the sum of my feelings

I love so strongly

But it's not what people seem to describe

When they speak of love

Of real, strong love

I love so deeply

But i can't fathom being a soulmate

No amount of imagination can make me

See myself as unselfish enough to commit

See myself as grounded enough to trust

Maybe it's a control issue

A need to learn to let go

And let people see all of me

And trust that they would see me

And choose to be kind

I'm tender on the surface

I'm tender inside

But there's a hard barrier

Between my soul and my flesh

It's been conditioned

By unkind people

And by those who mistook

Cruelty for kindness

And now it decides

For good or for bad

Who i can be

Who i can trust

I should write poetry on being an antithesis

Proud of french and saying so in english

Oh so much of an eldest daughter but also not a daughter at all

Always told i was brilliant, a genius, if only I'd apply myself

Because of course when I was being "stupid" or slow it was my own laziness.

I am simultaneously extremely kind and petty with the secrets I know.

A bisexual disappointed when they like a man..

They say opposites attract,

The new episodes came out with inclusivity and trans people.

No long Exposé talks.

Just reflections of reality...

Donna loving her daughter,

Her daughter being named Rose,

Donna remembering her daughter expressing finally being herself.

My dad scoffed at that,

Saying it got disneyfied and that it's way too woke nowadays.

And while he was ridiculing.

I felt seen.

And it reminded me that despite all the nice moments and even the sort of passable ones where i know he's making an effort

He would genuinely hate who i am

For what has become of this world,

And what has become of his little girl that was never so little and always a bit too idealistic yet wise for her age.

Except now my wisdom is considered a fluke or a waste.

And my schooling seems like a joke to them.

And they assume my grades are barely passing.

And my mom kept pressuring for me to change careers and become a lawyer.

My dad commented yesterday on how a brilliant academic who can't have basic life skills isn't a success

A brilliant academic still needing the support of their parents.

It felt pointed .

It felt accidental.

It felt like something he was used to casually talking about, just not in front of me.

I keep thinking about him and he's not leaving my mind

I tried forgetting

I tried pretending he's not that interesting or interested

But i think of the museum and get butterflies

And every time i post a story he likes it

And I don't know if it's politeness

But i really hope it isn't

But i also hope it is because he's a bit older

And I may seem older than i am but 24 does not bridge that gap

And socially idk what he's really like

I don't know his politicak standing, though i doubt he's much of a conservative person

I don't know his interpretation or certain social phenomenons

For all intents and purposes i don't know him

But now I'm all upset stomach and steamy thoughts and staring into the void while remembering every interaction

And nerves for my missed cues and nuances

And for the uncertainties

But I need to kiss him

I need to hold his hand

I need to be someone he really truly sees

And i need to matter to him