❦

“i wasn’t made for the hustle and bustle of tokyo, i just wasn’t. whether that makes me weak or naïve, i don’t really know or care at this point. i left before it sucked my soul dry, stole my sanity and then looked for something else to steal from me.”

he’s not sure why, but he’s suddenly reminded of you, someone who he’s always classified as unimportant.

“i left my heart in tokyo, i left it with you. for years, i’ve buried my love for you and for many reasons.”

hajime is already putting back on his shoes, grabbing the keys he’s just hanged up, and slamming the door shut after him before he even finishes the rest of this unpleasant letter. a letter he knows who left for him.

you probably already knew though. you were quite perceptive like that.

red lights are passed through as he races to your house. as soon as he read that line, he knew it was you. you were always the one handing him your heart and your world since your youth after all.

after all, you wouldn’t be so successful if you were like any dummy off the streets.

“why the hell is no one opening up” he bangs repeatedly at your door, a dreadful feeling eating him up.

“are you here for y/n? they left for the airport not long ago!” the next door neighbor says in a cheery voice, cheering for something hajime dreads with all his guts.

hajime’s face turns pale at the statement. he scrambles back to his car and drives off like he’s racing against time.

the memories i have of you, i will cherish so deep in my heart, they are my sunshine.

ridiculous is the fact he’s getting so worked up with your leave. weren’t you just another person on his life? he’s sure he never even cared much about you, you were just always around him, but he couldn’t care less about you.

badly parked car, sweaty and smelling clothes, messy hair and appearance, all the unruly things he’s never allowed himself to show, all the rules he’s set for himself all lost their place. he has no time to worry for himself, his only concern is reaching you before you reach the plane.

there’s so much more i want to say but i don’t want to steal your precious time. it’s worth a lot more than mine and i don’t think i deserve any more of it anyways.

hajime was sure that after the incident, he’s got nothing else to lose, nothing else to love, and nothing more to damage his already wounded heart. but as he’s running around the entire airport, he’s likely losing everything. losing himself in the crowdy place, losing time, losing hope, and losing you.

i’ve been selfish enough stealing you away from the world with this letter.

strangely enough, for someone who thinks he’s got his heart locked up deep inside, safe and protected from someone ever snatching it from him and inflicting more harm than what it already received, hajime feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest right in this moment.

desperation starts creeping up on him, coming from nowhere and slowly swallowing him into an endless void. it’s impossible to find you somewhere this big and crowded.

he’s starting to lose hope. there’s no point anymore, you probably already left even. tears are blurring his vision, he couldn’t see anything clearly, but a familiar figure on the edge of his eyes makes him blink.

it’s got to be you, he thinks. said figure is walking out of the check-in facilities. solemn and free, walking away like a prey freeing themselves from the predator’s trap.

“Y/N!” a shout resonates through the whole place.

as expected, the figure turns around at his voice, it was really you after all. hajime believes he was already drained of tears, save from the act of crying, but just like many things today, his own beliefs prove him wrong, too.

tears are uncontrollably rolling down his cheeks, sniffles stealing his breath, as he looked back at you mirroring himself.

hajime longs for your presence next to him, longs to hear your voice, and longs for seeing your smile, but all of that is foul because when he’s had all of it handed to him on the daily, he’s taken them for granted.

now all that he’s seeing on the other side of the airport, is your crying figure. he sees you mouthing something he fails to catch due to the distance between you two.

the atmosphere is getting thick, hajime chokes on his own breath, unable to breathe properly. a weak “stay” is whispered in between heavy pants and gasps for oxygen.

a bittersweet smile masks your sad one as you shake your head disapprovingly. you are mouthing something back before you turn around and leave for the best.

hajime doesn’t expertise on reading lips but he’s sure as hell you said, “i love you.”

three heavy words he’s refused to ever be said to anyone. words he’s sure he never has to express to anyone again, but right now, he’s dying to say it back.

