shwetzblog

"Do you care?", she asked. "Yes, I do.", he replied, not even looking up from his phone.

Understand me or not. What should I do, fight with him and try to make him understand and fail in it or should I be quiet and hope that he will eventually understand? If I will nag him to make him understand my point, I will know one thing for sure that at least I tried to explain but he didn't get it. But if I stay quiet then an unnecessary fight will be avoided. In both the cases he will not understand me. What should I do,make an attempt to get my point through or just keep quiet and hope? The problem with both the situation is that its my loss at the end. It only hurts me and no one else. Its me whom he doesn't understand. Well I started with nag n stopped mid way n agreed with him. If I am getting hurt then it would be better that at least he is happy.

New year! Going through my Facebook , I read plenty of new year’s update. Many fancy pictures and happy status updates. Everyone happily bidding 2014 goodbye and welcoming 2015. Amid all these I realised people are relating new year with new beginning, a new chapter in their lives ready unveil. But, is new year actually new beginning or just a continuation ? Is new year a closure over the old one ? Or is it a closure on many chapters of our lives ? Along with new beginnings I read a lot about new year’s resolutions. Why do we wait till 31st December to make a resolution? Its just `hope’. A hope that coming year will be better than past year. That this year I’ll achieve something that I failed at last year. We all badly want a new beginning. We all badly want certain things to sort itself out. We want all messed to be cleared. We want a clean slate. On `New years' we allow ourselves to think that its a new chapter and its going to be better than last. We are happy about the lessons learnt and we are excited about what awaits.

Just when everything is right... With celebrations all around me I had forgotten what sadness is! I was busy celebrating everyday or rather every moment. I was all smiles. My happiness quotient was on its peak. But then you left and with you left my smile. You were the reason behind my smiles. You were the reason for my happiness. You made me feel alive. This festive season had a meaning because you were with me. I was celebrating as I felt each moment with you is worth the celebration but then you left

What people talk ? I walk around alone then I have no friends. I walk with a girl then I am full day gossiping. I walk with a guy then I am dating. I study hard. I am nerd. I don’t study. I have no goals. I work hard then I am bore. I party hard then I am jobless.I play sport then I am wasting my time. I draw then I am wasting my life. My career choice should be doctor or engineer , I should not think of becoming a chef or a dancer. My way of living should be what pleases others and not what makes me happy. If I love myself I am self-centered. If I make a choice for my happiness then I am selfish.‘What people talk ’ has become so annoying. Why should I bother myself with their opinion? It’s my life. Period.

Because this relationship will end one day And its a fact Today it may not end But someday it will My patience have long died My happiness is long back sacrificed My love for you is allowing you to be cruel with me My love is blinding me But this love will die Your actions will kill my love And that day I will free myself from you That day s not today

Safe place. Everybody has a safe place. A place where you feel secured, a place that keeps you away from all the trouble, someplace where you are comfortable, a place which you call of your own and most importantly a place where you hide in when life is too hard and difficult to deal with. I am hiding in my safe place and soon will be forced to face world outside it. Sometimes I really wonder why we need to go through the hell out there. Why life can't be without challenges? I don't want to have any goals to achieve. I don't want to face challenges. I don't want the ups and downs, I just want a smooth road. I don't want everyday to be struggle. I want life to be monotonous, I don't want unwanted obstacles to come and change things in my life. I want to be unambitious, plain and boring for once. I want to be free from worrying about my tomorrow. I just want to live in my safe place forever.

Relationships. I looked at time in my cellphone happily, I was going to reach home earlier than my usual time. I was famished and starving and all I could think of was attacking on food the moment I reach home but little did I know that there was a nasty surprise waiting for me at home. My home doors opened and I saw two people who did not belong to my house. The two people I had no intention of seeing. My hunger died, face got pale and my mouth dry. The awkward conversation started and soon it turned into heated argument and then blame game. At some point I felt that is this argument worth it? That does this argument have a meaningful outcome ? Later I felt the exact opposite. Was this relationship worth it ? Did this people matter ? I didn't feel anything towards them. This very people with whom I have shared plenty of my time, many joyful evenings, games of rummy, chatty breakfasts didn't suddenly have any meaning to me. Is the hurt given by them that severe or am I over reacting? Are they wrong or is it just me ? How can I not feel anything? The most weird thing was smile on my face after they left my house. I felt relived to have broken all my ties with them. I felt free. It felt like a huge log was removed from my shoulders. I don't know whose fault was it. But I most definitely did myself a favor by letting myself free from all this fuss. I had read somewhere that when black cloud leaves the day gets brighter. I guess my black clouds just left.

Confused ! My career was more clear to me when I was 15 and then life happened. I had decided that I want to be a lawyer at the age of 15 ( now I don't remember why I decided that). My preparations to be a lawyer had started. Initially it all looked very attainable and real but later not very much. Later I grew up, I was not 15 anymore. My choices had change. My likes had change. But the main problem was I got into law school and then realized it. I wanted to discover the artist in me, the painter in me , the writer in me or the entrepreneur in me but I was in law school already. Now I write on tumblr where people hardly know I exist. I paint for myself, with only a hope that, someday, eventually, I will be good enough to share my drawings with others and I share my business ideas with my dad ( mind you they are only ideas, no execution ). At the moment, I am simply running. Running round the clock. Going to law school, interning at law firm and searching for myself. The only reason I never left law school is because I didn't know what will I do next. I am unsure of my future. Don't know which way to go. Only thing that I know of is that I will not let my hopes die. I will act on my business ideas, someday sell my paintings and possibly write articles in some magazine or I can even write a novel, you never know. I am simply not going to be part of the rat race which is everywhere. For now I am just confused about how I will ever do it but I will do it.

