miss the misery

But before long, even Embry was ready to admit that the group was hearing about the woman ad nauseam. He felt terrible about it and would never openly voice his irritation behind Hunter’s back as Adonis did, but he did find himself eagerly counting down the days with hopes that her arrival would shift Hunter and Nadia back into being actual friends rather than event planners. It had been a little while since either of them had expressed any interest in his life while he was now the only one left still inquiring about Scout. 

“For fuck’s sake, why are we pretending she’s going to be anything special?” Adonis complained once safely in the lobby of Hunter and Nadia’s building. His loud outburst earned them a few raised eyebrows as they walked towards the door.

“Adonis, you can’t say that!” Hazel chided, sharply nudging his side with her elbow, “Could you just be nice?”

“Yeah, well, you said you wanted Nadia to move on, too.” The reaction he got from Hazel indicated that her words must have been said in what she believed was a private conversation. His face softened as he tried to undo the damage. “I just want my people back. I’m sure she’s fine or whatever, but if she’s going to be forced into this group, we gotta move on fast and be normal again. They didn’t even ask if we wanted her around. What if she sucks?”

“Jesus, Adonis, she’s his twin sister.” Embry shot Adonis an irritated look that he had no trouble returning upon entering the parking garage.

“Oh, word? I hadn’t heard that, like, a million times yet. Thanks for the update.”

“It’s one night,” Hazel sighed, “One night on your best behavior. Once she’s adjusted and her being here is normal, they’ll go back to being normal. She’s going to be a part of this group now.”

“We already have a fifth wheel. Do we really need a sixth?” Adonis asked, making his way to the driver’s side of his car with an animated shrug.

“He didn’t mean that!” Hazel was quick to interject with a sympathetic look Embry’s way, “He’s just bad with change.” “Yeah, for sure.” Embry brushed off the comment for Hazel’s sake but knew damn well what Adonis had meant. From the look in her eyes, she was acutely aware, too. 

“He’ll mellow out once they do.”

“I know sharing the spotlight with Nadia is hard, but he should really give himself a little more credit. Does he actually think he’s going to be overshadowed by an accountant?”

Hazel stifled her laughter and gave a quick wave before making her way over to the car. He offered a smile to Adonis that wasn’t returned as she buckled in for what he was sure would be an awkward ride home.

~ Albacore tuna (1 can) 190 cal. 42g pro. White rice (1 cup) 205 cal. Bone broth (479g). 70 cal. 17g pro. Avocado (50g) 80 cal.1g pro.

When the night finally arrived, the drive there was spent lost in thought. A week prior, his latest romantic… entanglement… had reached a dramatic end. The idea of putting his best foot forward and being engaged with the rest of the group tonight had become a tedious chore he was dreading. Knowing Hunter would have his hide for any behavior short of pleasant, he struggled to shake the memory from his mind in time to practice feigning interest.

~

Upon slipping the cuffs off her wrists, Embry had curled an arm around Veda’s waist and pulled her to his chest. 

“You’re amazing,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head.

“I don’t need your aftercare,” she sighed, moving out of his grasp to sit up at the edge of the bed.

“I just want to check in with you.” 

“Please,” Veda scoffed, “I have doms that aren’t afraid to actually hit me. Your scenes don’t warrant check-ins.”

When she started to grab at her clothes, he wanted to play cool and followed suit. Badgering her with more questions would only highlight how inexperienced he was compared to her. Veda had shown him more excitement in 2 months than he’d ever felt in 8 years of having sex. And at first, he had felt special, like she had chosen him. She had helped him learn something about himself that made being intimate more enjoyable. As it became clear that he was unable to be more aggressive with her and she was unwilling to be more obedient and receptive with him, she had started to pull away.

“Embry, we can’t do this again.”

Finally: the other shoe had dropped. He should have let it fall without question.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… it’s not working.”

“If you tell me what to change, I can fix it.”

“I’m not talking about the sex. I mean, I am, but that’s just… part of the larger issue. We’re not a good fit and it’s not right for me to do this to you anymore.”

“So, what, you came over to have sex knowing you were going to do this?”

“I wanted to end things on a high note.”

This was madness. He couldn’t believe how nonchalantly she had said it. Squeezing at his temples with his palms, he tried to force the information through.

“This is seriously how you’re breaking up with me?”

“That!” Veda interrupted, snapping her finger while pointing his way, “That’s what I mean. I’m not breaking up with you, Embry. We were never in a relationship.”

“I don’t know what else to call it!” 

“It’s not that personal.”

“Really? Because this seems pretty personal, Veda.”

“It’s not you-”

“It’s not you, it’s me. Really? I’d respect you more if you didn’t use a line with me.”

She paused for a moment and avoided looking his way. Part of him hoped she was realizing it was just cold feet and that she hadn’t meant to do this. That part was in for an unfortunate awakening.

“I can tell you want to kiss me. I see that it hurts you when I pull away.”

He pursed his lips. It was true, but he didn’t like hearing it.

“I have fun with you, but you know we both want more. You want an obedient little sub to play with and love on. You want to kiss and cuddle and actually get to know me,” Veda sighed, sitting back down on the bed, “Embry, you want a girlfriend and that’s not how this works. We’re friends with benefits and nothing more.”

“Friends still know things about each other.”

“Fine: we’re fuck buddies.”

“Buddies still know things about each other.”

“Stop it! Just stop. I don’t want a boyfriend. I was honest on my profile. It says I want casual sex. That’s not your cue to try harder. You’re obviously not cut out for casual things, so let’s stop wasting our time.” “That’s such bullshit, Veda. I’m not the boyfriend type. I told you I’ve never dated anyone long term. It’s all been casual.”

“And who initiated all those ‘breakups’, Embry?”

If she had hit him, it would have hurt less. While he managed to keep his expression blank, she sighed in a way that indicated she was somewhat remorseful for having to take such a low blow. 

“I’m a stranger. This isn’t an attack on you. It’s seriously not personal,” she repeated, emphasizing the word.

“Okay, fine. I am new to this. I always thought I wanted something serious before and now I know myself better. A long term commitment isn’t in the cards for me. I just need to adjust to this mindset after so many years. I’m sorry if I came off as too friendly or cuddly.”

“If you have to force it, it’s not something you’re built for. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but it won’t be with me. We’re just not right for each other.”

He thought that he’d be used to hearing that by now and that it wouldn’t hurt as bad as time went on. 

“Then I wish you the best.” 

“You shouldn’t keep lying to yourself about what you want. I get that you’re hurting and in a phase or whatever but you’re just wasting your time. There are plenty of girls out there who want a boyfriend who you won’t find if you’re set to just hookups.”

Yeah, he thought, and they don’t want me. 

“Well, you said yourself that you don’t really know me, so…” 

“I know it sucks right now, but you’ll be glad I did this in the future.”

“Yeah, I owe you one.”

Veda stared at him with an expression that almost displayed some kind of offense. Had she expected a tearful hug goodbye? Him to walk her to the door and fall to his knees thanking her for her wisdom? What more did she want from him when she was the one ending things? The sanctimonious preaching was as annoying as it was offensive.

Without further remark, she made her way down the hall and closed the door. He eventually made his way over to lock it before heading back to bed without dinner.

~

You were such a dick. Maybe you should apologize to her. 

Fuck that. She was being preachy and you’ll just look desperate. 

The ongoing war waged on until he finally walked inside the building and found Hazel in the lobby. Seeing her look him over and frown, he made a face back. 

“What? I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“You’re in gym clothes again.”

He looked over his outfit choice. She certainly had him there, but he was always dressed like this. If he wasn’t teaching, what was the harm in wearing joggers? He was usually on his way to the gym. Nadia wore leggings most of the time when they came over and nobody would dare critique her outfit choices.

“I didn’t think I looked that bad.”

“I guess I should just be glad you have a real shirt on and aren’t wearing a sweatshirt in the summer again,” she sighed, turning towards the sound of Adonis calling her name. 

If Embry had underdressed, Adonis had overcompensated in an ensemble straight from the 70’s. He soaked in the stares at his open silk shirt, flicking his designer shades up to smile at his adoring fans before wrapping an arm around Hazel’s waist. The gold fabric brought out the yellow hues of her sundress as she leaned into his embrace with a warm, lovestruck smile. 

You look so good in love. The words of Strait echoed around in his head. Hazel was naturally pretty, but there was no denying that something about Adonis gave her a certain added radiance. 

“See, babe? I told you he wasn’t dressing up,” Adonis laughed, kissing her cheek before leading them towards the elevator.

Oh, fuck you. I take it all back, you pompous asshole.

“I guess I didn’t get the memo,” Embry shrugged, shuffling in behind them and taking to the opposite corner with his arms crossed. Hazel giggled as Adonis tickled at her hip. Not wanting to stare at the googly eyes going on beside him, he turned back to face the lobby.

That’s when he saw her - and for a moment, time stood still.

A young woman had made her way inside behind them and was now taking in the hectic scene of the ground floor. Preoccupied with the hustle of those around her, she was blissfully unaware of how easily she had captured his undivided attention. It was wrong to stare, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. She was an unparalleled, otherworldly type of beauty - a striking contrast of deep ebony from the ink lines, soft waves, and torn fabric of her clothes against the ivory of her porcelain skin. Reminiscent of an old Hollywood femme fatale, the bewitching woman had managed to stop a few other residents in their tracks, as well. There was no doubt she was in this town to model. 

To his surprise, the woman suddenly started to rush towards them, calling out something he couldn’t make out over the sound of his heart beating.

“Could you hold that?”

Adonis began to rapidly press on the door close button. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I don’t want to deal with your sister if we’re late.”

“Stop it! It’ll just take a second.”

“That’s what stairs are for!”

As the door started to close, the woman called out again. With feeling back in his limbs, Embry tried to reach over to press the door open button. The inevitable argument between the two of them was prevented by their joint shock as both of their hands narrowly missed being crushed by the heel of a leather boot. The trio slowly scanned over to see the now clearly irritated woman with one leg wrapped around the door frame. 

Oh, I’m yours. 

The elevator beeped impatiently as she lowered her leg and slipped in with a scowl. Everyone remained silent until the doors finally shut. 

“Fucking asshole.”

“I’m the asshole? Your karate bullshit could have gotten us all stuck in here.”

“Stuck in an open elevator?” 

“You could have waited for the next one.”

“You could have not been a fucking asshole!”

Embry could feel Hazel’s eyes on him, probably willing him to play mediator like usual, but watching the woman tear into Adonis was too good to interrupt. Even in the heat of an argument, she was a work of art. How was she real?

“We’re running late. Could you tell me which floor we can dump you on?”

“Eat shit.”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you, too!”

“Okay, okay!” Hazel interrupted, raising her hands in surrender, “We’re really sorry.”

“Who is we?” Adonis snapped, earning the stink eye from Hazel. 

“Don’t let her apologize for you. It’s pathetic.”

“She’s gonna have to because I’m not sorry. I wish it had closed on you.”

“Don’t say that! He didn’t mean that.”

“No, Elvira, I meant that shit.”

“Yeah, short guys always have something to say.”

Embry stifled a laugh, trying not to draw any attention to himself. They still had a few floors to go. 

“What?!”

“We’re sorry! Please, okay? We’re sorry. We’re backing off,” Hazel explained, pressing a hand to Adonis’ chest to push him back towards the wall. 

The woman leaned back as well, brushing her shoulder against Embry’s arm. She looked his way and caught his gaze with the most magnetic blue eyes he’d ever had the good fortune to get lost in.

“Thank you for trying.”

Say something. Say anything. Stop just looking at her. Words failed, but he managed a small smile that he was relieved to see her reciprocate before she turned back to face the unusually quiet couple with a grin. 

When the longest ride in history came to an end as the doors promptly opened at floor 18, Adonis couldn’t accept not having the last word as the woman stepped out first. 

“Do everyone a favor and take the stairs next time.”

“Do everyone a favor and button up that shirt until you hit puberty.”

