Nevermind.

It wasn’t all consuming, unable to move, heartbeat in a frenzy type of stress, but he still felt a trepidation. His hands clammed over the reins, as the soldiers marched forward like one body. This time not to a battle, but in a much lighter direction.

Home.

He gulped down, as he once again glanced at the city of Chang’an and its gates slowly but surely becoming less and less blurred.

‘Stress’ wasn't a good word, he decided. It was more complicated than stress. He had to admit that he was excited to see his family after three years spent away in Minli Camp. He wondered how tall his younger brother grew, how his mother was faring - but most of all he both wanted and dreaded meeting his father. Last time they saw each other was when Zhou Heidun ordered, his thunderous voice echoing in the family's main room, for Zhou Tang Sui to let go of childish fantasies, pack his things and join the conscription heading to Minli.

He was a lanky, not very strong teenager back then, barely 14 years of age. With his hands twisting on the pack of clothes and some personal effects, holding back tears, he left the family home. He was not able to convince his father to let him study medicine, and three years later, he still had no idea how to talk to him. Zhou Heidun was like an impenetrable wall - always sturdy and serious, aware of his responsibilities and keen to remind his children of theirs. Thus being the eldest child of the Zhou Family, Zhou Tang Sui had responsibilities too. His father probably thought if he went to Minli for the campaign, Zhou Tang Sui would find it in himself to grow up into the role prepared for him.

If that was the goal, Zhou Tang Sui thought, then he failed spectacularly. While much taller, he was still a skinny and not very strong young man, with mediocre swordsmanship skills and with no skills that would make him a good fit for a future general. He didn’t receive any merits - not those that would matter to Zhou Heidun anyway. Helping out in the medical tent was not something his father expected of him.

Zhou Tang Sui had a reputation in Chang’an of being a reclusive, elusive eldest son of the Zhou family. In Minli camp he tried to avoid eyes. Look at him - scrawny, eccentric teenager, sent to army by his father, where he clearly didn’t fit in. And he didn’t even want to fit in, not in the front lines or any lines. Medic lines? Yes. But that was not a part of his family’s plan.

And then he met Wu Chun Tian and much of his not so peaceful days got even more chaotic. Because that new kid? He also didn’t fit in. A commoner child brought from overseas by the 9th Prince himself. A bold and inquisitive boy ruffled many feathers.

That’s how his friend was - confident, and some may say arrogant. Zhou Tang Sui would say that Wu Chun Tian was arrogant, and then get amused at the irony of the fact that it was not Wu Chun Tian who was one of noble young masters from big families.

There was something fascinating about him, something which made people look at him in both awe and jealousy. Afterall Wu Chun Tian was noticed by the commanders and he found learning by their side quite fun. Tactics, maps, commandments - all of it. In turn the commoners felt either too intimidated by somebody of their peerage getting such a backing, or found him too arrogant and a bootlicker. Yet, he was too competent and proud for noble young masters who looked to earn easy merits, so his achievements earned their scorn. If that wasn’t what turned Chang Su on Wu Chun Tian, then what else?

There really was no winning it.

But Wu Chun Tian was the first person that didn’t outright judge him. Even after learning that his father was General Zhou or all the mess Zhou Tang Sui was in, he was still genuinely interested in his endless blabber about medicine. He still did sneak out to accompany Zhou Tang Sui to the precarious places to look for rare herbs. And perhaps the first person to actually say that if he wants to be medic he should go for it.

It was terribly childish, he knew. He laughed at the simple words, spoken by somebody who probably didn’t understand how little of possibility it actually is - nevertheless, it did make Zhou Tang Sui happy. Because for a moment he was able to believe in a future where he didn’t have to lead the Zhou family, earn merits on the battlefield, but instead grow a garden of herbs and treat people of their ailments.

He gave into that hope. The medic tent was the first step towards it. Instead of trying and failing as the regular soldier, he requested transfer and proved he was able to be much more useful there than to be a meatshield on the battlefield. Maybe the army medics weren't divine doctors that could cure the world of its illnesses, but they still provided him a place to learn.

