thinking about Sun from Sams.. and how he slowly grew to HATE looking ever so slightly femenine.. 0r the idea he is looking wrong.. not.. man enough.. deep deep down he loved the idea of having no gender, and there are nights he comes back to old memories of him dressing up for the kids, weaking cheap dress and long bows to play his characters, visualize a tale, make a crying kid smile.. when life was so easy these human terms mean nothing to him... when he open his eyes he is bitter.. full of hatred..no, sadness.. because deep down he wish he could feel pretty.. and have no fear of mocking or fingers pointed at him.. calling him not man enough.. how deep down he still resents the damage all these jokes do to him.. he is frustrated that he felt affected by this- by mere words!.. but is the constant remark of his sexuality.. he grows bitter, over thinking every clothe choice.. and he leaves his old pants on.. his.. bare, clown like looks.. because is how everyone will see him, no need to put on anything.. he will always be the clown. and maybe deep down he is so cruel, mean, and uncaring to every woman he meets because he doesn't feel worthy enough.. and maybe the fear of someone getting closer, too close enough to see his weakness... is terrifying.. being Gay is ok by him.. but he is been mocked so much by that word he grew hatefull and resenfull..
it hurts.. he wish he could just dress up.. have the bravery to not care!.. but it hurts..
I wonder if Sun would grow mean and cruel to an actual gay Sun, not for his sexuality, but his bravery to be himself..
Beautiful Sun angst
