currently doing star jumps on my bladder and making me need the loo every 10 minutes.  I just thought I’d check on you while I was up.”

A small part of you relaxed knowing you hadn’t woken her up, but you were still waiting for her to punish you for being up past your bedtime.  Not that you really knew what your bedtime was now.  It used to be 8 o’clock, but you were allowed to read in bed with your reading lamp for a little while after that.  Surely it was way, way past 8 o’clock now though.

“Were you having trouble sleeping?” she asked.

“Kind of…”

“Did you have a scary dream?”

You gulped.  That wasn’t exactly how you would describe it, but you also didn’t have any better words to use, so instead you just nodded.

“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry.  You can always come find your Aunty Lessi or I if you have a bad dream or you’re having trouble sleeping.  We’re always happy to give you snuggles in our bed.”

You just nod, afraid to tell her that you couldn’t climb into her and Aunty Lessi’s bed.  Bad things happen when you sleep in beds that aren’t yours.  You would never tell your Aunties, but you had slept on the floor the two nights before your brand-new bed had arrived, too scared to sleep in the big, adult bed in case something bad happened again.

“I’m happy to see you reading the books we picked out though.  We weren’t too sure what you had and hadn’t read, so we just tried to get you your own little library going…”

All of a sudden, the most intense wave of panic hit you, followed by a terrifying realisation.  For the first time since your parents died, you started to cry.  And it wasn’t the gentle, weepy kind of cry.  It was the big, jagged breaths and snotty nose tears streaming down your face kind of cry.

“Oh my goodness… I’m- I’m going to get in so much trouble! They’ll never let me back there again.  I’ll have to find some way to make all the money to pay them back.  It’s- it’s going to take me years.  I- I- I’ll never-”

“Woah, woah… deep breaths, deep breaths.  Copy me, in through your nose, out through your mouth.”

You copied your Aunty Leah and your breathing slowly started to settle down, your panic subsiding a little, but your tears continued to fall.

“That’s it. Well done, Bunny.  Can you tell me what made you so upset just now?” she asked.

“All of my library books were in my bedroom and… and I must have had at least 15 or 16 of them.  And Nana said nothing from my room made it through the fire and Mummy always said if I didn’t treat the library books good or if I lost one that I would have to save up all my pocket money to replace it.  Because if the books get lost or broken then no-one else can borrow them.”

You’re getting worked up again, your voice beginning to rise. 

“But I don’t have any pocket money, coz it was all in my bunny bank, and that would have gone in the fire too and it’s going to take me forever to save up enough to replace 16 books and the librarians will be so mad at me.  They’ll probably never let me back in the library or any library ever again!”

It was the most you had spoken since you had moved in with your Aunties, and you could tell that your Aunty Leah was a bit shocked at your outburst.  Suddenly Aunty Lessi appeared at your door in her pyjamas.  You must have woken her up now too.

Hopeless. Hopeless. Hopeless.

“I’m sorry for being so loud, I shouldn’t have shouted. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

At some point, you’re not really sure when, you’d buried your face into the fur of Arthur’s belly, rubbing the softness across your skin in an effort to calm yourself down.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

The words just kept tumbling out of your mouth, losing all sense and meaning.  You just kept saying them over and over, feeling like both them and the soft fur of your beloved Arthur were the only things keeping you tethered to the earth right now.

But then you were being lifted out of your bed sheets and being pulled into a tight embrace.  You assumed it was your Aunty Lessi.  There was no baby belly and it smelled like Aunty Lessi.  She wore the same perfume as your Mummy did.  You clung to her with all your strength, even though you were still afraid that she was angry at you for waking her up.  She stroked your hair and ran her fingers gently up and down your back as she walked around the room with you in her arms, rocking you slightly.  You felt like a baby, but you didn’t care.  You knew you were a big girl who could and would look after herself, but just for this moment, this one moment, you just wanted to be little again.  You just wanted to be held and comforted and cuddled and loved.

You just wanted your Mummy and Daddy.

