A Cup of Throughts

I am reminded of my heartbreak

Life has thrown me off me pity party

But yet today i am able to attend

I feel weak

I feel threatened

I feel replaceable

Yet this is the consequences of my choices

And in the middle of all this

I am my own drama show

Today i am a weapon

Im as useful as all my abilities and flaws are

My mental illness now a weapin

Now tainted

Now no longer pure

I am pathetic

Allowing myself to be used

All while being incapable of dealing with my problems

One day i will leave this all behind

Ill again be able to look forward into the future

For now i will wollow

I will cry

And accept what i can

I will adapt

I pray i dont become my own stranger

Convinient, thats what i am not

And its so sad that because of it i punish people i love-or do i?

My heart is breaking and all i feel is rage

Is this okay? Is this normal?

I feel so lonely, and helpless and care less

I dont know how to feel, im forcing my tears

Its been a while but its just so sad that people i would die for would choose others because they are more convinient than me

I thought i could finally learn loyalty

Problem was i chose the wrong place to learn it

When the truth of the matter is that the lesson i should be learning, is that no one is going to be there except for me and i have to force myself to understand that.

Its been almost 2 months since i stopped meds but im thinking of getting back on them. I should stop giving my self a harder time because no one will help and im the only one here for me.

I am reminded of my heartbreak

Life has thrown me off me pity party

But yet today i am able to attend

I feel weak

I feel threatened

I feel replaceable

Yet this is the consequences of my choices

And in the middle of all this

I am my own drama show

Today i am a weapon

Im as useful as all my abilities and flaws are

My mental illness now a weapon

Now tainted

Now no longer pure

I am pathetic

Allowing myself to be used

All while being incapable of dealing with my problems

One day i will leave this all behind

Ill again be able to look forward into the future

For now i will wollow

I will cry

And accept what i can

I will adapt

I pray i dont become my own stranger

distant

i feel so distant

like the world is happening and i am watching it from a television screen

my body was filled but i felt so empty

are we going too fast or do i really feel nothing?

i ache and i tire but these bones are hollow yet heavy

what do i really feel?

am i turning my back?

is this a decision or an excuse?

my head is noisy

my mind wont stop racing

yet this body wants time to stop

everything is too fast i feel lost in the chaos

what is it?

how many more power song should i listen to

he gives me everything girls want

“the concepts”. “the always”

and all that bullshit

but why cant i love him?

why cant i accept them?

why doesn't it hit me?

why doesnt it give me butterflies and keep me thinking?

am i forcing the situation?

or am i just really incapable of loving?

why?

i just want to let it out

i just want to scream it all out of me

till it no longer hurts

till it no longer suffocates me

but at the end of the day

screams are only a means to cry for help

and ive already understood that no ones out there to save me

do i still love you?

or do i just love the idea of you

to escape what is right in front of me?

you have been such a comfort zone

and maybe since I'm out in the woods on my own having to fend for myself

id want to have at least one thing that doesn't feel like unfamiliar ground

something that doesn't have me thinking about the next turn

the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally has gone up and abandoned you

to fend for yourself?

to be your own self?

if we were only thoughts 

id be in love with you 

It's noisy, too noisy 

But when I open my eyes 

It's calm and peaceful 

To feel like you're all over the place 

yet awaken to the mediocrity of every day 

I do not understand 

I cannot control 

The more I cling to it 

the more it disappears 

I'm sad, too sad 

But where does loneliness take me either way? 

My head will scream, 

my heart will ache 

My body will do everything to keep me awake but

whats the point of waking if you're already dead? 

It's noisy, too noisy 

But its all in my head 

Every love felt like going home 

But my heart lived to be free 

Craved the adventure 

But always wanted a place to rest easy 

It longed to see beyond what it sought 

But the longer the days the lonelier it got 

Oh, poor fragile heart,

 you know too well you cant have it all 

yet you continue such useless attempts 

It's saddening really 

because all you'll ever do is want to be free

but never to be lonely and that for itself 

Oh how empty it makes you feel 

To see it to be possible 

But not with you, 

I love the depth of being 

but i do not wish to dwell in it, 

its tiring 

Its the same old story 

I leave you in search of me

 As you wait in the sidelines 

Of who i am yet to be 

But days pass and hours turn 

And still lost is all ive ever known 

But the sadness grows with the watering of tears

And the emptiness of who we used to be 

With too many thoughts 

Within the smallest of spaces 

Yet the same story with a different face 

Endings are maddening 

But if it must end 

Please not the way it did 

cant wait to sleep

cause thats the closest i can get to you

cause youre too far away to touch