Pretty stuff, Murky Thoughts & My Sketchpad

I can feel the pain in my chest.

I still regret it. Now I have Qs that Google can’t answer.

I hope someone responds to my journal because I’m going crazy here.

I think I’m just getting more ‘emotional’ as I get older.

I can’t control and mask my feelings as well as I used to...

The ice queen’s heart is melting.

I’m watching a mother go from worrying and anxious over her child to rejoice over her child’s success and wondered... Did my mother ever feel this way about me? Of course not. And I was jealous. From 12 years old I realised what type of rel. or lack of we had. At 24 she said it out loud and confirmed what I already knew. 

It was different hearing her say it even though I knew deep down.

Maybe that’s why I want a baby so much. I want to give that child all the love, care and nurturing I didn’t seem to have. Or maybe I just want to be loved with that amazing love that a child feels for their mother.

And maybe I don’t want a child because I can’t give them all those things cos I don’t know how. Maybe that’s why I can’t handle rel. either.

I dunno.

I don’t care. Meh.

8 years ago I figured I didn't need a therapist or counsellor.

I like to be practical and a realist... when my heads screwed on properly.

I never saw how talking to someone could help.

I know what my problems are and talking is not going to fix them or make them go away.

6 months ago I promised someone I'd go see one... Unfortunately I was let down by my church after trying to book an emergency session with one of the counsellor several times.

But recently, in the last month or so, I have started to realise the hidden meaning behind what I do and why I do certain things.

It's like I've started to venture into the deepest crevasses of my mind.

Some things were obvious from the get go that I never confronted or said out loud.

Others were like an amazing epiphany.

All those I dunno's were/are very genuine, don’t get it twisted.

I'm only just realising certain things about the way I think.

I want to be a whore cos I haven’t an inkling about relationships, have no belief in my abilities to be a fulfilling partner and actually maintain a lifelong, happy, loving marriage.

I mean what makes me so different and special that my rel/marriage won’t fail like everyone else’s????

I can’t hold down a rel cos I have too much baggage and a lack of self confidence and crippling fears.

My inability to open up about my feelings is no joke.

I almost always feel condemned or get ‘told off’ for feeling the way I do so instead of saying “I feel sad.” and getting a why are you sad about that, I'll just keep quiet and pretend everything’s okay or talk to myself saying ‘Man up don’t be such a bitch about it.’

Life is not a movie.

When I rock in a dark corner of my room... on the floor... not eating for days, no one will come swoop in to save me.  

I have to save myself and so this was the beginning of me looking out for myself.

Making myself happy.

Doing what makes me happy.

I have failed miserably many a time and so end up hungrily and absent-mindedly looking for something to make me happy and fill the hole.

This means grabbing any little piece of anything(?) and ends me up in a bad situation.

I don’t wanna go home. Lemme go and do blahblahblah

Then end up being held hostage and abused

in the middle of nowhere

no battery to call police and

walk miles to a superstore depot

call a £100 cab to uxb at like 1 am

or trudging home soaked in my own blood.

I was a fool and I’m not much smarter tbh. I just seem smarter because I pick simpler things like food to make me happy ...Maybe that does make me smarter.

I secretly want things I can’t have and end up hating them or dismiss them when I realise I can’t have them.

Rel, marriage, kids, family, money, love, rel w/ God.

I am so used to being against it and hating what I can’t have that actually wanting it is scary.

I am learning to try and accept my feelings instead of hiding them away but it’s very hard. I feel like I’m going to be flooded and overwhelmed

My jealousy is already out of hand. Wishing bad things on complete strangers as I walk down the street. Don't worry I've been reading self help guides on jealousy and other stuffs.

I can hate myself for it or allow it to consume me.

1 tweet triggered it tbh as I was walking to the station.

I can't even remember it now my memory is so shit...

I really want to find it now prob spend the day looking for it .... I'm quite good at repressing stuff at optimum performance

I was like Rah! Omg that’s me, that’s why.

Built walls for seemingly no reason and I just stumbled across the answer

A whole new dimension to my thought processes.

 Btw I found it. lol. The tweet.

It’s about addressing why you feel sad and accepting those feelings, basically.

These are my thoughts laid bare.

I’ve written them as they came and it’s been flowing for a couple of days.

I think this is how one’s life begins to change.

Live life to the full. Don't just survive. Live. Enjoy life. Blah blah.                           If I can't survive, how can I live?                                                                            If I can't fill my belly, how can I go do adventurous shxt?                                       I can't even make logical decisions. Simple ones.                                                  I literally can't think.

And I'm tired.                                                                                                           I don't know if I can survive. I've tried. I promise. I've tried your way.                     I did give it a shot but my name wasn't on that bullet.                                           Or on any of the others in the magazine of my beretta.                                          I think I'm just playing Russian roulette.                                                             But life has replaced my blanks with lemons.

Right now I feel like I'm the unluckiest girl in the world.