Beep

talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”

is your dad an ex-assassin

This is Us is back which means I’m officially back into white suburban mom mode…..catch me playing candy crush and posting about my workout schedule on Facebook

Dunno if bobbing the teabag actually helps the tea steep faster but it sure is fun to feel a part of something

it’s not a real party until you sneak away to the bathroom to question your existence as you stare at yourself in the mirror haha

i like when you’re in the grocery store and you see people buying eggs because they always pick up the carton and then open it like it’s a metal briefcase full of cash involved in a drug deal and they’re confirming it’s money. “don’t bother counting it, it’s all there. 12.” then they always pick one up and inspect it like, “yeah, it’s grade A alright…the real deal.” 

People are checking to see if any of the eggs are cracked you walnut

Tbh, I always saw my mom check the eggs in the carton and for the longest time I didn’t know why and everytime I went out and bought eggs I’d copy her because that’s what everyone does, open the carton. So I’d always just end up staring at an open carton of eggs in the grocery store thinking “Yes. These are eggs”. And I’d buy them.