Though he angrily clarified that his full beard meant he was already grown, he got a silent middle finger in response as she slipped down the hall. 

“What is wrong with you?!” Hazel hissed, “One night! One night with no instigating. You promised me that.”

“I said no instigating with Nadia. That crazy broad deserved it! Who the fuck does that?!” When he wasn’t met with unanimous support, he waved them both off, “I see how it is. I look good so you all want to bring me down.”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“You caught us.”

“Well, you two make a shitty team. Always have.”

With Adonis sulking behind them, the trio turned down the opposite hall towards the familiar apartment. No matter how dull the night was now, Embry fully intended to tell Hunter and Nadia everything as soon as he could get them alone. They had a higher threshold for Adonis than he did, but even they would enjoy hearing that a stranger had confronted him rather than stroked at his ever-growing ego.

“You should have talked to her.” Hazel’s voice was low but playful. His side eye was met with batted lashes, “She liked you. What’s the worst that could have happened?”

Since they had met, Hazel had demonstrated a habit of noticing the minute details. They had once bonded over their love of being quiet observers and used to share their most interesting findings together. With a different partner in crime on her arm for the last three years, Embry had become a perpetual target of her gift rather than a confidant. He could fly under the radar anywhere else in the world but not with Hazel; she was always tuned in. It wasn’t worth trying to lie, as she’d only razz him more for the attempt. 

“She could have heard me.”

He cut off her next thought by knocking on the door. Hunter answered excitedly before noticing who was staring back. His face dropped immediately and he hurried them in. 

“She’ll be here any minute. Get in there.”

“I feel so welcome,” Hazel laughed, sliding past to find Nadia. 

As he and Adonis awkwardly followed suit, Embry considered staying out towards the front to be with Hunter, but the nervous energy from his pacing was too much to handle. He let Adonis head down towards the living room before deciding to move that way. 

“Scout wouldn’t let us help her move in, so he’s been like this all day. She called to say she was fine and everything,” Nadia explained, rounding the corner to give Embry a hug. “Why are you in gym clothes?”

You’re in yoga pants!

“I didn’t realize she was royalty. Is there a red carpet to roll out?”

“You look so nice when you’re teaching. It’s like you want to hide from us or something.”

Please don’t perceive my body. 

“Ah yes, your apartment. The perfect place to hide from you.”

“Your place won’t even be safe now,” she teased, sticking her tongue out. 

“Are you going to rob me?”

“Please - I have enough textbooks on my own.” With a sigh, she plopped on the couch beside Hazel, “Scout’s two floors under you. 709. At the very least, you’ll have to get used to sharing the gym.”

“Wait, the accountant does Pilates?” Adonis laughed. 

“Not exactly.”

Before they could dig into what Nadia meant by such a vague statement, they heard the door shut and laughter from the front room. From his spot on the wall, Embry could make out most of the conversation. 

“Come in, come in. Did you get here okay?”

“Yeah, but your neighbors suck. I’m glad you’re moving.”

“Did someone say something to you? I’ll kill them.”

“Yeah, a little Marvin Gaye looking fuck tried to close the elevator in my face and got mad at me for telling him he was being an asshole. Had his little bitty girlfriend apologizing on his behalf, too. Cringiest thing I ever saw, swear to God.”

Oh… oh no. 

“I’m so sorry. We’ve never had a problem here but I’ll keep an eye out.”

“If I see that fucker again, I’m knocking him out.”

Before he could even signal to Hazel that they were in serious trouble, Hunter and Scout rounded the corner. 

“Everyone, this is my sister, Scout, and -,”

“That’s him! That’s the fucker from the elevator. I hate this little guy!” 

Scout seethed while pointing towards the couch, leaving a panicked Adonis with no deniability upon meeting Hunter’s icy glare. The fear in his eyes would have brought Embry some sick pleasure if he hadn’t been focused on trying not to hyperventilate. 

“You tried to shut the elevator door on my sister?”

“I.. you… I didn’t know she was your sister, man. You said she was an accountant!”

“I am!”

“You look like a Hot Topic manager. How was I supposed to know?!”

From the way Hunter quickly shot an arm out to hold Scout back, they all got the feeling they were dealing with a loose cannon. 

“You shouldn’t treat anyone like that,” Nadia snapped, folding her arms over her chest, “This is why there are so many rumors about you being a prick, Adonis.”

“I knew I recognized you, you prick,” Scout scoffed, forcing Hunter’s arm back down.

“This is all a big misunderstanding, okay? Adonis was being a shithead and he’ll apologize for that.” Hazel interjected, “Let’s not ruin a good night.”

Adonis made a face but managed an apology. Looking down the barrel had a way of making even the most notorious of assholes have a change of heart. Running his mouth was easy, but using it to try and convince Hunter not to drop him off the balcony would have been impossible. Either satisfied with the victory or wanting to keep Hunter happy, Scout offered an equally monotone ‘thank you’ before Nadia ushered them all into the kitchen for dinner. 

Aside from pizza being an unsafe food, Embry felt too nervous to stomach anything other than the green tea Nadia offered his way. As everyone tried to exchange tense pleasantries, he tried desperately to blend into the background. To his credit, there were plenty of nights that he and Hunter could sit in silence and simply observe their more extroverted peers carry the conversation without issue. Tonight, however, he could feel Nadia and Hazel shooting him concerned looks about his lack of engagement as Scout described her work as a forensic accountant.

“You know, I’m really surprised neither of you ended up writing!” Hazel noted.

“If you knew our dad, that wouldn’t shock you,” Hunter grumbled. Nadia took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. 

“I do write, actually,” Scout explained, looking nervous at the admission. 

“You published a book under a fake name or something?” Nadia asked. 

“No, um, I don’t write novels or anything.”

“Oh, like fan fiction?”

“What? No.” 

Scout shot her a confused look for the suggestion. Even Hunter seemed surprised to hear of the hobby, which Embry found amusing. After spending weeks learning all about the woman, she showed up with a mystery for them all. 

“I have this anonymous blog where I write reviews. It’s gone kind of viral and some companies have started sending me stuff. I don’t really know why ‘cause I’m pretty mean, but I guess they think it makes them look unbiased and open to feedback or whatever.”

“Well, that’s cool. Are you an Amazon partner? I hear they make serious money. I thought about trying but Hunter says I order too much anyways.”

“No, it’s… it’s more female oriented.”

“What, like bras and shit?” Adonis asked, fully invested now. 

“Sometimes, yeah. I’ve gotten some underwear before. It’s uh,” Scout started before giving a laugh and shrug as she accepted her fate, “It’s for toys, mostly. They’re expensive and you can’t exactly try before you buy, so I go down that rabbit hole and post what I think. Kinda started as a way to rant but people seem to like it.”

Nobody even dared to breathe. Embry had never seen anyone render Adonis speechless before, but Scout was just full of surprises tonight. It was so brash, so confident, so out of left field that nobody knew what to say. He kept his expression as neutral as possible and made no attempts to look at Adonis, who he could feel staring into the side of his face looking for someone to freak out with, or towards Hunter, for far more complicated reasons. Rather than letting his mind wander, he filled it with the thought that he had really, really boring papers to grade. 

“I… I think that’s great,” Hazel offered, breaking the ice, “It sounds like you’ve cornered a niche market. Are you on any other social media?”

“Thanks,” Scout smiled softly, relieved that someone was still capable of looking at her, “I’ve been asked to make a business profile on a couple platforms. Cosmo has posted a few of my reviews on their website, too.”

“That’s you?” Nadia asked, turning with an excited grin, “You’re Ann O?”

“Yeah,” Scout nodded, “It’s my middle name, last initial. As fate would have it, it’s pretty solid wordplay.”

“So how much does porn pay these days?” Adonis asked, leaning in inquisitively, “It seems like everybody is making one of those profiles lately.”

“Are you fucking deaf?” 

“It’s not porn, you dolt,” Nadia snapped, “Ignore him. He can’t stand not being the star of the evening.”

“Hey now, I’m just curious. If this music thing fails me, I might have to rely on my good looks to get by.”

“Not the trust fund?” Hunter asked, finally managing to speak again while getting a big laugh. Adonis threw his hands up before leaning back in his chair to sulk. “I want to thank you for doing it anonymously so I don’t have to hear about it from dad.”

“I didn’t do that for him,” Scout scoffed, “It’s for abuela and being able to criticize Aunt Callie’s business without mom having to deal with her.”

Tension. How unexpected for the seemingly put together, old money Odair family.

“So Scout, did you explore your building at all?” Hazel asked, trying to get the evening back on track.

“Not really. I just threw everything inside and made my way here.”

“You should have let us help,” Hunter sighed. 

“I don’t need your help,” Scout grinned before flexing her impressive arms his way, “That was my workout for the day.”

“You’ll need those. Embry’s gotten used to having a private gym and might not want to share,” Hazel laughed, turning to give him a wide eyed smile. It was the same look she gave Adonis to signal her thinly veiled irritation. 

“Oh really? Is it nice?” Scout asked, turning her full attention his way, “They’ve been telling me our building is a bunch of old people, so I wasn’t expecting much.” 

Prior to this evening, Embry would have cited defending his master’s thesis as the most stressful social encounter of his life. That had come on the tail end of years of developing, studying, and writing until the research was fully embedded in his mind. This seemingly harmless conversation with no planning had him bouncing his leg and trying to figure out an excuse to leave.

“Yeah.”

Five blank faces stared back, waiting for him to elaborate. Couldn’t they see if he tried to speak, he’d end up stammering and making a bigger fool of himself? 

“Oh, okay.”

Now Nadia was mirroring her sister’s expression, proving it was hereditary. Unlike her more subtle sister, Nadia was unwilling to let up.

“We all talked your ear off and didn’t even let Embry get a word in. You must be wondering who the hell is at the end of the table.” 

Please don’t do this. 

“Not with how much Hunter talks about him,” Scout smiled, “You’re a professor, right?”

“Yeah, uh, adjunct professor.”

You shouldn’t have elaborated.

“History, right?”

Rather than saying ‘yes’ again, he nodded but managed what he believed to be a convincing smile.

“Specializing in American Indian Studies,” Hazel chimed in, “He’s working on his PhD.”

“That sounds time consuming.”

Why was this difficult? Everyone was being kind. The attention was harmless - affectionate, even! Scout seemed interested in asking questions about him. This should have been his chance to make an impression. But the spotlight burned at his flesh. The more eyes on him meant more opportunity to screw up and be seen for the absolute mess he was on the inside. Even having the desire to make an impression on her now that he knew she was Hunter’s sister was a damning confession about his true nature. 

“Mm, well, we can’t all have fun jobs.” He offered the forced compliment before immediately closing his eyes in disbelief.  Adonis let out a chuckle, solidifying that everyone else had also taken his comment the same way. “The accounting job, I mean. Yeah, uh, that’s.. That sounds fun.”

“Does it? Does it really?”

Someone kicked Adonis under the table for his comment, but his smile was unwavering. The awkward uncomfortability emanating from Embry was the exact kind of chaos he thrived in. 

At that moment, Embry realized he despised him for it.

~

When Nadia suggested moving into the living room, Embry took the opportunity to spend a minute hiding in the bathroom to formulate a plan of escape. By not eating, he could easily spin that he was feeling off and needed to go home. After that, he just needed to move apartments and change his identity or run back to Oklahoma tonight to start all over. 

No, you’re more grounded than this. You have too much to lose by giving up now.

An Irish goodbye was never his style. He headed back out and decided that an ‘early morning engagement’ would require less of him than any other plan. Nadia, Hazel, and Adonis sat in the living room, locked in a heated discussion about something in the celebrity gossip world. Catching Nadia’s attention, she waved him back down the hall.

“They’re smoking on the balcony.”

Nadia had accepted Hunter’s habits back in college, but had put her foot down hard when they moved in together. Perhaps she was feeling more lenient due to the celebration. 

