Nikita Gill, from Fierce Fairytales Poems & Stories to Stir Your Soul; "Gretel After Hansel," (edited)

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Nikita Gill, from Fierce Fairytales Poems & Stories to Stir Your Soul; "Gretel After Hansel," (edited)

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1:52
I am reminded of my heartbreak
Life has thrown me off me pity party
But yet today i am able to attend
I feel weak
I feel threatened
I feel replaceable
Yet this is the consequences of my choices
And in the middle of all this
I am my own drama show
Today i am a weapon
Im as useful as all my abilities and flaws are
My mental illness now a weapin
Now tainted
Now no longer pure
I am pathetic
Allowing myself to be used
All while being incapable of dealing with my problems
One day i will leave this all behind
Ill again be able to look forward into the future
For now i will wollow
I will cry
And accept what i can
I will adapt
I pray i dont become my own stranger
A stranger who i would never want to cross paths with
12:35 pm
Convinient, thats what i am not
And its so sad that because of it i punish people i love-or do i?
My heart is breaking and all i feel is rage
Is this okay? Is this normal?
I feel so lonely, and helpless and care less
I dont know how to feel, im forcing my tears
Its been a while but its just so sad that people i would die for would choose others because they are more convinient than me
I thought i could finally learn loyalty
Problem was i chose the wrong place to learn it
When the truth of the matter is that the lesson i should be learning, is that no one is going to be there except for me and i have to force myself to understand that.
Its been almost 2 months since i stopped meds but im thinking of getting back on them. I should stop giving my self a harder time because no one will help and im the only one here for me.
Its time i learn that.
1:52
I am reminded of my heartbreak
Life has thrown me off me pity party
But yet today i am able to attend
I feel weak
I feel threatened
I feel replaceable
Yet this is the consequences of my choices
And in the middle of all this
I am my own drama show
Today i am a weapon
Im as useful as all my abilities and flaws are
My mental illness now a weapon
Now tainted
Now no longer pure
I am pathetic
Allowing myself to be used
All while being incapable of dealing with my problems
One day i will leave this all behind
Ill again be able to look forward into the future
For now i will wollow
I will cry
And accept what i can
I will adapt
I pray i dont become my own stranger
A stranger who i would never want to cross paths with
12:08am
distant
i feel so distant
like the world is happening and i am watching it from a television screen
my body was filled but i felt so empty
are we going too fast or do i really feel nothing?
i ache and i tire but these bones are hollow yet heavy
what do i really feel?
am i turning my back?
is this a decision or an excuse?
my head is noisy
my mind wont stop racing
yet this body wants time to stop
everything is too fast i feel lost in the chaos
what is it?
what do i feel?

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-6:13-
how many more power song should i listen to
till i get the energy and will to continue living?
-6:05-
he gives me everything girls want
âthe conceptsâ. âthe alwaysâ
and all that bullshit
but why cant i love him?
why cant i accept them?
why doesn't it hit me?
why doesnt it give me butterflies and keep me thinking?
am i forcing the situation?
or am i just really incapable of loving?
why?
why?
-5:59-
i just want to let it out
i just want to scream it all out of me
till it no longer hurts
till it no longer suffocates me
but at the end of the day
screams are only a means to cry for help
and ive already understood that no ones out there to save me
maybe not even me.
-5:50-
do i still love you?
or do i just love the idea of you
to escape what is right in front of me?
you have been such a comfort zone
and maybe since I'm out in the woods on my own having to fend for myself
id want to have at least one thing that doesn't feel like unfamiliar ground
something that doesn't have me thinking about the next turn
and having me figure out what to do nextÂ
-5:42- how do you ever come to terms with the thought that
the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally has gone up and abandoned you
to fend for yourself?
to be your own self?
to free your own self?

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-6:50pm-
if we were only thoughtsÂ
id be in love with youÂ
completely
-1:45am-Â
It's noisy, too noisyÂ
But when I open my eyesÂ
It's calm and peacefulÂ
To feel like you're all over the placeÂ
yet awaken to the mediocrity of every dayÂ
I do not understandÂ
I cannot controlÂ
The more I cling to itÂ
the more it disappearsÂ
I'm sad, too sadÂ
But where does loneliness take me either way?Â
My head will scream,Â
my heart will acheÂ
My body will do everything to keep me awake but
whats the point of waking if you're already dead?Â
It's noisy, too noisyÂ
But its all in my headÂ
-MCLC
1:49am-Â
Every love felt like going homeÂ
But my heart lived to be freeÂ
Craved the adventureÂ
But always wanted a place to rest easyÂ
It longed to see beyond what it soughtÂ
But the longer the days the lonelier it gotÂ
Oh, poor fragile heart,
 you know too well you cant have it allÂ
yet you continue such useless attemptsÂ
It's saddening reallyÂ
because all you'll ever do is want to be free
but never to be lonely and that for itselfÂ
is already a tragedy
-11:51pm-Â
Oh how empty it makes you feelÂ
To see it to be possibleÂ
But not with you,Â
never with you.
-9:58pm-Â
I love the depth of beingÂ
but i do not wish to dwell in it,Â
its tiringÂ
And i am very tired.

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-24pm-Â
Its the same old storyÂ
I leave you in search of me
 As you wait in the sidelinesÂ
Of who i am yet to beÂ
But days pass and hours turnÂ
And still lost is all ive ever knownÂ
But the sadness grows with the watering of tears
And the emptiness of who we used to beÂ
With too many thoughtsÂ
Within the smallest of spacesÂ
Yet the same story with a different faceÂ
Endings are maddeningÂ
But if it must endÂ
Please not the way it didÂ
Not again.
11:15pm
cant wait to sleep
cause thats the closest i can get to you
cause youre too far away to touch
and your heart isnt even mine to hold