And just as quickly as the wave of panic and outburst of tears hit you, the balloon of emotions grew too big, and popped.  Once again, you felt nothing. 

Your tears dried, your breathing settled and your tight grip on your Aunty loosened until she placed you gently back down in your bed.  Your Aunty Leah brushed your hair back from your face, tucking it behind your ear and cupping your cheek.  She looked at you with what seemed to be a mixture of concern and confusion, as if she couldn’t quite figure out how you’d gone so quickly from a shaking, crying little baby back to your previous state of nothingness.  You couldn’t figure it out either, it’s just how it was.

“Bunny, I don’t want you worry about those library books for a single second.  We will talk to the librarians and if there are any fees that need to be paid, Aunty Lessi and I will make sure they are taken care of.  The library isn’t going to stop you from coming to visit because something really, really awful has happened to you.  We will make sure you get to go back and pick out plenty of new books to read, okay?  We will always make sure you have plenty of books to read.  We promise.”

--

The next day when your Aunty Lessi went off to training, Aunty Leah took you down to the library.

She had asked you if you wanted to talk to the librarian or if you wanted her to do it for you.  Whilst everything inside of you screamed to let her do the talking, you were a big girl, and it was your fault the books got destroyed, so you had to do this yourself.  So, you walked up to the counter and with trembling hands pressed the little silver bell on the bench and waited patiently for a librarian to come help you.

A kind looking lady with fuzzy black hair and big brown eyes approached the desk and gazed down toward you.  “And how can I help you today, little lady?”

With a deep breath and a tight squeeze of your beloved Arthur, you began to explain.

“My house burned down.  I had borrowed lots and lots of books because I love to read but they all got burned in the fire so I can’t return them.  So I-I-I know I need to pay loads of money to replace them, but I need to know how much so I can start saving…”

The lady looked from you, up towards your Aunty Leah stood just behind you, who had what you could only describe as a sad smile on her face as she nodded at the librarian.

“Well, it sounds to me like the only thing that needs replacing here is your library card.  I’m assuming you lost that in the fire too darling?”

You hadn’t even considered your library card.  Were you going to have to pay for that as well?

“Oh yeah, I did.  So umm… how much will it all cost all together then, with the library card added on?”

Useless. Useless. Useless.

“Oh no sweetie, what I’m saying is that you don’t have to pay for anything.  We’ll just make sure we get you set up with a replacement library card so that you can keep borrowing from the library and keep on reading!”

You were shocked.  You were certain that the fee was going to be huge.  Absolutely massive.  And even though you knew your Aunties had said they’d pay for it, you’d promised yourself you would save up and pay them back every last pound.

“Really?”

“Absolutely!  Here, you just need pick out which design you would like on your new library card, and I’ll just grab a few details off your Mum here and-”

“She’s my Aunty.  My Mummy died in the fire.  So did my Daddy.”

A tense silence filled the air as you went about looking over the laminated sheet of paper showing you the card design options.

“Can I get the one with the purple ladybirds, please?”

--

When your Aunty Lessi came home from training that afternoon, she had her kit bag on her shoulder and a couple of shopping bags in her hands.

“Hi my loves!”

You watched from your spot on the armchair as your Aunty Leah walked in from the kitchen and gave Aunty Lessi a kiss ‘hello’.  After their kiss, Aunty Lessi bent down to rub her hands over Aunty Leah’s tummy and pressed a few kisses there too.  They were exchanging soft words, but they were talking a bit too quietly and were standing a bit too far away for you to hear.

Your insides felt a weird jumbly feeling whenever you saw the pair of them kiss and cuddle, especially when Aunty Lessi would kiss or talk to Aunty Leah’s baby belly.  A part of you felt this really warm, light kind of feeling that made you want to sing and fly and twirl, but a bigger part of you felt this awful sinking feeling that made want to run and hide.  When they combined, they made you feel like you might be sick.

In an effort not to throw up all over your Aunties nice furniture, you leapt from the armchair and ran quietly towards the bathroom, making sure to close the door gently behind you.

