they won't be home tonight.

Dear fucking God, if I have to sit through another high school show of Bye Bye Birdie, I might fucking lose it.

Why would you willingly do that?

Actually, I’m really not sorry, but I feel like that’s the appropriate thing to say. What the fuck did I miss?

The more I warm up my voice, the more I start to wonder if my neighbors think I’m crazy and wonder what I’m doing.

They probably do.

It’s 2am and I can’t even think about sleeping. Warm milk hasn’t helped, having a human teddy bear isn’t helping. and lights off isn’t working any more than lights on did. Maybe it’s time to admit that I won’t be getting my sleep schedule back on any kind of normal track before school starts back.

Warm milk is fucking gross.

Why do some people think that just because you’re a yoga instructor, you can and want to do unspeakable things with everyone in bed? Most of us are not even remotely insterested in that.

Most, not all.

Why are you quitting?

Because I do all of the work and get ultimately nothing in return.

Oh shit, that is pretty awkward. I wouldn’t like to be in your situation.

I wouldn’t even like to be in my situation.

I do throw quite the tea party extravaganza! No, no, not Channing Tatum, silly…Zac Efron! Just kidding- of course it’s you! #sethisthehottest2k15 If you would have talked all fancy to me, then I would have definitely wanted to date you even more than I already did! You’re sound so old whenever you talk all business-like! It’s so cute! Well, talking all pro isn’t really in my job requirements, since I talk to five year olds all day!

I bet you do, I don’t doubt your tea-party-throwing skills whatsoever. Oh, I’m more of a Channing Tatum fella myself. ME? Nah, I’m not all that great. Really? Shit, I should’ve wooed you with my everyday office talk lingo -- then I would’ve dated you much sooner. But I don’t want to sound like an old business man, though. They’re boring. Oh, true. You could totally talk all business like to a kiddo if you wanted to.

She would, or just yell at you in the street. You should have heard her when she found out about me. Thank Christ I drove up to tell her in person. 

Do you need a snuggle? Well, lets think of your skills - drinking, sex, drug using, and sarcastic asshole-ry. Sounds a lot like you need my job, honestly. 

That’s almost worse than her beating me up. With her lungs, I could hear her from a mile away. God, she’s scary when she’s mad. Wait, you told her in person? What did she say?

Douchebag McGee, normally I appreciate your humor but not now. Lets just agree to keep this from mom, alright? She’s already had to deal with me dropping out, lets not tell her that you’re now jobless or she’ll take New York away. 

Are you good? Like, mentally?

I wasn’t going to tell her anyway, she would probably come down here and whip my ass herself. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Nope, we’re not dating. We’re just friends, who like to hook up every now and then. Wow, what a lazy ass..im kidding. What were you going to the store for?

Oh, so you’re the special kind of friends. I see. I was gonna grab some cookies, since I was stoned as fuck, but my laziness got the best of me.

Not much really, heading out with Taylor for the night. 

What about you?

Are you guys dating or something? I was gonna go to the store, but I’m kind of too tired to get up at the moment.

Mhm. M’not judging it’s just - what are you doing? 

Good question, I have no idea. Maybe I’ll be one of those hot dog vendors you always see. Do you know where to sign up for that?

I think not losing your mind is more important then free booze my friend.

Sadly, it is.

…

Before you get all “why didn’t you tell me?” on my ass, I’ll have you know that I was literally just in the process of texting you.