kit kat

prologue. chapter eleven.

chapter one. chapter twelve.

chapter two.

chapter three.

chapter four.

chapter five.

chapter six.

chapter seven.

chapter eight.

chapter nine.

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Sunlight flickers through the window, waking you up with a soft, warm, welcome.

For a moment you think you're home, you're expecting your mom to show up any second now.

The sound of an X-Wing landing brings you back to where you really are.

You’re in your room.

At the hidden base of the rebellion. You were recently discharged.

Why were you recently discharged—

The memory hits you like a knife slicing through your ribs.

———

Blood.

There was so much blood, screams, and fire that illuminated all the chaos and destruction in the place.

You're bleeding, you hadn't noticed until you felt the wetness drop down your chin. Pain doesn't feel real.

You're walking in autopilot.

In circles.

You don't know what you're looking for.

A breath. In and out.

You scramble, trying to remember what happened before you started walking.

You were hiding.

From something —someone—.

You were hiding in total silence, swallowing your breaths. Cried until your eyes dried. You'd been alone for an hour, could have been more.

You thought you heard noises, maybe someone was alive.

You left your hiding place slowly, the ache in your body increasing every time you did the smallest effort to move.

You limp until you remember what you were doing.

Looking for someone, anybody who might be alive. You still have hope maybe someone managed to—

The sight of everybody laying motionless on the land makes your knees falter.

You're alone. No one is coming.

You start crying again, wails can be heard from the distance, but they're useless, you are useless right now.

Laying pathetically on the ground you observe how your tears wet the dirt. Your blood triggers a recollection of what happened that night.

You could puke if there was anything on your stomach.

You were having dinner.

Your mother was there.

You talked about your exhausting day at work.

She listened and made small talk. Anything that could keep the fantasy of living a normal life.

Then the awful sound of a blaster broke through the night. Arriving with lines of stormtroopers, guns pointed at everything and everyone who dared to be in their way.

Your tears started to fall before your mind had even processed what was happening. You remember taking her hand, running until your feet ached, even as the distance was increasing it felt useless, there was no one way to hide, no way of outrunning the First Order.

Someone screamed for help, a blaster shot through them before you could even think of approaching. You couldn't save no one.

Once again you were a coward.

“Luke Skywalker is not here!” A old man screamed with his last breath. They didn't believe him until everything was destroyed and there was still no clue of his whereabouts.

People were still screaming, begging for their lives. Maybe they believed this once they could be merciful, but it was the First Order after all.

While you were running you heard faintly the echo a voice.

His voice. Ben's voice. “Get rid of everyone.”

Your mind blanked for a instant, feet stopping almost automatically. For a second you forgot. About the First Order, about the danger, about everything that lead you to this moment.

You remembered him, not Kylo Ren, the boy you met all those years ago.

An explosion brings you back to reality. You're glad it does. Because that was not Ben. He had long been buried under that mask.

For a brief moment you believed yourself dead, it felt hopeless, like it was no use. But your mother's voice keep calling your name, begging you to run. So you did.

You still wish you hadn't listened to her, you wish you hid her, found a way to keep her safe, you'll never forget the feeling of her limp body in your arms and how with her last breath she told you to live.

Not survive, although that would've been easier.

Live.

For me.

For everyone who died today.

You laugh frantically, out of all people you survived. Like your life had been important enough for the universe spared you this once.

You breathe but it becomes ragged, your body can't hold itself anymore. It's exhausted. You're exhausted.

Darkness engulfed you for a while.

—–

The next time you woke you were in a hospital bed. You didn't know what or who found you, but your body felt heavy and complained every time you tried to move. You tried to speak but your voice was not there.

Panic surged through you, you didn't know where you were, who you were you with.

What if they captured you?

What if it's him—

“You're awake,” A medic walked in, she doesn't feel threatening, a soft smile on her lips, she approached you carefully like she was trying not to startle a wounded animal, but you wouldn't trust anyone yet.

