Figure it Out

Artist: Bihiku Tutt'

I find myself for months watching my world swirl around in mid air and I can do is keep working hard. I am surprised and proud of myself for the dedication and strength that I have seen myself pull out because of how long I lived in my own restraints. Constantly caring about what would make my dad happy, or what people thought of my on dates or what my employees thought about me as a manager. I don’t care anymore because I am more aware of myself than I ever have been and I know I will never stop evolving and learning. I have such a great support system that I made sure to swallow my pride with in order to ask/accept help. That made me want to become a support system for those also trying to evolve and heal, because it is possible. With attention and care for oneself, growing can speed up.

Artist: Masha Shishova

It took three years to find myself in my living room sitting here alone with a glass of wine in my own energy. To realize being alone is an experience necessary for refection within ones own energy. All of the self help books could temporarily remind me of the facts and knowledge of how to evolve, but it really boils down to putting into practice. Living by example. Rewiring the way you see that world and how you process it. Taking responsibility for my actions. For me feelings For my words. I want rewire my brain to only be compassionate while still standing my grounds with my boundaries. If i don’t take my own boundaries seriously, no one else will.

I want to converse. Exchange. Learn. Discuss. Collaboration. Create. Love. And some how survive and pay rent and things that this world only provide through exchange of money. Money. A dark beautiful blessing and curse. Just like love. It can hurt if not handled with care.

Art: Anne Marie Silberman | Larme d'or 

Where do I begin? Right now. I start here.

Constantly taking notes of the seconds that have passed and the seconds happening; through built, conditioned filters I’ve created over time. Elements in that formula contradict the seconds that I want to experience from my higher self. I want to learn how to work with those elements, so that I can understand the views outside of my own. So I can understand all of the views that exist.

Andrea Casciu - Vedo a colori 2017, Street Art nel porto di Civitanova Marche

Barely held onto my patience. Realizing how spoiled I’ve been with moving and replacing and controlling. Then catching my breath above the water that belongs to the ocean of experience. Giving people advice and forgetting it exists when it’s my turn to take it.

It’s always nice when the universe fish hooks you for that breath.

jump starting the heart and these tired veins. these veins have been working really hard in the resistance of the much needed change that would be delivered with or without the correct address.

more air in my lungs. realizing that waking up isn’t so bad and tastes better every morning.

turning the pages can be painful if you don’t watch for the edges.

trust the timing and you’ll start to see proof the trust was worthy.

as a single and logical, self loving woman, i preach and fully believe that relationships are an event of the soul and that you are only a victim if you keep your mind out of making decisions.

when i am in a relationship with a man, my heart speaks above my minds volume. logic is left to them and for me to follow. im more vulnerable, jealous, self conscious and weak,  i cant seem to trust them based on science and my idea of commitment. im less likely to say what im thinking out of the fear that im overracting, overemotional or because i know they will have no response. they are either self conscious or uninterested when with me in public. and when given too much attention, i loose interest and can quickly fall in love again. there also seems to be the fear of abandonment where i feel more pressured with time to get their attention because of the belief that their tension span for a partner is a small window. in constant battle to stop denying the information my mind has based on what it’s making up because its listening only to the hear versus only the facts. i throw everything i preach about real love out of the window. its not longer the idea of coexistence and mutual love. i dug deep and figured out why i feel this way which of course goes back at younger ages. but i was convinced i had done the internal work until another testing situation reminds me theres more work to do.

THE NEW YEAR

This year has brought me all the emotions I muted in 2014. I was able to use the communication skills I learned during 2014, in 2015 to find other sides of me socially and career based. I started listening to myself. I moved into a place by myself for the first time in my life and must say it was one of the best decisions I could have made at that time in my life. I learned how to love being alone in my own presence. I learned how to love because I was able to begin loving myself. I began breaking through my comfort zone and can only see good things from doing so.

My main goals for 2016 would be to maintain a work/play balance, to financially become responsible. I want to be a reliable and loving partner, friend, sister, cousin, aunt, stranger, and daughter. I want to be able to pay rent doing what I love doing which is coffee and videography. I want to learn to save money for traveling because that is something I lacked this year (2015). I want to make sure nature is a big part of the new year because it balances me. I only hope and imagine that I will continue to grow within myself and with others around me. I only hope and imagine that I continue surrounding myself with the people that genuinely care about me and are the members of the same tribe. I want to explore what else I might be good at or could learn to do. I want to continue letting myself be challenged by the changes I don’t fight. I want to help breathe life into the projects and causes that are bringing us together as a species. I want to push myself to look into the eyes of the people I encounter, for “we are not ants”. I want to continue hearing my ego’s voice as an annoying roommate I love. I want and need to continue putting love into everything I ever do.

Art: Adam Martinakis

Art: Banksy Show Preview Bristol 2009

As humans, we, many times, stop and ask ourselves who we are and checking to see if there’s anything we’re missing from our lives or self. If something feels like it’s missing, some of us push towards finding out what that might be. Some of us give up pushing when we don’t find out and some of us don’t give up. I stop today and ask what makes me happy and which of those things sometimes make me happy. And if the things that sometimes make me happy, make me happy enough to ignore the discomfort that can be mistaken as unhappiness. I ask myself all the details involved with questions surrounding the elements that I feel I need to have another look at, in order to reach my full capacity of joy.

