Short End of the Stick

Drew this Mercy at 1AM to fight off an anxiety attack.

Drew another shitty wizard today.

I was very angry today and decided to draw some shitty wizards to cheer myself up. Then my wife, who doesn't draw much, came home from work early because she wasn't feeling well, and she drew wizards with me. We bonded, had tons of fun, and our lives were all the better for it.

The point is, life is short. Draw wizards with the people you love.

Old HIGH QUALITY cellphone doodles I doodled in a waiting room in between being a supportive husband.

I sketched a cartoon of my Wife, and, predictably, what was supposed to be a messy bun just evolved into Ultros from Final Fantasy VI.

Just the Facts, with J. Jonah Jameson

Folks, friends, good citizens of New York, it has finally happened. Our greatest nightmares: realized. A reckoning unlike anything this city has ever seen... is now upon us.

After mere months, not even a full year, since the first sightings of the masked menace, Spider-Man, eating pigeons and inhaling airborne pollutants for kicks: he has EVOLVED. Into what exactly, it pains even me to say.

Spider-Man... is a Godzilla.

A what? Jared... no. No, no, I can’t say that on the air. NO! You can’t tell me referencing mobsters eating cannolis is racist and then tell me... oh... Is that what they’re called? Huh. Leave it to the Japanese, I guess.

My producer, Jared, is telling me the correct term is “Kay-Jew,” which sounds to me like another meaningless lawsuit waiting to happen. Anyway, irrelevant politically correct terminology for GIANT MONSTERS aside...

SPIDER-MAN. IS. A GIANT. MOOONNNNNSTEEEERRRR!

He doesn’t just swing from buildings like an ape on a vine anymore, folks, he tramples us like ANTS. Fitting, as how that is how he has always seen us. Witnesses say Spider-Man was seen sitting on a building, like it was an ARMCHAIR, just east of the power plant located in Hell’s Kitchen. Spider-Man’s recent mutation is a clear indication of what I have been trying to tell the world since my days in printed journalism: so long as Spider-Man exists... our days as a species are numbered!

COUNCIL OF DUMB-DUMBS: Well, shit, I mean... None of us can make decisions, so like, who's gonna lead us?

TYRION: Chair's gone, so I vote our King be someone who doesn't need to worry about finding a place to sit.

USAGI: Sure! Motoki-san even gave me a key so I'd stop breaking in through the windows!

MOKOTO: So then why is there glass all over the fl--?

NEPHRITE: The fuck!?

SAILOR MERCURY: Kino-- Jupiter! We're heroes of justice. You can't just say things like that!

SAILOR JUPITER: I'll do it too. Right after I punch this ghost bitch in the tit!

SAILOR MERCURY: What!? No, this isn't how you fight Evil! Sailor Moon, say something to her!

SAILOR MOON: You can do it, Sailor Jupiter! Punch that bitch right in the tit!

SAILOR JUPITER: Hell to the yeah, Baby!

SAILOR MERCURY: NO, dOn'T ENcOurAGe hER!

So, I've decided my new dream is to write and direct a direct to DVD “Scooby-Doo meets the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie featuring the original 80's turtles. The Gang heads to New York for sightseeing and get interrupted by mutants committing crimes. While trying to apprehend the suspects they end up crossing paths with the TMNT who were also responding. They all head to the sewer lair to regroup and share their findings.

VELMA: Those aren't masks, are they?

LEONARDO: Nope.

DONATELLO: Say, she's good. Solid deductive reasoning.

RAPHAEL: What gave it away, the lack of foam rubber or the beautifully articulated mouths? Even Henson can't build 'em like this.

VELMA: I need a moment.

FRED: There will be time for that later. First we need to figure out--

Fred tries to put a comforting hand on Velma's shoulder and is startled by her abrupt scream.

VELMA: (Screaming) I need a moment!

Fred freezes, withdraws his hand, and silently mouths “Okay” as he takes a step back and gives Velma her space.

Wide angle of the whole cast. Velma turns her back to the camera and puts her hands on her hips. Everyone stands awkwardly, trying not to stare but unsure of exactly what to do. Most of them are fidgety or visibly uncomfortable with the silence. After a moment of slow breathing and some neck stretches, Velma turns back to the group.