Giving her a quick nod, he made his way towards the balcony door. If he didn’t look in her direction, he wouldn’t get too tongue tied in his goodbye. He could thank Hunter for hosting and leave just as he would after any get together. There was no possible way he could screw up a quick conversation like that. With the balcony door ajar, their conversation stopped Embry in his tracks.

“What’d you think?”

“I still don’t like the little one.”

“Hazel?” “Shut up,” They laughed in unison before Scout clarified, “Adonis Derringer. All the rumors are true. Why do you even put up with him?” “He’s Hazel’s boyfriend, a friend of a friend,” Hunter answered in a nonchalant tone, “He can be a lot but he’s usually harmless. I’m still going to talk to him about the elevator thing…. And the porn thing. Might have to beat his ass for those.”

“You should talk to her about dumping him,” Scout sighed, “She’s cute. A little squeaky like her sister-”

“Careful now.”

“But inoffensive. I wouldn’t mind spending more time with her.”

“She’d really like that. It’s been hard for her to make girl friends since, well, you know.” “That’s another strike against him in my book.”

“As long as you keep your thoughts about him to yourself, it’d be nice for you to make a friend, too.”

“You just want to pawn me off, don’t you?”

“Never! I want you to be a part of the group. You’re stuck with me now, but it’ll make life a lot easier if we all get along. That means being friendly with Adonis, Hazel, and Embry.”

Scout snickered, earning questioning from Hunter. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. It’s just… I feel like you lied to me. I’ve been so jealous from afar of this perfect Embry figure.”

“I didn’t lie. He’s my best friend, but you have nothing to be jealous about.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” she laughed. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hunter’s voice grew serious and her laughter trailed off.

“Hunter, come on. Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?”

“He’s boring.”

Ouch.

“He is not. He’s just a little shy. He doesn’t like being the center of attention.”

“Which is fine for being friends with you, but to the rest of us, he’s like… dull.”

“That’s not true. I’m telling you that’s not true.”

“Hunter, he’s like if missionary made a wish to become human,” Scout laughed, feigning a snore for good measure. 

Which was worse: hearing his dream girl openly state how he wasn’t remotely her type or hearing Hunter start to laugh before stopping himself? 

“Be nice. You just got off on the wrong foot tonight… and he’s always been a little nervous around women outside of work. Don’t repeat that.”

Dude!

“Fine. I guess relating the native guy to anything involving the word missionary is pretty fucked up, even for me.”

“And don’t say shit like that, okay? He’s just going through some stuff right now. Once he’s out of his shell and you meet the Embry I know, you’ll like him.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s a real firecracker.”

~

Whole eggs (2) 180 cal. 12g pro. Eggs whites (2 servings) 50 cal. 10g pro. Chicken sausage (1 link) 110 cal. 13g pro. Blueberries (1 cup) 80 cal.

Despite being wounded by the comments, Embry decided staying until Adonis and Hazel left was a better way to save face. The next few days were relatively quiet with Hunter trying to show Scout around the city and Hazel getting as much time with Adonis as possible before he flew out to New York for a few day recording session. Without having Veda to check in on, he was left to his own devices. 

That freedom would have been far more exciting in someone else’s hands. His routine was entirely unchanged, as any real deviation would have risked putting him over the edge. If he focused on maintaining the status quo, he could force things to go back to normal without having to handle the fact they had been disturbed in the first place. It was always just a matter of discipline.

While ending his workout with a short stint on the treadmill, he was too focused on his music to realize that someone had made their way in. His usual spot was the only section without any mirrors, leaving him blissfully unaware of the arrival until Scout leapt up onto the machine next to him. 

“You listening to yee yee shit in there, farm boy?”

“What?” he asked, sliding a headphone out. 

“I asked if you’re listening to that yee yee shit. You’re an Okie, no?”

How rude. How can you say that with such a nice smile?

“I have a workout playlist, so…,” he said, offering a pursed lip smile before putting his headphone back in. The last thing he wanted to do was earnestly engage with Scout Odair again. Lord only knows what stupid thing he’d say next.

She seemed to take the hint about talking, but still chose to start running next to him. He could feel her eyes on him but refused to look her way. Her feelings had been made abundantly clear on the balcony. What was her angle? If he was such terrible company, why had she seemingly sought him out?

His train of thought was interrupted by her hand reaching over and pressing to increase his speed. If his reflexes had been any slower, he’d have been sent tumbling to the ground. Glaring her way now, her grin suggested that had been the intended outcome.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” “Too fast for you?” She asked the question innocently while increasing her own speed just above his.

Had he once described her as a work of art? He had meant pain in the ass. She was a clearly deranged woman with a sick sense of humor. Embry was no stranger to bullies, but hadn’t faced any quite so obvious in several years now.

“Could always just give up!”

That was usually his go to method. The list of things he’d actually fight for was concise. Most petty arguments failed to make the cut. But something here had him unusually riled up. Was it the weight of everything falling apart around him or how her smug demeanor made his stomach flip? Either way, he surprised himself by pressing the button to surpass her. 

It went on for longer than he would have cared to admit to anyone. His 20 minute cool down had turned into a full blown cardio session to protect his pride. Playing chicken was childish and petty. What business did he have being worked up by a woman who was virtually a stranger? An ill-tempered, snarky stranger who seemed to be having the time of her life while racing him. Amidst the huffing and puffing, he could hear her laughing to herself before she finally smacked the emergency brake to end her reign of terror.

“All right, all right, I surrender.”

Stepping off the treadmill, she flopped down to the ground to catch her breath between bursts of laughter. When he stopped and turned around to look at her in bewilderment, it only seemed to make her more excited. Here she was, glistening and gorgeous, and all she wanted to do was laugh at him. 

“Hunter said you played soccer… said you could really run… I thought there was no way…  you’re big as a house,” she wheezed, “But fuck… you still got it, Chief.”

“Don’t call me that,” Embry panted, giving her the sternest look he could manage. Adonis had tried the nickname once and had been quickly shamed out of it by the rest of them. Clearly Scout needed the same crash course on political correctness.

“Eh.”

He watched her wave off his complaint and felt himself becoming more irritated. So not only was she incapable of following social graces, but here she was refusing to listen to simple requests for human decency. As funny as it had been when Adonis had been in the hot seat, Embry now found her far more abrasive than amusing. It seemed she and Hunter couldn’t have been more different if they tried. 

“I feel like I need a cigarette.” 

“Smoking is bad for you.”

Scout stared at him for a moment and shook her head, “Most of the best things in life are. Don’t you ever relax?” 

She seemed surprised at him narrowing his eyes at her in response. 

“You don’t get to talk to me like that. I don’t know you,” Embry clarified, feeling guilty for how harsh it came out. He was frustrated with her, but that didn’t justify the tone. “That was dangerous. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Jesus, Chief, I was just busting your balls.”

“Well don’t.”

He watched as her lip started to curl. Her expression gave a flash of anger before melting into something far more relaxed than her typical scowl. His unwillingness to banter with her had caught her off guard - and he got the feeling she was used to a far more positive response. With how Hunter sang her praises, it seemed likely that Scout had never heard the word ‘no’. 

“I guess that wasn’t as good for you as it was for me.”

You’re such a brat. 

~

Hard boiled eggs (2) 120 cal. 12g pro. Beef stick (1) 100 cal. 10g pro. Pumpkin seeds (28g) 150 cal. 7g pro.

It became clear that Scout was nothing if not vexing. Without fail, she showed up in the gym everyday with her comments ready. Embry tried ignoring her or turning up his music, but that only seemed to bring her more joy. Knowing that she was getting under his skin consistently brought that witchy smirk right back to her full lips. He tried not to look but knew she was still giving a little wave goodbye as he made his way back upstairs. 

Why couldn’t he stop taking the bait? The question plagued him at all hours for the next month. He had always been capable of keeping a low profile and winning others over. All the seniors who had been suspicious of him when he moved in were extremely friendly now after getting to know him. But Scout seemed content with her pestering and jabs about him being a ‘no fun hick’. It wasn’t like he could help her bring in bags of groceries or fix up issues around her apartment to win her over. 

Yet when he asked what to do about the sociopath downstairs during a call home, nobody was particularly concerned by the nuisance. 

“It sounds like she’s trying to be playful.”

“Mama, she tried to kill me.”

“You’re fine. As long as Adonis is around and you don’t go turn into an elevator door or nothin’, you’ll be okay.”

Hearing laughter in the background made him roll his eyes. Jeremy had also lobbed a few ‘no fun’ allegations of his own before and must have been enjoying the news that someone else was heckling now. Embry had never taken the time to explain his responsible nature had stemmed from actually having to grow up. 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh at me.”

“Shiiiit, Embry, we’re not even laughing!” Leah insisted, shushing her audience, “What did Hunter say about it?”

“You want me to tell my best friend his sister is a psycho? Tell him he needs to take her with him when he moves or something?”

“Why are you still going to the gym at the same time?” Ashton asked, his voice too loud for him to be listening at a distance. 

“Mama, why am I on speaker?”

“‘Cause everyone wants to hear from you. And I don’t want to repeat everything three times.”

Of course. 

“I think you like it,” Jeremy jumped in, “Otherwise you would have told her to hit the bricks already.”

“You’re all wildly unhelpful. I’m hanging up.”

The chorus of ‘no’ was nice to hear. He had missed the feeling of being wanted. 

Ashton was eager to give his input, “If she’s really a bully, she won’t know what to do with you being nice to her. And if she’s just teasin’, maybe you can make a friend.”

“Yeah, you could really use some new ones.”

“Or I just need a new family to call home to.. y’all are losing your touch letting Jeremy near the phone.”

“You don’t get to pick us, but we love you all the same.” 

Ashton’s words were only somewhat overshadowed by Jeremy insisting the four of them hadn’t gotten to pick him either.

In the shared laughter, he felt his chest tighten. God, he missed them. Leaving home to spread his wings had been necessary at the time. Mama wouldn’t take no for an answer and worked too damn hard for him to have stayed, but being there was the only thing he wanted now that everyday felt more like desperately treading water than gracefully flying. 

“I’ve been away too long.”

“You know you’re always welcome.”

With those encouraging words in mind, he started his workout that afternoon fully prepared to try and indulge in whatever game Scout was playing. She arrived a few minutes later and started in immediately. 

“You could have done another rep, Chief.”

“I’m not as strong as you, I guess.”

Scout raised an eyebrow, stunned by how sincere he sounded. 

“You warm up at higher than my PR.”

“Fine - you’re mentally stronger than me,” Embry clarified, earning a snort from her. Killing her with kindness was going to be an uphill battle. Really, everything involving Scout was an uphill battle.

Unnerved by his reaction, she did end up leaving him alone for a few minutes as he finished his set. Mid-way though deadlifting, he caught her gaze again as she sat up from the bench press. 

“Add another plate.”

Setting the bar back down, he turned his music down.

“I’m sorry?”

“Add another plate. You’re not even struggling.”

Actually, I’m hungry, I’m cold, and I’m sick of your shit.

“I appreciate you looking out for me.”

“It’s not out of concern - I just can’t stand a wimp.”

“Okay.”

When he didn’t immediately start adding weight, she shook her head before laying back to start her next set. He tried not to look her way and risk another lashing, but still found himself taking the occasional glance over. She was impressive. All her hard work showed in her physique. Watching her lift more than some of the guys he worked out with in college was intriguing whether or not he personally enjoyed her company.

I think you like it. Jeremy’s words came back to the forefront of his mind. His experience with Veda had made it clear he wasn’t a masochist or sadist, but maybe some non-sexual part of him was a glutton for punishment. Having a smokeshow call him a loser did confirm all those terrible things he thought about himself. Maybe it was motivation. Maybe he desperately needed to get back into therapy. 

“Why are you staring at me?” Scout’s voice snapped him back to reality and he quickly looked away. 

Great, now you’re boring and creepy.

“That was a good lift,” he shrugged, “I wasn’t trying to stare, but that’s a lot of weight.”

“I can handle it.”

“Clearly.”

