𝔻𝕚𝕣𝕥𝕪𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕤𝕄𝕒𝕤𝕔

There I saw you standing, must've been a holy light

every longing stare. every time Duke met, and very often defied a fate that meant leaving Nathan, and Nathan staring at him like he was the very air he needed to breathe to survive. after Ball and Chain. after the car wreck. when Duke coughs to life after drowning. after getting him back from the barn. after every cough and moment he ended up on the ground, but he's still breathing. after he came back through the fog.

'Cause I can't see and I can't feel, but the color in your eyes is saying

Nathan can't feel a single hug he gives to Duke. can't feel their hands on one another. every touch of affirmation, of grounding, of it's ok, I'm here. it goes unfelt. he can't bring himself to see Duke as he truly is, vision fogged by every wall of protection and resentment he put between them. and yet those brown eyes always find him.

if my dreams come up empty, and I wash up on the shore, you would find me at the beach in every life. through every door.

every time Nathan's world fell apart, since he was a kid, since he broke his arm sledding, to feeling like a failure wanting to quit the force, to the very end. Duke was there. he'd always end up at Duke's side. carried by him to ER. playing pool. on his boat. in his bar. in his arms. finding relief and respite in his presence no matter how much he proclaims to hate him. Duke is his shore when he lost at sea. sometimes he get's scraped on the rocks of Duke's ways, cut on the barnacles of their past. but it's solid dry ground nonetheless. a familiar face behind a door, whether he has the guts to reach out to him or not [whether he flees the Gull like a coward, or he embraces him].

With a boombox at your father's

Duke saved him from breaking under his father's pressure. gave up a life of potential prosper all to ensure a cop who knew him like the back of his hand and would always beat him to the punch, see through his lies, find his hiding spots, knew his mind, would stay on the first. to get Nathan to keep the badge that gives him the permission to hassle him. all without credit.

he helped bury his father. even though he didn't have to. even though he had every right to be angry that Garland saved one troubled boy, and it wasn't him. even though Nathan had been just short of difficult lately. he helped him bury him.

Walking with you at the morgue

and when Duke was plagued by the loss of a lover— Evi, Jennifer —ready to let the pain kill him. let it rip him apart. he walked right by his side. keeping him safe.

You don't have to search when I know everything you're looking for. Oh, and we could talk about it. Or just stare at the wall

they're so similar. painfully similar. their fates tied. two sides of the same coin. they know each other so well because they're all but mirrors. but they don't like to talk about it. they'll sit over a beer or trade fists or shout words they don't mean, then acknowledge it.

But I think that you know better than what they think they call, "A luminary no one... is all they'll ever be"

everyone told him Duke was a no one. he believed it, said it himself. but was constantly reminded. Duke was a lowlife. a criminal. a no good waste of space. and yet...

And how could you be no one, when you're everything to me?

Duke was his best friend. his partner in crime. the man who saved him time and time again when Nathan himself didn't deserve it. his rival. his enemy. the bravest, most selfless man he ever knew. a man who might have been and could have been more than a friend. a man he might have loved. a man he did love. he just wasn't always sure in what way that was. a man he hated just as much. a man he would try to save again and again and again, while promising their fate at every turn. his greatest mistake, regret, pain. his greatest love, friend, and creator of his fondest memories.

You're everything to me. You're everything to me. You're everything to me

and it really doesn't seem like a "well, if nathan remains a cop, i benefit from it because he'll always let me off easy" or whatever. like duke he didn't do it for himself. he did it purely for nathan's happiness. so that nathan can look good to his dad. so that nathan can remain a cop because he knows nathan wants to be a cop. and it happened during the height of their animosity too, welllllll before audrey came into town and made them get their shit together.

She might even start angrily unpacking his bags causing Spider to get a little annoyed. “Hey… Hey! Stop that!” He tries taking back his satchel, but Neytiri shoots him a glare that makes him freeze. “You know what? Fine. Keep it. It’s not like we’ll ever see each other again.” Cue him storming out, but Neytiri pulls him back towards her. I dunno just Neytiri coming to terms with how much she loves this boy during the process of him moving out and tries (and succeeds) in stopping him.

she was SO hoping to finally be at peace... only to actually be going slightly mad, because what do you mean the fragile, tiny, weak little human (she does not see his blessing. in both an insolent way, and the way a mother never truly stops seeing her babies as babies) is leaving her nest so soon? she never wanted him there to begin with, but it has woven around him, he is part of its structure now. who will make Kiri smile and keep her tethered to the ground? who will Lo'ak go to when his father is too strict, and she and Neteyam are too Na'vi, and Kiri is too lost in her mind, and Tuk is too young to help? who will force Neteyam to be the child when she forgets to tell him, and Jake forgets at all? who will watch Tuk when she is too small to follow the others? how will she take up all the places he fills in her family?

