Of Mute and Memory

Upon entrance of the ‘speak easy’ you are greeted with a wall of shadows and a thick cloud of cigar smoke. The clink of glasses and muffled conversations as the guests are provided with a number of cramped seats where if your predecessors were not kind enough to leave room you are left to crawl over one another to find a resting place.  

Crow, while not in attendance was mentioned by a young Elezen.  Dark hair and while young in face weary in the eyes.  He lacks proper sleep and claims to be Crow’s messenger.  Leonnaux is his name.  The vocal annoyance from the Quicksand yestersun mentioned him while I was being introduced to ‘Birdy’

Why Therion ever chose ‘Birdy’ as his alias is as known to me as his fascination with tiny umbrellas.

C’anmaia was met, a Polaali halfbreed but far more appealing than the full-blooded Keepers found in the Morlbovine Clan.  I can only hypothesize the Seeker blood has helped to dilute the ‘crazy’ she claims runs in the family tree.  She probably has a point, my observations have been that Polaali are without wits and an exceptional amount of ‘stupid’ some call impulsiveness. 

Business had to be halted, the woman’s brother is apparently in charge of business but C’Kayah does not seem to recall our encounter on the bridge.  I shall neglect to inform him so that business can commence without difficulty.

Bold all that apply

Out of the following, what is your character most want in life? (In other words, which of these are they most focused on achieving?)

To feel loved, needed and appreciated

To be successful and admired

To discover themselves and their significance, to find their identity

To be capable and competent, and have everything figured out

To have security and support, to be safe from danger

To be happy and free from pain, and explore what life has to offer

To be in control of their own life and destiny

To have inner peace and live in a harmonious environment

To better themselves and the world around them

Are they an introvert or an extrovert? (Introverts need to spend a lot of time alone to feel at their best. Extroverts need to spend a lot of time interacting with people to be at their best. Ambiverts need equal amounts of social interaction and alone time, and must balance these to feel at 100%.)

Extreme Introvert

Introvert

Ambivert

Extrovert

Extreme Extrovert

What sorts of humor does your character ususally use when joking around?

Sarcasm

Puns and wordplay

Dark humor

Gross-out/Toilet humor

Sexual humor

Deadpan humor

Offensive humor

Topical humor

Pop culture references

Intellectual/Nerdy humor

Self-deprecating humor

Physical/Slapstick humor

Schadenfreude (laughing at other people’s misfortune)

Other (please explain)

What kinds of humor does your character most amused by when they hear it?

Sarcasm

Puns and wordplay

Dark humor

Gross-out/Toilet humor

Sexual humor

Deadpan humor

Offensive humor

Topical humor

Pop culture references

Intellectual/Nerdy humor

Self-deprecating humor

Physical/Slapstick humor

Schadenfreude (laughing at other people’s misfortune)

Sexual Orientation

Heterosexual (Attracted to opposite gender)

Homosexual (Attracted to same gender)

Bisexual (Attracted to 2+ genders)

Pansexual (Attracted to all genders)

Asexual (Attracted to no one)

Questioning (Unsure of orientation)

Other (please explain)

Is the character monogamous or polyamorous?

Strictly monogamous

Mostly monogamous, but willing to try polyamory

Fine with both monogamy and polyamory

Mostly polyamorous, but willing to try monogamy

Strictly polyamorous

Neither, they don’t have relationships.

What social skills is your character more proficient at? (If the character can’t do something at all due to a physical or mental limitation, select N/A. e.g., a mute person who cannot sing.)

Public speaking

Fashion sense

Reading other people

Manipulating others

Working with others

Following social cues and conventions

Lying

Flirting/Seduction

Maintaining friendships

Maintaining romantic relationships

How many sexual partners has the character had in their lifetime?

01

2-4

5-9

10+

Unknown

How many languages is your character fluent in?

1

2

3

4

5+

How many other languages is your character proficient in but not fluent in?Meaning that they can at least hold a basic conversation in it.

