꒰ ♰ ⛪︎⊹ Cain/Sho

Religion’s Effects

I don’t interpret the root of his prejudice as being overtly political (according to a pinned discord message, Cain doesn’t seem to be a “political guy,” but that's a whole other can of worms). I think he’s just diabolically ignorant on things that don’t directly affect him, like lots of cis white dudes out there. He was raised in a Catholic household with strict gender roles, and I’m guessing the extent to which he understands queerness is Leviticus 18:22 “Man shall not lie with man as with woman, for this is an abomination to the Lord your God,” [my own abridged quotation of the passage]. Honestly I’m not even sure if he knows how to feel about lesbians if he takes that passage to heart, word for word. But it’s also not far-fetched to assume his church also held sermons about the “act” of homosexuality in general, man or woman "committing" it.

On the topic of trans people though, I don’t know if he knows they exist. There is a passage, Deuteronomy 22:5, talking about “cross-dressing” I suppose? Again, described as “...an abomination to the Lord your God.” But I think that’s something that would be more preached in the modern day with the current climate as opposed to in 2009. However, we shouldn’t forget Cain does seem to be very active on the internet 😭 so I don’t think it’s impossible for him to have stumbled upon the concept. I don’t wanna reduce him down to just being some devout, pious church-boy since he clearly breaks plenty of those stereotypes and rules, and doesn’t think very highly of the church either. 

To be completely honest I don’t think Cain would be welcome in most Catholic spaces. His faith is a little… unique, to put it lightly, and doesn’t seem to strictly adhere to only Catholic ideas (though anyone who is more knowledgeable on Catholicism, please do share your thoughts I would love to hear). I’ve sort of been describing Cain as “homebrew Catholic” since that seems to be the best description I can come up with. On the lower end of the rule-breaking spectrum, it’s generally frowned upon to swear even if you aren’t “taking the Lord’s name in vain” and many Christians find it undignified or sinful to cuss (my grandma did not like it when I swore in any context and she was Protestant, which I associate with being a little looser with things than Catholics, but maybe I’m spreading misinformation). And he also believes in the supernatural and conspiracy theories… which most Christians I’ve interacted with or seen think is “pagan, devil-worshipping nonsense.” But hey there’s Wendigoon. (Off topic side-tangent but I think it’s possible Cain could enjoy Wendigoon when he discovers him in the early 2020’s)

A little bit more on religion before we get to everything else, but I do think this is an important anecdote. I notice the kinds of Bible passages and lessons that get the most attention are ones that assert control, establish power dynamics, and emphasize “do not’s” as opposed to ones that ask for tolerance and love. Many congregations that hold prejudiced ideals focus heavily on these parts of the Bible. Things about wives and children being obedient to husbands and fathers are also harped on endlessly, and my impression is that that’s the sort of church Cain’s family was part of. So I imagine that is most of Cain’s Biblical lexicon even if he’s read it himself cover to cover. What you hear over and over, especially in childhood, deeply impacts you and sticks in your brain. Worming its way into your subconscious. Anyway!

The Juicy Non-Binary Stuff

When it comes to non-binary people though, I’m not even sure if Cain knows what that is, but you never know with wherever the hell he is on the world wide web in 2009. We know he’s on in-universe Twitter, Reddit, I think 4chan, and some other interesting places. I don’t doubt he’s seen some people gay-posting at the very least. I was born like twenty years after he was, so I’m sure my age had something to do with this, but I didn’t even know non-binary was a thing until like 2018 while living in an incredibly liberal pro-gay, pro-trans area. But this isn’t my coming out story, and I was also only ever on YouTube, so.

The concept of non-binary would definitely confuse him, and things that confuse Christian white guys often upset them. But Cain is also described as someone with a desire for knowledge and understanding, which I think is his biggest strength in unlearning the things he was taught that hurt himself and other people. But a barrier between Cain and non-binary MC would absolutely be Cain’s initial frustration and lack of understanding of the concept, especially since his idea of gender is anatomical and physical, as opposed to abstract and societal. He wouldn’t want to be wrong, especially about something so seemingly straightforward and elementary. But he can’t just avoid MC entirely (girl, the plot) since they’re on the message board, and he feels this… odd, unfamiliar sensation: Having someone who’s easy to talk to, no matter how annoying and frustrating they are sometimes. 

