Hi, IM BACK!!! I hope yall missed me. Sorry, I was gone for so long, I had a medical emergency, will be getting surgery soon so wish me good luck on that! I hope yall are still interested in this story. A lot of people seemed to like the To Hell and Back series, so thank you for the support, it really makes me smile. This is kind of a filler chapter so I hope that’s okay.
This was an original idea thought up by @shelikesloki. So thank you so much for the recommendation. If you have any suggestions/requests or want me to write a specific idea then feel free to ask, my dms and asks are open, but for now here’s part 4! Part 5 will be up tomorrow. PLEASE give me some suggestions of what you want to see! This series spans across the beginning of season 8.
Concept from @shelikesloki: After overhearing Morgan and Reid speaking about Maeve, Y/n has trouble with the idea that she’s missed her chance with Spencer. But after the team helps save Maeve, will Reid and Maeve even work out?
☾
The stalker was a woman JJ had decided when she’d noticed black eyeliner had been used to draw the crosses through Maeve’s face. That’d been why she’d masked her voice on the phone, why Maeve had been so willing to open her home to her. The only question left had been how the stalker had known about Maeve and spencer's… relationship. When Spencer had noticed that Maeve’s ex fiancé, Bobby Putnam’s (a former suspect in her disappearance), current girlfriend had identified Spencer upon first meeting without being introduced to him.
Standing in Bobby’s apartment wasn’t as upsetting, glass from what looked to be a bottle littered the dining room floor, a small pool of blood left in the middle of it. Compared to the state of Maeve’s apartment, it seemed that the unsub had had a normal conversation which abruptly turned violent again, a running trait it seemed.
Diane Huntington had appeared to be a fake name, her entire identity had been preplanned, she’d listed a fake address and used a burner phone to contact Bobby. With no trails to lead off of now, we’d had to work off of Spencer’s mind, details he’d subconsciously remembered throughout their interactions that could point us in the direction of the unsub,
☾
We’d just started talking about the possibilities of the stalker being a former lover of Maeve’s when my phone had buzzed for the fifteenth time that day. Gritting my teeth and setting my jaw, I removed myself from my chair, offering a quick apology, before making my way out into the hallway before flipping my phone open.
“What, Tony?!” I’d whisper screamed as I made my way for the stairwell.
“Been bugging you that much, has he?” The familiar voice on the other end of the phone chuckled.
“Gibbs,” I breathed, “Sorry, I’ve been busy.”
“Too busy to pick up a call for the past three months?” My former boss mumbled. The door to the stairwell groaned as I closed it behind me and inhaled deeply.
“Things have been… hectic lately.”
“Well, I’ll say,” his tone came out rough, annoyed.
“Is this about the case Tony mentioned, cause I really can't get in the middle of that right now, I’m swamped and-”
“No, no, we got that fixed up,” he reassured, “That’s actually what I was calling about, Tony mentioned your case.” I suppressed a bitter comment as I listened, of course Tony had mentioned it, I’d expect nothing less. “Is there anything we can do?” He asked.
“I don't even know if there’s anything WE can do. We’ve got no leads right now, I’m worried she won't make it, Gibbs,” I started. Gibbs had always been a father figure to me and my old coworkers. That’d been part of the reason I’d been hesitant to speak to him, once you started talking, it was hard to stop. He had that effect on people, it’s what made him so good at his job. “I’ve never seen him like this over a girl… over anyone really.” Bitterness seeped through my body once again.
“Really, y/n, we can be there in the morning, say the word and we’ll consult,” Gibbs tried.
“You don't understand, “ I tried to explain. “The section chief doesn't even want us on the case. It was hard enough to convince Strauss to keep us on, considering we’re too close to the victim. It’s a conflict of interest. Getting the okay to have you consult would be impossible, you're not a current profiler, you're not in the unit.” I finished.
We sat there for a moment before he broke the silence, “I understand.” I paced the stairwell platform nervously as I waited for his next words, the team already noticed my absence, making it any longer would be a problem.
“Y/n, are you okay?” He asked. I didn’t know how to respond for a moment, Gibbs didn't indulge in conversations about feelings often, or hardly ever. But if Penelope had noticed how I felt for Spencer, surely Gibbs had too. My voice broke as I tried to keep my composure, “I don't know what to do, this will ruin him. I don’t know how to watch that, to watch him break, Gibbs.” My throat felt like it was closing. “How do I sit by when we know the probabilities of how this will end? And even if it doesn't end badly,” my mind raced as I struggled to put my thoughts into words. “How do I sit across from him day after day knowing how I feel?” I knew I was being selfish, this wasn’t about me, I needed to stay present to stay focused. Thinking of the future was a bad idea currently. Heat flooded my cheeks as I struggled to regain my composure.
