She-is-water

I don't care....I honestly don't care (at this particular moment) if anyone likes me or what I do, is annoyed by me...whatever.

Fokof, jy's dom....

I have spent many years worried and concerned. Now, totally unburdened. I am Khaleesi without the dragons and the hair...and well everything else. But I have spirit.

I am a fuel filled energiser bunny who wants to fucking dance and not care. I want to be free! Possibly try to fly...but physics, you know. I guess sheer determination isn't enough sometimes.

However, physics does not control this little 1.53m tall firecracker. Watch me bitches...I am coming (un-dramatically and possibly far less theatrical than I would wish) btw...yes, I am now making my own words because... Chardonnay.

Being "different" was never a choice. The last two months have been intense...in fact the most intense my life has ever been.

There has been a fundamental shift in my identity. From the one that was carefully curated for the world to the constantly evolving self acceptance that has taken over my world. I see myself differently - clearly, honestly and without judgement. The self critic has been exiled and in its place a presence of curiosity and understanding has taken its place.

I have realised, I will forever be different. Apart. Not the same. Not in any special way. I am a circle that tried to force itself into a triangle cut out as a child. I am a circle that tried to force itself through a rectangle cutout as an adult. But....I am a circle and I don't want to fit through those cutouts anymore.

I want to see people for who they are, not for who they present themselves as or what other people see them as. Ironically, I know that very few people will see me, fully. Not because I'm special but because my world is different in a way most don't understand.

The fog has gone.

I am not an artist

I am not a make up artist

I am not trained

I am not trying to perform

I am not seeking attention or approval

What I am trying to do is express mood and emotion. Sometimes it looks good and other times it looks like a poor attempt. I'm still learning technique, method and flow. Not to be an expert with amazing visual displays but to express what is inside as much as I can in a way that I want to.

I use music because I don't listen to music, I feel it. Pairing my expression with music is my way of attempting to help the image speak - give it life and help it come alive. Yes, it looks like I'm trying to recreate Instagram. Truth be told the Instagram post design is perfect for what I want to do. BUT I don't want the likes count, the number of views pushed in your face. The push and pull of what you are doing is being liked and viewed but it isn't good enough..... I don't care. I don't want to see it. I want engagement in the way you would speak to a painter about what you see in their painting and they would tell you what their inspiration or intention was.

In truth, I have no real connections but I've started building them of late.

Tumblr is my refuge. A place where I can be somewhat anonymous. I'm sure if someone went looking for the real me, they would find me somewhere.

Tumblr is the place without previous connections. No one with preconceived ideas of who and what I am. Just a fresh introduction to what I want to do and a place where I can hopefully share my thoughts freely, no matter how boring, deep, personal or unhinged.

I hope that this community with its unique souls can give me a space where judgement is optional - not required.

I see artists, philosophers, lovers and visionaries....and some very quirky and playful people. I'm starting to feel at home here but very disconnected.

#selfexpression

What if people think this is ugly?

Avert thine eyes lest the pixels corrupt thee.