w.

and it’s probably because he was once a small kid, dreaming of becoming something more, of making his parents proud until it all went south

until he realized he’s different, until it was “God will punish you for this” and “God sees you” and “God will forgive you but you have to shut down these impure thoughts”

until the love would come only if he rewrote every molecule and broken every bone and cracked his ribs

until the small town in Nebraska twisted from welcoming to something that constructed his chest every night

until he had to run away from the only thing he had ever known, leaving it all behind, the words of his father to never come back writing themselves onto his insides

until he realized that he won’t ever fit into the expectations his parents had laid out for him long before he was born

until he couldn’t breathe because the guilt ate him alive, moving inside of him like worms

“'Cause I've changed my accent”

Adam is always trying to swallow his accent, to not let it show when he speaks

“I bet you grew up grazing your knees

But the fall wasn't fatal like it was for me”

do I have to say it? Adam has been abused his entire life by his father while his mother only watched until it escalated in him losing hearing and moving out

“We're the product of love that we do not receive”

Gansey and Blue talking about how Adam was poor in love, never received a warm hug or had a loving parent, Blue thinking about it, thinking how he had no arms to wrap around him when he was sad and how it might have been why he let his anger lead him

“I hope I throw a party

In a house of my own some day”

Adam always hoping he’d get away, hoping to have his own place, wanting to be his own, hoping he’d never have to worry about money

“You're sensible, I'm hating it”

Blue always saying she’s a sensible person, then telling Adam it will never be them two and that she’ll never love him, Adam fighting the urge to hit something, fighting the anger that never seems to let him go

Adam “his being made of dust” Parrish

Ronan “the snake that tempts” Lynch

Gansey “i have died and then was resurrected”

Noah “the sacrificial lamb” Czerny