“Kid,” Gibbs’ voice came out softer, “You can’t think like that, you have a job to do. You can't worry about those things while remaining helpful to your team.”
“I know…” I struggled to find the right words, “I just can't think of anything else.”
“Listen, if it really becomes too much, you can take some time off, or- or you can come work for us again. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that actually,” His voice trailed off towards the end, my head cocked as I registered his words.
“Gibbs, I-” He cut me off before I could finish.
“I don't need an answer now, we just-” He was struggling as much as I was, that must’ve been the reason he’d asked Tony to call, so he wouldn’t have to be the one to ask. “We want you back, kid.”
I was silent as I thought it over. Could I really leave him like that, after going through one of the worst things imaginable? As his best friend, could I really leave in his time of need, just to avoid watching him suffer? I didn’t think I could, in general, saying no to Spencer was hard, let alone when he was in pain. But if she survived, could I really face that either? The past few weeks had been hard enough, and I’d known nothing about her. Now I knew what she looked like, I knew her history, I knew her achievements, I knew what they’d talked about. He deserved his best friend, but would I be able to be the friend he needed? To be able to focus on my work everyday with a picture of her sat atop his desk? To lay it all aside? To potentially meet her one day? To attend their wedding? My stomach turned once more.
“It’s just an option,” He muttered in response to my silence.
“Yeah, I’ll think about it, Gibbs. Thank you,” I said, checking my watch for the time. “I’ve gotta go, I’m sorry.” I said as I opened the staircase door.
“Stay safe, okay?”
“Always.” She promised, “Tell Abby I said hi,” I smiled as I imagined the perky forensic scientist’s reaction.
“Will do,” he chuckled.
okay, that’s part 4, and like always, i hope it didn’t disappoint. and if it did then, again, that’s chill too. sorry it took so long. and again if you have any suggestions or recommendations just ask, and if you want to be tagged in part 5, let me know! part 5 will be up tomorrow. have a beautiful day loves :)
Thanks again @shelikesloki
tags for those who asked, if you want to be tagged or untagged just lmk. <3
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Hi, IM BACK!!! I hope yall missed me. Sorry, I was gone for so long, needed to take a break. I hope yall are still interested in this story. A lot of people seemed to like the To Hell and Back series, so thank you for the support, it really makes me smile. This is kind of a filler chapter so I hope that's okay. This was an original idea thought up by @shelikesloki. So thank you so much for the recommendation. If you have any suggestions/requests or want me to write a specific idea then feel free to ask, my dms and asks are open, but for now here’s part 3! Part 4 will be up tomorrow. PLEASE give me some suggestions of what you want to see! This series spans across the beginning of season 8.
Concept from @shelikesloki: After overhearing Morgan and Reid speaking about Maeve, Y/n has trouble with the idea that she’s missed her chance with Spencer. But after the team helps save Maeve, will Reid and Maeve even work out?
☾
Maeve. Her name was Maeve. It’d been almost an hour since Spencer had come to the team, I sat, my eyes fixated on the ground. I’d never noticed the way the floor was installed, how each tile worked to make the shape of a diamond, how the light glinted against it. The fade in and out of the voices around me did nothing to comfort me. Logically, I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I needed to sit up, lift my eyes and work, help Spencer. But my eyes stay trained on the floor and the voices stay distant. And when my name was called and I didn’t have the energy to respond, I settled for raising my head instead. “Y/n, Morgan, JJ, check out the loft.”
☾
Raindrops pattered on the window. It was only sprinkling out, tiny droplets skewing my vision of the world outside the car. Time passed by in a blur, my eyes growing heavy with exhaustion. By the time Morgan had parked the car, I'd almost nodded off.
I winced as the sound of glass breaking under my foot, it was everywhere. Mixed with large blocks of wood that had been destroyed. The table in the middle of the room had been broken to pieces. Evidence of a struggle was displayed throughout the living room. I’d been asking a neighbor if they’d seen or heard anything unusual when I‘d heard Morgan shout. They’d already cleared the apartment, both holstering their weapons. Hopping around the glass, I surveyed the small room. Green shards of glass littered the walkway to the kitchen, a different color than the kind in the living room. I inspected what had previously been a vase most likely, running my fingertips lightly on the jagged ends.