He should’ve known that this wouldn’t make his family elders too happy - and he saw the disappointment seen in his father’s eyes when he finally stepped into the Zhou Mansion threshold. Those few months after coming back weren’t terrible, but underlying tension finally gave in when Zhou Hui Xian was to go to Lushan.

“Obtuse!” Zhou Heidun slammed his hand across the table, when Zhou Tang Sui said he would not follow them to Lushan.

His father’s face was marred with a deep frown as he glared at his eldest son.

“I want to study at Taiyi Bureau and learn medicine, father,” he continued stubbornly, even if his hands shook on his knees. “Please, don’t stop me.”

“Our family path is one of a sword,” Zhou Heidun replied. “No messing with the politics or royals, just focus on training your body and protecting the nation.”

Both father and son glared at each other in the quiet hall, where servants didn’t dare to breathe.

“How is this messing with politics?” Zhou Tang Sui managed. “I just want to learn medicine and heal people, I’m not becoming an official!”

“Pack your things and follow your brother,” Zhou Heidun said.

Zhou Tang Sui felt his blood boil.

“Absolutely not,” he seethed out.

He stood up with the screech of the chair and stepped out of the great hall. The last look at his father’s frowning face made a shiver run down his spine. There was something different about his expression. There was anger, yes. But for a fraction of a second, Zhou Tang Sui would swear that his father's face showed an emotion he couldn’t quite place. But even with the worry in his heart, his feet carried him across the courtyard and out of the gates of the mansion.

He sighed again, running his hands across his face.

Chang’an was a hub of a little bit of everything, so finding a place of worship was not hard at all. Elevated atop of a small hill in a quieter part of the town, a monastery hidden now behind a fog, stood tall. He passed the sturdy wooden gates and went inside the temple. Just now noticing how cold his hands were, he felt a slight shiver across his back. Besides greeting a few monks along the way, the temple was rather empty. It was a humble interior, with a smell of wet ground and incense surrounding him. Light from the candles flickered across the stone pavement and a golden statue in front.

Zhou Tang Sui went ahead and performed his bow to the Buddha, his brain slowly calming down in the peace and quiet of the temple. He offered his thanks to the deity and silently prayed for his brother’s safety on the road. He copied one sutra in a small cold room in the monastery under the monk's instructions.

Moving on from the main building, sutra in his hand and his mind in less frenzy, he walked across the courtyard. His eyes fell on the entrance of one of the smaller temple buildings. The doors were slightly ajar, yet creaked when the cold wind moved them. He squinted looking at the back of the praying parishioners, feeling a vague sense of recognition. The two figures bowed in unison and offered their incense sticks. And then, just when was about to move on, the woman in the middle reached out to the altar and grabbed a date off the plate offered to the Buddha.

“Huh…?” he couldn’t hide his astonishment, as he watched the person lift her veil and eat the date.

“Miss…” the other person chastised.

“I asked,” the woman shrugged and clapped her hands.

“I don’t think you did, miss.”

He blinked. It was indeed an acquaintance - it was young Miss Fei from the Marquis of Anyuan Mansion. The two young women turned around when the doors creaked, and suddenly stopped, seeing Zhou Tang Sui at the entrance.

“Uhm, good afternoon,” he passed the threshold of the temple and nodded his head. He let the awkwardness of the meeting wash over him.

He didn’t know Miss Fei very well at all. He first heard about her from her sister, who was staying in the Tianqun Mountain temple. To this day he felt a churning feeling in his guts, when he recalled that secret that the elder Fei sister told him and Wu Chun Tian. A secret could make his head roll. The second time he met her was in a dirty basement, where they almost perished at the hands of a serial killer. Back then he was too busy stressing over almost being killed to care about making new acquaintances. Since then, he tried to recall, a few months have passed in relative peace. He only heard from Wu Chun Tian that he would meet the girl from time to time. When asked what for, his friend said ‘’he will be dragged to hell” if he explains. Since then Zhou Tang Sui decided he didn’t want to ask at all only to receive such obtuse answers.

