live deliciously

And hope that others find solace in the words that I feel and wear on sleeves, full clad.

It’s really unfair to feel like I’m disposable when I know I’m not. I hate the way my brain works most days but today, right now. I feel like I’m being held hostage by a best friend. It’s not fair.

I want to say I forgive you for the deep seated trauma I will forever experience and continue to unlearn, caused by your hands but….I will never understand how I was never enough for you… how you could have treated me the way that you did and somehow convinced me I deserved every bit of it and yet here I am. Smiling, arms open, free, loved and willing to try again… so maybe I do forgive you. Not for your sake but for mine ❤️‍🩹

The thing also is that.. the things that bother me have to do with their former partner. I know they have a significant connection with him and while it brings me such joy to know they have the capacity for such love and connection with others it also triggers a RSD sensitivity that comes with my BPD. they’ve mentioned having felt before that they were all in with him, they thought they were going to spend the rest of their life with him, they have never wanted to get married but considered it with him. These comments have sat with me since they told me those things, I feel myself shut down involuntarily when they mention having plans with him (only if I happen to ask if they want to spend some time with me) ((trigger RSD)) now in the end I know it’s not that they hang out with him that bothers me.. I love it actually it’s awesome! The things that bother me are.. they have this awesome friendship but haven’t told him who I am or what my significance in their life is. He’s not stupid but I believe he is using that to his advantage as, well I don’t know any better so I’m just going to take advantage of this opportunity to have my former partner care for and support me and potentially want me back in their life. This triggers a trauma for me that came from my last relationship of being hidden and lied about. Not being worthy of being proud of as being someone’s partner. It feels so bad and I really do t think it’s something I can comfortably sit with any longer. It’s also that they have 2/2 hung out with him on “significant” dates for us as a couple. Our first anniversary was primarily spent with him, they had promised a haircut and obliged on that date when we’d made tentative plans prior to it. I worked a day shift and was up for 530 am went home and made us dinner and desert (a rice pudding they’d wanted for some time) then ended up sharing that with him as well when I got there because I made so much and felt so fucking awkward to not offer him any. They had a long drawn out hug before he left and I just felt all around uncomfortable about the entire situation. & never said anything. And now it’s bothering me so FUXKING much. Last night I went and visited and offered to see them today, Valentine’s Day, after work to which they mentioned they had plans with him to “help with Rosie’s nails” I tried so hard not to shut down but immediately did. RSD triggered hard and immediately. Have felt weird and off all night and unable to shake this feeling. We made plans to hang out tomorrow because it’s my only day off so I guess that makes up for it but for some reason it just feels bad. I FUXKING wish it didn’t. I think I keep wishing I was someone different that could just… not feel so much all the time. It’s fucking exhausting. Other than these 2 things which I now realize aren’t small things everything is perfect. Everything is healthy but I just….. don’t know how to not be terrified of them leaving if I say something. 😮‍💨😪