🦢

Maybe a little too blunt, but it's out there. "Why are you hiding out here?"

though mila takes anyone disliking her as a personal failure, devon’s words hit her particularly hard precisely because she’s milo’s friend. it’s easy to read into venom directed her way as coming from milo, challenging the carefully built reality mila has crafted. ever since she decided that divorce is her only path forward, she’s clung to the idea that it’s what’s best for both of them. the decision is not just that she could be happier, but because he could too. even if he doesn’t see it yet, there’s a part of him that knows this is the case — just like there is inside her. but if his friends are this upset with her, does that mean she’s wrong? is milo miserable? has this whole thing been a horrible, selfish mistake? “oh,” she mumbles dumbly as devon points out that she was joking. not a very funny one, she thinks to herself. her eyes jerk back to devon as she explains, though it does little to soothe mila’s anxieties. “he’s my friend too,” mila insists, though she no longer knows how true that is.  “i just — it was hot. in there.” without much though, she tacks on, “and loud,” unconsciously echoing devon’s observation upon leaving the stone house. “i just needed a break. what about you? are you having a good night?”

“really? isn’t that kind of a waste of a good cast? if you don’t give them good material?” mila has always loved movies. they’re the safest way for her to experience everything she’s never been brave enough to get herself; she can go anywhere in the world, make impulsive, selfish decisions, access emotions she’s walled herself off from. but she’s never been as interested in what happens behind the scenes. julien and easy can rattle off facts about filming that she never even considered looking for, like where the budget went to. she’s always admired easy’s love of film — filmmaking, really. or maybe she’s envied it? she wonders what it’s like to have a passion he could make a life out of. what it’s like to have a passion at all. “does he really?” mila leans in closer to easy like he’s sharing the juiciest piece of gossip. which, he kind of is, along with his popcorn. her eyes drop to the offering; she takes a few pieces. “does your source know his favorites?” she lets herself believe it’s hairspray, rather pleased by the thought of cynical, antisocial petey enjoying divine’s performance. or maybe he relates to gentlemen prefer blondes and he has big plans for his life post-divorce?  her gaze flicks up to easy again, taking in his features for just a moment before looking away again. “okay, i will. just don’t distract me.”

❝ you seem distracted, ❞ is how he chooses to start the conversation when easy has to step away for something, ignoring entirely whether she actually has or not.

it’s already been a long day, but mila’s doing her best to ignore that, as she’ll be on the clock through the entire movie marathon. it’s a problem of her own making, having readily volunteered to work the whole thing. she’s going to be there anyway, she’d said with a shrug, she might as well help out however she's needed.  but at least julien’s back, and she’s always happy to work with easy. or, she's usually happy to work with easy. there had been a few weeks there where she had dreaded it, but now she’s adapted to their new normal. which is coincidentally a lot like their old normal. mila just treats him the same way she did before filing a divorce complaint; he’s just a friend, her favorite coworker that’s definitely never gone down on her. sure, she’s slipped up here and there — said something flirty or been a little too affectionate — but not enough that anyone would notice. …right? “i do?” mila turns to face julien, wide eyes blinking in confusion. “i’m sorry. what do you need me to do?”

at first, ana thinks mila is joking. the only rational explanation is mila found out about ana and easy’s conversation at the party and she’s attempting to make light of the situation. there’s an extremely long pause after the news breaks— ana waiting in anticipate for a smirk, a giggle, anything. and yet, there’s nothing. it’s quite the opposite, actually. the room is drained of all it’s good energy and that relief she felt a moment ago is short lived. apparently the loyalty ana was so proud of isn’t as unconditional as she’d like to believe. once she’s grasped the severity of the subject matter, ana’s eyes begin to sting with the threat of tears. don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. “oh my god,” she scoffs. in real time, she can feel the emotion of disappointment flip to anger. and maybe jealousy? no, there's no cause to be jealous. she's mad and that's it. easy put her through the wringer with victor, leaving their discussion concerned she went too far. it shouldn't be her place to tell him to stay away from her friend. but, he heard what she said and just went straight for another, proving her right. “easy? you kissed easy? why? he sucks!” she pushes herself off the floor, frantically darting to her feet. “why would you do that? milo was there,” i was there, “what if he walked in?” what if i walked in? now that ana knows it was a possibility, she’s glad she walked in on victor and easy. if she had to stumble upon any of his hook ups that night, at least it wasn’t this one. it would have truly broken her. and if milo hears what happened, it may as well break him too. the metaphorical body of their relationship hadn't even been cold yet. ew, what is she even doing? defending milo? never in her life did ana expect mila would do something as terrible as force her to milo's side of a divorce. however, as awful as it is, she's happy to hide behind a newfound sympathy for milo. she can also use a hatred for easy to her benefit. this is good, because then she won't have to determine the real reason as to why her stomach is in knots, why her muscles are so tense, or why her heart is beating so fast. “i’m going to throw up.”