“Okay,” Scout snapped, hopping to her feet, “What is this? What’s with the compliments? Why aren’t you pretending like you can’t hear me and avoiding eye contact?”

“That was… rude of me. I don’t like being mean and I’m sorry about it.”

“I was being mean to you. You’re supposed to be mean back.”

“So it was on purpose.”

“You weren’t really giving anything to work with,” Scout shrugged, “At least when you were upset with me, you showed some sort of emotion.”

“You wanted me to be upset?”

“I wanted you to be something! All I’ve heard about for years is how funny you are and how charismatic you are. Every call home and it’s just Embry this, Embry that, Embry Embry Embry. Then I meet the guy and he can’t be bothered to get to know me.”

Never in his wildest dreams would he have ever guessed that Scout would have taken his inability to speak, look up, or be around her without melting that night as him being uninterested in her. Spending that night panicking that Hunter was going to somehow realize that he was attracted to her and kill him for it seemed silly in retrospect. Hazel knew better, but had everyone else just thought he was depressed? Or being rude?

“When you put it like that, this Embry guy kind of sounds like a dick. Definitely worthy of attempted murder by treadmill.”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic. If I wanted to kill you, I’d come up with something much more creative.” To his delight, her glare quickly turned into a genuine smile that stayed as he smiled back.  “I’d still like to, if I haven’t completely made an enemy out of you.”

“Like to what?”

“Get to know you. I mean, you seem pretty determined to follow me around, so we might as well talk to each other.”

Scout rolled her eyes, “I am not following you.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Not even that.”

“I lived here first.”

“Look, if we are going to talk, I’m the one that does the heckling.”

“I don’t get to heckle at all?”

“You’re not good at it. If you must, we can unite against Adonis.”

You’ve got it, babe.

“I’m completely amenable to those terms.”

“Wow - you’re a terrible negotiator, too. Thank God you went into academia.” 

“It’s because I’m such an empath, you know? And so funny and so charismatic.”

“Shut up,” Scout laughed, smacking his arm with the back of her hand, “You’re ridiculous.”

They stared at each other in silence for a brief moment. The sight of her no longer made him feel weak, but he would still have to work on getting his heartbeat to slow down. Scout was entirely off limits and obviously uninterested. She could be a friend, though, and he wasn’t in much of a position to turn down the company. Hunter was his closest confidant. Maybe he could find something similar in Scout.

The library had a healthy mix of undergrads, graduate students, and locals filling out the staff roster. Some of the younger students were too loud for his taste but Embry liked people enough to look past the immaturity. The rest of the bunch seemed to like him well enough, even if they did poke fun at him for essentially living in the stacks. It was a fair jab; when he wasn’t in class himself or teaching, he was back here for one reason or another. 

Class. Gym. Class. Work. Study. Sleep.  Gym. Class. Class. Work. Class. Sleep.  Study. Work. Gym. Class. Class. Sleep. 

A few weeks ago, one of the sophomores had asked him about his lunch. It sparked a discussion about his eating habits that most of the room felt the need to weigh in on. He had been polite, going so far as to brush off the concerns with jokes about trimming down for spring break, but the judgement and stares had plagued him for the rest of the day. Being the center of attention as TA Mr. Lee was comfortable. Drawing eyes just as Embry was not. He hadn’t gone back to eating at noon since. 

At 30 minutes on the dot, he made his way back onto the floor just in time to hear a yelp before the avalanche. A small woman hastily reached towards the mounting pile on the floor in an effort to conceal the tragedy. From the overturned stool beside her, it seemed that she had managed to keep herself upright but unintentionally sacrificed an entire row of the Reference & Research section. 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I can get it,” he offered, bending down to take over. 

“I’m good!” The woman squeaked, pulling herself upright in a hurry. In her haste, she smacked the back of her head right into his face. He blinked the stars away as she prattled off several apologies. 

“You’re fine. I’m okay. Did you.. did you need help finding something?”

“You’re bleeding! Oh my god, what did I do?!”

Embry tried not to wince as he pressed a finger below his nose. She noticed his discomfort and took to shaking as she started to cry. 

“Oh, no, no. Please don’t cry,” he urged, firmly wrapping his shirt collar around his nose, “I’m totally fine. It's just a little blood.”

Her eyes scanned the room before hopping out of the pile and racing towards the women’s restroom. He was fully convinced she had gone to throw up before she ran back out with a jumbled wad of toilet paper and shoved it towards his free hand. 

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she muttered, keeping her eyes low. 

“I’m gonna…,” he trailed off, nodding towards the bathroom. Somehow the sound of his voice hadn’t managed to get her to crack even the tiniest smile, “Would you mind leaving those there?”

When she sheepishly agreed, he set off to clean himself up. Today hadn’t been the best day to wear white. Unwilling to take his shirt off to scrub at it, he dabbed at it as best as he could once his nose had stopped leaking. The blotted, pink stain was an eye sore, but his face and hands had washed up without further issue. 

To his surprise, she was still in the aisle when he returned, having turned the stool into a chair. She looked up as he approached and quickly covered her mouth as she gasped. 

“I’m so, so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have come back up like that.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It looks like it’s broken. It’s raised up at the bridge.”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“My sister had her septum fixed back in high school and it looked just like this after surgery,” she spiraled, tugging at the hem of her cardigan nervously. 

“So that’s actually just my nose,” he explained, “It always looks like that. It’s, um, a native thing. But hey, I really appreciate the concern, and you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

She squeezed her eyes shut in a move he knew all too well. Without her rambling now, he managed to get a good look at her and was surprised by how tiny she was. Even with the step stool, she would have been several inches too short to reach the top shelf comfortably. He imagined she must have been too shy to want to ask for help and hoped that his presence now wasn’t embarrassing her any further. 

Perhaps more importantly, he noticed that she was hard to look away from. Her floral print dress and vibrant tights seemed completely out of place in the dreary Reference section. The eccentricity of it endeared her to him. In a matter of minutes, she had been sweeter to him than most people. Either that or the fact he found her ridiculously cute was buying her more grace than he’d ever usually extend to a stranger. Her expression scrunched up tighter as he remained silent. The adorable display managed to get a laugh out of him. 

“Are you, like, trying to turn back time?”

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

“I do that, too.”

“Has it ever worked?” She asked, peaking through her eyelashes. 

“No, but there’s a first time for everything,” he shrugged, kneeling down to start picking up the books, “I’m not taking it personally if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m usually so much more cognizant of that sort of thing. I don’t know why I said that.”

“I don’t know why you were trying to sift through this collection. It’s like you picked the biggest books to knock over.”

“Shut up! It’s for a class. My professor gave us this stupid library scavenger hunt thing. I need to write down the word at the top of page 312 in this one book, but I couldn’t find it.”

“Spuriousness.”

“I’m sorry?”

“That’s the word,” he smiled, stacking a handful of dictionaries back in place, “You’re going to learn about the third variable problem.” 

“You took Social Stratification?”

“In my sophomore year, yeah.”

“And you remembered that for two years?”

Ha! She thinks you’re a senior.  

“It’s been.. a little more than that. I’d like to take credit but you guys come in for the same assignment every semester, so..”

“Oh, duh. That makes way more sense,” she conceded, shaking her head, “Can you tell me what it is? Or find me the book in this mess I’ve created?”

“It’s a misleading correlation between variables. You think there’s causality between two things but there’s actually some unaccounted for variable that’s bringing them together.”

“Ah, yes, there’s always a secret third option that no one expects.”

“Mhm. It’s either that or sheer coincidence, but X and Y don’t actually have the relationship you thought they did, even though it looked real upon first glance.”

“That’s pretty good for someone who just finds the book for us aimlessly wandering undergrads.”

Hearing her compliment him made his stomach knot. He liked having her acknowledge him. The thought of having profusely bled in front of her now seemed embarrassing. 

“I try. I’d hate to not be able to help another scholar.”

When she smiled, he found himself smiling back just as warmly. Cute girls didn’t smile at him that often and he didn’t want to waste the opportunity. Hopefully he had gotten all the blood off his teeth.

“Thank you for your help…?”

“Embry, History.”

“Hazel, Social Work.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Hazel,” he said, reaching out to shake her hand. 

“You too, Embry,” she smiled, “Though I’m really regretting not just asking you for help in the first place.”

There was a brief pause where neither of them dared to speak. Either he had taken more of a hit than he realized or there was a palpable spark between them. He watched her bite nervously at her lip before making her way to her feet. 

“I should keep hunting. It’s due on Friday.”

Now or never, bud. 

The thought was paralyzing. It had been a few months since he had put himself out there. The memories of faces and bodies from undergrad were bleached from the cold light of hindsight. Those had fizzled far too quickly to be of value anymore, but was he ready to try again? His mama had always insisted that fortune favored the bold, but it was out of his nature to take such high stake risks. But there was something special about Hazel that he couldn’t ignore. 

“If I had your number, I could help out more.”

While he hadn’t sounded as confident as he would have liked, Hazel’s face lit up immediately. 

“I suppose that’s true. You seem to have the answers to all my questions.”

“I don’t know about that,” he laughed, “But I’d like to see.”

Hazel reached out a hand for his phone and swiftly typed in her number while he ignored the voice in his head that assured him he had crossed the line. By the time she passed it back and offered a quick goodbye, he was already drafting the perfect text in his head. 

~

Pork chop (grilled) 125 cal. 22g pro.  Steamed vegetables (1.5 cups) 40 cal. 2g pro.  Veggie rub (½ tsp). ~ 5 cal. Need a lower sodium seasoning. 

All that chaos and confusion in Embry’s life seemed to fall by the wayside. His initial fear that his schedule would keep them apart was quelled by simply waking up earlier to hit the gym - or doubling the day before. Sleep deprivation would catch up to him eventually if it could extend high enough into the clouds to find him. 

The world suddenly felt vibrant again. Had polka dots, flowers, and stripes always been so whimsical and fun? Why had he ever even had an attraction to a more gothic, alternative style? Rather than staring at piercings and tattoos, he found himself playfully guessing which color or pattern style she would have on today. In a stark contrast from his color scheme, she stood out in a crowd and fully captured the attention of anyone passing by. When she was around, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. 

Hazel was as wonderful as he had expected her to be. Their first date had highlighted how in sync they were, with their conversation running far later into the night than they expected. Her quirks and sense of humor made her absolutely beguiling. When she expressed her affinity towards sweets, he had ordered them pie without a second thought over the calories they’d be putting away. All he could focus on was the warmth in her eyes and just how beautiful she looked when she smiled.

“Do you always give students the answers? Or was I just lucky and you were feeling bad for me?” “You were lucky, but not because of that.” “Oh, because you didn’t press assault charges?” “No - I normally can’t talk to beautiful women.”

After closing down the restaurant, they continued on the walk back to her apartment. He noticed her suddenly becoming flustered as they got closer, and casually mentioned an early class in the morning to reassure her he wasn’t the presumptuous type. When hearing that made her visibly relax, he chose not to kiss her and risk pressing his luck. It took three dates before he finally closed the distance. 

From the very first date, she had become a priority. Part of him knew he was jumping the gun, but their connection felt different than anything he had experienced before. They talked all the time over text and he continued to pursue her with every ounce of energy he could muster. Their conversations flowed so naturally. It had never been this easy for him to talk to girls. She wasn’t afraid to be open and vulnerable with him. Knowing she felt comfortable with him made him feel special. When she was feeling down, he wanted to listen and help in any way he could. Their shared interests, values, and sense of humor kept them from ever tiring of talking. 

Hazel was not only extremely clever and able to beat him at every game they played, but ridiculously cute. Almost too adorable for her own good. Watching her raise to her tip toes to kiss him always made his heart skip a beat. Trying to hold her hand always ended with her simply holding onto his finger. The picture he took of her drowning in his jacket quickly became her contact photo. She never hesitated to wrap her arms around him. Even without touching more intimately, the physical affection they did show felt right. 