Whilst you didn’t end up being sick, you found relief in the feeling of the cool bathroom tiles against your skin as you lay on the floor staring up at the ceiling.  You weren’t sure how long you’d been laying there, running your fingers across the smooth flooring, before you heard a soft knock at the door. 

“Bunny? Are you okay in there?  You’ve been in there a little while?”

Lifting your head off the cool tiles, you rummaged together a response for your Aunty Lessi.

“Uhh, yeah.  Just a bit of a yucky tummy.  I’m okay,” you replied.

“Alright sweetie, let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you Aunty Lessi.”

Your head hit the tiles again with a soft thud.

Reluctantly you got to your feet, straightened your clothes and looked at yourself in the mirror.  You made sure to flush the toilet to make your lie seem a little more realistic, and you washed your hands so that they would smell like your Aunties nice vanilla soap.

When you emerged from the bathroom and re-entered the living room, your Aunty Lessi got off the couch where she had been sitting and shuffled on her knees over to you.

“How are you feeling, Bun?”

She looked you over as one of her hands ran over your forehead, checking for a temperature, whilst the other ran soothingly up and down your back.

“I’m fine.  My tummy was just a bit upset, but it’s all good now.  I’m fine.” 

“Do you want some water or some toast or-”

“I’m fine, Aunty Lessi.”

“Okay, well you let us know if you need anything or you feel worse, alright?” she insisted.

You nodded, gently stepping out of her grasp as you shuffled back toward the armchair you had been sitting in, aiming to reunite with Arthur and your book.

There was a brief silence as you got yourself settled, but then Aunty Lessi returned to the room with the shopping bags from earlier.

“I got you a couple of things, Bunny.”

You looked up from your book, confused to find your Aunty Lessi now sitting in front of the coffee table.  She was patting the spot beside her, indicating to you she wanted you to join her on the rug.  You shuffled back down off the armchair, this time bringing Arthur with you, and tentatively sat in the spot she’d gestured at.

“Well, I know you’re not that big on sports or football, but I thought maybe you might want to come along to our game next weekend?  It’s totally up to you and completely okay if you don’t want to come along! Nana has already said she’ll come around and look after you if you’re not interested.  But just in case you do want to come, or if you ever want to later down the track, I got you some gear so you’ll fit right in and match everyone.”

She started pulling a bunch of red and white clothing out of a bright red shopping bag, each one with the same pictures and words printed somewhere on them.  The final item she pulled out was a mostly red shirt with the word ‘BUNNY’ in big white block writing across the back and the number 23 under it.

“I wasn’t too sure what to get on your jersey, but I figured as Aunty Leah isn’t really playing this season, we’d start with my number, 23, and maybe we can swap to 6 next season or on an away jersey or something.  Or you can pick your favourite number, or another player if you prefer…”

Aunty Leah laughed loudly beside you at the last remark.

“The only rule is that you’re not allowed to pick McCabe’s number, because we will never hear the end of that, okay?” she told you.

You nodded, not quite understanding what she meant, but filing that information away for later.  It seemed important. 

As you surveyed the sea of red and white clothing, you felt a strong sense of obligation to attend the game.  You knew that football was very, very important to your Aunties and they spent a lot of their time playing the sport.  And whilst you only very vaguely understood the rules (kick the ball into the back of the big net thing), you thought maybe with your brand-new library card you might be able to borrow a few books on football and learn about it some more.  You loved to learn, and perhaps this could be an opportunity to learn about something completely new.

“Can Arthur come to the game too?”

You watched as both your Aunties eyes lit up with excitement as they both shouted “Of course!”

“Okay, we will come then.”

“Are you sure, Bun?  You don’t have to just because Aunty Lessi got you some gear,” your Aunty Leah was sitting on the very edge of the couch now, her hand reaching out towards yours.

“I’m sure.  And it’s good coz I want to learn more about football because it means a lot to you” you replied as you took hold of her hand before turning to face Aunty Lessi  “To both of you.”