“I LOVE YOU TOO, Y/N!” he yells out ripping every bit of oxygen from his lungs.

just know that i will always love you, and i wish you all the happiness in the world, only the best for someone as beautiful as you.

you don’t dare look back, if you do, your already wavering resolve might shatter completely before you are running back to him again.

thank you for being my friend and gifting me priceless moments that i will never forget.

the moment you walk out of hajime’s field of view without so much as giving him one last glance, is when he knows it's too late to love you back. he realized how naïve and foolish, he have been all these years. you’ve always been around him, giving him your best, while he gave the bare minimum. you’ve handled him your heart with a smile while he refused to unlock his for you. he thought it was safer that way, but he was just foolish all along, because the one who owns the key to the lock was not himself but you.

you were the one holding onto the key to his locked off heart and opened it up long ago without him noticing. hajime swears that if he’s given one more chance, he oaths to love you back and better.

they say water rises by a level when it’s quarter-time past dusk when day meets night. your constant visit to the same sandy shores should be enough to prove that, yet the angel sitting on your right shoulder tells you: nothing’s certain, maybe today will be different, and it convinces you because angels are wiser…right? they know better. they know better, yet the devil at your left only snickers every time you tell yourself it’ll be different today.

today’s no different. water hits your feet full forcedly where it would never reach early in the day. the way waves meet your feet feels like it’s angry at something, at someone, at the world; and you’re there perchance. naturally, you’re the one it takes the anger out on by bringing up scattered garbage to rub and scratch at your ankles.

“would it have been different?”

nothing was different and never will be, get out of your head, the little red man whispers before the hopeful side of you had the chance to utter a word.

“was it cruel?”

“it was.”

seishu never asked for salvation, yet the one calling themselves his guardian angel saw the need to save. seishu never asked for a chance, but his guardian angel made room for one.

your job is to watch over your assigned one, make sure they don’t cut their time short before the date written with bloody ink on god’s little notebook. no angel can play god, still, you decided to fake god the day ocean of flames engulfed him because you simply couldn’t watch your little angel die.

you knew better than to ask for borrowed time, god never carries around loose change; the price you pay is never cheap.

“it was cruel, but also beautiful.” seishu’s voice was monotonous, dry, and raspy, the way a person sounds after losing their will to keep on.

it always pained you how far and between each of his smiles were, it tucked on your heartstrings watching the way your little boy grew more and more like a forgotten doll sitting in the corner of a blue room.

“do you regret your choice?” seishu’s soft-spoken words ring in your head like a mantra, louder than any heavenly bell that ever rang in your ears.

you were certain you could never regret giving him more time, seeing him grow, but the way your decision resulted in all the wrongs… makes you wonder if it was too cruel of you to have him suffer through all the hardships.

but you had never given him your reply to what was asked. words were tied to your tongue, never slipping off no matter how hard you tried to choke a voice out of your throat.

“i suppose it’s not an easy question, sorry.” there went his wry, sad-looking smile. “i don’t think it was worth the price you paid, though.”

“you are worth any price.”

to have your title withdrawn, to have a pair of wings ripped off, to be sanctioned from immortal life, to walk through hell and back, any price god named; you were more than willing to pay. yet no suffering of your part for your selfish choice was enough, therefore, seishu was made to suffer along.

all you wanted was for him to have more time. a chance at living a happy life. so, he ended up living the worse, because you took a gamble, forgetting that no one could ever beat god in a game of poker.

maybe it was much too cruel of you to selfishly try to rewrite fate. no, it was cruel. you have made his borrowed time a living hell, worse than death.

“thank you… for watching over me all this time… and I’m sorry for your suffering” seishu says so lowly that his voice would have disguised with the sounds of waves crashing on the shore if you were to be even a little less perceptive.

“it’s my duty as your guardian angel, seishu. please, don’t thank me…” you remember how your voice trembled and how seishu’s expression became unreadable by the second.

“i think it’s time,” seishu said.

“y-yeah… here,” you reached out your left hand, palms open facing up.

seishu tightened his grip on the pocketknife he held, grabbed your wrist in one hand, and swiped at your palms in a swift. he brought your bleeding palm close to his lips in a light kiss before any drop could stain the clear water under both of your feet.

“thank you, my guardian angel.” were his last words, engraved deep in your memories.

“farewell, seishu. may we meet again.”

you held him close in the last moments and before you knew it, he had long since vanished like foam on the surface of ocean waters.

you never let go and before you realized it, you walked through the same beach day after day, replaying the same memory like a broken record.

you betted in a high-stake game and lost; god never carries around loose change, so you paid every price.

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