All in all, she checked a lot of boxes. So many, in fact, that he went against his better judgment of not saying anything unless it became official and mentioned her to his family. Hunter, his only real friend, also heard a great deal about her as ‘the library girl’ he was seeing. He was too excited not to tell someone. While they all expressed joy for his happiness, he couldn’t put into words how perfect it all felt. It felt like all those lonely nights and failed dating attempts made sense. Someone better had been waiting for him and was now here to make everything perfect. 

Until it wasn’t. He went into their sixth date planning to ask her to be exclusive. She beat him to the punch by sharing she had no desire for another date. He took it all in wordlessly as the explosion left a ringing noise in his ears. Her lips were moving but he only managed to catch a few sentences. 

It’s not you, I swear. I know it sounds like a line, but it really is me. 

Getting to know you has been so incredible. 

I’ve realized I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I need to figure out who I am and focus on school. I want to graduate first before starting anything.

You’re so amazing. I know you’ll find someone who can give you what you’re looking for, Embry. 

The immediate burning question never left his mouth. He swallowed down the desire to implore further, afraid of what she might admit. The words she never said still played on repeat regardless as the voice in his head was more than willing to fill the silence on the walk home from the now cursed 3rd Street Diner. 

From the outside, Embry appeared easy going and generally good natured. Shy, quiet, sure - but friendly and always optimistic. He had built those walls up early on as a child. After losing his dad, the grief and stress were too much to bear. When he stayed strong and only cried a little in private, Mama seemed more capable of getting through the day. Discipline became a guiding principle in his life. If he kept himself in line and just worked harder than the emotions did, those bad feelings had no power over him. 

Except, of course, they did. There were some things in life he couldn’t outrun or lift away in the gym. When that voice would get louder, he would go to more drastic lengths to regain control. He couldn’t force his high school bullies to respect him or work enough jobs to dig himself out of poverty. There was no level of employment or education that would absolve him from being seen as anything more than the kid from a reservation. Women would never find him to be desirable. But he could control his body - when it ate, when it worked out, and when it was allowed to rest. 

You’re pathetic. If you had worked harder, you wouldn’t have lost her. You’re weak-willed and now everyone will know it. 

The shame was the worst part. He told his family and Hunter the news quickly, giving only concise answers to their questions about how something he had waxed poetic about days before could have crashed and burned. To their credit, nobody pried too much or demanded to know how it ended. They offered sympathy and their worlds kept on turning. It wasn’t until his contact with them became sparse that anyone seemed to sense that something was wrong. He brushed off their concerns with the typical excuses. 

I’m just really busy right now.  Sorry, I was sick.  Everything is going well and I’m hoping the same for you. 

Isolation was safe. Without prying eyes, he could push himself to the brink in peace. No one could judge the two a day workouts or the lack of food. His coworkers noticed a change in his physique and offered compliments, but that only became more fuel. They were lying, of course, and the fact they had perceived him at all felt distressing. If he wanted anyone to honestly think he looked good, he had to continue to push himself. Even when he rolled his ankle while running over winter break after deliberately choosing not to go home to see the people who loved him, he finished the route and subsequent lift before hobbling home to ice it. Pain was really just a weakness, after all.

Weeks faded into months. In his mind, he was moving closer to peak performance. Instead of being the young soccer scholarship kid binge eating his feelings before going for absurdly long runs to work it off, he had a routine - a routine that coaches and other athletes in the campus gym noted as being incredible dedication. Eat just enough protein to maintain muscle, workout religiously, keep anyone who could hurt you at arm’s length for their sake. If he wanted to be good enough for them, for anyone, he couldn’t stop now. 

~

Egg whites (1 cup) 125 cal. 27g pro.  Oats. (½ cup) 165 cal. 6g pro.  Splenda (1 packet) ~5 cal. 

After begging for weeks, his mama finally convinced him to come home for Spring Break with the reminder that he hadn’t met his new niece yet. Jeremy and Ava had sent pictures of Ursa to the group chat but the thought of being able to hold her and see Jasper terrorize Jeremy in the thick of the terrible twos won him over. Everyone was abuzz in the group chat about seeing him again and he had admittedly missed their company. Ashton would have enough outside work to help with that he’d still be able to get workouts in, and there was plenty of land to run on. It seemed like he could take a step back into the world. 

The fanfare died quickly. While he saw himself as someone on the path to peak performance, his family couldn’t look past the jarring red flags. Their old joke about him doubling in size during college felt humorless now that he was refusing to eat anything he hadn’t cooked and wouldn’t budge on sampling what they knew were his favorites. Playing with Jasper seemed to leave him genuinely exhausted. He wasn’t talkative or playful or bearing any resemblance to the Embry that had left them at the end of the summer. The clone was somber, with dark circles from sleepless nights and a propensity to spend his time alone in silence. 

By the third evening, his mama was unable to bite her tongue any longer. She and Ava took to the porch to find him in his new favorite hiding spot. With Ursa resting peacefully on his chest, he stared out at the fields aimlessly, clearing lost in some thought.

“Looks like we started bed time early,” Ava whispered, reaching out to take Ursa into her arms.

“I don’t want to wake her.” “Come on,” Leah nodded, “Give Ava her baby so I can talk to mine.”

Oh fuck, he thought. There was no use in trying to avoid the conversation, so he handed Ursa off gently and watched Ava walk away to keep from having to face the eyes he felt burning into him. 

“What’d I do now?” he huffed, leaning back against the wall.

“It’s not what you did that bothers me. I’m worried about what you’re not doing.”

“You’re upset about things I haven’t done. That makes sense.”

“Don’t be a shitass,” Leah hissed. Her glare alone was enough to dampen the flames of angst he had tried to harbor. “You’re out here alone for hours with the only person who can’t ask questions. You don’t think we know that’s on purpose?” “You get to see her all the time.”

“Fuck, Embry, you’re scarin’ us!”

“Well, I don’t know why.”

“You don’t eat. You won’t cook with me. You’re barely speakin’ to anyone.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that not eating grape dumplings was such a slight against you all.”

“I don’t recognize you.” “I’ve never been in better shape,” he swore, shaking his head, “I’ve never been better than I am right now.”

“You’ve been dodgin’ all of my calls.” “You’ve been callin’ me nonstop! I have classes and work and… and stuff going on, mama. I can’t just be on the phone all the time. Why do you need to hear from me twice a day anyways?”

He stared at her in disbelief, waiting for her to explain how much she missed him or how desperately she wanted him to move home after finishing his master’s program. She hadn’t been shy about expressing those thoughts before. Both she and Ashton had encouraged him to apply to universities in Oklahoma, even when he insisted he was happy on the coast. Just before he could inquire if she expected him to live in the house with her forever, tears started to fall down her cheeks.

“Every time you didn’t pick up, I was sure you were gone. You were so depressed and I couldn’t help you. You were in so much pain.”

Did she mean…? 

“Mama, don’t.”

“I can’t lose you, too. I can’t bury you, too. I’m going first, okay? I don’t care how heartbroken you are - it’s me before you.”

Her words hit him hard, knocking the wind out of him completely. His mama was the strongest person he knew. Seeing her cry and hearing her reference dad made him feel sick. Every part of him wanted to leap off the porch and run as far away from her and reality as possible. It was too much. He wasn’t strong enough to fight the overwhelming wave of emotion threatening to crash down and drown him.

“I’m not heartbroken. I’m fine,” he snapped. Just drop it.

“It’s okay to be upset. I just can’t have you despondent.”

“I’m not killing myself over some girl! Do you seriously think I’m that pathetic?”

“You’re not pathetic for having feelings. This has been a stressful year for you and something that seems small can have a ripple effect.”

“I’m not one of your patients.” 

It came out far more venomous than he had intended. Talking to her this way was wrong. He hated hurting her, but the nerve she had struck was raw. If he couldn’t run away, all he could do was put up defenses and hope the battle would blow over. But the silence was suffocating. Having her break character to scream at him or storm off would have been preferable to knowing his painful attempts to push her away had only made her pity him more. Pain was temporary, but shame lingered. 

“I’m sorry. I’m not feeling well.”

“For months now, yeah?”

“There’s just a lot going on. None of it is going well and that’s been difficult.” His chest ached at the admission. Forcing down tears, he managed a deep sigh. “It’s never enough. I’m not smart enough or strong enough or good enough for anyone. I try so hard. I want these things so badly and it just never works out. This.. this is the only thing I can’t screw up.”

“Shrinkin’ yourself won’t make your problems go away. You’re just going to make the pain worse. You gotta work through it, baby. That’s the only way it gets easier.”

“I’m not like you.”

“Bullshit. You’re my son. I know who you are and what you’re capable of.”

“You thought I was gay.”

~

For a brief moment, he was 18 again and listening to his mama and Ashton probe him about a mini outbreak at school over dinner. Jeremy and Ava had stopped by and witnessed the horrific display. 

“Fifteen students came to the clinic today. Are a lot of kids absent from your classes?”

“I guess so.”

“It’s mostly girls. Seems like a few boys are infecting all these girls.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Does it seem like a lot of girls are out?”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

Leah and Ashton shared a look before he decided to jump in. 

“It’s okay if you don’t notice them. Maybe better, even.”

“What?”

“Dad,” Jeremy said, trying futilely to stop the interaction there. 

“It’s not a bad thing. I mean, we’re happy to see you both graduate without any pregnancies.”

“Dad!”

“We just want you to know that we love you and support you.”

Nobody moved. They all stared at him as he willed himself to explode on the spot. Of course he had noticed girls. It’s just that they had much better things to do than notice him. If it wasn’t for a school project or something about the soccer team, they weren’t talking to him about a damn thing. 

“I’m not gay. I’m just a loser, okay?”

~

“Shit. That really wasn’t our best parenting moment. Ashton still feels guilty.”

“I’m still a loser if that makes you guys feel any better.”

He expected her to crack a smile at what had become an inside joke for their family, but she inhaled deeply before letting out an almost frustrated sigh. 

“They can’t all be the one, Embry. That’s just the risk you take with trying to find love.”

“I know they can’t,” he muttered defensively, “They’re not the problem.”

“Why are you the problem? Are you being mean to these women?”

“No, mama, of course not! But I am the common denominator.”

“So?”

“So what would you call someone who keeps getting dumped when he thinks everything is going well?”

“A guy who’s dating,” she shrugged, “I didn’t find Ashton immediately and he dated a few women before me. Jeremy dated half his hometown and won’t even get out of the car when they’re back that way.”

“That’s different. When you were my age, you had an eight year old. You and dad were in love in high school.”

“We were, but we never wanted that for you. We wanted you to achieve more than we did before you settled down. That’s what every parent wants, and you’ve made us so proud,” she smiled, stroking her thumb across his cheek. 

There was a desire to take her words at face value. Maybe she was actually proud of him for choosing academia. But that had to pale in comparison to the pride she would have felt had he followed the script. If he had stayed in town, it might have been easier to find some girl who knew exactly how he felt. In an effort to ease the elder’s pressure for preserving the culture, they could have shacked up and had kids by now. He couldn’t deny that holding Ursa and playing with Jasper had brought up that painful ache of loneliness inside of him.  

As silly as it seemed, he frequently tried to imagine what dad would have done. There had been such an effortless joy to him. When he was around, Embry felt safe, like nothing in the world could ever bring them down. No matter what happened, he could tell a joke and lighten the mood back up. Losing him had permanently damaged them both. 

“You’re so young,” she said, taking his hands, “It’s just not your time yet. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. Creator has a bigger plan for you.”

“You’re not religious.”

“Shut up,” she squeezed, “It’s still true. It’ll get better. It’ll get easier for you, baby. I know it will. It’s just not today.”

“Maybe,” he nodded, trying to appreciate her words, “That’s a nice thought.”

“It won’t change if you keep on like this. I need you to promise me you’ll talk to somebody. I’m not takin’ no for an answer.”

The notion of seeing a counselor made him uneasy. What were the odds he could find someone qualified to handle the full extent of his baggage? What if they thought it was just dating drama and waved him off back to the humiliation of being on Bumble? 