how will she know he is safe? sure, she never liked him much. but he had been so small the first few years he played amongst her children. tiny. fragile. and 15 years of peace is a long time. eventually, part of her, untouched by war, who was simply a mother, a caregiver, saw how small he was, and worried. his cry alerted her ears just as quickly as her own children's, before she realizes who's throat it came from. the sight of a bloodied knee had her reaching for a salve before she could even say a word, and soon she kept one that wouldn't burn his skin right by the entrance of the mauri, next to the one for her children, and she knew the difference by feel alone (she tells herself it's so he will stop crying quicker and she does not have to hear it. that's it's just easier. not actual care). she worried about that mask breaking, or slipping off his face, or failing all together. she had counted his head with the rest of her childrens. and ensured there was fruit cut that he could eat (she didn't want to hear any whining, she told herself. from him or her children. mainly her children. why fight it when she could just save herself time?)

sure, when the war returned, her shell hardened and her claws sharpened and she wanted him far far away.

but 15 years and 2 are vastly different. one is scared instinct, while the other, the former, that is muscle memory.

she hates that he is near. but she'll never stop worrying about him, deep somewhere in her being.

so the idea of him being gone? out in the world? alone? no. no she will not have it. just like she would not allow the same of any of her children.

fear turns to anger. how could he leave? leave her children? leave her to worry over him? he's selfish for that. surely. or... or... bold. over confident. foolish. something, anything that justifies the ache in her chest that isn't her own guilt and worry sticking to her heart like tar.

and Spider is so mad when she tries to stop him, cause he knows he'd be weak to even the slightest touch of motherly affection. he knows that if he does not draw her anger, and she softens even an inch, he will falter. this is all he's ever longed for. more then freedom. more then Eywa's blessing. more then to see the world.

he always wanted a mother.

and she's tugging at his stuff. tugging him away from his ikran, trying to shoo him away, hissing when the creature shrieks at her.

"you will stay, because I say so. because you... you are not allowed"

"why? didn't you want to get rid of me all this time?!"

and she thinks, and thinks, and thinks. because... yes. yes she had. until she had to think of what that really meant.

"you... you are foolish to leave. you will destroy everything. destroy my children. going yourself into danger for no reason. I will not let your insanity kill you." the grip she has on his arm is not kind. it's bruising. but maybe her thumb flutters once or twice in a way that's nearly comforting.

"... that's not fair" and his voice is cracking, he won't look at her, "you can't... hate me. and make me want to run away, for you, my whole life... and then tell me I can't leave."

"yes I can. I have."

she's still holding his items. a bow she never taught him to use, and yet, she knows he shoots like her. a shawl made of materials that were beneath her, when she knew he could make beautiful works if he felt like he was allowed. his spare blade is tied to the top of his pack, it looks strikingly like her own. it's a child's pack. he wasn't prepared to fly.

"you will stay." and she pushes him back toward the mauri. "you will stay in my sight until I deliver you to Norm myself."

"... fine." he swallows, "but I'm leaving. eventually."

"maybe."

This makes me feel so soft. I love this dream house.

Even if he did pack appropriately and leave, Neytiri would still go out of her way to track him down (she's the clan's best hunter for a reason) and carry him herself back home, where she can watch him. She's watched him grow up alongside her children, his presence has become part of her daily life, and she can't fathom him being absent from her life and the lives of her children. It wouldn't matter if he DID visit her children as much as he can...she would still see the back of him once the sun set and be forced to wait days or weeks for him to visit.

Unacceptable.

and he's upsetting her children. leaving. even if they proclaim it's ok. she sees now that they truly need him. so he must come home. for them.

meanwhile Spider is pissed. he wants freedom. he wants to stay.

he doesn't know what hurts more. the need to flee. for his sake and her's. years of building itch under his skin to go where he isn't a living reminder for others, and living in a cold and lonely limbo of not belonging. or the want to stay. it's not fair that only now Neytiri seems to want him, in her own way. it's not fair he's so weak to it. it's not fair that he wants to stay with her and curl into a hold that will not be as soft or as gentle or all consuming or unconditionally as he longs for it to be. none of its fair. none of it makes sense.

but... if he learns that she is very gentle when bringing him home and for a week or two after, before things go back to what they normally were... maybe a game of cat and mouse becomes their thing.