VELMA: Okay, you were saying?

----

Fred and Leonardo both try to take charge and struggle for dominance. Master Splinter suggests they track down the Shredder, because obviously.

----

MICHAELANGELO: Hey, dudes. While the fearless leaders over there hash out the deets, what say we partake of some major deliciousness of the pizza variety.

SHAGGY: Like, if we ever say no to an offer like that, we were probably replaced by impostors as some sort of devious master plan to take over the world. Lead the way.

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah!

MICHAELANGELO: You're in luck, dudes. The kitchen is totally stocked so take your pick. We got fresh pizza, frozen pizza, do-it-yourself pizza, leftover pizza, room-temperature pizza, week-old pizza, pizza we don't remember ordering, gummie pizzas, pizzas with gummies, pizza sandwiches, English muffin pizzas, breakfast pizzas, which are basically pepperoni pancakes, oooooorrrrr...

Michaelangelo gestures to the immense wall-sized pizza oven with pride.

MICHAELANGELO: We could use the patent-pending Dona-langelo Mega-Delux Hyper Oven X to bake our own giant pizza and use other pizzas as toppings! Donatello made it himself to my exact specifications. Big. And awesome.

Shaggy and Scooby look unimpressed and stand with their arms crossed in judgment.

SHAGGY: Like, okay, so I know what you were going for, Michaelangelo, but if you had this thing over here, why didn't you just lead with that? As if there were any other option. Kind of wasting our time.

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. We're burning dayright.

ALL: When we could be cooking pizza!

MICHAELANGELO: Hey, Donatello! It's supervision time, bud!

DONATELLO: Just a quick warning in advance. This is a delicate prototype and it still has a few bugs to work out. At any point in the process either it or the pizzas could become sentient and try to destroy humanity, so have these books on ethics and moral philosophy at the ready just in case.

*Hi-jinks*

----

APRIL: Go get 'em, guys!

DAPHNE: Aren't you coming?

APRIL: What? Of course not! Not when there's a hot scoop like this. I gotta get to the office and fetch my cameraman.

DAPHNE: Cameraman? As in... television camera man? As in... television?

DAPHNE: Let's split up, gang. I'll go with April to the news station. You guys all go do that other thing you were talking about that’s also important. Go get 'em!

----

DAPHNE: So, is this how things usually go? The guys stumble onto something, tell you, you consult your contacts on the force, confirm your sources, alert the media, they disregard your seemingly outlandish claims despite overwhelming evidence, and then you jump into the fray at the last minute to help the turtles save the day?

APRIL: In times like this usually Vern and I, that's my cameraman, just circle the city in the helicopter or the van and wait for something to explode, or a giant monster to show up. Ooo! Or portals to other dimensions! Those are always popular. Sometimes we get footage, sometimes we don't. Then I just wait for the guys to stumble across something else. Most of the time it's the other way around.

DAPHNE: You stumble onto a case during one of your investigations, but it's too time sensitive to go to the police so you contact your vigilante allies and kick down doors together until you reach the heart of the matter?

APRIL: Wow, you make journalism sound so... empowering! Is it really like that where you're from?

DAPHNE: Not exactly. Just in movies and stuff.

APRIL: I see. I don't really have time for that sort of thing. I'm usually just going from one place to the next. I tend to do fluff pieces for events in the city. Then something goes horribly awry, I get kidnapped, and wait for the guys to rescue me.

DAPHNE: That sounds... I'm trying to think of a polite way to say this... taxing?

APRIL: It's a living. I mean, it should be. Most of the time my footage gets lost or destroyed. But every so often things go my way and I get my job back. I'm so lucky rent is cheap in New York.

DAPHNE: Oh, honey. You need a Daphne Blake career makeover.

APRIL: Oh, wow! What's that?

DAPHNE: Let's find out. Together.

APRIL: No, I mean, I think that's the Technodrome sending something from another dimension! What a story!

DAPHNE: Jeepers! I bet everyone else is already there. We’d better hurry.

APRIL: Not without my cameraman.

DAPHNE: Okay, but, what if there's something we can do to help?

APRIL: We aren't the story, we just sensationalize it. That’s how we help.