“Well, we will be honoured to have you come along with us.  And I’ll try and score a goal just for you” your Aunty Lessi said.

You like the sound of that.  That gave you the light kind of feeling that made you wanted to sing and fly and twirl, but without the other horrible sinking feeling that made you want to run and hide.

“What’s- what’s in the other bag?” you asked.

“Oh, thank you for reminding me, I nearly forgot with all the excitement about the game,” she reached over the coffee table and pulled a brown cardboard box out of the bag.  “It’s nothing fancy, but your Aunty Leah realised we didn’t get you a proper lamp for reading, so I popped into the shops and picked you up one.  Now you can read before bed or if you wake up throughout the n-”

You cut her off before she finished her sentence, launching yourself at her in the tightest hug you could muster.  You could have cried at the thoughtfulness.  In fact, you think you may have been crying, just a tiny little bit. 

“Thank you, Aunty Lessi.” 

You quickly pulled back and stumbled over to the couch where Aunty Leah was sitting, wrapping your arms around her the best you could with her big baby belly in the way.

“Thank you, Aunty Leah,” you whispered as her hands ran through your hair.

“No more using a bouncy ball as a torch, yeah?”

You couldn’t help but giggle at that.

“Okay.”

PART 1

--

You didn’t fully remember what had happened that night.

It had all started off very typical.  You’d had tea and a bath and watched a bit of telly before heading upstairs to your room for bed.  You were 7 now and a big girl, and certain you didn’t need tucking in anymore, so you gave your Mummy and Daddy kisses and cuddles before you went to brush your teeth and then snuggled under your bed covers to keep reading your current library book, Matilda. 

At some point you must have dozed off, because you woke up as your Daddy popped his head in through your door to check on you.

“You alright, Bunny?” he asked.  Your nickname had been Bunny for as long as you could remember.  You had been given a bunny stuffie named Arthur by your Nana on the day you were born, and he had been your trusty companion ever since.  Bunnies were also your favourite animal, however you weren’t allowed one as a pet because your Daddy was allergic.  Apparently that meant he came up in big bright red spots whenever he got near one.  Surely there was some kind of cream that though.

“Can I come sleep in your bed with you and Mummy?” You had made sure to use your biggest, pleading eyes to try and convince him.

“Ohh alright.  But you have to remember to be careful of Mummy’s leg, okay?”

Mummy had hurt her leg a couple of weeks before.  She had been playing netball when someone on the other team had crashed into her and she landed poorly.  You weren’t totally sure what was wrong, but you knew that it was apparently worse than whatever Aunty Leah had done to her leg.  But it was also not as bad because your Mummy wasn’t a professional at netball, she just played for fun, and you think maybe they also won some wine sometimes but you’re not 100% sure.  Anyways, she had to go to hospital and have an operation and now she was on crutches (which you weren’t allowed to play on) and you had to help around the house a bit more because it was tricky for Mummy to get around.  You didn’t mind though, you were happy to be her little helper.

As you reached your parents room (Arthur clutched tightly under your arm), you found your Mummy already in the bed, her leg propped up on a pillow under the blanket.  Before she had a chance to ask what you were doing there, you quickly rattled out “Daddy said I could come sleep with you, please please please!”

Your Mummy just laughed and patted the spot beside her on the bed.  A few moments later you and Arthur were snuggled under the covers between your Mummy and Daddy and drifting soundly back to sleep.

The next time you awoke it was to a screeching alarm, one you recognised from when Daddy had tried to bake Mummy a birthday cake but had burned it really, really badly.

“Bunny!  Sweetie, wake up!”

As you opened your eyes you realised you were surrounded by thick black smoke.  Your chest felt tight, and the smoke stung your eyes so badly you couldn’t keep them open.  Everything felt foggy and faint and you could feel yourself quickly falling back asleep.

“Just take her! Save her! Get her out!”

You heard your Mummy’s screams over the blaring of the alarm.  You would hear those screams in your nightmares for the rest of your life.