And so I’m guessing it would go over… interestingly. I don’t know if he would outright maliciously misgender MC, but since he would begin in a very bioessentialist place it wouldn’t be a smooth ride. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he would try to decide whether MC looks more like a girl or a boy and decide what pronouns to use from there. But I imagine it's more from a place of ignorance than understanding the gravity of that assumption and misidentification. Which is still some straight bullshit behavior from him but I am unfortunately attached and he's not real anyway. So it’s okay. We’ll work on it together ♡

Ironically, though, I think it could be easier for Cain to accept and process non-binary identities than to understand binary transness and homosexuality. Even though it's a much more abstract concept, there are likely fewer preconceived notions placed in his head about being non-binary by his family and his old church. There’s not really anything in the Bible specifically about non-binary people at all. So there isn’t exactly information outright condemning or dismissing that identity, other than its general lack of mention in reference to humans, and the Adam and Eve story. There is also this passage, Galatians 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus,” which could possibly help him understand. You might have to quote a lot of Bible passages at him 😭

I think you could be able to get him to understand using Public Universal Friend (American Preacher with Quaker Parents), but then he might start thinking some very strange things about you. He may also interpret MC’s identity as more spiritual than it necessarily might be, but I do think the leap into understanding might be smaller for him. I think he’d verbally adjust pretty quickly, but internally there would still be some issues going on for a while. But once you both get to a steadier platonic place together he might thaw out a bit, though his conditioning wouldn’t just magically vanish. He might even ask normal questions about it from time to time.

But then there’s Attraction Thrown into the Mix

I think here is where he would experience some (LOTS of) regression. Even if he’s largely reconciled the idea of non-binary, it’s been through a framework of “I’m doing my thing, you’re doing yours, (you sinful bastard /hj)” Not thinking MC’s business would affect him until now. Whoops!

Here is also where it could probably get really gritty with agabs, internalized homophobia, transphobia, and lots of uncomfortable subjects surrounding relationship dynamics and expectations. I think he may desperately try to convince himself being a cis guy with a non-binary person could be straight, but he also knows deep down the church would not really see it that way. And he might have some transphobic slips and “I wish you were a girl” moments regardless of MC’s agab. 

I think he might struggle in at least four ways, mixing and matching depending on MC’s identity as a whole:

An amab MC - he would end up invalidating them by reducing them to their agab and labelling the relationship as homosexual regardless if MC’s gender was fem aligned.

A masc or andro presenting n-b MC - feeling attraction to masculinity or just “non-femininity” would cause him inner homosexual turmoil. 

An afab MC - he would probably be bitter about the fact they transitioned, again reducing them to their agab, and would then project his transphobia onto them in that way.

A fem presenting n-b MC - there would be frustration about MC not being “a real girl,” and he would struggle with that. 

So he would not be having a good time, and in turn would absolutely make it everybody’s problem by starting fights or acting moody constantly. He’d be in his head about “who’s supposed to wear the pants,” and then also try to completely shut down any and all “sinful feelings” about MC. The waters are incredibly murky here, but I also don’t think Cain would entirely throw out MC’s non-binary identity while he’s struggling. He would still hold rooted bioessentialist ideas, but now they’re also mixed in with the understanding that MC doesn’t identify as a man or a woman. It would probably be a horribly confusing and distressing time for him, but also for MC because of the way he would project all of that onto them. 

And I also don’t think Cain initially wants to be experiencing any kind of attraction to anyone at all at the beginning of the game. Figuring out you like somebody, especially when you’re an incredibly repressed person can feel intrusive and violating, but it can also be mixed with this deep seated craving for someone to know you, love you, and give you some sort of anchor. So finding out he feels this way would be hard, and he also wouldn’t be able to help thinking it would be so much easier if MC were “just a girl.” And Cain doesn’t seem to know how to love someone in a healthy, non-obsessive and all consuming way so he would be tearing himself apart the whole time. I think he feels as if everyone around him can see how wrong and sinful he thinks he is and at the same time can’t help himself, craving things everyone he grew up around told him is condemnable. Like being told that taking a breath would be selfish. I don’t know if Cain would be able to resolve all of these feelings by himself, and he likely wouldn’t be directly expressing these emotions to MC (or confiding in anyone HELLO 😭). 

