sen

all of my holly and

all of my jolly

have been taken from me

i wonder if i ever really had it to begin with

what stage of grief is this?

what am i grieving?

myself?

does this mean i have finally hatched

not out of joy

but curiosity

curious to see where i can begin to feel

a smudge of the magic we used to make

together

tethered to others

why must the feeling stay in her

why must it fly over him

no more whys please

be wise

- it’s just a second in the mirror

One of the most distressing things I hear from people who want to ‘convert’ me is them mentioning that I am ‘pretty’

If I don’t think im pretty that’s my own problem

But it’s the fact that that’s one of the only reasons they want you to stay alive, so strangers

If I wasn’t ‘pretty’ would my struggles make sense to you then? Would there be more to dig up?

Of course there is. I know I need to get under my own surface, that is my plan. I am not aimless anymore

youre telling me i might’ve been a percentage bit more mentally stable if i had just gotten better eye care?? but fuck you poke at one hole and you’ll find the rest of the if’s gushing out, we could start from my head to my toes:

there is a reason

i feel cracks in my body

there is a reason

i developed an autoimmune disorder at 14

there is a reason for

everything.

for now

you are my reason to go to bed

i am the reason i thought of you

the best part of you

is you don’t know who you are

because even i

don’t know who i am

however i can see our silhouettes sharing a cigarette together gazing at the stars in sky

- my ears start to ring again

it is a lot different here, away from you all

i didn’t and i won’t