through all the calm and mostly chaos—

We were listening to music sa office and a song of Charice/Jake Zyrus played. Then this horrible shiver down my spine was there again. Tumayo talaga ako para i-next yung music cos I can't stand it. E nung bata ako galing na galing ako kay Charice. 🥲

Alam niyo yung mga hear me out crushes? Yung crush mo ang specific person, celeb, or fictional character but you have to explain why? Basta ganon. When Jake was still Charice. My satan ex had a celeb crush on her. Years later when he came out as Jake Zyrus, nagbiro lang ako randomly ng "crush mo yan ah? di na kayo talo ngayon." No laughs, no rebuttal, no reaction. So pinabayaan ko lang. When I was in the room prepping for class shortly after the jokes. Bigla na lang may tumama sa likod ko, then he was just grabbing my arms and talking nonsense like ginagago ko ba daw siya, iniinsulto bla bla. ALL BECAUSE I JOKED ABOUT HIS CRUSH FOR CHARICE AND NAGING JAKE NA SIYA. 🙄

Last April 2025. I got to work in this company na malayo sa usual work na kinukuha ko. I've been in freelance since graduating. I've always handled my own time (work and personal), the comfort of it was all under my control.

But last year, I needed something stable and consistent in addition to my usual projects kasi nagkaron ng employment issues ang mom and kuya ko. So I took the offer from this company that handles Telco/Sales bullshit.

Telco pa lang parang need mo na magback off e charot hahaha. Okay so story time. From training to transition. It was like playing for me. I really enjoyed it, siguro kasi it was new to me. Learning new things? I found it exciting. I excelled actually. From a team of 22, I was the only one who was endorsed by week 12. The rest were sent to continue the transition until week 16.

For months, I've managed to maintain the high metric scores and such. Habang tumatagal, yung playtime learning para sakin? Nakakadrain na. But still naiisip ko, I can still use working there as an escape from all the personal problems at home. It's 8 hours away from home, I'll take it.

But around October, I was promoted to the Tier 2 department. Dapat honored pa ko e noh? Napromote e. It didn't feel like that. It felt like "pinamigay" hahaha. I had anxiety attacks nung time na yun because first, I am not really good with handling drastic changes. Pero sige, kinaya ko naman. I thrived even. For months, I was consistently ranked 1 sa buong department. Sounds like a success story? No, it wasn't.

My health was affected, starting nung nalipat ako, which was by mid October. Umabot sa point na di na ako nakakakain, or kung kumain man ako, isinusuka ko. It went on until November. Before filing for a medical leave of absence. Hindi na ako nakakakain talaga. Pumapasok ako, pero walang kain puro inumin lang. To survive 5 shifts in a row, ang panawid ko lang ay mogu mogu dahil may jellies yun e diba.

Then something tragic happened. Hospitalized. Checked for so many times and akala ko I won't make it na, aray mo. So 1 month and a few days din yun na nawala ako sa company because LOA hihi.

Kahit papano namiss ko magwork dun. Naexcite ako to come back and meet my team and friends din. Third shift from the date na nareinstate ako from LOA? Nasuspend ako. Hahahaha! Lahat sila takang taka kung bakit ako may NTE. Pero sige, management decision e. Tinanggap ko. At least more pahinga diba? Few days ago, nilapag na NOD ng case ko. Nadefend, marereinstate. Babalik na ako sa work.

You know what happened? I was left to wait outside the office for almost 2 hours dahil di maclaim and reactivate badge ko and di ako pinapasok for that. Need daw to coordinate with my supervisor or operation head. So contact naman ako, bawal ang phones sa floor so di nabasa agad ng Operation head, supervisor ko was still on her way to work that time at di niya din nababasa (nakamotor kasi). For that long, nakailang isip na ako, contemplating whether ano ba tamang decision. Until 4am na. Dapat clocked in na ako sa system sana. Aayusin ko pa sana access codes ko and whatever. Dami nang nasayang na oras. Tapos wala pa rin macontact na superior. Di pa rin ako pinapapasok even with multiple updates. Nagplease din ako na icheck sa floor at pano mababasa messages kung bawal nga phone doon hello. Basta grabe yung hassle.

I decided to go home. Di na nga buo sa loob ko bumalik, dapat nga personal na lang ako papaalam pagbalik ko na magreresign at render na lang ako. Ganon pa dadanasin ko. Hehe! Ending sila pa yung nagpiplease bumalik daw ako and all that.

Supervisor: halika na. wag mo na muna ko iwan. sayang running rank 1 ka pa naman sa department.

Ang sarap sabihing "na para bang may bitaw yang pagiging rank 1 ko e. puro nga stress naidulot sa akin" hehe.

Ended up resigning immediately from my position. Sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam as in. Never thought yung pagsusuka ko and di pag-kain nang ayos e mareresolba nung nakapagresign ako.

Now I'm back to my usual projects. Managing my own time again and it's exhilarating. EXHILARATING?? charot hahahaha! Masaya makawala sa stressful environment. Plus sobrang bulok process ng client don hahaha deserve ang 70% outage recently charot HAHAHAHAHA.

“Me quota ang pag-ibig. Sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magiging maligaya. Ang iba, iibig sa di sila iniibig. O iibig nang di natututo. O iibig sa wala. O di iibig kailanman. Pero merong isa sa lima, harangan man ng kulog, ng mga ganid, ng lindol at ng teknolohiya, mahahanap niya ang kanyang mahal. Siya lang ang magiging maligaya."

Marco: Ah wala man lang syang moral responsibility dati?

Gibs: Wow! Moral responsibility.

Marco: Parang bobong bobo kayo sakin dati noh? Nagugulat kayo sa mga sinasabi ko.

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Me: Di pa nakukuha ni kuya papel niya para sa USRn niya nagresign na siya dati tapos ngayon nasa Polyclinic siya.

Marco: Anong ginagawa niya sa Polyclinic?

Me: Ah kasi nurse siya????? Kakainis.

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Marco: Ilang taon na nga si kuya mo?

Me: 35.

Marco: ah kaedad mo?

Me: ANONG KAEDAD?! KUYA KO NGAAAAAAA.

Then there were more tests needed. Cross matching and all that and I was just dumbfounded and numb. Before checking, feeling ko ayaw ko na. Kasi all that was flooding me was my fear. But when it was certain with all the tests na wala. All I could feel was sadness and pain.

Iniisip ko na lang every minute of the day that this was God's plan, but when I'm alone naiisip ko na nasa plans din ba niya lahat ng lungkot at void na nararamdaman ko ngayon kasi parang sobra sobra naman na. Di naman ako masamang tao bat parang sa bilyong tao sa mundo ako lang napagdidiskitahan. Di ba pwedeng yung iba muna? Ilang dasal, rosaryo at novena ba bago maging paborito ni Lord?

There was this clip in F.R.I.E.N.D.S when I was rewatching it earlier. Rachel said, "How can you be upset with something you never had?" You can be upset with it if it was somehow one of your heart's wishes that you are just in denial of. If you have really wanted it but are just afraid (a bit) of other aspects associated with it.

Then he came. I didn't even notice it at first but I was always present. I have given anything easily. Even if I didn't have the time, I made time. When I was at work and my phone was handled by my peer, she was even given instructions that the only notification I'll allow are from my family and him. Others can wait.