“I’ll try. I have a lot to do before graduation and to prepare for next year.”

“Then make time.”

Her voice was stern. With how burnt out he felt, maybe she had the right idea. He had to finish strong. Jumping into a PhD program in the fall might actually kill him at this point if things didn’t turn around. 

“I will.”

“Good. You’re too handsome to be this miserable.”

“Okay, rein it in.”

“I mean it. Look at this face,” she smiled, reaching up to grab under his jaw, “Anyone who could turn you down wasn’t worth keepin.”

“Mama, stop it!” Embry laughed and tried to wiggle from her grasp. Feeling a soft squeeze, he met her gaze again. 

“I love you. I need you to know that.”

“I love you too, mama.”

~ 

Chicken breast (skinless), sweet potato, broccoli. 250 cal. 30g pro. 

Therapy was an uphill battle. Making time was easier said than done while trying to navigate homework and grading papers. Taking a day off from the gym felt like accepting defeat, even when he finally did start attending the sessions. Paranoia crept in as he spiraled about this potentially costing him his spot in the PhD program. Though he was assured that was not the case, he still took the long way there and made sure nobody ever saw him leaving the building. 

By the end of April, he could feel energy coming back. He wasn’t immediately ready to start eating without weighing his food or using cooking oil again, but he had managed to embrace having one day off from the gym. It came in handy when he reached back out to Hunter to apologize for the distance. To his relief, Hunter had accepted it with open arms and shared that therapy had been a massive help in his own life. Though Embry wondered what Hunter had to work through in his seemingly perfect life, he didn’t pry.

Just before graduation, they had met up at a cafe for lunch. Embry turned down the offer to game that night as he would be one of the few staff members still working at the library tonight. 

“Some band is playing at Dino’s. They dropped off tickets for the library crew and, like, at least half of them are going. That should be illegal this close to finals.”

“You got tickets to The Everettes concert?”

“Yeah, I was going to put them in the Student Union but never got around to it.”

“And you’re not going?”

“They’re not my thing,” Embry shrugged, “Nice girls. I can appreciate helping out the library but I’m not sure I’m the pop princess demographic.”

“Don’t let Nadia hear that. She’d kill you to get her hands on those.”

“She likes them?”

“Mhm, her and her sister. They swear it could have been them as a sister duo if they’d tried harder.”

Embry was surprised to hear that. They had only met a handful of times but he couldn’t remember Nadia ever mentioning her family or a desire to become a starlet. Talking shop with her usually meant hearing about her dream of being a medical examiner, which was jarring enough to hear from the beauty queen. Clearly there was much more to her than keeping Hunter in line and graduating high school with a bachelor’s degree. 

“Well, shit, take them. Be boyfriend of the year.”

“Are you serious? She’d lose her mind.”

“I’ve gotta work, so someone oughta go. I’ve got 4 tickets if you can think of anyone else.”

While stopping by Hunter’s apartment that night to drop off the tickets, Nadia threw her arms around Embry and rocked him back and forth while squealing out what he thought were ‘thank yous’.

“Nobecausethisissoimportanttomeandmysister! YouarelikeseriouslymyheroandIloveyousomuch!”

Before he had a chance to regain his hearing, she dropped down and ran off down the hallway at the sound of knocking on the front door. 

“Hoooooooly.”

“You get used to it,” Hunter smirked, nudging him with his elbow. 

“You guys have fun tonight.”

“We will. I can’t thank you enough, man.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s no big-“

“Embry?”

Instinctively turning at the sound of his name, he froze at the sight of Hazel standing before him. The shock must have gotten to her too as she stopped well before the man beside her, leading to him accidentally pulling her forward via their linked hands.

“You know him?” 

The man turned back to Hazel with a perplexed look on his face. When she was unable to answer, Embry stepped in before she could melt into the floor. 

“I work at the library so I meet a lot of people.”

Hunter and Nadia’s faces both lit up with realization before they turned to each other with a look of panic. 

“You’re a librarian?”

“I’m a grad student. I just work there part time.”

“Damn, I thought only old ladies were librarians. They’ve got everybody working there.”

Is this guy an idiot? 

“Embry got us the tickets,” Nadia interrupted, “He’s a good guy.”

“We’ll get you out of there, then. That shit sounds terrible.”

Just as he was prepared to clarify his job description again, he was finally able to place where he had seen the man before. 

“You’re Adonis Derringer.”

“The one and only,” Adonis grinned, suddenly lighting up at the sound of his own name. 

Embry reached out to shake his hand and became annoyed as Adonis squeezed in an attempt at dominance. When the move seemed to only hurt Adonis, he pulled back quickly. 

“Well, you guys have fun tonight,” Embry repeated, making his way back to the door. After a quick wave, he rushed to get his shoes on and all but stumbled into the hallway. 

Holy fuck. He hadn’t been prepared to see her again. Seven months without running into her had almost convinced him he’d never see her again. Hazel had mentioned having a sister on campus but hadn’t dropped her name. Of course she was Nadia’s sister. Of course she was dating someone infinitely cooler than him. Of course the break up had been generic lines to placate him. Why would he expect anything different?

That voice swirled around again, echoing his thoughts as loudly and painfully as possible. 

“Wait! Embry, wait!”

After weighing out his options, he stopped short of running down the stairwell and pretending not to hear Hazel’s voice. Hearing her hurry down the hall, he inhaled deeply and tried to remember a single technique from counseling before turning to face her. 

“I…” Hazel started to speak but couldn’t manage another sound. The joyful light in her eyes was gone, replaced with a glassy shine that made his stomach turn. 

What was going through her head? She looked miserable, embarrassed, ashamed. Every time she opened her mouth to speak, she snapped it shut again as though she had internally talked herself out of it. Seeing her so clearly in pain brought no joy or satisfaction. Even if he had wanted to paint her as intentionally malicious, this display confirmed her heart had never sought for him to suffer. 

It still hurt. Fuck, did it hurt. Seeing her holding onto Adonis was a painful reminder of how they used to be. 

It’s just not your time yet. 

“It’s nice to see you.”

He said it and meant it. Even if the scene was painful, she was still a nice sight. 

“You too. I… I didn’t want this to happen… like this.”

I imagine you didn’t want this to happen at all. 

“Maybe if you squeeze your eyes shut, you’ll turn back time.”

They both managed a laugh that fell just short of natural. 

“I didn’t lie to you. I really thought I wasn’t ready.. It’s just that he showed up right after and things were.. things were suddenly different.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“I feel like I do.”

“You don’t,” Embry shook his head, “If he makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”

“He does,” Hazel answered softly, blinking rapidly to keep her tears at bay. 

“Then I’m happy for you.”

She seemed surprised by him offering her a soft smile but tried her best to smile back. 

“Thank you.”

….

….

….

“Well, don’t keep them waiting,” he nodded, “You don’t want to be late for the show.” 

“Are you sure you have to work? Maybe we can all go.”

Are you nuts?!

“That’s okay. Someone has to hold the place down… and I’m meeting someone pretty early tomorrow. You go have fun.”

Was it wrong to try and save some face?

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense,” she agreed, keeping her eyes low, “You have fun, too.”

Before Embry had left, he had given her as many details as he was allowed to share. He and Hazel were off to assist a friendly planet. Some sort of extraterrestrial trouble was brewing that required the two heavy hitters and their ability to make their way through space unassisted. Always hunting for a story, she had tried to dig for more. He refused to bend on upholding the Union’s rules for confidentiality regarding covert missions. She was left with a kiss goodbye and a promise to return home to her as soon as possible. 

By all accounts, the trip had been successful. They achieved their objective and made their return home. Upon entering Earth’s atmosphere, Hazel was suddenly blinded by a burst of fiery light. Her vision came back in time for her to grab onto Embry before he could reach terminal velocity and level an unassuming city. Once he was conscious again, she still had to carry him back to the Union Hall as something was preventing him from using any of his powers. It wasn’t until they landed that Hazel noticed he was also missing all of his tattoos. Their confusion only intensified as they were interrupted by the graceful arrival of … Starman. 

After a few hours of testing, interviewing both Embrys and Hazel, and calling in Raptor for further assistance, the team finally decided to update Scout on what was happening. She tried not to hold this against them, but found herself being rather curt with everyone she came into contact with until she was allowed in the meeting chamber. 

While helping the citizens of Ocanül, Hazel and Embry had learned of their most interesting custom. To maximize productivity, the working class voluntarily received an injection every morning that could cause immediate duplication. As a direct copy, the replicants were an identical extension rather than an identical twin. Everything the worker could sense would be experienced by the replicant. At the end of the shift, the replicants would instantaneously and painlessly merge back into their respective bodies. When they prepared to leave, they were swarmed by thankful citizens expressing gratitude for their help. One overzealous nurse had grabbed Starman in a hug, accidentally crushing an unused dose in his pocket. The worker immediately duplicated, so they thought nothing of the incident and assumed that Embry’s impenetrable skin would be immune to the serum. 

Adonis was eager to note that the pair he had dubbed Embry Alpha and Embry Prime didn’t seem to be as easily split as the Ocanül people. This theory was somewhat substantive. Genetically, the two were identical. Like the replicants, Embry Prime had all of Embry Alpha’s memories and senses. He also seemed to have taken the vast majority of his powers with him in the split - and left all of the emotional attachments behind with Alpha. When she expressed fear in there being an Embry that wanted to hurt people, Caspian was quick to reassure her that Embry was incapable of that, and that both Alpha and Prime were pieces of Embry rather than being different versions. 

Her request to take at least one of them home with hopes of them merging in a few hours was met with nervous looks. Despite her argument that this was just another example of the strange ass things that happen to the Justice Union, nobody gave her the verbal approval she was hoping to receive. Scout darted her eyes from person to person in hopes that someone had the courage to make eye contact with her. Nadia finally revealed that despite both being two pieces of one Embry, their relationship to Scout had become a point of contention. With both believing themselves to be her Embry, they both wanted to fulfill their promise of returning home to her. 

“Well, it’s a penthouse apartment, so I have the space. As long as Embry Prime can keep a low profile getting there, it might be the safest place for them to be.”

The idea was met with more tense glances. This time, Adonis was the first to speak. His comment earned him nothing but angry glares. 

“I don’t know if Alpha is going to want Prime anywhere near you.”

The room burst into chaos as Nadia and Hazel angrily chewed out Adonis for saying more than he should. Adonis defended his comment while stating Scout had a right to know. Hearing this, she started demanding the full story. When no one offered the truth, she grabbed her bag. 

“Fine, I’ll just ask him myself.”

“We would strongly advise against that,”

“Why?” 

Silence. 

Scout huffed a sigh and continued heading for the door. 

Caspian broke the tension by explaining their  working theory that the metagene Embry possessed from being an Original was different from that of other heroes, and its overwhelming power prevented him from being able to split evenly. She noted that he had explained his abilities as being derived from a sentient power of sorts within his sprint rather than tricks he had developed after a freak accident. On more than one occasion, he had fought against what it was telling him to do in favor of following his own conscience. 

“Have you two ever discussed how that part of him perceives you?”

Oh god. 

~

Embry hadn’t been entirely forthcoming with those details at first. The only time they had come up had been during their final argument regarding their lack of physical intimacy. From the start, he explained his hesitation stemmed from safety concerns. She interpreted it as him fearing his own strength, and countered with how well he handled himself with saving civilians during times of crisis. After begging and pleading and confessing she didn’t think she could continue in a relationship where she felt so undesirable, he finally caved and told her what had him holding back. 

With sentience meant that part of him was distinctly aware that he was the last of his kind. It had a natural imperative to keep evolving as all living things did. Despite no human female ever surviving any attempts at consummation with an Original before, that persistent voice in the back of his head revealed that Scout had passed the assessments to be an acceptable choice as a chosen mate. Since then, he had been fighting his internal monologue that was urging him to give into basic biology and breed. If he wasn’t able to keep that side in check while being physical with her, there was ages of evidence in the Collective Consciousness to suggest she would end up injured or worse. Scout had been surprised by the revelation and assured him that his true, human desire to love and protect her could overcome any conditioning. 

