abyss of my mind

And suddenly I’m 17 again

Walking on eggshells, waiting for the explosion

My mother tells me her life was harder

But her wrists aren’t red like mine

And her diary isn’t full of pathetic prose

This was supposed to be different

I’m older now I’m a new girl

Or maybe I’m just the same girl

A teenage girl, hopeless and scared

Knowing things won’t get better

Because they never do

sink into the dark

with a demon by my side

he’s my angel, my protector

i screamed and i cried

what was truth is now a lie

the grim reaper looming over

my best friend

the last piece of my soul?

and when i watch him take his last breath

I read a book and it became my bible

Now I’m wearing red hats and picking fights

Asking to be loved by a world I despise

Wondering if my blood might miss me

Picking apart every damn thing

So sick of lectures and small talk

I don’t want to play this game

They don’t understand anything

If only you could see more

bus stop kids looking for a right of passage

we walk through the dragon’s gate

teleported to old times

i watch you pick a fight on the bus

and i can’t help but wonder

how you could be so mean at sixteen?

the art and chandeliers remind us of grandma

so we talk about one day

we’ll buy these ivory statues

live in neighboring mansions

as if we’d be friends then

i can’t get past the things you said to me

when i thought you’d never hurt me

if only i knew in chinatown

in 2018 i cleaned out my childhood bedroom and found my diary from when i was 13/14. i felt inspired to write this song about the feeling of being a young girl with an all consuming toxic crush. a lot of these words come straight from that diary i found.

the world crashed down on the new year

sudden enlightenment shattering my hopes

so I sank into my dark abyss

lost in the void without a purpose

my mother held me in my despair

wasted hours chasing childhood dreams

my teen ambition devouring me whole

all the pointless tears, the pointless delusions

maybe I’m not special

perhaps my personality is disordered

Walking into Hell, I think I might be sick

Made a mistake now I’m paying for it

I just wanted to make my father proud

Dear god, can’t you hear my prayers now?

Look at me: I am now a mean girl

I am just like all of them

Call me a catcher in the rye

Daydreaming of countless ways to die

I’m a loser, I’m an heiress

Nobody sees me for what I truly am

Second thoughts are destroying my future

Turning the page but the words are missing

I calculated every step

Just for the devil to lure me

That fiery sensation creeps in

My guts spilling everywhere

For everyone to see

I cry and I pray until the sun comes up

But nobody ever answers

I’ll let mercy lull me to sleep

The knife twisting further

I don’t feel like I’ve grown up

Looking at silver rusted blades

It was just a phase

But my arms say otherwise

The evidence piling at my feet

Broken skin staring through my soul

I watch through a blurry haze

Tears racing down my arms

Vertical lines cut by the fates

pretty parties and ugly people

the sacrifices all lined up

which one of us will make the cut?

you say you wish you were me

but the country club nights get so boring

life jackets only keep you safe for so long

until you just let go and start to drown

in high expectations and wild debauchery

a legacy, a legacy

what’s the point of being a legacy…

Ten years later I’m still thinking of

Stolen dances, longing glances

Forbidden smiles in a war against a friend

Chemistry ablaze or divine intervention

Secrets of a library brought back to life

What could have been and what could be

So I wonder do you think of me?

On foggy nights, in the grand foyer

What thoughts lay on your pretty mind?

Oh, that spark I’ve never felt before

Looking for an answer in the madness

Don’t know what I want in this life

I’m two sides and they compete

Not sure where I sit on the fence anymore

I want the things I wanted since I was thirteen

The sun in my hands and the power so I may fly

But I wish to be my father’s golden child

If only

Tell me what to do, tell me what to say

My destiny is slipping through my fingers

The hours go by and they start to look like months

Now they look like years

I need to know who to be

How can I be the very best?

Bloody massacre of the dark abyss

Pieces of my soul obliterated to dust

I sit here typing meaningless words

Looking for symbolism in my suffering

But maybe this is it

Maybe it’s a curse carried by blood

And so I must live every day

all i wanted was your blonde approval

now im drowning in a sea of rum and coke

she wishes she was us lying on the football field

dreaming of the cruel prep boys you chase after

and my glamorous hollywood insanity

we ride or die, to the moon and back

until you find a better toy, all shiny and new

pictures of us you cross me out like a disease

push me to the edge because im old and worn out

the pain of being a girl looking for solace

she pollutes the sky with american dreams

a real beauty queen bred to be number one

fucking every guy to bleed her cult dry

in an ivory tower built on the backs of the laborers

god forbid you call her out for she is the false idol

of a generation

this barbie is a billionaire ruling the news with

sparkling propaganda

while the children of a distant land lose the light in

their eyes

staring at a popcorn ceiling in the heavens above you wonder

counting my dreams like daisies

planted in the prime of my youth

devouring my helpless wonder

the fires of the years burn down my hopes

and now I’m more uncertain than ever

what’s wrong and what’s right?

do I chase empty dreams

or do I accept a fruitful destiny

the future I rejected all my life

when I was 17 I knew everything