i was really manic this entire year because i stopped taking my meds

all i have to show for it is the collection of webcam footage on my mac from 2015

it feels really weird that no one noticed, i don't want to sound pitiful or pretentious, and i tried so hard to hide so much of it, so there's no blame at all to everyone around me

i just wish i had grown more, i wish i had taken my time to become better and treated everyone in my life way better too. i wish i had been kinder to myself instead of falling into the destructive patterns i created in my teens.

it felt like i was over it, as if the day i turned 20 i was supposed to be this new, way nicer version of myself. but i learnt that it's hard to break patterns, that it´s easier to break yourself (crazy eyes emoji) over and over again instead of creating a better future.

i learnt that no matter how hard you try to help someone else change you can't force that either, and forcing it maybe only breaks them too. and i don't wanna break anyone, i don't want my actions at all to impact anyone in any way at this point.

i´m 22 and this is deep, i still don't really know where to turn to, and if you can't easily break patterns maybe you can pick up the better ones like venting on a tumblr account no one sees.

i wish i wasn't bipolar, i wish i didn't hurt people just because i got desperate for change, i wish i could only crave change for the better.

this year wasn't my year, and i really hope the person i´ve been isn´t a reflection of my entire being.

i´ll never forget the person i am without medication, but i hope he stays buried for a while. i hope i never crave more than i can have without forcing others down with it.

i hope i can stay sober from alcohol and i hope for a better 2026

i hope for so much more than i can handle, and if it breaks me to be kinder and better then i know it´ll be worth picking up the pieces again

i raise a 0% glass to the queitiapin/lamotrigin combo, and to everyone who stuck around when i didn´t show i needed it the most.

vad är din favoritsubstans och varför? förresten vad tycker du om att skaffa ett kombinerat pro-ana konto med mig?

vänliga hälsningar emo

min favvosubstans är ketamin tror jag, gnägg. 

tror tyvärr inte jag kan gå med på d, MEN vi kan ha nåt  joinat då jag e rädd för ttwtrr