01

2

3

4

5+

Is your character a couerl kitten person or a wolf pup person?

Couerl person

Wolf person

Can’t pick, they’re both so great

Can’t pick, both are awful

Your character sees their neighbour (or other friendly acquaintance) hiding a dead body in the straw of their chocobo stable. What do they do?

Confront him

Call the authorities

Ignore it and pretend they saw nothing

Help him hide the body better

Take vigilante justice into their own hands

Steal the body

Let’s face it, they’re probably the body in the stable

What kind of drunk are they?

Happy

Sad

Sentimental

Reckless

Philosophical

Flirtatious

Comedic

Angry

Violent

Drowsy

Loud

Calm

Don’t drink for other reasons

They are physically incapable of getting drunk

Does your character ship their friends? (If you don’t know what shipping is, Google can tell you but how do you not know this by now?)

Yes, and they interfere to make their OTPs come true

Yes, but they don’t interfere

Only a little bit

Not at all

They don’t have friends (But does ship any strong female with her Nunh)

How many romantic partners has the character had in their lifetime? (A romantic partner is anyone who the character has dated, publicly or not.)

0 (Has never been on a date, but has had a couple crushes)

1

2-4

5-9

10+

Unknown

On average, how often do they develop crushes on other people? (Only count times when they are outside of a closed monogamous relationship.)

Never (or only once or twice in their life)

Once every few years

Once a year

A few times a year

Monthly

Weekly

Daily

Has your character…

Been kissed?  Yes

Dated someone? No

Had sex? Kinda?

Kiss someone new?  No

Date someone new?  No

Have sex with someone new? No

Kiss someone they’ve kissed before? Yes

Date someone they’ve dated before? No

Have sex with someone they’ve had sex with before? No

Was your character in a relationship with someone prior to the events of 2.0?

Yes, and they’re still together

Yes, but they are no longer together by the end

No

It’s complicated

Was the character in a relationship with someone prior to the events of Heavensward?

Yes, and they’re still together

Yes, but they are no longer together

No

It’s complicated

How many love interests does the character have over the course of their life so far (pre-Heavensward)?

01

2 (N’Khai and Lathu’a)

3 or more

Which of the following methods of expressing love does the character use the most?

Words of affirmation (compliments, saying “I love you”, encouragement)

Quality time (going out together, one-on-one conversation)

Gifts (giving gifts, remembering special occasions)

Acts of service (assisting with chores, acts of kindness)

Physical affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding)

Which of the following methods of expressing love does the character use the least?

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Gifts

Acts of service

Physical affection

Which of these best describes how the character likes to have love expressed to them? (As in, which of these do they respond the best to when someone does it for them?)

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Gifts

Acts of service

Do not say it is because you are not worthy.  It does not matter the truth of it the words are abhorrent and taboo not to be spoken by the civilized.  Desire comes in many forms and the passions born to one many not be the same as those born to another.  Rejection has little to do with the worth of the being and everything to do with the factors of merit and qualities that make one feel good about themselves.  A selfish, self-indulgent species words of praise often stimulate the desire one grows to have for those whom also meet physical characteristics that stimulate the desire to procreate.

 I am very lacking in the qualities that most find desirable.  I lack the fundamental capacity to communicate on an effective level making conversation difficult for all but the most patient.  Those whom have the patience may also desire someone whom is of sound body which past injuries both physical and mental have made it difficult for me to be attractive and seductive.  There are a lot of other females to choose from whom are both more attractive and more engaging.  I do not praise others unless I am sincere in my opinions and they are asked of me.

 I have witnessed others playing at the flirting game but my best attempts at such have not been well-received.  I do not know what is in my word-choice that is off-putting but all experiments have ended in failure.  The similar experiments in my attempts to grow better at ‘small talk’ and speak in honesty with others have also ended in failure.  Conclusion, my opinions are best kept to myself and not shared with the subject.  In spite of the profession of desiring my honesty and open communication all endeavors to adhere to this request have to date always ended in a negative response and either abandonment of the conversation or request for my urgent departure.