When he agreed that they could finally try being more intimate, she had seen that internal conflict firsthand. At first, she had chalked the sudden change to more rushed and rougher touches as him being an overzealous beginner enjoying the new sensation. His grip dug into her hips as his mouth found her neck. When she tried to move her hands from his shoulders, they were both pinned over her head with a deep growl bearing no resemblance to his voice. He seemed to be looking through her as their eyes met. If she hadn’t known him as well or trusted him implicitly, the act would have unsettled her. Asking him to stay with her had been enough to snap him out of whatever that trance had been and they were able to finish without further incident. 

In true Embry fashion, he had taken to self-flagellation and despair the next morning upon seeing her bruises. He couldn’t apologize enough. She was too precious to him to ever allow them to risk her life this way again. Why hadn’t she told him he was hurting her? He had become a predator and treated her like prey. How could she love the inhuman monster in front of her? She had repeatedly expressed that she hadn’t been hurt and that she wanted to continue being intimate this way. What she hadn’t mentioned was that she hadn’t even been trying to get him to stop. She loved every moment. That look he had mistaken for fear was one of pure lust, begging for him to keep having his way with her. 

Unable to resist her advances and keep his word, they had become sexually active in a way that he felt was safe for her. It was much gentler, but undeniably passionate. But there wasn’t any wiggle room for her to suggest anything new, either. He had never let that side of him take over again and she had never asked if that was still something lurking in the back of his mind out of fear of him cutting her off again. 

~

Feeling the room staring at her made her uncomfortable. She was no stranger to talking to crowds, but discussing breaking news stories was much easier than openly discussing a particular part of her sex life with a group that included her twin brother. It also didn’t exactly paint Embry in the best light. This was something she hadn’t even told Marina or Rem - partially because it put his secret identity at risk and partially because they would quickly realize she wasn’t exactly her usual dominating character in bed. 

“That doesn’t change anything. He wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t know what he said but that’s still Embry.”

“Of course. Nobody here thinks any differently,” Caspian nodded, offering an encouraging smile.

“Speak for yourself: I knew something wasn’t right about him. All those ‘do good’ types have something freaky about them.”

“Would you shut up?” Nadia groaned, stomping down on his foot. He yelped at the audible cracking and turned his ire towards her.

With the new commotion garnering attention, Scout continued on her way to the door and headed down the hallway. When no golden lassos or gusts of wind pushed her back into the chamber, she assumed they had accepted her decision enough to let her go while preparing to intervene if necessary. 

Stupid. Why would he have insisted on keeping her from any part of him? Why was he acting as if there was a piece of him that was anything like Joseph Emery claimed? How could she possibly know the man she slept next to better than he knew himself? 

She knew he would be upset with her for seeking answers on her own, but she couldn’t leave the stone unturned. 

~

The resemblance was uncanny. If she hadn't been told what had happened, she would have run right in and thrown her arms around him. Instead, she watched him silently for a few moments as he sat up near the ceiling and took in the sunset. When he turned to face her, her heart skipped a beat. 

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

He floated down to her far too quickly for her to figure out just what to say. 

“And you’re half the man you were when you left.”

“I promise I’m all here - no parts left behind.”

Like usual, his smile lit up his entire face with an infectious joy that only he could manage. His warm eyes dazzled against the harsh black line across his brow. Her stomach fluttered at seeing him in front of her again and prevented her from speaking. 

“You were less excited to win the Pulitzer. I’m flattered, Miss Odair.”

Damn you. You know what hearing you say that does to me. 

“That was a pretty good night for me,” she smiled, walking around the room. “My best work being awarded, that gorgeous red dress, the fancy champagne Valerian sent to the hotel room. All that and the most handsome date in town.”

He smiled before looking back up to the ceiling to laugh to himself. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Always such a scout,” he sighed, shaking his head. Despite sounding disappointed, he seemed more amused than anything. “Your dress was blue. If you’d like to test my memories, I’d suggest something I don’t have a photo of within eyesight.”

She followed his nod towards the bookshelf to find a framed photo of her holding the award proudly, in an unmistakably blue dress that he had helped her pick out. 

Busted. 

“Well, that’s convenient,” she offered, managing a quick laugh before turning back, “You can’t blame me for trying. I just had to make sure you still had the photographic memory.”

“Even without it, I would have remembered helping you get in and out of it.”

Her brain shut down momentarily as he winked at her. The gesture and statement were so unbelievably out of character. He had made suave comments as Starman before and left her weak in the knees, but something about this felt much more natural. It was just the right amount of crass, of cocky, of.. 

Sexy. 

“And here I thought you were my Embry.”

“I am.”

“No, no. He wouldn’t say anything like that to me period, let alone with at least two people listening from down the hall.”

“That’s a real shame. I’ll apologize on our behalf.”

“Don’t act like he’s the bad guy for having some decorum.”

“He’s a real peach.”

God, he even sounds like him. 

“He is. You can’t understand because you’ve lost everything that made him the man I fell in love with.”

“I did drop all that saintly insecurity and self hatred. I can’t say I’ve missed it.”

He spoke casually, tucking his arms behind his head to lean back and rest against the wall with his eyes closed. Unable to stop herself, she eagerly took in the sight of him. It took every ounce of willpower to keep herself from reaching out to run her hands down his broad frame. That thought only brought back the memory of the last time she had gotten her hands on him. 

“You can do more than look.”

The smugness of his grin acted as another reminder that the man in front of her was not the one who had kissed her so tenderly a few nights before. 

“Because you're just so cute that I can’t resist?” 

“Your pulse doesn’t pick up this much just for cute.”

She blinked and he was before her again. His hand rested gently at the side of her neck. With no effort at all, the slightest nudge from his thumb tilted her head around as he studied her. Against her better judgment, she felt herself growing annoyed with his lack of reaction rather than the ogling. Admitting that made her feel guilty, and that just wouldn’t do. 

“Sorry to disappoint,” she snapped, failing in her attempt to pull away. 

“Do I seem disappointed?”

“I guess I was expecting some remark about me being an acceptable mate despite being human.”

“Why do you care? I’m not your Embry.”

His words sent her skin ablaze. Rather than being livid, she stared at his lips with her mouth slightly ajar. 

Why was she so desperate for him to kiss her? How did he know exactly what to say to drive her insane? He seemed to be the fantasy version she had crafted of Starman come to life - from the most hidden recesses of her mind to standing in front of her with just the right amount of pressure on her neck to demand her attention. 

She always pushed for him to initiate. Though he hadn’t turned her down since they’d become physically intimate, he waited for her to express interest first. He would get nervous and try to change the subject when she brought it up. The innocent farm boy charm was still attractive to her, but that voice in her head that swore that a delicate, little human just wasn’t doing it for him was starting to get louder. The idea of an Embry who openly desired her that way she craved him seemed too good to be true. The face - the body - she loved was teasing her now and clearly prepared to give her everything she wanted. 

“Why are you doing this?” She breathed, keeping her voice low. 

“Because you like it… Because he won’t.”

Defend him. Say something. What is wrong with you?!

The words never came to her. All she could think about was how even just a few days apart had left her yearning to feel his body on hers again. With no distance between them, it was a struggle to compose any coherent thoughts. 

“You have to stay here. Just let the merge happen and end this.” 

Her demand was strained, as if she had only mustered the power to utter the words under duress. He knew it, she knew it, any number of eavesdroppers down the hall knew it. 

“Stay with me,” he countered, gently tilting her head up to meet his gaze. 

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Does it matter?” 

“No. I reckon you made up your mind before you stopped by,” he sighed, stepping back to watch her finally remember how to breathe. 

“And yet you still tried to fight for me.”

“For you? I’ll never stop.”

“Your other half has dubbed you the troubled one.”

“You mean the one controlled by the overwhelming power of an ancient metagene?” he asked, smiling to himself. 

“Something like that. Something about you having no emotional capacity and it being a bad idea for me to be alone with you.”

“I’d argue I experience a great deal of emotion. I have to handle everything he refuses to accept. Needless to say, I’m busy.”

His cavalier tone would have been more off putting had his words not been captivating. Still waters seemed to run rather deep with Embry. 

“It seems like you’re trying to tarnish your own reputation. When you say those things, you’re talking about the other half of you.”

“You must really love that half. He says I’m a danger to you and I’m somehow the jerk between us?”

“Telling people that I’m your chosen mate and that you feel an all powerful, biological urge to breed me is going to lose you favor, you know. That kind of talk is bound to upset some people.”

“Well, one of us had to be honest, but I apologize for not censoring myself for your human sensibilities.”

“You make it sound like it’s just semantics.”

“Yet when he says you’re his soulmate who he wants to find some way to have a family with, you swoon.”

Oh. Well. 

“That’s… that’s not the same.”

Just because he was right didn’t mean she had to like it. 

“I know he has to view me as the monster so he can rationalize why those thoughts and feelings keep coming back.” 

But you don’t have to. 

She finished his thought in her head. They had taken Embry Alpha at this word without probing into why Embry Prime was such a threat. Nothing about his demeanor suggested he intended to harm anyone. He was less upbeat than usual, but the essence of Embry was still woven through every action. Perhaps the real danger he posed

wasn’t physical. 

Scout made her way out the door and just managed to hear his voice call to her again. 

“No matter what, I’ll still be here.”

~

“Did you get your answer?”

Hunter’s voice cut through the silent hall. He had caught up to her without her even noticing he had been tailing her. She stopped abruptly to spin on her heel and face him. 

“I see why you separated them. I can’t imagine their interaction was pretty.”

“Not much of a fight. Prime wants to be friends and Alpha wants him dead.”

“You all made it seem like Prime was a troublemaker. He’s offended by that notion.”

“Don’t mind them. They aren’t thinking logically. They’re inclined to believe Alpha since he seems more like the Embry they know. Prime has said some things I won’t repeat, but he’s harmless.”

She inhaled sharply. Embry was nervous to hold her hand around Hunter. When he found out that Prime had disclosed such sensitive information, he was going to spiral. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Hunter sighed, reading her mind, “He already knows and it’s part of the reason he wants to kill him.”

“Isn’t that just suicide with more steps?”

“Not to him. He’s insisting that Prime is from another universe and not a replicant.”

“I just don’t understand why..”

“That’s because you embrace your messiness.”

She frowned, expecting him to smirk or laugh at his own joke. His expression remained still and she shrugged in response. 

“It’s just a part of me, I guess. It’s not like either of us stood a chance at being normal. There’s no point in trying to pretend.”

“Everyone has their secrets.”

“Some more than others.”

“If parts of yourself that you hated were on display for the world to see, you’d want to hide them, too.”

Hunter’s voice seemed to harbor the slightest hint of sadness. Mercy, maybe. The secondhand embarrassment must have been getting through to even his resolve.

“Once they merge again, it won’t matter anyways.”

“I hope you’re right.”

~

It was never too difficult to get comfortable in Embry’s arms. Despite his size and those great muscles, he was unusually gentle and warm. As she tucked her head into the crook of his neck, his fingers traced soothingly down her spine. Staying here forever and letting the rest of the world fall to the wayside was a tempting idea. 

Seeing him back at the Union Hall had been more difficult than she imagined. He had built a precedent of coming through the balcony doors of her apartment and pulling her in for as many kisses as he could get from her. When she would finally pull back, he’d take to telling his ‘sunbeam’ just how much he missed her and how nothing compared to being back in her loving arms. Whether he had taken on interdimensional demons or rescued a cat from a tree, his eagerness to see her remained consistent. 

When she made her way to the medical wing now, he hadn’t bothered to look her way. She had tried to break the tension by joking that not seeing him for a few days had her seeing double. Without turning around, he questioned her decision to go see Prime. 

“I don’t think there’s anything I could say to you that you’d want to hear. He’s a part of the man I love.”