The next thing you remember was being outside your house and your neighbour Mrs Green was passing you to an ambulance man.  You had Arthur clutched in your hand by his ear as the man lay you down on a wheely bed and put a funny smelling mask over your nose and mouth.

Then you were at the hospital and there was lots of nurses and doctors scrambling around, poking and prodding you.  You had still had the mask on your face that was filling your mouth and nose with funny smelling air.  There was a big needle sticking into your arm connected to a bag on a pole that kind of hurt a bit.  But worst of all, at some point you had lost hold of Arthur, and you could see him lying sadly on a bench across the room.

“She’s awake.”

“Y/N.  Hi, my name is Doctor Smith.  We’re just looking over you to make sure you’re doing okay.  We’ll get you back to a room really soon and then you can see your family, okay?”

Your family was here!  Thank goodness.  Whatever had happened, your Mummy and Daddy were fine and you would see them real soon.

You breathed a small sigh of relief but still reached out instinctively for Arthur.  A nice nurse with dark hair and big, round glasses noticed and looked over at the bunny.

“Is he your special friend?”

You nodded frantically.

“He’s very dirty at the moment, so he’s going to need a bath before you get him back for cuddles, I think.”

You realised that his normally light purple fur was closer to a dark grey colour, but you couldn’t understand how he got so dirty.  Surely a bit of smoke doesn’t get a bunny that dirty. 

And then it hit you.

Smoke.

You’d only seen smoke come from a few things in real life before:

When your Daddy had burned that birthday cake

From the cigarettes the old ladies who sat outside the newsagents smoked

When there was lots of pretty fireworks and sparklers after Aunty Lessi and Leah won a big trophy

After you blew your birthday candles out

Smoke came from burning things.  Had Arthur been burned?

Before you could ask any questions, you were being wheeled into a room where your Nana and Aunty Lessi were.  You loved your Nana and your Aunty Lessi, you really did, but you wanted your Mummy and Daddy.  Where were your Mummy and Daddy?

“Oh Y/N, oh sweetie.  Oh, thank God you’re okay.”  Your Nana was crying as she reached for your hand and kissed your forehead.

You tuned out your Nana and the doctor’s conversation as out of the corner of your eye you spotted the nice nurse with the big, round glasses hand over Arthur, who had now been put in a plastic zippy bag, to your Aunty Lessi.  She whispered something to her you didn’t hear and Aunty Lessi nodded and put him carefully in a big sleepover bag she had with her.  You wondered why she had a sleepover bag with her here at the hospital.

“Does she know about…?” your Nana asked.

“No.  We thought it best that she heard it from family.”

You snapped back to the conversation going on over your head at these words, catching your Nana nodding as she wiped some more tears away from the corner of her eye.

“We’ll leave you be to have some privacy.  One of the nurses will be back in a while to check on her, but of course, don’t hesitate to press the buzzer if you need anything.”

As all the hospital staff left, your Aunty Lessi came around to the other side of the bed and gave you a hug as best as she could, trying not to bump your mask or the big needle in your arm.

“Nan-” you attempted to talk, but the smelly mask on your face was making your words sound all mumbly jumbly.  You also noticed that it hurt a bit in your chest and throat when you tried to speak, your hand automatically coming up to rest on your neck.

“It’s okay sweetheart, you don’t need to speak.  You just rest, okay?” your Nana told you.

You nodded, aware that there was something going on.  Something definitely wasn’t right.  Your eyes flicked between the two women, noticing that their eyes were red and puffy as though they’d been doing lots of crying. 

After a long, awkward silence that seemed to stretch on forever and ever, your Aunty Lessi finally started to speak. 

“Bunny, sweetie, there was a fire at your house.  We don’t know how or where it started, but there was a very bad fire, and it looks like it has destroyed the whole house.”