 I protest that I have these urges at all.  This desire for a connection with another individual only opens me up to the potential of rejection and betrayal.  These emotions are a distraction and useless only serving to make continual mistakes. Instead of living under the false pretense that I could become like them I shall wear the mask that has helped me to survive the past seven cycles and allow them to believe what they wish of me.

 I do not need friendship. It was a mistake to try.  The only thing the pursuit of friendship has achieved is to unlock further feelings of inadequacy and highlight the problems with my character.  The only companions I need from here on are the subjects I am granted for my experiments. I had forgotten the marvel of holding life in one’s hands, the push and pull of aether in those final moments and the surge that is experienced before they slip through the veil into the life stream.

 I felt it today in a way not previously experienced and in that moment when pain was beyond reckoning he found a peace.  A comfort and enlightenment seeing through the veil to the other side and a knowledge that the struggles of this existence are inconsequential by comparison to the ground scheme.  There will be others but in honor of my pledge I shall only aid the misguided few whom have harmed the happiness of others on this plane the fortune of being part of my research.

She watched as the dark-faced Keeper faded out of sight and sound across the docks before her own eyes turned back down the opposite direction and she made her way to the ferry. Her tail twitched behind her as the only indication of personality or emotion beyond the stoic, emotionless mask offered to the world around her.  Kara arrived at the pier with a small nod to the ferryman whom knew her by face though not by name believing the woman completely mute he took her coin without bothering with the typical pleasantries.  She had made this journey often enough she did not have to go through the hassle of explaining it.

 From the port of Limsa Lominsa she would stop by the Mists before switching to a smaller ferry that took her up along waterways north of Costa Del Sol just south of Wineport.  A small journey by land would exchange to the dealings with the local Qiqirn and finally land on familiar shores where the coeurl often roam.  The buildings were in various states of disrepair most of whom covered with moss with broken boards that in spite the best efforts of a local sailor crew no one had managed to make much progress in taking back the town from the wilds. There was only one hut that truly was left alone though no one truly understood why it was so but the coeurl never trespassed into Kara’s tiny territory.

 The Miqo’te stopped inside the hut taking notice of a small box left behind she plucked up the note, reading ‘Khai’ from it she frowned that the Nunh had stopped by to visit without forewarning to make certain she was there.  Opening up the box she noticed the pristine, sharp surgical tools left behind and the tension in her face relaxed a tiny bit.  For as little as the man actually stayed in her company he did have the thoughtfulness to support her in smaller ways.  It did much to settle the rage in her mind but only to the point of a rolling boil.  Folding the tools back up she stepped away, unfolding the bag with the dagger onto the ground she took the tools and made her way out behind the scholar hut.

 It was difficult to see if you did not know what you were looking at.  Kara made her way down the winding moss-covered path rarely travelled for this path no longer led anywhere but to Fool’s Falls and the abundance of violent, blood-thirsty predators.  She waded through ankle-deep waters however before finding the crack in the boulders and a rickety looking ladder that she began to climb up with one hand making slow progress to the landing above.  There were thick, heavy bones providing cover from the frequent rains and though it was not the ideal location it was private and no one would stumble upon her little prize.

 The man was chained with his hands bound behind his back lacing down to his ankles in similar manacles, a gag strapped around his mouth as he lay against the mossy stone Kara paused to determine whether or not he was still unconscious.  The tools set aside upon the edge of the rocks she removed her grimoire to set beside it opening up the pages as she began to trace familiar geometries summoning forth a dog-sized construct similar to the nearby native hounds.  The arcanist did not bother to approach, the hound did the work for her opening its toothy maw to chomp down around the man’s ankle.  The Hyur was older and large than the Miqo’te but his attempt to feign being asleep to get her close enough failed when the dog began to drag him away from the wall and he instantly ‘awoke’ with his hands pounding at the creature’s head. The construct however felt no pain and merely took the abuse as the captive screamed for the blood soaked into his lower calf staining the animal with his blood.