mila shrinks into herself as the silence stretches between them, hugging her legs closer to her chest. she pulls her sleeves over her hands, wishing she could disappear. typically, it’s easier to be honest with ana, because mila never has anything bad to share. tonight, however, all her flaws are on display. it can’t be more than a few seconds of waiting, but that’s more than enough time for mila to expect the worst.  despite thinking she properly braced herself, ana’s tone makes mila flinch.  “he doesn’t suck,” mila mumbles in half-hearted defense of both her friend and her decision making ability. then, ana brings up milo, and it’s confirmation of all her worst fears. of course she’s a bad person for not thinking of milo, and she’s even worse for not regretting it. “i don’t know, i was drunk, i wasn’t thinking.” mila lets herself believe that’s true, despite knowing full well she was thinking perfectly clearly. but maybe, if she insists it was a mistake, ana will go easier on her. “i don’t know, but he didn’t walk in. no one knows. except the three of us.” well, and shane.  beneath her desperate attempts to appeal to ana sits a seed of annoyance. ana has never liked that mila and milo were together. she was been rooting for them to breakup for almost as long as they were together. but now that they’re divorcing, and mila’s acting like it, ana’s thinking of milo’s feelings? shouldn’t her best friend be happy she’s getting drunk and kissing cute boys? is there no way for her to win? still, she’s mila, so she’s going to try. “i’m sorry, ana. please don’t be mad at me," she pleads, blinking back tears.

"I think you need a pair of these, too."

mila came outside for some fresh air, but as she perches on one of the chairs on the back patio, she longs for a cigarette. her eyes dart towards the sliding door when she hears it open, hopefully searching for someone she can bum a smoke off of. instead, it’s just devon. she doesn’t let her disappointment show on her face. “devon, hey.” but the warm smile on mila’s face falters when she meets devon’s gaze; clearly the affection isn’t reciprocated. though, she supposes that shouldn’t be surprising; mila and devon’s relationship was mostly a by-product of their respective relationships with milo.  devon’s next words only twist the knife. her shoulders slump, just slightly, and her gaze drops. “do you really think that?”

mila hums to herself as she restocks returns, “you make me wanna…” has been stuck in her head since it came on the radio during her drive here. she’s too busy fantasizing about usher to be paying too much attention to where she’s going, and ends up running into dario — dropping the video in her hand. “hi,” she smiles at him, bending down to pick up the truman show. her cheeks flush with his compliment. still, she brushes it off. “i don’t know if it would be too hard to be prettier than i was after waking up hungover at the strip. but thank you, dario, you’re sweet.”  her eyes drop to the takeout container he’s holding. “oh, yeah, i think easy switched shifts with frankie. he should be in later.” she says by way of explanation. “are you sure? i don’t want to steal his surprise, especially if you owe him. then you’ll just have to get them for him again.” she doesn’t know about sit & spin, but if it’s anything like portal, he’s not exactly flush with cash. and she didn’t do anything to earn the present. “i can stick them in the fridge for when he gets in?”

mila’s happy she’s working today, if only so she has something to distract her from easy. she’s not used to relationships moving the way easy’s do, and her ego is still slightly bruised from the party. sure, she hadn’t been stupid enough to expect commitment from him, but she did think he’d at least be able to look at her when all was said and done.  maybe she’s overthinking it, imaging the distance between them now because of her inexperience. after all, their work is hardly impacted, the two move in perfect tandem as they take care of the line at concessions. it’s not as awkward as mila had expected, though nothing with easy has ever been; and that’s probably exactly why it had felt so right to climb into his lap and kiss him.  still, an restlessness settles in when the movie starts, and it’s just the two of them at concessions. “yeah,” mila nods, shooting easy a brief smile. “of course.” she scoops out one more popcorn and wordlessly hands it to easy — they’ve had enough conversations about movies for mila to know his preferred snacks— before sitting next to him. “it’s the only one of the four that i’ve, like, actually watched. i remember when that thing you do! and the commitments came out, but i don’t remember what happens in them” she presses her lips together for a moment. “don’t tell petey.”

for every party that was had in colossal— well, every party harvey had been invited to, something that had only become more frequent in the last few years, he treated mila like a matching north pole, was repelled every time they got close. his reasoning had changed a few times over the years, he always found some sort of rationalization in his head. when they were really young, and before he had transitioned, it was the social ramifications of his crush. then, for some years, it had been a form of mental torture, a reminder of his wasted potential and much less clean image. at least her being married saved him from that train of thought for some time, gave him something else to simmer on. someone else to blame. at this point, though, there was no denying it. he was just plain fucking nervous. so he's been trying to be more chill lately. less avoidant, at least. maybe if he allowed himself to exist near mila, the concept of spending any significant time or energy engaged with her wouldn't be so daunting. yeah, exposure therapy wasn't enough. he's surprised by her approach, all possible greetings playing in his head at once. ( sup. pretty shit party, right? you look good. heyyy. how's it going? show was cool. your ex's house looks like shit. we should ditch. let's ditch. like, now. hey. hello. mila, right? not that one. definitely not that one. you've known her forever! ) he doesn't realize until she's finished that she had already been speaking, looking over at him expectantly. had she asked a question? fuck. harvey's fingers tap anxiously at the plastic cup in his hand "sorry. um, repeat? it's... loud."

