Fluidity

For the first time in my life

I’m paving a new path...

Seeing a view

I never wanted to see

What would life look like without him?

For one, less moisture buildup

on my pillow after 2am

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of trying

His eyes are fully dry

There is nothing left to give

Im tired of placating to his madness

Its time to let him go

What would life look like without him?

I guess I’ll finally know...

I’m not hard to get

I’m right here...

Also Them after seeing videos of looting: how do THEY expect US to take THEM seriously if THEY do this. This is why THEY will never be treated equally.

...

Wait they? I thought we were ALL? So shouldn’t you be saying “how are we going to be taken seriously if some are looting!”

Oh wait i guess you CAN see color and its not all lives matter!

A newfound lack of sensation

Dripping in grief

Saturated in wonder

the tears that fall mimic water falls

it’s been transformative

I enjoy the quiet moments

The moments where I am deep

in a trance of thoughts

My memories playing like music

I find pleasure in the rhythm

I don’t have the words anymore

After a long conversation with a friend

I tell her I don’t have the words anymore

And she tells me write anyway

And I knew that was the answer

Yet But i huffed and puffed and said

I don’t have the words anymore!

Cant you see

There is nothing left to say

So I guess nothing is all there is left to say

As a navigate this reality

This new me

That falls outside of love poems

And idolizing death

And glorifying the future

Who am i outside of those thoughts... those words

Nothing?

And Is there something wrong with nothing?

Being outside of myself

A clean slate

Left to observe

To absorb

No, there isn’t anything wrong with nothing

Or nowhere

Or numbness

Maybe it’s the body’s way of pausing

of whispering to you

The old way doesn’t work anymore, it says

discover a new path

A new way of moving

A new choreography

Find rhythm in the movement of newness and numbness

Maybe I was never meant to know

Maybe I was never meant to fully know

where the words would ever lead me

I was always meant to find out where it took me

One word at a time

And sometimes it takes me nowhere

And sometimes that is a beautiful place to be

To wander

Perhaps in desperation

Or perhaps in peace

Or perhaps simplest shifting from

one state to another

Letting go of

awakening to it all

With wonder

Each limb swaying to

You... a new person

A new subject

A new object of my desire

Thank you for freeing me

Freeing me from the pattern

of reignited anger

And heartache

And painfully slow acceptance

From what I previously wanted

From what I knew would never be mine

I freed myself

it was slow

But I freed myself

Slowly... often in isolation

Took so much longer than

I could have ever imagined...

I needed that time though

To be alone

To reflect

To grow

But looking into your eyes

Reminds me of possibilities

Reminds me of the limitless twists and turns

That breathing can bring

You remind of of possibilities

You spark the life back into me

And even if it isn’t you

It is still the resurgence

of the pounding in my heart

I haven’t felt that in so long

The warmness in my chest

The weightlessness

My mind falling into a cloud

A crush

A new crush

I forgot what that felt like

I told myself I didn’t want to know

I still tell myself that

So I stay present

in the moment

A crush

A new crush

Thank you

so much

For reminding me

That I can still feel

That I have in some parts healed

That my wall isn’t indestructible

That I am still capable

A crush...

a beautiful

Tantalizing

Crush

Who’s ready? Who’s ready for it all?

Who’s ready for waves of change that splash on your skin like freedom and long car rides with engines that purr internal truths who’s ready for exposed imperfections and new scars that lead to stories told to old friends over morning coffees and midnight mojitos Who’s ready for growth that lead to failures that lead to successes then more growth and more failures Who’s ready for funny moments... the ones you laugh about for years to come Who’s ready to laugh so hard the tears start to run Who’s ready for funny memes... sent to friends in DMS and Facebook chats Who’s ready for all of that

Who’s ready for awkward moments, that lead to difficult conversations? Who’s ready for the honesty required before the elation?  Who’s ready to Explore new places,  new facets of ourselves Whos ready to express their feelings, and ask for help?

Who’s ready for  reimagined surroundings, and big steps that lead to little steps, and little steps that lead to... Stillness.

Who’s ready for it all with arms wide open to whatever falls between them who’s ready to take it all in: the good, the bad, the in-between and accept all that comes their way and savor the serenity... Who’s ready for it all? Who’s ready?  #Imready #firstmonth2020 #januaryvibe

                 I’m gonna meet you in a coffee shop two shots espresso and cream I’ll feel your presence  and gleam the start of everything I’m gonna meet you in a bookshop in Rome

while reading alone you’ll start with hello ill hear your voice and ill know… our conversations will flow just like the movies, u know? im gonna meet you under a Joshua tree while learning Japanese or doing yoga in the park ill be the girl with the loud sneeze ill lose my balance bump your knee and catch you smiling at me im gonna meet you in Kalamazoo while on a canoe we’ll chat about our childhoods  watching zoboomafoo  and right when you tell me you play the kazoo ill suddenly pull myself closer to you

it'll be an undenied connection right when I’m least expecting no chasin’ no rejection just insatiable affection deep reflection

I've rediscovered hope no longer feeling low the future is uncertain Full of pain  and full of growth

resilience boldness  newfound wholeness becoming the best of me  finding self-sufficiency  endless feasibilities pulsing electricity the future is plentiful   full of possibilities

I removed the mindset of scarcity replaced it with abundance dropped the lackluster choices  and the emotional numbness

I’m gonna meet you in my own backyard or maybe a dark hipster bar  don’t matter how close or far I’m gonna meet you

---

It's not always easy to go out to these open mics and meet people and overcome my anxiety and not know how to sing or play music.  Yes, I occasionally read poems about things that are vulnerable and hard to talk about, but honestly, I do it because its all I have left. A little bit of joy in the midst of the struggle. Navigating the monotony of a 9-5, craving the moments where I feel alive, and I have a bit of connection.

It's not always easy to be around people whose artistry you respect on such a high level, and sometimes I leave feeling insignificant.

I'm a writer, but sometimes I get sick of the silence.  

I'm trying to grow as a person...learn new things. Picking up a few things on guitar. Going to the gym. Little things.

Trying to just be a happier person.

Sometimes I hibernate.. sometimes it all becomes too much.

But it's a cycle, sometimes up and down.

When I look back, I realize I've many beautiful people through consistently exposing myself. I may not play or hold a tune, but I can carry a conversation, keep my ears open and vibe to the music.

For now, that’s enough.   For now, that is more than enough. 🎶🌟

Refocused energy Collided plates.  Lost without a cause Heart begins to quake Weak from the burden of unrequited love Fought for freedom  Rose above

I was delusional, or so you say.. I just loved hard Did not come to play I’m thankful my feelings have gone astray... Now being alone is child’s play You told me the truth I felt insane Kept pondering why you didn’t feel the same A cycle of self-hatred cycled in my brain fowl and slain... confidence drained. 

I forgive you baby.. you became my rush I forgive you baby... I lost my touch... I forgive you baby I was in love...  I forgive you.

Today, I thank you for every cruel word you said Now, I fall into my strength instead  It wasn’t you... It was me. I loved you hard And now I’m free. 

And that is what healing feels like

And every though you’re long gone

I still love you from afar

thousands of miles can manifest as thousands of wishes

That you’re well and happiness will occur for you

I said things I regret and I’m sorry

You said things that destroyed me…I forgive you

I’m moving on with my life and discovering where the map leads from here

That you were just a destination I was grateful to explore