justbusi

#b

this over fit pics, lowkey.

but every few days

tears for the mountains of mpumalanga and me

i forgot what i was looking for in my camera roll a couple of nights ago, but somewhere in the search i came across the pics and clips from my trip to mpumalanga back in january. i opened one of the videos where i was wandering through the mountains with this exact song playing, and for a moment it felt as though id been pulled back into that afternoon. it was so vivid i could almost feel the air again. before i even knew it, there were tears running down my face.

i dont usually rush to assign meaning to my tears, but this time i couldn’t shake it. i needed to know why i reacted that way, it was entirely out of the blue. surprisingly, the path to the answer was shorter than usual and only one word sat waiting for me at the end —peace.

in my contemplation of this, i remembered there is a very long list on my notes app titled Things I Want. i last edited it in april and the very first thing on that list is peace. and as i write this its dawning on me… perhaps my first response was to cry because for the past six months i have been without that very thing —peace.

i look at my life and i recognise that it has been full, beautifully so but i am my mother's daughter and there is always someone who needs something from me. more times than i’d like to admit, i don’t consider that by putting others before myself, i am not filling my own cup. watching that video reminded me of a version of myself that felt at peace and unhurried. i wasn't anticipating the next responsibility or carrying the weight of everyone i loved. my tears were a reminder that for the past six months i have been serving the people i love but i need to remember to serve me because i love me too.