shitbeforreal

One of the reasons Im single is because I'm ashamed to show myself and my work. I'm embarassed. I wish I was better so that I could make you prouder

I feel like shit. I don't feel great. I want to be better but my body refuses to move with me. My mind and body have always been disconnected, it's like two different people. And I keep trying to push myself but at the end of the day, i suck, evrything sucks, I'm just a really untalented bitch, that is all

It's like I've already given up, and know any effort put is lost cause. It's embarrassing, I wish I was that kind of a person who could turn things around, who had their shit together

I'm sitting in a cafe and my friend is running late. I acquired the table, but now i can't gather the courage to order something. Also it's freezing, i might be running a fever, but I don't have the guts in me to ask them to shut that thing off. I'm shivering. I'm gonna die here with no food and of hyperthermia.

The tension between being constantly lonely and knowing I don't even deserve to be lonely.

My delusional self has been weirdly suddenly gotten hooked to watching tarot on YouTube. And ykw, she said, you have healed. No, lady, i haven't healed, and if this pathetic behaviour and character you call healing, someone's in for a lot of pain with me. I hope nobody has to ever come close to me and get themselves disappointed. I'm disappointed by myself. And ykw, i don't want to improve either. I want to shower in my misery and be miserable forever and i don't want anyone else to dirty themselves in my melancholy

I wish I never got entangled with them. I wish I never met them. I wish things weren't this complicated. And everyone was mature enough that i could just get up and confront how much i can't take it and outright cut them off. I wish I had the courage to just face them despite the consequences and watch them get hurt deeper and deeper. Instead of us both being hurt like this. This is a burden that's getting heavier and heavier day by day. My shoulders are slouching and I wish I was free of this weight that constantly pulls me down. I wish I never met them. I wish I never stayed. I wish I could just get up and leave. I hate adulting. I hate being an adult and i hate giving fucks about everyone. I hate caring. I hate myself.

I think I'm an adult enough to know that I'm not made for relationships and people. I don't think I have the bare minimum compassion to empathize with people. It's best i distance myself from everyone and probably being alone is the best option instead of constantly hurting others because I can't meet their expectations. I don't want to meet anyone's expectations anymore or ever. I don't have it in me. I suck with people and even my closest people. I can't do it.