Check this shit out mang

cleaned out the garage and found my old thinking cap from when i would think

we bought a shirt at a thrift store that says "best mom in louisiana" for some reason (as a reminder we are in midwest germany) and now my spouse keeps walking around the house wearing it and saying shit like "WHO STANDS BEFORE THE GREATEST MOM OF LOUISIANA?"

no one says big mood anymore. no one even says mood. no one says anything. all thats left is a dry wind, that scours my face until i bleed

today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well

Oh 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂! You didn’t tell me you had a beast in your home. You’ve got a little goggyee. Eh- BOGGY. A poopy dog. A buppy- a little 𝐹𝑈𝐶𝐾𝐼𝑁𝐺 ƊOƐGGУ. I’ve never seen a reell dog before! We only have Lego® Dogs on Lego® Island. 𝒪𝒽! Oh FUCK! Oh fuck nooo! This red bastard’s got teeth! Sharp teethh. He’s going to tear me into little Lego® pieces. I’ve never been so scared in my life! WHAT THE FUCK this is like a jumpscare from Five Fuckers at Uncle Festers. GET ME THE  𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂  OUT OF HERE!

anywhere you go i'll Frollo you down

Frollo me down to the Los Angeles County Child Support Services office you fucking decrepit leech your son needs shoes

He’s so shy he died

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

guys in Appalachia will be named things like Brian O’Brian and Connor O’Connor