“Young Master Zhou,” the young woman greeted and reached hand towards him, “a date?”

“Huh…?” he asked, stupefied.

“You look like you need a bite,” she said. He couldn't see her expression hidden behind the veil falling from the conical hat at her head. In a moment of his hesitation the date, clearly taken from the altar, fell into his hands.

He noticed her maid shaking her head, and turned towards the mural, as if she wanted to indicate that she saw nothing. It was not wrong per se to eat offerings to the Buddha, yet he had suspicion that young miss Fei wasn’t most proper when it came to following respectful conduct.

He apologized to the Buddha in his heart, and in the end took a bite. He didn’t eat much from breakfast, he suddenly realized.

“Miss Fei, are you here to offer incense?” he asked, just to fill in the quiet space. Then he wanted to bite his tongue off - what else is there to do than to offer incense and pray?

“Something like that,” she said and started lighting candles on the side. She lifted part of her veil up, and now he could see her face. “And you?”

“Oh, I wanted to copy and offer some sutra for my brother,” he replied. With his gaze running across the painted walls, he continued, “I was thinking about Bequeathed Teachings Sutra, or maybe Diamond Sutra sutra. You can’t go wrong with Diamond Sutra. Or maybe Refuge of the Yakshas part of Golden Light sutra, my brother likes copying that one, but I didn’t have that much time of the day, so I copied only one…”

He faltered, meeting Fei Bai Bing’s eyes. While she wasn’t stopping him and listening politely along to his chatter, he could feel she had no idea what he was talking about. To be perfectly honest, if not for his younger brother's interest in Buddhist texts he wouldn’t know that much either.

“Ah right, you weren’t one to copy scripture in Tianqun Mountains,” he attempted a joke.

“Young Master Zhou, do you want me to take you to central market so you can shout it out for everyone to hear?” her sharp voice made him stand a bit straighter.

“Apologies…”

He knew from the moment he heard the story of the twins, he was screwed. It was one thing to be involved in some innocent shenanigans in the city, and another to know of something that could be judged as a crime of deceiving the Emperor and royal family. He wasn’t like his friend, Wu Chun Tian, who dealt with many secrets and dug even deeper just out of personal curiosity.

“Aren’t you a physician?” she suddenly asked. “Aren’t they known for keeping their patient’s secrets close to their hearts?”

His stomach dropped.

“I wanted to be,” he said. His gloomy reply made the girl peer at him curiously. He could imagine her recalling the time he helped her with her twisted ankle and even send well made ointments for swelling. “I will have to go to Lushan now following the Zhou family dispatch under general Li.”

“I assume this is not the path you wish to take.”

He shrugged. He may have stomped his feet out of Zhou mansion, but he already could see him pathetically coming back home and quietly going along with the orders.

“Father’s wish is for our family to follow the military path and not get involved in politics. Although I am not sure how we can avoid politics as military men,” he said. The military is very much part of the political game of this Empire - he was truly growing uneasy with how his father wanted to close his eyes to this truth.

He was left to ponder in silence, as he watched the flickering light of the candles under watchful eyes of the Buddha on the altar in front of him.

“Zhou Heidun, your father, was Beijun army vice general back in the day, wasn’t he?” Fei Bai Bing spoke up, starting from his thoughts.

“Yes… now the tiger tally is with the Li family.”

“If I recall correctly, it used to be in the hands of the Royal Cousin, General Lian Hong Yan, until he was executed, and many of his officers stripped of their ranks and re-assigned” she continued. “Like your father.”

