I think the hardest thing for people to understand about me is that I’m incredibly emotional. Emotions are me. I am emotions. It’s just idk, I’m just scrolling through past friends I’ve had in high school and I’m thinking. Wow. Time has flown by. This is my second year out of high school. Everyone is going around, traveling to places and actually living a life. Whereas I’m still trying to create mine. That’s where I get emotional and I start thinking of every single memory I have of these people. The interactions with these people. I have strong connections with each of them. I never thought I had. The chance of meeting them is amazing. But seeing them living their life, I just. I wanna be there with them ya know. Not physically, but like, idk. Just knowing and seeing how the progress through their life. I wanna know their story. God I’m obsessed with the stories of other people. But I feel like it’s because I don’t have a story of my own. Well it feels like I don’t. I know i do. It’s rather uninteresting. Maybe it’ll get better. But I see my classmates and it’s just like. Damn, everyone has just spread out in this world and became literally just another face. It’s crazy. Idk I’m not making sense lmao but whatever. My thoughts though
It’s funny how like 5 years later. Reading this. I still sort of feel the same. It’s more now of. Okay, I know these people. I’m glad they’re doing what they’re doing with themselves. It’s cool to see but what am I going to do with MYSELF?
Like, I’ve actually came quite a long way since this post. I was working at subway still. Only making probably $11.25 at the time. I believe that was minimum wage at the time. To then maybe 4 years later becoming the manager of a subway. That was exhausting and probably the best.. worst decision of my life. Lmao. It honesty helped me get to the Bank job I have today. And I bought my first ever car with my own money. I also live on my own.. kind of
I tend to forget everything that i have and are only reminded when I see things like this. Like I’m grateful for the place I’m at right now. I even have a boyfriend lol coming up on a year. Like I feel like of low right now cuz money is tight already and I’m not spending it wisely. But I feel like everything else. It has kind came into line. It’s just wow. I like hearing stories of other people. But I’ve had to work on my own. I still don’t know where I’m headed but I’m trying so hard to get up.
I found this again, and I guess now I feel obligated to update this. Peoples and their stories don’t interest me much anymore. Yeah it’s cool to see what everyone is doing now with their lives. But now, I could see them and think. “Wow, good for them” or “oh god, what did they do.” But that’s about it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, whom I should treat better. I have that bank job still and I’ve ranked up a few positions with only being involved here for about a year and a half now. We own a home. Our own place to live. I think Ive finally got the hang of budgeting as well. It’s crazy. To read these past posts and remember how much farther I’ve gotten since I last typed those words. It’s crazy to think that I could be even further down the path I’m constantly creating for myself. And to think if more people join, then so be it. I mean I could always use more friends lol but I think I’ve done quite a bit for myself and I’m realizing how much I’ve actually done, and I think that makes me a bit happier
it is November 7th, 2024. two days after the infamous election. Trump won and there's no telling what how things could play out. But that's just a tiny update on the date of which i'm writing this. it's been two years since i last updated this and tbh im kind of struggling. I'm still with the bank and in an even better position than before. We still have the house but with some hiccups that could've changed. we've managed to work through them thankfully. But i am very lonely. I have my boyfriend yes but that's all i have. A lot of which is partly my fault as i push certain people away or i cut them off entirely because they were no good. but its just a very lonely space now. I never was able to go back to school because i accrued a lot of debt i needed to work on. i sort of have a grip on it now but its still lingering more than i would like. i am currently in a spot where i feel stuck. unmotivated and a little bit depressed because i feel as though i could do more. be more. i just don't know how to get there. since covid i've gained so much weight which really has effected me and i was able to lose 30 pounds only to then get sick for 6 months and gain it all back. To be quite honest, im so tired of thinking. I have to think about how much food im intaking, how much of it is protein or carbs or fat or high in sugar or low in cholesterol. i have to think about how much i worked out and how much calories i have left to eat or lose. i have to consistently think of solutions to problems i never created because some people in my life seem to not understand the gravity of their actions and if i don't at least help them, im the bad guy. Im lonely and exhausted. i don't smoke much anymore if at all and i never was one to drink a lot, so i never really have much of a chance to meet people. im too socially anxious to go out alone now, even though i used to go out to restaurants alone. i would try online spaces to find some people to talk to but the most they want is nudes and they can care less if i'm in a relationship. the gay community is so toxic with relationships and expects everyone to be open. As someone who would rather get to know people than anything else. it's sad that all anyone wants is to get in your pants. what happened to being friends, i feel like that doesn't exist anymore. oh well. this is my update and as sad as it is, im still holding onto hope that it will get better.
