#sepression

Me when i try my best to avoid 'sad' songs because i know that the type of songs i listen to directly affect my emotions but i still end up getting the sads while listening to the traditional musette

All of a sudden I’m super fucking depressed and anxious at the same time and can’t handle stimuli at all. Like I just want to cry so hard because my closest friend is going away to college Sunday and I love her to death and yeah it’s only an hour away but it’s not like I can see her multiple times a week anymore. Like we’re both going to have class and be working and she doesn’t have a car so it’s be me doing all the driving which is fine except idk how both of our schedules can make it work out more than maybe like once a month. I really want to be happy for her for starting school and because she’s going to kill it at university, but I’m just so fucking terrified because she’s always been the best at giving advice and listening to myself whenever I’m dumb with anxiety and depressive thoughts. Even the little things like getting coffee or sushi together isn’t going to happen much at all anymore and I can help but cry because it’s dumb but it means so much to me and always makes my day. Whenever we have plans I think about them all day everyday until they happen and sometimes it’s like the only good things to happen to me and now it’s going to stop happening. I know we’re not going to grow apart or anything but it kills me that the person I cherish the most is no longer ten minutes from my house. Like guarenteed my depression will get worse because 9/10 the reason I ever do stuff with friends or really leave the house for reasons outside of work or school is to be with her and/or our mutual friends. My other closest friend is two hours away and I haven’t seen him for weeks and won’t really ever get the chance to see him until thanksgiving because he’s so fucking busy. My mother was right when she said that I might as well not even bother anymore since my friends are all going away. Like I’m not going to be able to make more friends that I trust like those two and even if I did I’m too awkward to meet new people and initiate conversations. This and the fact that I just lost another friend because all he wanted to do was Fuck me is so goddamn upsetting and it’s all hitting me at once right now. I need to start seeing someone to talk to but between school and work I have no clue when I’ll be able to talk to a professional, especially since it’d take weeks or months to even get to the core of all my fucked up issues. I’m never going to get to the point where I feel like hurting myself again or like taking my life but I feel like I can’t handle any amount of bad things right now because they affect me far more than they should and erase all the good things from my memory. I don’t know what to do and I took a axanax but until it kicks in I’m just going to cry and feel like shit. I know I’ll wake up regretting the Xanax because I could’ve done something productive in that time but I can only deal with so many things right now that that’s the chance I’m willing to take. Fuck. I need to stop feeling like this and I don’t know how the hell thats going to happen

Ahaaaa I wish I just slept forever