It was a bit of a taboo, if he was honest about it. Yes, he heard about his family's past glory back when he wasn’t even born yet. His father was good friends with General Lian and shared many of his incredible achievements that shaped the borders of the empire. For ages they would be mentioned in the history annals. Many would not dare to say this out loud, but The Great Huang's glory ended with one embarrassing incident and General Lian drinking a poisoned cup at the orders of the Late Emperor. Who would’ve thought that the upright general would have an affair with a Crown Princess Consort, the wife of his cousin! From famed general to a lovesick fool and laughingstock of the Chang’an.

Zhou family prestige fell alongside it. He realized his father tried to keep the family from falling completely apart. He supposed his decisive move to cut themselves from court and follow like an obedient soldier allowed the Zhou Family to keep some respect for the populace and the Late Emperor himself.

“I guess he doesn’t want anyone from the family getting involved with the politics, and Taiyi Bureau is known for graduating many Imperial Physicians who now work with the court.”

Zhou Tang Sui sighed. Perhaps he now understood his father’s expression when he was leaving his homestead. After years trying to completely wash their hands off the politics, Zhou Tang Sui looked like a dumb lamb heading into a court adjacent facility with a naive dream.

“To sum up, General Lian’s fall made quite a wave across the empire, huh,” Fei Bai Bing said

“So to sum up, I am wasting my father’s painstaking efforts to keep our family out of the spotlight.”

The bitterness in his voice couldn’t be mistaken.

Young Miss Fei regarded him wordlessly for a moment.

“You see, I discovered something, not too long ago,” she said. He wasn’t even allowed to wallow in his self pity, he thought, needing to focus on her words. “My father used to follow Crown Princess Jiang to many places in his youth. When she fell along with General Lian, my father decided that in order to restore family honor, he must let go of all of the old ties. Quite similar isn’t it?”

Zhou Tang Sui cocked his head to the side, curiosity winning over the bitterness in his heart.

“Nowadays though, he has glued himself to the 4th Prince side, as if following his lead will make the Marquisate honorable again,” she said. Even when she tried to look nonchalant, playing with the fan in her hand, he could feel silent anger surging under the surface. “I, for one, feel like my honorable grandfather would be turning in his grave if the dead could do that.”

He didn’t know Fei Family history very well, but Fei Ting Lei was a name nobody would find unrecognizable.

He could understand the parallel miss Fei was making. She smiled at him and moved towards the open doors of the temple.

“But you’re not your father, Young Master Zhou. Why should you live with ghosts of the past looming over your shoulder? These are not your ghosts.”

“What do you suggest?”

“I don’t suggest anything,” she replied. “The only person who can live your life is you. Have a good afternoon, Young Master Zhou. Let’s go Tan’er, I believe I spent enough time here to make Grandmother satisfied.”

Young Miss Fei was gone before he could reply, and he only nodded to the servant girl who followed after her mistress.

His feet carried him soon enough to the front of the temple. He couldn’t see the young women anywhere as the day was coming to an end. He looked across the spreading roofs of the capital.

Not his ghosts, he repeated under his breath. He looked down at the sutra in his hands and back to the city. He walked fast back to the courtyard and borrowed a few more pieces of paper. He wrote a short note to his brother wishing him all the best, and another one to his father telling him that he’s sorry.

“Could you take this to Zhou Mansion?” He pushed sutra and envelopes into the hands of a young kid on the street that was selling rice cakes. He dug his pocket for money and added some silver atop of his hand.

“Yessir!” The boy saluted and ran ahead after listening to his directions.

Lighter on his feet, Zhou Tang Sui walked in the opposite direction. Passing along the streets of Chang’an, he gazed across the closing stalls and citizens getting ready to go home for the night. Just before the nightfall, his feet stopped.

Taiyi Bureau, read the plaque above the wooden gate. If his best friend was able to leave home at a young age, survive battlefields and now enter the officialdom… if a young miss like Fei Bai Bing was able to take matters into her own hands for her own and her sister’s survival… Well, Miss Fei was correct, he was not his father - but he was his father’s son. He was stubborn as a donkey and unable to let go. He will not pack up, once again giving into his father’s orders.

Letting go off his family name that shielded him his entire life, he stepped inside the Bureau.