Nausea bubbled up, threatening to spill out. This wasn’t even close to the worst of the worst when it came to crime scenes. Hell, there wasn’t even blood. I’d seen limbs torn off, bodies decayed, yet my body still bent and swayed as I stood, fighting the urge to lie down. Dread thumped along to every heartbeat. This was her home. This was where she sat when she spoke to him. I turned away, focusing on a robe hanging on her bedroom door. When the sight of that became too much, I turned to a pair of lampshades on a tabletop, closing my eyes when I imagined her standing where I was. My breathing came more evenly now. Cinnamon floated to my nose. The effects of a candle, a spray, or did she cook? Thousands of possibilities rushed through my mind on why her home looked the way it did. Organized, neat, clean, pristine if you will. Wrinkling my nose as I pushed away the thought. I need to not think right now.
☾
Every time I tuned myself back to the noise, it slowly faded within a few minutes. It was half a quarter to 4 and I was currently fighting the urge to pick up the phone. It was the fifth time Tony had called me, the buzzing in my pocket took up my focus as I trudged out of the room and slid my hand to whip the phone out. “What?” My tone was harsher than I’d intended, the voice on the other line snapped back, “What’s got you in such a good mood?”
“Very funny,” I mumbled back, “What do you need? I’m working on a case.”
“So am I, Gibbs was wondering if you’d be able to consult, and since you won't answer any of his calls, he asked me to take it up with you.”
Before the BAU, I’d worked in the NCIS, the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. We consulted with detectives on cases that involved Naval officers. My brother, Tony, had gotten me the job a couple of years before, they’d become a second family before I left. The BAU had given council on a case involving a group of Officers being targeted by a serial killer. Evan Backford had been hunting down men who reminded him of his father, and as the case got more intense, the BAU elected to join us down in D.C. After working with them, I was offered a spot on their team, and I’d taken it. Jethro Gibbs, my boss at the time, still checked in every now and then, making sure to maintain contact. I’d been avoiding him because even though he wasn’t a trained profiler, no one could read you quite like Jethro Gibbs. I could tell I’d already confused my coworkers by my shifty behavior last month after the revelation with Spencer, I didn’t need more eyes watching my every move to see if I was okay.
“I’m kinda swamped with this one, Tony,” I mumbled, fidgeting with my belt loops.
“I’m sure they can handle at least one case without you,” His voice crackled through the speaker. “It’s not like you’re the Einstein of profilers.”
“Tony, you don’t understand,” I took a quick peek over my shoulder before continuing, “This is a personal case, someone’s targeting one of us.”
I didn’t have to see him to know his demeanor had changed. “Someone’s targeting you? Were you not gonna mention that? There’s things we can do-”
“Targeting ONE of us,” I repeated, enunciating the word. “Not me specifically, someone’s been stalking Spencer and his… girlfriend,” I barely managed the word, “She’s gone missing, we're doing all we can to help.” The silence on the other side of the phone was deafening. “Spencer’s girlfriend?” I pulled my hand to my chest and wrapped it around my other arm, it was colder outside than I’d expected. “Yes, he’s been seeing someone.”
Another small silence before he responded, “This is the Spencer I met? The one who assisted with our case?”
I hesitated, Tony had met Spencer multiple times before, he was my best friend, “What other Spencer is there?” I asked. “I’m just making sure, you said she’s missing?” He asked. I rolled my eyes, “Yes, yes, missing.”
“Do they live together?”
“No, she’s been in hiding at an apartment, whole thing was trashed, signs of a struggle, the whole nine yards.”
Tony’s voice crackled through the receiver, “Any suspects?”
“Not yet, JJ thinks it's a female, we found a picture of Maeve-” I swallowed hard, I’d never said her name before. “We found this picture of her with eyeliner crossing out her head. That would explain why she let her into the apartment.”
“Does Spencer have any exes?” I shook my head as soon as he asked, “No, no, I’m pretty sure this might be his first relationship.”
Tony hummed in response, “Does she-” He was cut off by JJ’s voice behind me. Over at the exit of the building, JJ hung out the door, eyes wide as I pulled the phone away from my ear.
“We have something.” I nodded and turned away from her, bringing the phone back up to my face, “Tony, I’ve got to go.” His voice shot up in panic, “Y/n, wait.” I headed for the door, shuddering when the warm air met my skin. I pushed one finger in my other ear and strained to hear what he was saying. “Gibbs has been trying to get a hold of you and wanted me to make sure you got the message, he needs to speak to you.” JJ held the elevator at the end of the hall open and I sped walked to meet her. “Is it about the case you mentioned?” I asked.
“Yes, and no, just call him when you get the chance.”
“I’ll do what I can, Tony,” I snapped the phone shut. I turned to JJ as the elevator doors closed, “What happened?”