Your eyes widened as you began to put it all together – the smoke, the alarm, your Mummy screaming…

“Sweetheart, your Mummy and Daddy didn’t make it out.  We don’t know a whole lot yet, but we know that your Daddy ran out of the house with you and gave you to a neighbour.  You were very poorly and not breathing very well, and that’s why you’ve got to wear this mask to help you breathe.  He went back into the house, we can only assume to try and help your Mummy because she can’t… umm couldn’t move around too well because of her leg.  But they never made it out of the house.”

You didn’t really understand.  What did she mean they never made it out of the house?  Where did they go?  Where are they now?

“Bunny, do you understand what I’m saying?” your Aunty Lessi asked.

You shook your head furiously.  You just wanted to see your Mummy and Daddy.  Why weren’t they here?  Were they hurt?  Were they also lying in beds somewhere with masks on their faces and needles in their arms?

Your Nana stood up from her chair and sat down softly on the bed beside you.  She stroked her hand over your face a few times before cupping your cheek gently in her hands.

“I’m so sorry, Bun… Your Mummy and Daddy, they… oh Less, I can’t.  I can’t say it…”

Your Nana pulled away from you, burying her head in her hands as she stood up and turned away slightly.

“It’s okay, Mum.  I’ve… I’ve got it.”

Your Aunty Lessi swopped in and scooped your face gently into her hands, running her thumbs soothingly over your cheeks as you looked at her with confusion.

“Bunny sweetie, your Mummy and Daddy… d-died.”

You think your Aunty Lessi kept talking but her words just faded into background noise as you tuned out everything around you.  You were there, but not really.  Your body was, but your brain was just running over the words “Mummy and Daddy died” over and over and over and over until they lost all meaning.

Mummy died.

Daddy died.

Mummy and Daddy died.

You felt sad, but mostly you just felt kind of… nothing.  It felt almost like the sadness was a balloon that grew too big, too fast and it had popped and now all you were left with was nothing.

In the movies and in your books when people died, their family cried lots and lots.  Your Nana was crying, and it seemed like your Aunty had been crying.  But you didn’t feel like crying.  You did really, really feel like rubbing the soft fur of Arthurs ear across your cheek over and over and over though.

--

You had stayed in the hospital for a few nights before they let you go home. 

Well, not really home.

But your new home.

You were going to live with your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah.  Your Aunty Lessi was your Mummy’s sister and Aunty Leah was her wife.  They both played football for their jobs and travelled a lot.  Before… well, before, you would go and visit them, or they would come visit and you would tell them all about the books you’d been reading and what you’d been learning in school and show them all the different breeds of rabbits there were in the big scrap book you’d been putting together.  That scrapbook was gone now though.  You weren’t sure if you would start making a new one.

Your Aunty Lessi had the most beautiful smile, and she always seemed to be able to make everyone laugh and be happy.  And your Aunty Leah was always a really good listener, and she gave the most excellent hugs.  Sometimes you would go and watch them play football, but you weren’t really interested in sports.  It was always too loud and there was way too many people there.  But it was always exciting when your Aunty Lessi would score a goal though, because if she knew you were in the crowd, she would point in your direction and make a heart with her hands.

You liked your Aunties. You loved them.  But you’d never spent the night at their house or had a sleepover with them.  You didn’t know any of the rules, and you didn’t have your Mummy to remind you of them before you went.  You wanted to be on your bestest behaviour, having read far too many stories and seen too many television shows about children whose parents died and then their new families treated them poorly.  You didn’t think you’d do very well in an orphanage or living on the streets.  You weren’t very tough like those kids were.

You’re not quite sure what to think of your new room at your Aunty Lessi and Leah’s house.  It’s very… adult.  A bit boring to be honest.  Just a big adult bed, a dresser and two bedside tables.  There is a big window however that overlooks the back garden that you quite like.  But you’re just grateful for somewhere to sleep really, thankful that your Aunties are letting you stay here at all.  You’d happily sleep on the loungeroom floor. 

“We will pretty it up and get you lots of new toys and decorate it however you want, Bun.”  Your Aunty Lessi was stroking your hair as you cuddled into her side.  “This is just temporary until your new bed and furniture arrives and we get you all settled in, okay?”