The Final Goodbye. No matter how many times you have said bye a final good bye is needed. Its somehow mandatory to say that last bye. Goodbyes are not always good that’s why possibly airports have seen many tears and broken hearts. That final look, that quick goodbye kiss or rather one last eye contact that speaks a thousand things. We always need that final bye which makes us realize that this goodbye is finally happening. Its at that point of time it actually sinks in. When I saw the movie the fault in our stars, the entire time I knew the girl is going to die and somehow while watching it I was ready to say her final goodbye, I had set my mind that I will not cry when the girl dies but then suddenly things change and its the boy who dies. The girl was not ready to say him a goodbye and even I wasn’t and then tears trickled down my cheeks. I have no clue that why the final word or rather that final goodbye or a final look is so necessary but it simply is. Even at the end the girl does care to clarify that she was his girlfriend and not just a special friend. So is there anyone you wish you never have to say a final goodbye to ? I am sure there is.

Is it ever possible to be completely healed ? Pimples leave their ugly marks on our face, similarly some people leave their ugly marks on our heart. Is it possible to completely get rid of their marks ? Especially when the person who left an ugly mark was someone very dear to us. Some marks are deliberate some are not. Some mark we give ourselves, some marks others very happily gift us. Out of plenty of marks that we get, we desperately want to get rid of certain marks. Like that ugly pimple which comes on nose. I am lately really having trouble with certain marks on my heart or rather on my life. They give me feeling of helplessness. They annoy me, the more I try to delete them the more they become evident. I am just wondering if I will ever really be able to get rid of these dark marks. I really want to heal and get rid of the marks but somehow those marks have made me the person that I am today. Those marks very much define my existence, sadly.

Lesson not yet learned. When it comes to matters of heart I don't learn anything. No matter how much I think I will be more wiser now when it comes to love and relationships but doesn't happen, I fail. Every time I think I will follow certain rules, I will not allow a certain someone to take me for a toll but again I fail. I had read somewhere that life keeps throwing the same problems at you until you learn your lesson. I just don't happen to learn any lesson when it comes to my heart. I put myself out there and let the same things happen to me. My heart just don't seem to understand that it needs to be logical or rational in that matter. It just flips and change the whole thing. Lately I have done everything which I never thought I would do. My heart has made me reckless, illogical, irrational and most importantly it has made me hopeful. Hopeful for something which I know is not going to happen. My heart just don't seem to learn this lesson it likes getting hopeful and when the hope dies I have to deal with the heartbreak. Maybe , hopefully someday my heart will be wiser enough in the matters of love but till that someday I will have to keep dealing with all the antics it make me do.

Me ! There are thousands of people I can talk to and share my happiness, there are so many loved ones I can rely on but I chose you. I chose to lean on you only to realize that I made a mistake. I dialled your number to share my happiness with, only to realize that you don't care about it. The best blow that I got was when you spoke something that made me extremely sad in my moment of happiness and it made my victory look meaningless. Somehow while I write this I just feel it was my mistake to give you the power to affect me like this. Its my fault, I should have known that I am all alone. Now I just want some ' me' time. Away from you. Away from everyone. I just need to remind myself that ultimately whatever I do is going to define me and not your opinion of me.

Answered prayers. I am happy today because I have seen a ray of hope. A sweet nothing which has potential to turn the tables. I am surprised at the power of love. Love has given me strength, support and most importantly a reason. I am desperate today to chase my dreams. I have the willingness to change things. I have made a choice today. Love has the power to make things happen. Love has given me the strength to face my today and it has given me a reason for my tomorrow. Most importantly I think its my love for him that has made god answer my prayers. That has made god rethink. We will be lost souls without each other and I guess it even hurts the almighty to do us apart. I am thankful for this one more chance given to me. I am determined to make the most of it.

Home? Lately I am confused about what makes my home so special for me. I stay in home when I don’t have the strength or energy to go and face the world outside it. I take shelter at my home when I fear the world outside. Home is like my mother’s lap to me, it makes me feel comfortable. My home has witnessed it all, my anger, my love, my sorrow, my happiness and yes even my secrets. My home gives me my much needed privacy even when its house full. My home even tells me about all the neighbouring gossips and it even allows me a sneak peek on everyone’s else life. My home has given me a very loving brother and has seen all the mischiefs of us tom and jerry. It has seen my arguments with mom and dad and has also seen the group hugs of the family. But today I am in a situation where I have to move out of the house and somehow I am not sad about leaving the house, the only thing that I am upset about is going away from my family. My home always meant a lot to me but today, the only thing that makes me sad is about going away from my family and nothing else. I find it weird though for not feeling much about moving out of this place. I guess that’s why they say ’ home is where your heart is’. I can live anywhere but it is my family that I can’t live without and it gets even more weirder because its my brother I am gonna miss the most.

Today is going to be great! In my every day worry about tomorrow I simply forget to enjoy my today. In my worry of what will happen next I just don’t happen to cherish something that happened to me today. I have tonnes of problems in my life and I guess it just shows that I am alive. Sometimes I just don’t understand that what is it about tomorrow that I fear. When I happen to think about it I feel like I fear everything. I fear to lose my loved ones, I fear that things will go wrong but its the change I fear the most. A change that may possibly not be in my favor. A change that will ruin my today. A change that will take away my happiness. But then again my today is already affected due to my fears. My worries do not make my tomorrow better, it only worsens my today. So today I will not worry and just live. My today is going to be great.