active mar 22/days binge free: 7

ok guys i’ve been dieting for the last 6 days and i’m back at 157.5 lbs which is the weight i was at before christmas break. i’m definitely calling this a win because being home with my family for long periods is stressful and there were a lot of binge days that i have now counteracted with this very low cal week. my classes are a lot easier this quarter so i’m manifesting that doing well in school will remind me that i am capable and restricting will be easier. wish me luck <3

5/30/22 12:05pm - binged on almost 5,000 cals yesterday, gained literally 5lbs overnight, highkey wanna leap into a human size blender

4/28/22 8:46AM - @literal1legend1 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS OF ALL TIME I LOVE YOU SM CROW AND I WISH U HAD MORE SOCIAL MEDIA SO I COULD SAY THIS ON EVERY PLATFORM IN EXISTENCE. YOU DESERVE THE PERFECT DAY I HOPE YOU ARE SMILING AND LAUGHING THE WHOLE DAY. YOU ARE HILARIOUS AND KIND AND AMAZING AND FLAWLESS HAPPY BDAY💝

4/23/22 10:16AM - guys. this is a fucking emergency. i was texting my bf this morning abt hating myself, wishing i wasn’t so self destructive, wishing i was dead, not understanding why him or anyone else loves me, etc. it’s rare for me to text such dark/depressing stuff to him. i normally keep it to myself & avoid him until i can get my shit together mentally & physically. but he was very comforting & reassuring for the most part until he asked for me to be more specific so he can understand me better & i said it was abt something i still don’t feel comfortable telling him. i told him i’d talk to my therapist & one of my online friends who knows what’s going on. then he responded with two gigantic fucking paragraphs. “if this is about your eating disorder, i know. i’m not stupid you know…” “it absolutely pains me because i’ve known about this for a while. since december i think?” “i’ve seen you count macros and eat little to nothing for days.” like what the fuck am i supposed to say guys. i feel like a deer stuck in headlights. i feel sick to my stomach. the guy i love most in this world now knows this deeply personal embarrassing thing about me. i feel so fucking violated. & vulnerable. no one in my family knows about my ed. none of my friends know. how am i supposed to look into his eyes now? how do i respond? where do we go from here?

3/10/22: here’s where i’m at rn: somehow it’s march of 2022. i’ve been the same weight since october. i’ve gained & lost the same 15lbs abt 14 times. i wish i could wake up & smoke weed w/o it making me feel irresistibly hungry all fucking day. my bmi says i’m at a healthy weight & i wish i could just believe it & love myself. i wish i could read the articles online abt how data & studies show that men actually prefer curves to someone stick thin & just fucking believe them. why can’t i be enough for myself? when will i be enough? i’m moving out of my college apt into a different one, & while the process is going on i’m staying at home w my family. i cannot do this for much longer. i need to go back. my gf dumped me bc i cheated on her. then the guy i cheated on her w also dumped me. last time i visited college though, even though my ex gf & i are broken up we slept together. i told her i’m still in love w her & she told me the same. but she can’t trust me. so idk where anything in my life is going. i’m failing one of my classes & my parents don’t know. my dad’s alcoholism is at its worst. my sister’s autism is spinning out of control & my parents won’t get her the behavioral therapy she needs. i can’t fall apart bc my 4 other family members fall apart at least once a day every day. i don’t want to lash out at anyone. but i’m sick of my room & sick of this house & sick of this town. i wish i could wake up tomorrow 40lbs lighter & have my ex gf be magically ok w the polyamorous relationship that i so desperately crave bc i have an innate need to fill both feminine & masculine love roles in my life LOL WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT

1/21/22 5:36pm - i binged sunday-wednesday night. it’s friday evening & i haven’t eaten since then. i am on hr 44 of my 60hr fast. i gained 15.5lbs in 4 days. yesterday morning i weighed in at 153lbs, today i weighed in at 140. the human body is fucking insane. how in god’s name did i lose 13lbs in 1 motherfucking day. idk. but i’m very grateful. i’m excited to see how much i weigh in the morning. the longest i’ve ever fasted before is 45hrs so i’m rlly excited to accomplish a longer one. today i had raspberry tea for breakfast & iced coffee for lunch & dinner. my gf & roommate got high & ordered fast food last night & they’re doing the same thing tonight. i smoked weed last night but didn’t eat anything. the plan for tonight is the same and i’m proud of my self control <3 hope u all r well, like usual feel free 2 message me abt anything at all i love all my moots sm