You nodded gently, not really knowing how else to respond.  You were a bit shocked that they’d ordered you a new bed and were going to get you new toys.

“We did get you a few things to start you off with, just until we can all get down to the shops together to pick out some stuff.  I hope they’re okay…” Your Aunty Leah gestured towards the corner where you could see a few boxes and some brightly coloured stuffies peeking out through the handles of some shopping bags.  You looked up at her and blinked, unsure as to whether you were meant to thank her or go and inspect the items or what.

“We can go through that stuff later if you like?” Aunty Lessi suggested, squeezing your shoulder.  “How about we grab something to eat for lunch?”

Just as you were turning to leave the room, a tuft of light purple fluff caught your eye among the bags.

"Is that Arthur?" you asked.

"Oh, your bunny? Yes, Aunty Leah gave him a really good bath and got him all clean again."

You dashed forward and grabbed him from the pile of other toys and clothing, bringing him up to your face to rub his soft ears over your cheeks.

You wanted to say thank you, but those words didn't seem big enough. Instead, you hoped that someday, somehow you would be able to somewhat show your Aunties how much you appreciated them.

With Arthur now tucked under your arm, the three of you made your way down the hall towards the stairs.

“Oh, and remember that is mine and Aunty Lessi’s room,” Aunty Leah gestured towards a door on the right of the hall, pushing it open with her foot.  “If you ever need anything during the night, please don’t hesitate to come and get us.  I’m up and down all throughout the night going to the loo anyways because of this one,” she smirked as she rubbed her growing belly.

“Does it hurt? Growing a baby?”

You don’t really know why you asked.  You were curious, sure.  Your own tummy hurt a bit when you ate too much food, so surely having a baby in there hurt lots.  But now definitely wasn’t the time to ask that kind of question.  

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  

However your Aunty Leah just chuckled and nodded at you.  “It doesn’t exactly hurt, but it is rather uncomfortable at times, especially if the baby moves into an awkward position or kicks a weird spot.”

“The baby kicks you?” you asked.

“Oh yeah!  They’re gonna be a striker just like your Aunty Less, I’m sure of it!”

Aunty Lessi nudged you and pointed at your hand.  “You might actually be able to feel the baby move some time, Bunny”

“Really? Could I?”

Your Aunty Leah’s smile was a big and bright as you’d ever seen it.  “They’re moving around now.  Do you want to try and feel?”

You nodded excitedly.  You had always wanted a baby brother or sister.  Your Mummy and Daddy had told you once that there was one on the way, but then a while later when they’d gone to the hospital, they came home really sad and said that baby brother was born sleeping. 

You had only just turned 4 when that happened, and you didn’t understand why they didn’t just wake him up.  But Daddy explained that that is what people sometimes say when the baby isn’t born alive.

Mummy had been sad for what seemed like years after that.  She spent a lot of time in bed, and she cried more than you’d ever seen her cry before in your life.  You’d tried to cheer her up by drawing her pictures and singing her songs and giving her your biggest, bestest cuddles.  But Daddy said the only thing that would make Mummy better was time. 

He was right.  She had slowly returned to her normal self.  You were very grateful, because you had missed the little things like the silly songs she would sing when she would wash your hair, and the smiley faces she would make out of blueberries in your pancakes.

As your Aunty Leah gently cradled your hand and brought it up to her swollen tummy, you felt a small whooshing movement under your little hand.

“Did you feel that?”

You nodded quickly, your gaze meeting your Aunty Leah’s as she smiled tenderly at you.  You couldn’t believe you could feel the baby moving in her tummy.  It all started to feel very real.

“They’re moving around quite a bit tonight.  I think they’re quite excited to have you here with us, Bun.”

“Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?” you asked.

“No, we decided to wait until the baby is born to find out and let it be a surprise.  We really don’t mind what their gender is, we’re just excited for them to be here and to meet them.  Oh, there they go again, did you feel that kick?”

You nodded again, pulling your hand away from your Aunty Leah’s tummy as a sinking feeling began settling in your own.