Shannon (she/they)

I have heard some people refer to depression as "being haunted by the black dog." I don't see it like this personally, but that may have more to do with the fact that I love dogs. However, I can appreciate what I think they are trying to say by using this term. That depression can feel like a painful darkness that can be very difficult to pull yourself out of. My understanding at least.

For me, depression can hit me when I least expect it. Sometimes I can feel it coming on, but even if I do there is little warning. When it does hit, you bottom out with no motivation at all. Sleep gets all messed up, sometimes sleeping too much and other times not enough. Apetite, same thing. Overeat at times and other times not at all. There is a whole shitload of other awful stuff too, but today I have my own visibility on my mind.

For me, depression co-mingles with some of my other stuff as well. I will typically withdraw from any and all activity. I don't really want to see anyone or go anywhere or do anything and so on. I will detach from my own life and go into my own headspace. Of course, this isn't a healthy thing to do; not for me or anyone close to me. Clearly, as a transgender person this makes me mostly invisible except to those who I interact with daily. I'm not big on social media. I hate facebook. Recently I created a twitter (not calling it x) account. I don't really care for Elon Musk, but there are some good folks on there and that is encouraging to me as a trans person. They are trying to stand up to our brutal UCP government. I was inspired to see their courage and then I realized that I, too, need to stand up to them. Not only for me, but for all the people who they are hurting and it's a long list.

So moving forward I am going to work to be more visible. I am still just 4 months into transition and I still occasionally move through the world in stealth mode, but that is becoming harder and harder to do.

Til next time,

On the wind? What is that right? It's just a metaphor I use to describe my life, that's all. As a kid, it felt as though I was powerless and being carried through life by a strong wind. As an adult, I found myself literally on the wind when a massive fire crippled the ship I was sailing aboard, rendering it powerless and at the mercy of the ocean and the elements. Thanks again to the USN for the rescue.

So who the heck am I and why should you care? Good question. Glad you asked. I will answer the last part first and tell you that don't have to care. Who I am is Shannon and I am a transgender person living in Calgary. As a former sailor (still a sailor) I have lived most of my life on the coasts. I grew up on the Atlantic and lived a large chunk of my life on the Pacific. I moved to Calgary from BC just over four years ago when my ex passed away to cancer and suddenly I was a single parent to a 10 year-old. My sailing days behind me, I moved to Calgary because I had some family here and I knew I would need some family supports.

Moving here has been an adjustment for me. The climate is quite different than I am used to and it weird to be so far from the ocean. I don't really know anyone here and being a full-time parent hasn't left me many opportunities for socializing. Well that, and the fact that I suffer from several mental health conditions aside from my gender dysphoria. I have childhood trauma and depression in my life. Both suck and both contribute to feelings of isolation. Coming out as transgender cost me several close friendships overnight. There is much misinformation, lies and just plain hate directed at trans folk. So meeting new folks is a challenge I suppose. Especially in Calgary, where a lot of the people here seem to be openly hostile towards transgender people. I get stares, glares, and dirty looks here. Very fucking judgy. That's all I will say about that.

That isn't what I am here for however, I have looked for several outlets to express my thoughts, opinions and I am hoping this will be somewhat theraputic I suppose. An outlet for my thoughts. Also with the rise in transphobia and anti-transgender legislation being passed by right wing governments, I realized that I needed to be more visible and so this is where I will start. I am only a few months into transition and I have been admittedly withdrawn. It feels great, but I will try to put myself out there a little more.

I have worn several hats throughout my life but being transgender has always been there. It has been one of the few constants in my life. For me, gender dysphoria was evident from an early age, like 4 or 5, but I grew up poor in a shitty home with violence, alcoholism and abuse. So being transgender was about the last thing I needed, but it was who I was. I suppressed my feelings, but they don't go away. If anything they seem to get stronger over time. I was shamed, ridiculed and punished for it. That made me hate myself. I turned to alcohol and drugs and we all know how that goes. For the record I am sober. I denied who I was, wished it would go away and finally accepted that that is who and what I am.

Anyway that's enough with the doom and gloom, ghost-of-christmas-past shit. Hope it wasn't an overshare. I apologize in advance if it was. It is a part of me that shapes my ideas and opinions so I thought it might be relevant.

I'm mostly pretty chill. I'm older, but not necessarily wiser. Quirky, funny, odd, love to laugh. I'm a big music lover. Lived on the west coast in the 90's and was heavily influenced by that Seattle music scene. Still love it today. Mostly though, I am a quiet person just doing my thing. I used to like sports, now mostly just hockey. There we go, the nutshell is cracked.

Til next time,