“I'll inform General Organa.” Organa, a name you missed so much, the words brought instant relief to your mind. You found Leia, you were safe.

For now. Your mind offers, but you're too tired to keep thinking about anything at all, so you allowed yourself a moment and close your eyes.

—–

After being discharged it's a routine every day you wake. You forget briefly who you are, where you are, then the memories flood your mind one after the other, they are not pretty, they don't apologize for hurting you.

But at least they let you know what your place is.

You hear someone knocking, you open the door quickly. There's only one person who knocks at your door these days.

“Walk with me?” Leia appears at your door, you have barely managed to compose yourself. You're tired, you should say no, but follow her regardless, you don't want to be alone in case your mind starts torturing you again.

It's quiet for a while. You appreciate her silence, you can almost convince yourself that all she wants is to walk with you. But it's Leia you're talking about.

“I still am sorry for being there too late.” She speaks finally, voiced filled with that familiar tone of regret.

“You couldn't have known.” You say the words as fast as you can, you know what it's like to carry guilt. Leia carries enough with her. You wish she wouldn't add any more.

“And it's not like I think anyone deserved to die,” You pause for a second, what you say feels insensitive but at the same time, you know it's true. “I wish no one had to die, but if you had been there, there would be so much more loss.”

There's a beat of silence. It looks like she's considering your words and she nods. You think that's all, until she looks at you. Leia gauges your expression, you're caught. She knows something’s wrong. She wants to know what.

“Sweet child...” She calls you, like she did when you were younger, bringing a warm feeling to your chest, one that you feel undeserving of having.

“That expression on your face… I hate to see it.”A beat. She asks, softly. “You don't still blame yourself, do you?”

“I— It's just, it's not that.” You pause, your voice gets quieter with every word you speak. “I've been having trouble lately, to remember who I am, where I am, or simply what day is it. I fear I’m… not myself.”

She looks at you again, with worry, her expression makes you crumble.

“I’m sorry, I know you have enough problems. I don't mean to add any more.”

Leia says nothing, just pulls you into an embrace, one that you didn't know needed so badly until now.

“You're not a problem to me.” She whispers trying to soothe you. “I don't want to see you like this, but you're not a problem, yes?”

You nod, fearing your words won't come out. They do. It's self deprecating thoughts again. “Just sometimes I wish I could change things.”

“This is about something else, sweetheart.” Her tone changes slightly. And you can't lie to her, so your guilt ridden mind starts rambling.

“Everyone here is working for something bigger, they— they have purpose, and all I've ever done is run away.”

“You ran away trying to survive. That's not a crime.”

“It doesn't make me a criminal, I know. It makes me a coward.”

“You're here now.” Her voice offers a reassuring tone you're not sure you deserve. “For me, for everyone else, that counts.”

“Don't punish yourself for what happened.”

“But,” She adds, walking slowly toward you, eyes with that glint that suggests she's having a brilliant idea. Or maybe trying to torture you. Kindly. In her own way.

“If you still feel the need to punish yourself, we could use those hardworking hands of yours.”

“You're offering me a job?” There's barely contained surprise in your words, logically your knowledge was useful, but how much use was there for someone fundamentally broken?

“Those X-Wings are quite hard to fix, aren't they?” She says with that familiar smile you've known for years

.A small-barely-noticeable smile appears on your lips, the first one in a long time. “Yes, they are.”

———

Leia has other matters to attend. But she leaves you in good hands.

Everyone introduces themselves, you do the same, and falling in a routine helps you not to spiral.

You get a uniform, a place to work, tools. You get a purpose.

Your mind is not the right place yet. It blurs.

It blanks. It makes you scream. But work serves as a distraction.

Good enough to keep you on your feet until the next sunrise.

You'll get there. You have to.

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a/n: haha babys first fic,, i know it's kinda short but it's mostly an introduction so we can meet reader and understand some of her feelings i promise next chapter will be longer 🤞🏻

also i was thinking of giving reader a nickname but honestly couldn't think of any....

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