----

SHREDDER: Oh, so I see you’ve arrived to spoil my little plan. If only I had anticipated such an event after countless decades of almost ritualistic losses I've faced at your hands. If only I had something up my sleeves... like this!

A killer robot steps through the portal and falls flat on its face.

SHREDDER: Oh. Would you look at that. My backup plan didn't even get off the ground. I just. I don't even... Rocksteady, Bebop: Throw yourselves at them for a moment while I reflect on my life.

ROCKSTEADY: With pleasure.

BEBOP: Yeah. And casual disregard for our own safety and wellbeing.

KRANG:(Communicator) Shredder! Haven't you dealt with these interlopers ye-- are you crying!?

SHREDDER: No. I just... went a little overboard with the helmet polish this morning. I wanted to look nice.

KRANG:(Communicator) (Sighing) Look, I know things have been hard for you. Things haven't gone your way since... ever... but you're not alone.

SHREDDER: Really?

KRANG:(Communicator) Of course. Ever since I met you nothing has gone my way either, but there's something my dear Grandmama Krang use to tell me whenever I was feeling down. She used to say, “Krang, don't let hardship eat away at you. Amass an army. Strike out at the unsuspecting masses, and enslave them to do your bidding and worship you as a god!” I will never forget those words, and neither should you! Now suck it up, dummy, and slay my enemies! Bwaaaarb!

----

SHREDDER: You thought it was me sending those mutants in to steal random junk? Oh, that's rich.

LEONARDO: But, isn't that what you do?

RAPHAEL: That and get confused for a kitchen utensil?

SHREDDER: I've been out of mutagen for ages! Come to the Technodrome and take a look for yourselves. I've got nothing to hide. I was going up to the surface to investigate for myself where these creatures were coming from just in case someone else had discovered some mutagen that I could then steal, create an army with, and send them out to steal things I need to enact my plans for global domination. I've done nothing wrong.

VELMA: Well, if the subterranean mobile base trapped in another dimension wasn't a dead giveaway I can see why you were suspect number one now.

FRED: But if it wasn't the Shredder...?

LEONARDO: Then we need to find the real monster behind these monsters.

FRED: Nice.

LEONARDO: Thanks.

----

LEONARDO: Oh no! Scooby-Doo and Shaggy been turned into mutants!

MICHAELANGELO: Hey, dudes, how 'bout instead of demolishing the city, we all chill for a sec-amundo and gorge ourselves on some toasty pizza while the brainy bunch find you a cure?

Mutant Shaggy and Mutant Scooby savagely destroy the pizza parlor.

MICHAELANGELO: Those bros... are not... my bros.

----

MICHAELANGELO: Velma! Wait up!

VELMA: What is it, Michaelangelo?

MICHAELANGELO: The others have it all wrong! Those two dudes just now were not mutants!

VELMA: How do you mean?

MICHAELANGELO: I mean, like, well they could be.

VELMA: Your contradictions aren't helpful, Michaelangelo. Either they are or they aren't.

MICHAELANGELO: What I mean is, those dudes might be mutants, but those dudes are definitely not Shaggy and Scooby-Doo as mutants.

VELMA: Jinkies! Now I'm intrigued. Go on.

MICHAELANGELO: It was something they said earlier.

SHAGGY:(Flashback) Like, if we ever say no to an offer like that, we were probably replaced by impostors as some sort of devious master plan to take over the world.

MICHAELANGELO: But when I offered them some delicious slice-age, they totally did a number on the pizza parlor!

VELMA: That...

Velma takes off her glasses and rubs at her eyes. She has had a long day of dealing with mutants and inter-dimensional travel.

VELMA: That's not typically something I would consider hard evidence, but you're also not wrong. Even as terrifying mutants hellbent on the destruction of mankind, Scooby and Shaggy would've made sure they had scavenged the restaurant before destroying it.

----

That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I have actual work to do.

----

BONUS

IRMA: Do you have new friends? Are any of them cute? Are they single? Never mind. Answer the first two. I can take care of the rest.

APRIL: Not now, Irma.

DAPHNE: Is she okay?

APRIL: She’s always been that way. C’mon! We have work to do.

The Bombastic Bag-Man