Mental discomfort comes from doubt based on the filters createed from the history on a individuals experience. Just because many things I’m use to are being challenged, does not necessarily mean that the timing or situation is wrong, irrelevant, or a mistake. The universe obviously has a plan because of what I’ve learned stepping outside of this filter I’ve subconsciously created.

I hold myself today and realize, it’s the things I believe are needed that are holding me back from seeing what I already have. But does this mean, I’m surrendering to something I can actually change? Am I settling when I can have other options that might provide more fruit? Or is settling now, plant the seed for even more joy after adapting for better? At the end of the day, death, love, time, and existence are constant tools moving my perception around. It is up to me to organize the information and keep myself first when healing.

Art: Gediminas via The Art of Animation

We stand where we want, which isn’t always what we need. There can be the illusion of finding reasoning in why what we want might be something we COULD need. What are needs?

“A need is a thing that is necessary for an organism to live a healthy life. Needs are distinguished from wants in that, in the case of a need, a deficiency causes a clear adverse outcome: a dysfunction or death.Needs can be objective and physical, such as the need for food, or subjective and psychological, such as the need for self-esteem.There are also needs of a social or societal nature.Needs and wants are a matter of interest in, and form a common substrate for, the fields of philosophy, biology, psychology, social science and politics.”                    

So logically speaking, needs are only the things literally keep our heart beating and our minds working.

Artist: Don Kenn

I’m starting to understand, that it’s not loneliness. It’s bordem tided into the human nature of wanting and enjoying interacting and connecting. How to fix bordem?

Sandra. Connect. Do something. Do many things. Do all of it. Decide what air you breathe. No matter what you see, hear, taste, or feel with what’s around you or what’s put in front of you, remember to train yourself to breathe on auto-pilot at the moment of the trigger between processing and reacting. To breathe the air that’s subtracted from anything that holds you back from knowing yourself, like heart-break, death, anything that shifts our heart rates away from hope.

You are the pendulum, you decide to sway or not to sway. Know that your natural state without stress, is in the center. Home.

Once you can discern what the differences are with what’s real v.s. possible, fake, or fantasy, you become a shape shifter. In this case, able to adapt and use the ammunition in your own soul to put yourself first with your own army to fight off the unnecessary. Be genuine. Be understanding. Be honest. Be communicative. Be love. Putting yourself first and providing your own needs will then allow you to properly provide for others.

The oppression, anxiety, anger, resentment, regret all come from fear. What is there really to fear other than discomfort? What’s wrong with discomfort, if it ends up being the seed that enhances into comfort as a result? Is it irrelevant because risk is fear of failure. To connect any action with a theory of a negative reaction, you’ve already began to fail.

Art credit: Typographische Monatsblätter 1978 Issue 2 Cover Design: Gregory Vines Typeface: Akzidenz Grotesk 

As I hear the wind, rain, and thunder outside rustling through the trees and falling on my windows and roof, I see a reflection of something that is occurring within myself. It’s intense and then calms down and then gets dark again and then lightens up.

I have the right to ask questions as a human with a heart and brain, and have always believed it’s a healthy thing to do so. It is always a test on my soul in how I react to the answers that matters the most in the place of healing and spiritual growth. Ever since I broke through my parents condom, I’ve analyzed all of existence. Why, how, where, when, what all exists. I stand here as an adult asking myself if this is a pattern meant to be broken, or if this is who I am and something I should embrace. Why is this such a powerful force I’ve always had and does it have some sort of purpose in a bigger picture that is useful for the world.

Oscar Schlemmer Bauhaus ballet costumes

I stand here again with the choice to run in fear of something haunting me. or to walk and pay attention to the smells and temperature changes in the air while I’m dodging ghosts.

I find myself in the place of the other when i was the now other. It is bittersweet to know how sharp both edges of the sword are. I catch myself rewinding my memory to a time I left some pieces behind. I must maintain the air in my tires, and the battery life per trip. How is this feeling (one that ive felt many times before) going to be different from the others? It’s easy to just feel. But it takes thinking to process them. To control them before they control you.

Art: The Dove Sent Forth From The Ark - Gustave Dore                    

The beat that we all nod to is the same beat. We all hear, feel, and see the beat differently tho. There is a type of lava that runs in each of our veins. Different things that drive us and move us. The battles subconsciously shine brighter lights on things that please us. Survival comes in many forms and it’s important to survive in every way.

Art: Ayad Alkadhi - "I am Bagdad XI"

I took a minute off blogging straight onto the computer. I started writing before bed or before a nap and ended up doing it for a hot minute. I will be posting things I write/have written. :)

04/06/15 Entry

Art: Francis Bacon's Portrait of John Edwards, 1988, is on display at Pace London

synchrodestiny. letting the universe take control of the things you can’t, and seeing coincidences add up which work as reminders that you’re on the right track. what paints the picture? is the picture painted already? does it paint itself and we just choose the colors?