His attraction would fester, he would start acting rashly and probably become very push-and-pull with MC. One moment feeling completely unable to exist away from their vicinity and the next feeling sick to his stomach for being so weak. It’s a trial, or some kind of test. And he is failing miserably. I’m not sure how like… “crazy???” he would get? I don’t want to flanderize him as this obsessive evil yandere stereotype before we’ve seen cannon material about his behavior. But he would absolutely be a creepy little freak. I don’t think it's above him to “borrow” small things that won’t be missed, stare, actually internet stalk, maybe subtly brush against them from time to time, but I’m not certain how much further he would go yet. I think he would also attempt to reconcile the desire by trying to force things into Catholic Approved boxes, even if the “basis” of the hypothetical isn’t the traditional “man and wife.” He might have intrusive fantasies about marriage that dissolve into thinking about his parents' unhealthy dynamic. He’s not a subtle guy, and as long as he feels like nobody will notice, he will indulge in his “reprehensible” fantasies. The behavior almost feels like an addict itching for a fix, but desperately trying to hide it from their loved ones. He can lose himself in his sin in the privacy of hidden places and ask forgiveness from God later, but the moment it feels too tangible or he has a witness his fragile excuses crumble.

Possible Culmination Routes

Cain Confessing

Any confession from him I think would only slip out in the heat of the moment, when he thinks he is about to lose MC. There’s the humiliation of laying yourself bare, but then there’s the fear of losing something warm you think you’ll never experience ever again. It could feel almost life or death to him (or maybe it perhaps is literally a life or death situation, you never know). And since he is so unable to separate love from obsession it might feel like something is being ripped from his body. It would be incredibly messy and emotional from all sides. I don’t even know if it would occur to him that MC might give him an answer in that moment. In a scenario where MC would accept, I think it would be so jarring to him that everything around him would just vanish. He’s been so in his own head, self absorbedly stewing about this for weeks that it genuinely snaps him out of it to hear something that isn't from his own brain. And as an emotionally repressed person, I can tell you having a huge outburst and then getting stopped in your tracks is almost always immediately followed by a blanket of exhaustion. This would probably be a huge breaking point for him, a moment where he has to outright confront his faith, his sexuality, and his values. 

And I think everything would fall away, at least for a few moments while the gears in his head are still trying to spin. He’d be too scrambled to put together all of these new thoughts and realizations and might just thoughtlessly accept assurance from MC. Letting them help him slow down for a few moments. He would have to do lots of unpacking regarding religion, his family, accepting the fact he is a human and has feelings sometimes, so essentially he has to uproot his entire world to even begin getting to a place where he could actually be in a functional relationship with MC. It would still be far from perfect even after that though. There would be lots of contention, he would still need to resolve or at least work on internalized homophobia, externalized transphobia, his misogynistic tendencies, all of his prejudices 😭 not to mention the generalized unhealthy habits he would have in a romantic relationship. 

MC Confessing

I think this would be a quieter shutdown, but with everything simmering just beneath the surface. Cain would be taken aback, likely upset but not exactly sure at what or who. I’m viewing this scenario as a quiet moment where it's just the two of them somewhere, either checking a broadcast together or in one of their apartments. There’s likely been some sort of hurt tension brewing the last few weeks mixed in with romantically indulgent moments, and MC decides to just share their feelings plainly, in a way that's as low pressure as it could possibly be. Just trying to open a line of direct communication.

I lowkey think Cain might try to literally walk away 💀 or like, pretend he didn’t hear you 😭

(I have to admit I think this is my weakest subsection since I am not at all the kind of person to be forthcoming about my feelings. So I’m trying to put myself in Cain’s shoes here as opposed to MC’s.)

If the above strategies don’t work (or he thinks better of them 💀) I think he would move to his faith; “It’s sinful,” “I’m not homosexual,” “It wouldn’t be a valid marriage,” then trying to discourage the idea bringing up the fleeting nature of human connection. “Everything ends,” “It’s just ephemeral, it's not productive to feel like that,” and he could probably go on and on and on since that’s how he’s been talking to himself for weeks. All of his reasons involve anything but his actual wants. You would both wind up in circles until the discussion stops being a discussion reaches a boiling point. And here I think Cain would retreat into himself and walk away.