“We have the unsub.”
okay, that’s part 3, and like always, i hope it didn’t disappoint. and if it did then, again, that’s chill too. sorry it took so long. and again if you have any suggestions or recommendations just ask, and if you want to be tagged in part 4, let me know! part 4 will be up tomorrow. have a beautiful day loves :)
Thanks again @shelikesloki
tags for those who asked, if you want to be tagged or untagged just lmk. <3
Hi so a lot of people liked the To Hell and Back series, thank you for the support, it really makes me smile. This was an original idea thought up by @shelikesloki. So thank you so much for the recommendation. If you have any suggestions/requests or want me to write a specific idea then feel free to ask, my dms and asks are open, but for now here’s part 2! Part 3 will be up tomorrow. PLEASE give me some suggestions of what you want to see! This series spans across the beginning of season 8.
Concept from @shelikesloki: After overhearing Morgan and Reid speaking about Maeve, Y/n has trouble with the idea that she's missed her chance with Spencer. But after the team helps save Maeve, will Reid and Maeve even work out?
☾
After the unsub kidnapped a pregnant lady and removed the child from the womb, leaving both the mother and child at a hospital, the team became frantic. At this point the M.O. was non-existent. A completely different victim combined with a completely different type of crime was enough to label anyone and everyone as a potential victim.
With the idea that unsub might be trying to make up an entire family, we focused our eyes onto infants and children that could potentially be at risk. The placenta being completely scraped out of the female adult victim gave Spencer the idea that it could be linked to Placentophagy. I’d had to force myself not to leave the room once he began speaking, knowing he’d be able to pick up on it. I needed to remain friendly with him, at least for now, to avoid suspicion. He needed to think my silence still had something to do with my made up date, not my undying affection for him. “Consuming the placenta, in the wild it’s common for animals to eat their own afterbirth. It’s super rich in nutrients,” Spencer explained. I stifled a low groan in response, nausea rising as Rossi spoke, “So the unsub might have harvested this last victim… for food?”
In the end, with the sawdust present in the victim’s airways, and nothing in the profile that suggested cannibalism, and with one of the most efficient substrates for compost on the earth being sawdust, we’d discovered she’d been using her victims as human fertilizer. Emma Kerrigan, a widow who ran a small juice and vegetable stand at the farmer’s market according to Garcia, living west of town on a 100 acre farm that belonged to her late husband. She fit the profile of our unsub. I’d stayed at the office while Morgan, Hotch and Blake left to apprehend the unsub.
The flight back to Quantico was quiet, most of the team asleep. When retreating to our desks upon our return to Headquarters, JJ had filled me in on how Henry, her son, was too afraid to dress up this year, a fellow classmate had explained to him that the real monsters always came out on Halloween since they wouldn’t need to disguise themselves. I’d stopped short in my tracks, my gaze moving to Spencer unconsciously. It was Halloween. I’d been so caught up in the case that I’d missed that it was Halloween, Spencer’s favorite holiday.
Filing in our paperwork one by one, the team slowly grabbed their things, discussing their plans for tonight and getting ready to leave, JJ’s raised voice from the doorway caught my attention. “Uh- Excuse me, everybody. I have an announcement to make,” eyes fell to her figure walking towards the center of the room. I grabbed my bag and through it over my chest as I powered off my computer, turning to give her my full attention. “As I’m sure some of you are aware, Henry was a little nervous about Trick-Or-Treating this year,” she started. “But,” she lingered on the word for a moment, “He’s decided to go anyway.”
“Great, what changed his mind?” Rossi asked.
“The BAU did,” Jennifer answered, “I told him that he should go out on Halloween and try to figure out which monsters are real and which ones are not.” Warmth swept through the room slowly, Morgan being the first one to speak, “So he wants to be a profiler.” I suppressed an “awe,” as JJ held a finger up.
“Ah, he wants to be his favorite profiler.” There wasn’t time to process her words, however, before the tiny man himself walked through the door holding Penelope’s hand. Converse were the first thing I saw, mini converse. A beaming Henry wore a blue polo, a gray sweater vest tucked into his tan pants. A red tie peeked out from behind the vest, a satchel draped across his chest. I’d recognize that style anywhere. He was dressed as Spencer.
Cheers erupted from around the office, smiles replacing previous frowns as Spencer rose from his seat. “You look great, Henry!” Spencer exclaimed as the mini version of him bounded over to his desk. A laugh bubbled from my lips before I could stop it. Bending down to the boy’s height, Reid pulled his identification card for the office from his sweater, mumbling to Henry as he attached it to him, “Put this on here.” Henry stood still as Spence clicked it on, looking down to inspect it.
“Now it’s official,” Morgan called from the back of the room. Penelope stood just behind the scene, taking a step forward and bending down to whisper in Henry’s ear, “Tell him.” Without hesitation Henry turned to Spencer, smiling before he spoke, “E equals MC squared.” His voice came out softly, Reid’s eyes crinkled, his mouth making an “o” shape. Morgan’s head threw back, he let out a deep laugh, “There it is!” He exclaimed. It was impossible to hide the giggles now, I couldn’t fight a grin as Spencer raised his hand for a high five.
