｡₊°༺❤︎.ೃ࿔*:･

this is the reason is why people idolize hir so much. river’s distance from hir own desires comes off as selflessness, hir inability to feel proud of her achievements as modesty. river becomes an idol to those around her. everyone wonders ‘how can ze be so kind and capable and yet so humble?’ while river hirself is bewildered by their admiration.

river doesn’t outright reject it though, because they have no reason to. recognition is good, isn’t it? a stable career that allows hir to live comfortably and make small improvements should make anyone happy. so river doubles down, working mindlessly to obtain what ze thinks is good for hirself. all the while, ze feels increasingly resentful at how distant they feel from their success and the people who love/support them.

its no wonder that the idea of someone dismantling hir layer by layer, revealing and bringing out every negative trait in hirself is so appealing. river doesn’t understand where hir frustration begins, so ze needs someone to dig it out. gaius is someone who will break hir apart bit by bit, force hir to be the worst version of hirself, and river would allow it, if only for the chance to be seen.

river will suffer, badly, and in return ze gets what ze wants, which is to save others. its so simple compared to the confusing, meaningless suffering river experiences in mundane life that its irresistible to hir. the struggle gives river a single purpose, and a way to escape the complexity of existing. the pain is integral to the struggle, and is the selfish reward river receives for a deal that ze appears from an outside perspective get nothing out of.

but then, for reasons eden can't understand, river starts to grow more and more distant. in response, eden starts doubting herself again. she becomes obsessed with her research, and starts spiraling, neglecting her phyiscal and mental health in order to prove herself, and to claw back some sense of control after the one person she thought trusted her starts to push her away.

then one day river leaves, suddenly, and without a message or goodbye note.

wouldn't it feel like what they had meant nothing? worse, that river never believed in her in the first place? we see eden lash out at kat for allowing river to do this, but wouldn't it feel like a huge betrayal from river hirself too?