 Kara calmly removed two long, thin blades from the kit she’d been provided and turned back toward the man, her mix-matched gaze resting on the Hyur she lifted one finger to her lips indicating she wanted his silence.  The man let out a groan, growling at the Miqo’te.

 “You had best be letting me go bitch, you don’t know who you’re dealing with!”

 Kara waited as the man spat venom at her, screaming threats as the fear entered his eyes glancing back and forth between the Miqo’te and the blade she carried.  The woman waited for his anger to die down and for her captive to realize all attempts to pull his own manacles off were futile.  When he finally went quiet she would finally respond.

 “No…. I do not… but.. it does not…matter.. you will…answer… all the…questions… I ask…or I will…hurt you.   I am… hoping… you resist… because… I would…really enjoy… hurting you… right now.”  The airy, raspy voice of the Miqo’te sounded with a slow, almost smile upturning the corners of her lips she reached down to her hip pouch retrieving a small needle with a vial attached to it.  “This…is…a diluted…paralytic poison… it will…make your…body heavy…but not… disrupt…sensation…of pain.  First…question…  when you…betrayed… your crew… how many did you…work with?”

 “I didn’t betray no one! I’ve been framed!  Let me go right now—AH!”  Kara did not wait for his profession of innocence to complete before she jabbed the needle into the man’s thigh and emptied the entirety of the content into his leg.  Taking a step back she let the ‘dog’ shift around to drag the man out to lay on his back upon the ground and the Miqo’te lifted her foot to press the heel of her boot against the bound figure’s face, nudging it to one side as she began to lean her weight into it pressing him into the mossy stone.

 “That… is… not an ….acceptable…response.  I will…begin….with the removal… of an ear… “  a strange smile formed on the woman’s face looking down upon the bound figure far more at ease than she ever was around others.  Leaning into the man’s face as she bent over him pinching one ear to pull it away from his skull she lowered the sharp end of the blade closer to where it met with the side of his head.

 “Two! Two!” the man suddenly shouted, “Silent Boulder and Jounderaux!”  the confessed with a sudden cry feeling the cold metal against his ear but the Miqo’te didn’t stop.  She let out a soft hum beneath her breath tracing the blade down she began to slice away like a hot knife through butter marveling at how easy it cut through the skin and cartilage with the flesh pulling away from his skull the man began to scream.  Blood welled up as she took the piece of the man’s head and tossed it aside, discarded on the ground she rose up to her full height.

 “I told you! You bitch…. You-you..” the man stammered though his voice cracked from pain he tried to jerk and shift beneath her but the poison taking hold he squirmed like a fish on land.  Kara removed her foot from his head letting him flail she only smiled down at him.

 “I …told…you… I would…hurt you… now… next question… where….did you… hide ..the treasure…”

 “I don’t know!  It wasn’t my plan at all you need to find the others.  I was just the lookout!  I swear, the plan was I watch for the Captain, I was on the guard that night and the other two were to slip away over the side with the boat and the booty.  I don’t know where they hid it, I was to catch up later!  STOP!”

 Kara lowered down to press her knee into the man’s chest as she turned the blade over pressing it against his temple she began to slice beneath the skin.  A shallow cut tracing a line down from his scalp toward his nose, her face not at all concerned over what she was doing but rather fascinated by the responses of the tissue beneath her blade.

 “I am telling you the truth!” the man screamed at her.

 “I… believe….you…but the….answer…is unsatisfactory… since…you cannot…satisfy…my employer’s inquiry… you cannot meet… the requirements …to secure… your life.  I am…curious… however.. if it.. is easier… to skin you.. alive… or dead… let us…experiment… I shall do.. one half.. of your face now… the other… post mortem.”

 “Please I’m sorry, I’ll help you get the others!  I’ll help you find the treasure.  Stop.. please stop..” the Hyur began to beg.