“The monster’s don't stand a chance,” Blake smirked.
Spencer stood, looking over his shoulder to me. My smile faltered. Just for a moment. But that didn’t stop him from noticing. My eyes burned, misty eyed I stood as a thought echoed in my mind. He’ll be a lovely father. That was all it took, five little words to bend my frame, to sink my heart. A warm liquid trailed down my cheek, I turned away from the team as I touched a hand to my cheek. I hadn't noticed I’d begun crying. I was out of the room before I could comprehend my own movements.
☾
The sound of heels clicking on the floor stopped my sob. “Y/n?” A set of black glittery pumps stopped outside of my stall. “I know you’re in there, are you okay?” Penelope’s voice echoed off the walls. “Did you eat something bad? Cause I saw you run and I’ve got a bottle of Pepto-” She stopped short in the middle of her sentence as I opened the stall door.
There was no point in pretending I hadn’t been crying, she’d stay outside until I left to make sure I was okay, and she’d notice my face at some point.
“What happened?” Her voice came out higher than normal, her mouth agape as she stepped back so I could leave the stall. Her wide eyes followed mine as I stepped toward the sink, resting my hands on the cold countertop. My face was blotchy and red, deep bags had formed under my eyes from the lack of sleep. My nose bright ruby. My cheeks were soaked wet, my lips and eyelids swollen as I turned the faucet on. I let my eyes fall to the water in my hands as I washed them, looking in the mirror just made me feel worse, more small and weak than I already felt. I leaned my head down and felt Penelope’s fingertips gliding through my hair, pulling my hair back as I washed the tears off my cheeks. She waited in silence as I turned the faucet off, pulling paper towels out of the dispenser to dry my face. Finally when I’d recovered what little pride I had, I spun to look at her.
I was surprised to find her eyes understanding and calm, rather than wide and expectant. I struggled to find the words, “It’s just- I can’t- I don't know how to-”
“It’s him, isn’t it?” She asked. Heat flowed into my cheeks as I responded, running a hand through my hair, “It’s who?”
“Spencer.”
There was no point in lying, and who was I kidding anyways? I needed someone. My words choked in my throat so I nodded instead. Arms enveloped me as another sob broke through my chest. heaving, I held my hands together to force them to stop shaking. A numbness set through my body, starting first at my legs and then rising upward. I slumped forward into her arms, my eyes shut tight as a strangled groan leapt from my lips.
I’m not sure how long we sat like that before I pulled back, reminding myself that standing in heels was difficult and Penelope was probably having a hard time right now. I muttered apologies to no avail. Pushing my hair out of my face, I couldn’t keep eye contact with her. “He’s- he’s so happy and- and-”
“And you’re stuck crying in a public bathroom,” she finished for me. “You know about her, don't you?” Her voice was low, controlled, whereas mine broke apart with every sentence.
I worked to keep my composure, “Seeing him with Henry,” I hiccupped, “He‘s going to be such a great father, and not that I ever thought of him as mine, but-”
“You wanted that future with him?” Penelope made this easier, I wasn’t the best at talking through my emotions, she knew when I couldn’t find the right words.
“But now it’s hers. Her future. And I know I never acted on how I felt, but knowing it’s completely off the table now- I don’t know how I’m going to sit across from him everyday,” I was rambling with no endpoint now, so I let my voice fall quiet and stared at the grout between the tiles as Penelope draped a hand over my shoulder. “You could take time off, come back when you’re ready, when you’ve made peace with it?” She suggested.
“I don't know if I can make peace with it. He deserves his best friend and I just don't know how to go back to that,” I sniffled.
“Love, you deserve happiness too, you shouldn’t have to suffer just to make it easier for him,” she said.
It was silent for a moment before a thought entered my head. “How did you know it was Spencer?” Penelope rolled her eyes before giving a smile, “Oh come all the talk about letting yourself get hurt, and the cold shoulder to Spencer? It doesn’t take a profiler to pick up on it. Besides who could’ve missed you fawning over him for the past 6 years?” She giggled. I smiled at that.
“You know he hasn’t even told me about her? I’m his best friend and he didn’t tell me,” I chuckled.
“Oh, call the churches, what ever will we do?” She teased.
☾
I made it out of the bathroom 15 minutes later. Penelope had supplied concealer to cover the redness in my face but there was no covering the swollen lips and eyes. Penelope figured no one would notice and for the most part, no one did. When I emerged to the lobby of our building I found most of the team still there surprisingly, still discussing the plans for dinner. JJ and Henry had already left, along with Hotch taking leave to go see his son. Rossi and Morgan however, had taken seats in the benches to the right.