There would be absolute radio silence on the forum, on his cell number, but ignoring MC would be eating him alive. Being holed up in his apartment wouldn’t feel the same as before after having a taste of what companionship felt like. I don’t think it would be a quiet numbness, it would be a loud, screeching hollow feeling he can’t expel from his chest. And he would eventually break. I’m not sure how he would eventually come crawling back. I could see him doing anything from sending a cryptic message over the forum PMs to just straight up banging on your door demanding to be let in. He knows it’s wrong, he feels like he's committing an act of sin by crumbling in the face of temptation. But he goes back to them despite himself. 

I’m not exactly sure how the proceeding conversation would go… it could be a tense, hurt and angry confrontation. Or he might break down and try asking MC for forgiveness. The only thing I’m relatively confident about is that it would be a really heavy and volatile interaction.

Evil Third Option: Unlabeled Situationship

Cain would still be having all of these sour feelings about his unwanted attraction. But in this situation we have an MC that kinda pokes and prods Cain’s boundaries while refusing to confess first. And Cain finds that he likes the way the back and forth feels a little too much. He knows he shouldn’t be indulging in these fleeting, sinful interactions. One moment they’re arguing, Cain says something intentionally hurtful, and then feels guilty but refuses to apologize since he thinks pushing them away is for the greater good. But he always crawls back, and so does MC.

Certain specifics of the tension would greatly depend on how much MC gives Cain a taste of his own medicine. If MC is less confrontational, I could see the whole relationship simmering with resentment, quiet, unresolved hurt, on and off silent treatments. Lots of wordless apologies from Cain for throwing things in MC’s face. But if MC is a bit more intense, I could maybe see at least one argument dissolving into a homoerotic fist fight. But every single time both parties can’t seem to just quit with each other. Altercations are brushed off when other people ask about it, and they’re barely even mentioned when it's just the two of them.

I’m not sure how “involved” Cain would allow himself to be with MC in this scenario. I think it depends almost entirely on how forward MC is with what they want from Cain. But generally I think the most “romantic” thing you would be getting out of him is fleeting physical touches in private and tense cafe visits. I’m sure Cain would be trying to find plenty of excuses to be around MC though, maybe inviting them to certain “haunted” locations at night, asking them to give their input on a broadcast he caught, trying to get some one on one moments. And then he’d feel gross about himself and retreat.

I think that this dynamic would culminate in an argument, which could be sparked by anything. But a fun idea could be that one party tries to kiss the other in the heat of the moment, and it explodes from there. Kind of a combination between the above two subsections, but this is definitely a much broader dynamic that really depends on MC’s behavior.

Cain Figuring Out How to be Regular 

So… Cain is eventually convinced to enter a relationship, let alone a non-heterosexual one. He would still be horrible at making sense of his feelings. Worst person on the planet.

Again, the fact that MC isn’t a woman absolutely does not prevent him from projecting misogynistic ideas onto MC in a committed relationship (he will find a way). Cain is a very insecure person who I imagine is distrustful and not able to let people in. Appearing weak is just something that’s “not allowed” in his mind. Since he definitely views women as weak, I think a consequence of that would be him trying really hard to be the “man one” in the relationship. He would have a hard time opening up, receiving care and comfort, and it would be like pulling teeth to get him to ask for help. He feels as though it would lose him respect if he were to let MC take a more leading role in their relationship, and that’s something he will need to deconstruct and work on. 

Affection and touch would also be incredibly challenging for him. Because the thing is that he doesn’t hate touch, he seems to deeply crave that sort of connection but he feels ashamed and also fearful of it (Mari tumblr post… about MC who falls asleep on their partner… u should go read it). I think he’s embarrassed of asking, and has anxieties about putting himself in the vulnerable position of possible rejection. So if he just pretends he doesn’t need it the feeling will totally go away…

But even though he does seem to want touch, badly, if you’ve been starved for it for years and years it can be kind of overwhelming and upsetting to be touched. In my own experience, my nerves also just got incredibly sensitive to being touched by another person, so it's much easier to be startled, have a “bad looking” reaction to being touched, or just get more overwhelmed with it. I’ve nearly jumped out of my skin when people tap me on the shoulder, I’ve almost hit my friend when they’ve accidentally brushed my side, etc etc. It’s a really weird way to experience the world. And I don’t think Cain has the words to really describe this contradictory feeling, where, yes you want to be touched but it's also a little uncomfortable. So it would be a very slow journey toward acclimating him and reassuring that those two feelings can be true at once.