Seal of Approval

1. Basically they tell us to be ourselves when we meet new people so as the people get to know you, they start liking the real you, but how can they like me let alone meet me or even find me as I stay at home all the time eating and sleeping and just don’t talk. At all. Like, really, it’s been two days already.

2. And the fact that you hate face to face human interaction called small talk as it feels really shallow for a person who sees life as something quite meaningless on a big scale as it passes you by at alarming speed and you kinda want to shrink as someone tries to engage you into a conversation, but as it also feels really difficult to put words together to form a normal sentence and you would rather communicate with memes or patting people on the shoulder as you possess the vocabulary of a toad. Which is quite non-existent.  

3. Also you kinda hate making friends and meeting new people as you know nothing about these beings and you have to start all over to know them, and you need to make an effort which is too much, but you kinda also crave for attention as you resemble a human being despite being robot-like. Don’t make eye-contact, but pat me on the head. 

4. You also need to remember their names and faces and likes and dislikes to be called a friend, which is super difficult for a person with a three second memory and concentration span of a deaf corgi.

5. And as you finally have stabilized your friendship, (kinda) it’s hard to communicate as you kinda want to talk to them and hangout with them, but you have nothing to say or you’re scared to say some stuff, so you kinda just stay quiet and they think you dislike them, because you don’t talk, but you’re only trying to come up with something cool to say and you overthink it and your face goes all resting bitch face activated, so they feel uncomfortable and then you feel uncomfortable for making them feel bad and everything sucks. But you still like them and share your food so everything is okay. Kinda.

So… Tips. Don’t make friends. And if you definitely and unavoidably have to or you’re just too far into it already and can’t back off, don’t be yourself. At least not at first. Hook them up so they can’t back off anymore and then you can release your inner weirdness. And if you really find someone you like and who for some unnatural reasons likes you back, you hold on to that poor soul with your whole existence. Dangle like a koala if you must.

A: How do you think I live?

B: Probably in some shack, considering the fact that you use all of your money on expensive clothing.

A: I know I look great, thank you.

Me: Please don't talk to me before I've had this cookie.

Sis: But you're not even touching it.

Me: Exactly.