“Hey, mama, where’ve you been, we’ve been waiting on you,” Morgan called as soon as Garcia was in view. “We had some girly issues,” she replied, she’d been smart to leave it at that, Derek immediately backs away from the topic, wrapping an arm over Penelope’s shoulder as he walks toward the parking lot. Feeling someone’s eyes watching me, I scan my surroundings before I notice brown eyes watching me. I know he picked up on what happened earlier, but he doesn’t mention it as he strides forward. “We’re going to head to JJ’s for the Halloween party, I figured I’d ask if you wanted to go too?” He asked, pursing his lips. I nodded, pulling my coat on as we started for the lot.
He pulled the door open for me and I gave a small smile in response. I was done trying to distance myself. This was going to hurt no matter what, and frankly I wasn’t sure I could manage without my best friend. He wasn’t mine, he never was. And I’d just have to deal with that. “Spence?” He hummed in return, the group was only a couple feet away, getting into their cars as he walked me to mine. “About Comic Con,” his eyes lit up as the words left my lips, “Still have those tickets?”
okay that’s part 2, and like always, i hope it didn’t disappoint. and if it did then, again, that’s chill too. and again if you have any suggestions or recommendations just ask, and if you want to be tagged in part 3, let me know! part 3 will be up tomorrow. have a beautiful day loves :)
Hi so a lot of people liked the To Hell and Back series, thank you for the support, it really makes me smile. This was an original idea thought up by @shelikesloki. So thank you so much for the recommendation. If you have any suggestions/requests or want me to write a specific idea then feel free to ask, my dms and asks are open, but for now here’s part 1! Part 2 is probably already up. PLEASE give me some suggestions of what you want to see! This series spans across the beginning of season 8.
Concept from @shelikesloki: After overhearing Morgan and Reid speaking about Maeve, Y/n has trouble with the idea that she's missed her chance with Spencer. But after the team helps save Maeve, will Reid and Maeve even work out?
☾
Breathless. That’s how I’d describe it. Like the air’s been sucked from my lungs, leaving me empty, dry, gasping. The rest of their conversation fades, I’m not even able to process that Morgan’s sitting back next to me until he offers me a peanut. I don't notice my head shaking until he’s already turned back to the window, my eyes trained on the page beneath me. Legs made of jelly support me as I stand and make my way to the bathroom, my lips hard pressed into a line. Logically, I know my eyes shouldn’t sting. I know my breathing shouldn’t come unevenly. How can I grieve losing someone who was never mine? My eyes meet the reflection in the mirror, willing her lips to stop quivering.
Running a hand through my hair, Morgan's words too loud in my head, “If you’ve got somebody new in your life to talk to, I’d just like to know who she is.” I shouldn’t have been listening to their conversation to begin with, but Spencer had been so off the past few weeks. Secretive, constantly leaving the group, as my best friend, I wanted to know what was wrong. We’d come to a block in the case, confused on where to go next to find the unsub, and he’d come back from a drive with a major break. I’d assumed Blake and him had been brainstorming. Morgan had continued as my breathing hitched, “Cause she’s got to be one hell of a woman to keep up with you.” I’d come undone by three little words, “Who told you?” Spencer had confirmed. Hands that didn’t feel like they belonged to me shook as they fumbled for the phone in my back pocket, dialing the only number I could think of.
☾
“Still not gonna tell me what this is about?” I suppressed a sigh, tilting my head to meet Penelope’s waiting gaze. “No idea what you’re talking about,” a forced smile made its way to my lips. Penelope’s hands folded over her themselves, “Listen,” she started. “I will always be up for slushies from a sketchy gas station, and I don’t mind taking your mind off of whatever it is,” she gestured wildly with her hands. “But you cannot just call me crying and expect me not to worry,”
“I know, I know-”
“No, I am not finished speaking,” She held a finger up. “Y/n, I love you so much, I would do anything for you and you know that,” Penelope took a deep breath. “And if it's really too much to talk about, I will understand, believe me. But I need to at least know that no one did this to you.”
I let out a sigh, “Are you done?” She nodded, curls bouncing as she did so. “No one hurt me,” I hesitated, thinking it over. “I hurt myself,” that might be a better way to put it, it’s not Spencer’s fault that I never initiated anything the past six years. I allowed myself to get attached, that’s my problem to deal with, not his. It wouldn’t be right to cast the blame onto him. “I let myself get hurt, I let it happen. It’s no one’s fault but my own,” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Now if you don't mind, I’d like to drink my slushie before it melts,” I added, slipping the straw into my mouth.