Truths are a subjective idea and when prompted most people will claim to be honest but one’s perception of self is often colored in a light separated from reality.  We often live in a delusional state, lying to ourselves in our quest for our ideals and time around people often corrupts even the purest of souls into this vile trap. When it comes to social decorum a certain level of dishonesty is expected and because of such lying is not a sin but rather a part of nature as long as you always lie about the fact you are being dishonest.  The success of the individual’s social status is often tied directly to their willingness and ability to effectively and believably lie.

I have grown complacent and comfortable within the tribe. I fell into the trap of believing lies because they courted my ideals and desires but I have since come to realize the folly of my pride and my ways.  When Sef was Nunh the expectations were very clear though the penalties were severe and the hardships many but the rigidity by which our Nunh made our tribe flourish cannot be denied.  His son is very different and while I honor my sister Yuhi in many ways I know my Nunh to be a liar even if he creates fabrications with an earnest effort and love in his heart.  I do not doubt that my Nunh holds me in high regards and cherishes my contributions to the tribe, he has said as much and I have no reason to doubt them.  I do find however he repeatedly attempts to treat me in the same manner as the other females in spite my lack of neediness for such.

Maia’s pursuit of happiness is an entertaining observation however it cannot be the only function one seeks.  If the tribe is to be strong and successful we must be ever vigilant, ever growing, ever challenging ourselves.  I train and learn so that I may be worthy of my tribe and be the strength my sisters and my Nunh need of me.  I appreciate my sister Maia because while I find it difficult to embrace her ideals I enjoy her company greatly and it reminds me of my purpose in life.  I had nothing before the tribe, I was nothing, but now all that I am belongs to my people.

I have never known a gentle hand, a lover’s kiss

I will never fathom what there is to miss

One dead man left six feet under

Is no reason to be torn asunder

Seven cycles on borrowed breath

Never once desiring death

On blood and sweat we bought her time

Released her from the slaver’s crime

Yet in payment receive only scratch and spit

I am much more content now that I am clean.  Hypothesis.  My state of mind has a correlation to my physical state.  

Chacho is being secretive again.  Odd for one who laments being left out

This letter will not last. When I receive my new grimoire I shall burn this book and all its contents however short lived it was. I have decided to title this book Expectations. Like the rest of my expectations and hopeful desires my plans to start my new life with a new grimoire filled with the adventures of my new tribe and family were ... too high. I look back now at my behavior and I am sickened by my own naivete.

N'khai Sef swooped in like eagle to pluck me from melancholy with promises of rebuilding my familial home into something I would want to be part of. To provide me with a tribe and sense of belonging without the pain and misery his father inflicted. He said they had looked long and hard for me, that it was me who they wanted and I was flattered. For a moment I felt like a princess in a fairy tale and my Prince had finally come to rescue me. I was prepared for my happily ever after.

This. Is not it.

Reality has hit hard and now I almost wish I was back at Bronzelake but like a terminal illness the knowledge the tribe is out there gnaws at me and keeps me here. This hope that Khai has so cruely implanted in my heart makes me almost wish to cry.

Asir would give me a place to stay yet never had I known a home more miserable. In the elements without real shelter aside from a musky tent that smells more of dirt and sex than anything I would care to sleep in. The noise the mates make when they do not decide to go off on their own is scarce what one can sleep through and to make matters worse I cannot help but be conflicted with pangs of fear and jealousy. What happened between Asir and I went beyond any expectation and Khai's reaction to it is so closed-lipped I can only anticipate the worst.

Metal collar with no clasp.  Sealed through mechanism or arcana.  Numbers identify Chacho.  Insignia unknown origin.

7 7 5 2

"Greatness is depth of pocket"

Shown upon the fountain upon entering the City of Ul'dah.  Three dark crystals and a fountain of water, a commodity rare in the desert.  Tones that depict that one can only be great when one is willing to spend a lot of ... gil?  Time? Energy?