SILENT HILLZ

My insides hurt, my passions feel defeated

My heart is broken and my hands feel numb. As does my face, my senses feel lost and my body feels heavy. I can’t lose you to me, my most tragic loss would be you. You are a shield from the world, something I go back to even when it hurts. I can’t get over it, I’m so sick . I’m having to get over people.

My heart is broken.

Do I burn? Do I make you ache?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt.

The dissection of my insides, open me up and find the rotten and brittle heart of mine. See how the blood drips and puddles onto the floor, take my heart and poke and jab at it.

But I needed too.

So. so. so. badly.

I needed to cry, when you left.

I needed to cry when I fell and scraped my knees. They didn’t hurt , but no one came to help.

I needed to cry everyday, when I laid in my bed and the silence made me ache.

I needed to cry then.

To mourn my day, to let myself feel all the horrible emotions in one moment instead of suffering in its stillness in it’s entirety .

It’s icky, suffocating entirety.

I should’ve forced myself. I needed it more than anything, needed to let myself take a big huff and fall apart so I could look at the pieces and examine how damaged I was. Clean them, polish. Fixing.

I am nostalgic, I am fearful of what to come and yet I am eager to see what the future holds for me. I’m jumping on my feet? No, I am on the edge of my seat. Because I’m not just ready to move into the next scene yet, I’m still waiting on the climax of this one. For the high I might achieve of the low I feel once again, it’s overwhelming. Inviting yet threatening.

I found myself Turing to the sky, hoping maybe; the stars would make me theirs today. This, that’s what I needed. A sudden release, you were gone. I walked to the edge of the dock, my body shivering. My hands shaking in the small pockets of my jacket. Nothing to save me, the water nearing close. I wanted to let myself fall, I wanted to fall and let the water take me in. Embrace its freezing temperatures and feel what I’d imagine death would be. Cold, loving, the last thing I’d see.

The oceans wave kept me at this pacing ease, my heart still hurting. So,so badly. But you were still gone, I had no one. I let myself become very aware of that fact; I have no one. I walked back and forth, letting my words flow freely through my lips. I spoke as if I were telling some sad foe my tale. I was, the water, my biggest enemy . The ocean is soemthing I admire with the greatest fear. And in the moment? All I could think of was you. And how you weren’t there to save me from it. I’m an idiot.

I whispered this, thinking any moment you would see my wallowing in my own self pity, I’m my own pain. I embrace it each time. I find the coldest comfort in its arms, the air was gently breezing and yet it sent chills up my spine. And you still weren’t here, I tried to cry. My eyes watered, I need this. Please, I- this. I need to cry, just this once let me. I near pleaded to myself, I pleaded to have a relief from this pain numbing torture I created for myself, something I found only you could truly ease. You’re gone.

I reminded myself one last time, I step closer to the edge of the dock, the water swaying. My legs shaking. Hands in small, near useless pockets. Eyes watered, I look up at empty sky. Luna, where are you when I need you?

Ah Fatal love, it gives me away each time.

I’d reach out, because something reminded me of you and I just couldn’t get it out my head.

I nearly grab it, you’d like it.

I pinch myself, reminding that it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t need you. I just felt like I did.

Shoved, locked..

Pushed away, I lock myself into my walls and shut the door. This fortress I’ve built for myself, no one can take it down. Armies upon armies, no one can defeat what I have created. Creation is what I am best at.

Reality never truly hits me, it stands in front of me holding a sign. A blurred image, barely able to make it out. Wake up