You'll Never Know

Wow, how accurate was I? I debated thinking anything would actually happen in June. But everything’s turned upside down now.  I was right all along, he had formed relationships both both of us at the same time. He said no to dating to her, and me, I never asked. But we were close. We’re still something. And then just a night ago I decided to finally ask her directly what kind of relationship she had with him. She told me it was the same as mine. We were so hurt. Torn. Broken-hearted. We vowed to call him out on social media if he didn’t talk to us soon enough. He talked to us. We all spilled every piece of knowledge that we had, there are no secrets anymore. He didn’t mean to hurt us, but he did. He just wanted to talk to friends and somehow along the way it got sexual.  But he’s talked to her longer. He knows more about her. He cares more about her, I;m sure, too. I don’t know if he really knows how much I loved him but I decided not to bring it up because I know by now it’s futile. He mentally and physically cannot be in an actual committed relationship right now, anyway. Heh, if only he had told me that at any point in time before now. Although that wouldn’t stop me from loving you. And I still love you. I accepted your apology and I’m moving forward to this weird new relationship where we talk about how shitty you and her are together because she’s mentally unstable and so are you, but you con’t let go of her because you care too much. I’ve become her ally as well, so he doesn’t have to hold the burden alone, but I don’t think you want to trust me because you think I might steal him away from you. I might. But not until years in the future when he gets his life straightened out and is able to do anything about his feelings. I’m not going to push myself on him, and neither should you. You need to let that dream of yours go. Can’t we all just be close friends? Together? That’s my new desire. I just want to be there for both of you because I care. And if in a few years you two do end up together, then, well... good for you. You two deserve happiness. In the meantime I’ll still be close with him. Never crossing that line I so dearly wanted to cross, but close to it, maybe. And I’ll start looking for guys that actually live near me. I might date a few. See if I can find someone I like if you and I fade away. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I’m holding onto the heart that’s reserved for you, but I’ll become the first female Doctor Who and I’ll have another heart that’s looking for someone else. It’s so hard to let go of something you carefully cultivated over so many years, I can’t just throw it away. So I’ll just wait and see what happens.