A hand found its way to mine and squeezed lightly, Penelope’s eyes wide over her glasses as she spoke, “You know I’ve always got you, right Y/n?” My response got caught in my throat, so I offered a small nod instead, placing a hand over hers. For a brief moment we sat there, both looking down at the table, before Penelope sat back and fumbled for her car keys. “So, what are we watching, Legally Blonde or Clueless?”
☾
Emotions complicated things. Emotions weren’t trustworthy. They were irrational and got in the way most of the time. It was irrational to act as if Spencer was the only man I’d ever care for. It was irrational to dwell over him when he was happy with someone else. It was irrational to be upset over someone I’d never even dated. I reminded myself of this when I walked into work Monday morning. So Spencer would never know how I felt, was that really the worst thing in the world? That meant there was no room for rejection, no room for the complications of working together might bring, no room for the inevitable downfall of our friendship if things went awry. I reminded myself that this was a blessing, not a curse. But as I caught a glimpse of the back of his head upon walking to my desk, a sharp burst of pain straight to my heart reminded me I’d never actually be able to see it that way.
As soon as my bottom hit the seat he was turning around in his hair, “Y/n,” a smile graced his face. Keeping my expression in check, I nodded in his direction, turning to my screen. The sound of wheels rolling against the vinyl flooring was shortly accompanied by Spencer rolling into view to my left, tapping lightly on the desk when I kept my eyes on my computer. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I examined the bags under his eyes, he must have had a long night. I shook my head lightly to get the picture of who he might have spent it with out of my mind.
“I’ve got two tickets to Comic Con this Sunday, I thought maybe Star Trek characters might be a nice team up costume?” He held the tickets up as he spoke. I reminded myself how much easier it would be to work through my feelings at a distance.
“I’m sure that will be fun,” my voice coming out more monotone than I’d intended. He continued on, “It just depends on who we choose to be. Spock might be a little too obvious so I was thinking maybe Kor-”
“I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun,” I cut in. His head jerked back, his eyes narrowing, “You're not going?” He asked, his eyes incredulous. When I responded only with silence he leaned in closer, “We go every year, it’s tradition.”
“I have something this Sunday,” I said, working hard not to itch my shoulder. Lying always made me itch, Spencer said it was my tell, I moved around too much when I was dishonest to him. With anyone else I could lie easily, but Spencer made things difficult in every aspect. I gripped my leg tight as I ignored the urge to push my hair behind my ear and guilt trickled in when his eyes dropped from mine.
“What could you possibly have scheduled for on Sunday, it’s the one day we reserve,” He asked, taking his bottom lip in between his teeth. Heat rushed into my cheeks, so he could keep secrets from me but I wasn’t allowed any privacy? Anger dripped through me like white hot liquid, irrational or not, he was hurting me and I was trying to save us both the grief of my little crush getting worse. I regretted my excuse as soon as it passed my lips, “A date.” My voice had been harsher than necessary, the effect was visceral. His jaw clenched, gulping as he pushed away from the desk. I’d snapped at Spencer before, while tired from a case, while hungry, but I’d always had a reason for it, now I had none to give him.
“Something bothering you?” He asked, brows furrowed. Yes, you. You’re making this so much harder than it has to be. I smoothed my face, “No, I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now,” I let my eyes fall back over my computer, watching in my peripheral vision as he didn’t move. Eventually a minute or two later I heard the sound of wheels rolling again and his presence faded out of view. He didn’t deserve that, he deserves to be happy, snapping at him wasn’t fair. But was staying close to him worth losing myself?
☾
I shouldn’t have been surprised by a new case with Halloween so close, four men from rural Oregon had gone missing, bodies yet to be found, and with the latest victim, Terry Rodgers, police were calling us in. With no forensic evidence, no witnesses and no ransom demands, we had almost nothing to work with. But with 4 sudden disappearances in a community so small and no sense of a stop in deaths and the time between each abduction getting consistently shorter, they needed all the help they could get.
With no apparent overlap in the victims, it seemed the unsub was choosing victims at random. After the flight to Oregon I remained all too aware of Reid’s eyes on me during the investigation. Keeping my distance from him remained harder than I’d expected. After Hotch had insisted that I join him and JJ on checking out the latest victim’s cabin, I’d offered my help to Hotch and Rossi with the abduction site, and surprisingly they’d taken it.
The abduction sight didn’t show much, two sets of car tracks, vomit from the victim signs of a veer off the road. He’d either been forced off the road or had gotten sick. With elevated levels of Melatonin in his lab results it was no wonder why he’d become so ill.