“Don’t insult me.”

“I wasn’t in any danger. I asked him to stay here while I take you home and he agreed.”

“Yes, you were very persuasive.”

Shit. 

“You were watching.”

“I don’t have a choice,” he sighed, rubbing at his temples, “But even if I could block out the visuals, his thoughts are… loud.”

“So… you’re seeing through his eyes and your own?”

“We receive all the same input. Our current realities become immediate memories for each other.”

“You’re in two places at once. You used to wish you could do that,” she offered, finally making her way to his side. 

Her next thought had been cut short by the sight of his bare face. It was jarring. Her brain recognized it as looking the same as when he had his glasses on, but she was staring into his eyes without that crucial barrier between them. 

“You’re not impressed.”

“Don’t say that! I’m just shocked.” 

“You don’t like it.”

“Hey, stop that,” she snapped, closing the space between them, “I happen to love this face.”

When she leaned in to kiss him, he managed a short peck before asking if they could head home. Swallowing down her sadness, they made the trek back with an uncomfortable, unspoken burden looming over them. Relegated to only making small talk, she found herself wishing that the clock would run out already and bring the two halves together. Embry Alpha would never accept it as fact but Scout was now acutely aware of how necessary both sides were in making him, well, him. 

When his hand stopped moving, she expected him to say he wanted to be alone. His actual words caught her by surprise. 

“What if we didn’t merge? What if I stayed like this?”

“Hey, don’t think like that. It’s not permanent. This is just a minor hiccup in the Starman adventures.”

“But what if it wasn’t? What if I was like this forever? What would you think?”

“I… I don’t know. I think you’d be pretty miserable and that makes me sad.”

She started to slide down his chest as he sat up in a huff. 

“Why would I be miserable? I’d be like you. I’d be human.”

“How human are you right now? I was told you still had heightened senses and your strength. Prime just stole your ability to fly and the heat vision.”

“Okay, so I wouldn’t actually be human, but I’d be as close as I could be.” 

She sat back, folding her arms over her chest. Where was this coming from? He’d been miserable all day. 

“But you’re not human. You weren’t meant to be human. Why would you want to be?”

“I wouldn’t have to wear the glasses and pretend anymore. I wouldn’t have to leave work with terrible excuses all the time. Scout, we could have a normal life together,” he explained, cupping her face in his hands, “Think about it. You’d finally be safe. We could settle down. We could have a family. Everything that wasn’t an option for us could be ours.”

She could tell the blankness of her expression was eating him up inside. His words sounded more like pleas. Each detail he added that didn’t make her heart beat faster twisted the knife further. 

“But Starman… you became him for a reason,” she explained, wrapping her hands around his wrists. “You want to help people. You’ve given Capitol City hope. You’ve given the world hope! You can’t just abandon us.”

“What if we could both exist? I could be Embry Lee and he would be Starman.”

“You what?”

He jumped off the couch to pace around the living room. 

“It’s perfect. That way, Starman still exists! I can help people and still have a human life with you. Nobody would be abandoned. If I could get another vial from the Ocanül, I could make more back at Kuwohi.”

“You already have a life with me,” she argued, pulling herself to her feet, “A life where you’re you and nobody else.”

“I thought you wanted a future with me.”

“I do! Of course I do. I just want it with the Embry I know and love.”

“You hate when I have to go off and be Starman all the time. You said that you were going to find some way to kill Hazel if she showed up with an emergency during date night again.”

“I was.. I was frustrated! I get jealous and annoyed sometimes but I don’t hate what you do. I’ve never hated it,” Scout shouted. “And I thought Embry Prime was too dangerous to let out of the Union Hall. Now you’re okay with letting him take over completely as Starman?”

“He’s fine with everyone else! He just can’t be around you.”

“What the fuck does that mean? Do you even hear yourself? Who are you?!”

They stared at each other for a few moments before he dropped his gaze to the floor. 

“Just forget it, then,” he said, running a hand through his hair nervously before pacing again. 

“Do not shut down on me right now.”

“I’m not shutting down on you.”

“Next comes the pouting and suddenly you need to head back to your apartment even though all of your stuff is here.”

“What do you want me to say? I told you how I felt and you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“You’re upset that I’m not encouraging you to remove and hide from a major part of your identity. What happens when the shift ends and you have to be yourself again?”

“I’m not hiding from anything. I’d be more effective if there were two of me, same as anybody.”

“This is ridiculous. I don’t know why I’m even entertaining this,” she said, letting out a short laugh. 

“Why are you being like this?”

“Like what, questioning you? Having valid concerns when my boyfriend says something insane?”

“When I say something, you give me guff. When he says something, your heart beats faster. I understand.”

“That. That is what this is really about,” she growled, pointing as she spoke, “Why don’t you just admit it so we can have an honest conversation?”

“You’ve said plenty without even speaking.”

His words knocked the wind and anger right out of her. From the look on his face, he regretted them immediately. 

“That is not fair.”

She swallowed down the thick sadness rising in her throat. He had never been one to take a cheap shot before. What she had said had hit a nerve, confirming she was on to something. She needed to stick with it to make the case. 

“I shouldn’t have said that. You weren’t trying to be cruel.”

“I wasn’t cruel at all. I’m not going to apologize for being attracted to you.”

“To him.”

“Oh, fuck off. Stop acting like you’re two different people.. like, like he’s some alternate version of you sent here to torture you! He’s you, you’re him. I’m sorry if you’re embarrassed by him. I’m not. I love him.”

“Yeah, clearly,” he agreed, making his way towards the dining room. 

“I love all parts of you. Every side of you, even the ones that are really pissing me off,” she argued, closing the distance, “You don’t. That’s the problem. You do not get to push that onto me and make it my issue.”

He braced himself on the dining room table, looking down at his hands. The dissociative stare remained as he clenched his jaw. It was on his mind, burning away at the tip of his tongue, but something was preventing him from letting the weight go. 

“That’s fair and I’m sorry. If it’s salvageable, we should try and have a nice night.”

“I’m not going to accept that as the end of the discussion. You know I’m not going to let this go.”

“Could you, for me?” The look of desperation in his eyes almost made her want to fold. 

Almost. 

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Does it matter?”

So much for favoritism. 

She inched her way forward to his side and leaned against the table. 

“You know, for a guy who wants to be human, you seem to be opposed to the most human behavior of all.”

“It’s not human. It’s not the same.”

“How am I supposed to know that? You won’t talk about it. You won’t have a conversation about the sex we do have, let alone the sex you fantasize about.”

“I don’t want that!”

There was that guilty look again. He started to slowly shift his body away from hers, physically withdrawing out of shame. Reaching out to grab at his cheekbone, she pulled him back her way. 

“Embry, it’s not a big deal. I promise. It’s not upsetting to me or really breaking news to anyone that you’re sexually attracted to me. I feel that way about you, too.”

“It’s not that. I know that. I feel that. It’s everything else that’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong about it? Why won’t you let yourself feel it?”

“You already know. You and the rest of my teammates. You even said just the mere premise upsets you.”

“I said it might upset some people. I don’t think our friends and family members really wanted to hear that but I also don’t think they care nearly as much as you do right now. It’s not wrong or bad to feel that way.”

“I don’t feel that way,” he said, emphasizing each word. 

“Okay, fine. Let’s say for arguments sake that you don’t feel that way. I don’t believe you, but I’ll pretend,” she noted, ignoring his frustrated groan, “Why does the idea of feeling that way upset you so much? You’re not religious.”

“I believe in the Creator. It made the Earth and all living things. Plants, animals, Originals, the first people.”

“Mm, then you’d know you were made in this form for a reason, and you shouldn’t be upset to use what you were given.”

He stared at her before turning away to mutter something she couldn’t understand. 

“Is it a rural, farm boy or rez kid thing?”

“That’s two offensive things in less than a minute.”

“What? I figured you’d have realized it was completely natural once you were around the farm.”

“I’m not saying sex isn’t natural,” he started, glaring as she giggled at him lowering his voice at the word.

“Do you think we’re doing something wrong when we…?”

“No. No, of course not. Making love to you is… indescribable.”

God, you’re adorable. I want to sit on your face. 

“Then what’s so wrong about those feelings? Those feelings lead us to do indescribable things that we both enjoy.”

He suddenly looked distraught again. 

“Don’t compare the two. What it wants is… it’s nothing like that.”

“How is it any different than saying you want a family with me?”

“I can’t believe he made that comparison to you. There’s a world of difference between us deciding to start a family together and it deciding you’re a brood mare who needs to repopulate our entire species.”

She raised an eyebrow at that reveal. Prime had neglected to mention that piece. 

“That’s… that’s a lot. I mean, you once thought we weren’t even biologically compatible.”

“I didn’t know. It didn’t know. No human woman had ever survived to conceive.”

I’m still standing. 

“So now it thinks I’m … special?”

She watched his face morph through several emotions. When he spoke again, it was clear that the conversation had finally broken him. 

“You know how I can sense things about you? Specific things that I ignore because you deserve privacy?”

“Aside from you tending to stay out of my way that week, yes.”

“It doesn’t ignore those things. It knows when your body is… ready. It tells me I need to fly you off to Kuwohi and keep you there.” 

“Like, barefoot and pregnant?”

“I need you to know that I’m disgusted by it. I love you and I respect you so much and I feel so guilty.”

“You can’t punish yourself for your thoughts, Embry. It’s your actions that show who you are.”

“I know that I’m not thinking about those terrible things on my own. Those thoughts were forced on me. It’s my actions that I’m ashamed of.”

She didn’t understand what he meant at first. Seeing as she wasn’t tied to a bed post, trapped away inside a mountain, what reprehensible actions had he done? Why did he look like he was going to vomit for the first time?

But then she was reminded of a particular, personal experience. 

“You know, when Joey randomly decided to propose to me and tell the world I was a whore for saying no, it felt like the world was ending. The Ledger dropped me. Nobody wanted to hire the reporter who everyone thought screwed her sources. I’d walk around so angry that anyone would believe such a disgusting thing. The idea made me sick to my stomach… but then some wire got crossed for me. It was something I’d never do in real life, but my body found the idea of doing it exciting. I was horrified and felt so embarrassed about it until I realized that a fantasy doesn’t change who I am at heart. Why was I feeling guilty about my body getting aroused when it doesn’t know any better?”

“Your fantasy isn’t encouraging you to harm someone you love.”

“You don’t think I’ve seduced stories out of Starman before? Weaponized knowing his secret identity to get exactly what I want?”

She laughed at his wide eyed expression. It was good to know she could still surprise him.

“I’m not always on great terms with my body. Some days I hate it.”

“Which is just insane to me.”

“But I’m never going to feel sorry for doing something normal. I like sex. I like masturbating. I like making myself feel good in that way, maybe more often than most women. I’m a human being and I’m sexual. I have fantasies and kinks and I shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting to do those things in a safe, consensual way. I know who you are, Embry. I know how you feel and I know you’d never hurt me in that way. I just.. I need you to let that guilt go. It’s hurting you and it’s hurting us.”

“I’m sorry. I only wanted to keep it from you because I’m embarrassed. It upsets me when those feelings happen. I know it hasn’t been fair for me to push you away.” “No, it hasn’t, but I forgive you. Now was that so hard?”

“It wasn’t easy.”

“You’re lucky you’ve got such a deviant human who finds your whole bashful, innocent thing pretty hot,” she grinned, kissing his cheek.

“I’m not innocent,” Embry protested, frowning at her laughter, “We’ve been all over each other for weeks.”

“And it’s been wonderful! I just mean you aren’t.. Well, you know.” “No, I don’t. I thought you were happy with me.” “I am! You’re a romantic. You’re vanilla. You like saying things like ‘make love’ and want to tell me how much you love me while you’re inside me.”

When he made a face at her crass comment, she raised an eyebrow.

Thanks for proving my point.

“I do love you. That’s why I make a conscious effort to not shatter your pelvis. I didn’t realize that was an issue to you.”