Shut Up Jenny.

Jk

-Jk

Today I realized why I felt like not doing anything all weekend its the 3 yr 11 month mark which is usually harder thean others. </3 miss you mom.

3 years have come and gone and the memories of you hits me in waves. I was in the middle of class and I almost lost it because I was thinking of you. Or when I was in the car thinking of one of our last trips with you while buying my school supplies for college listening to country music. These memories and feeling of complete sadness came in waves this week. I miss you more than I could ever imagine. I remember reading a post 3 years ago explaining how the first year is one of the hardest along with every increasing year because now 3 years later I don’t understand how I have went this long without talking to you. I have no clue how I will go the rest of my life without you. The hardest part is that I have spent 3 years without you. That I will spend the big moments without you like when I graduate from college, get married, get a job, etc. I can’t fathom how I will do that all without you. Even just 3 years without you has been to hard but I am blessed I got you as my mom because you taught me how to be strong. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. I hope your proud.

I remember when I was about 3 years old I was left alone with my baby sister while my mom was out getting milk and my stepfather was no where to be found. I wish I could say that was the most fghtening thing I ever experienced growing up but it just got worse from there. I remember multiple nights around the age of five running to the neighbors for them to call the cops because my step-loser was beating my mom again or chocking her. So I would run out of the house to get help but it never changed the situation it would just happen again so I don’t think the help was helpful. I remember being frightened he was going to kill her but he was the only terror that haunted my childhood. Next came being homeless living out of our car, hotels, once in a while friends house. My next terror came when I was six years old sleeping in a car outside of a church....

The closer it gets to the two year mark the more i miss you. And i also realise the person i am today is a fraction of the person i was before i lost you. But i am getting back some qualities of who i was before you died and some new ones that developed out of over coming the loss of you. Well wish i could tell u all this but i guess this will suffice.

Almost two year later and i miss you like crazy but i have made inches in getting myself back. I think youd be so proud of the person i became. Thank you for everything

An excerpt from a book I’ll never write