Shortly after our visit the second victim, Barry Deaver’s car had been found impounded, found abandoned in a rural spot three weeks prior. By the time Rodger’s body was found in a bank the entire team had been back together. With only ligature marks, it was clear no obvious violent methods of torture had been taken against the victim. He’s been sedated and drowned, and I’d kept my head down as Spencer and Morgan discussed this. Retreating next to JJ when Reid had wandered next to my side. Due to the nature of the killing, we’d reassessed the unsub, we were now looking for a woman.
Delivering the profile was harder than expected, up to this point of the investigation I’d simply stayed away from Spencer in the physical sense, leaving the room when he entered, working solely with the rest of the team members when on the case. But being forced to stay in the same room with him posed a new set of challenges. Before I’d figure out what was going on, I’d managed to slip back into old habits, standing too close, offering small smiles when he’d finished speaking to make sure he knew someone was listening to him. It was so easy to forget when I was around him, so easy to act like nothing was wrong.
All the men had been fathers in some capacity, the only link maybe, but it still told us what we needed to know about the unsub. While discussing the autopsy Spencer had come to the conclusion that it’d be a good idea to steal me away after his call with Rossi.
“Did I say something wrong?” He asked in the hallway. After pretending I didn’t hear him didn’t work, I turned my head to avoid his eyes as we walked, “What do you mean?” He was silent for a moment, only the clicking of our shoes echoing off the walls.
“Y/n, I think you know what I mean,” he said, exasperation filling his voice. “How do you figure?” I asked, picking up speed.
”Y/n, please.” His fingertips find my shoulders and my feet fall short, stopping in place. His brown eyes are wide, alert as he fumbles for his words, “You’re- You’re ignoring me when I talk to you, or- or completely walking away. You’re snappy. The thing with comic con. You were fine during the profile and then back in the morgue?”
“What did I do wrong during the autopsy?” My voice comes out more whiny than I’d like.
“You’re cold and distant, like the flip of a coin, is it something I’m saying, or doing, or-“ Guilt gnaws at me before I can let him finish. “Spencer, I’m just tired,” but he glanced down at my fidgeting hands and returned to my eyes with a disbelieving look. I force my hands to my sides, I need an excuse, a reason for my hostility.
“My date cancelled.” He pressed his lips into a hard line, his eyebrows raising. “Oh,” he breathes. “Yeah,” the silence makes my hands twitch upwards, I’m going to have to make it believable, he’s a profiler for Christ sake. Lord forgive me for what I’m about to do. I widen my eyes and lower them to the floor, fake solemnness playing on the corners of my lips, “I found out before I came into the office. I lied, it’s not still on, I just didn’t want to explain.” I make my stature feel small, it’s easy to do so, to look weak like a little girl. It makes me uncomfortable, unnatural. I’ve spent my entire life trying to prove that I’m not that. My stomach stirs, lying to Spencer isn’t easy, let alone consciously trying to manipulate him, but my tactic works. The way he shifts back and mirrors my uncomfortable posture proves he doesn’t know how to respond.
“I didn’t mean to-“ “Oh, I know,” I cut him off, “I’d just rather not talk about it if that’s okay.” He nods once, sliding a foot backwards and I take this as my cue to walk forward, leading down the hallway.
okay that’s part 1, and like always, i hope it didn’t disappoint. and if it did then, again, that’s chill too. and again if you have any suggestions or recommendations just ask, and if you want to be tagged in part 2, let me know! part 2 is probably already up. have a beautiful day loves :)
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Can’t believe there’s actually some dumbasses looking at this Astroworld tragedy and being like “it’s astounding how there’s no empathy in the younger generation”
What the fuck. How the FUCK did y’all see Travis Scott on a literal tower encouraging violence while watching dead bodies be carried out and go “hm, must be the young people at it again”.
Yeah, there were shitty fucking people jumping on the ambulance (incited and encouraged by Travis Shithead Scott). Yeah, there were people still dancing. But do you seriously think every single person in that crowd simultaneously knew what was happening? The people in the crowd were all eye level, only the ones closest to the site of the casualties would have known what was really happening because TRAVIS SCOTT DID NOT STOP THE GODDAMN CONCERT. Even the people jumping on the ambulance likely did not know the full gravity of the situation. The one person with the power to get everyone’s attention at that very moment did NOTHING.
That’s NOT a fucking generational problem. Stop trying to save some shitty rich person from facing the consequences of their actions by blaming people who were literally just in the crowd. All of you out here being like “gee those young kids these days don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves” need to shut the fuck up. If you’re really that upset by the crowds response, why aren’t you fucking incensed by how Travis Scott acted, which was hands down a billion times worse? Why arent you tweeting or posting about him, but rather the people in the crowd? Hm?
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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