whatever strangeness mila had felt being sat the party at the strip without milo by her side is amplified tenfold tonight. it’s incredibly isolating, to not have anyone she can always look for, to move towards every time she finds herself on her own. if it wasn’t bad enough that she doesn’t have his tall frame to move through the crowds with ease, or someone constantly ready to refill her drink, but the parties are at his fucking house; an inherent reminder of him. she’s never felt so alone in a crowd. and maybe that’s why she finds herself drifting harvey’s direction the second she sees him; because she’s guaranteed to get some attention from him. she’s known about his crush for years now (he’s never been very subtle about it), and while the last thing she wants to do is give false hope, it’s also really nice to know that someone likes her. besides, wouldn’t it be mean to reject him without him even making a move? maybe he just wants to nurture his crush in peace. “i like your lights,” she says by way of greeting, offering him a warm smile. it’s clear that his mind is elsewhere though, and he doesn’t immediately reply. that’s fine, mila’s patient. her smile grows when he does respond, oddly endeared. she smiles and shakes her head — no apology necessary — and steps in closer, leaning forward to speak into his ear over the music. “i said i like your lights.”

it’s a relief to hear mila forgive ana, a giant weight lifted off her shoulders. mila already has so much to worry about these days that the last thing she needs is a problem with her best friend. if all other aspect of their lives are blowing up, at least they know they’ll have the other by their side— unconditionally. although, there is still a voice nagging in the back of her head. why didn’t mila express the issues in her marriage sooner? why did she hide it from ana? if there was ever a person to bask in a milo stone shit talking session, it’d be her. none of it makes sense. and she could spend the whole night ruminating, but it'd only piss her off. so, ana pushes away the thoughts, choosing to focus on the here and now. even if it's just for the time being. she can't hold it in forever. she opens her mouth, ready to finish mila’s sentence— a habit they’ve mastered after twenty years. however, the words can’t travel from brain to lips fast enough. mila’s speaking again and what she says next is a shock to ana’s system. a bad person? what does that mean? mila is perfect, admittedly more than she is. ana’s posture snaps straight, both legs folding beneath her. “you’re wrong. you’re a great person,” she’s sure of it. and yet, mila has piqued her curiosity. “why do you think that?”

it’s hard to know how to take ana’s reaction. as much as mila appreciates her loyalty, sometimes it feels so unearned. does ana’s devotion leave her blinded to mila’s flaws? is mila going to the wrong person for this? is there anyone that would be honest with her? does she even want honesty, or is the ideal outcome complete absolution, no matter her crimes? as ana straightens, mila sits back up, tucking her knees into her chest and resting her chin on top of them. she chews on her lip, unable to look ana in the eye. “i kissed easy. when we were snowed in at the strip.” and that’s all she says, she doesn’t share the whole truth about what happened between her and easy, and she certainly doesn’t say that the reason she thinks she’s a bad person is because she can’t find it within herself to regret anything with easy. maybe on day mila will tell ana everything — maybe she’ll even do it tonight — but for now, she has to see how ana reacts to even a fraction of the truth. for all mila knows, this is more than enough for ana to reevaluate her opinion on her. immediately, she realizes she's not the only one impacted by this. “but please don’t say anything," she tacks on. "to anyone. easy’s friendly with milo, and i don’t want him to know anyone knows; i don’t want him to have to worry about anyone else finding out and it spreading.”

taking a step forward, he closes the gap between them and resists the urge to lift her lowered head with a knuckle. ❝ here, ❞ he says, reaching back to fish a lighter from the back pocket of his jeans. he's close enough now for the small flame of it to light up the both of them as he brings it to the end of her stolen prize. once it's caught, he nods at her, a go ahead. ❝ keep it, you earned it. ❞

mila’s ears might be deceiving her, but shane sounds almost… impressed? at the very least, she’s now sure he’s not upset with her. a small, relieved smile tugs at her lips when she hears him laugh. “um, a few hours ago? i was hanging up your jacket — it must’ve fallen from wherever you put it down — and felt the pack in your pocket. i almost got away with it to, but you know how frankie is.” or at least she assumes two months is enough to learn how frankie is. the step he takes towards her stops her ramblings, and she watches the lighter as he lifts it to the cigarette on offer. “i earned it?” her voice is incredulous as her eyebrows pull together. “by stealing from you?” the huff of laughter she lets out is easier to see than it is to hear, as it fills the cold air between them.  “i think you’re the only person that would reward that kind of behavior.” but he has. the cigarette in her hand is burning and shane clearly isn’t taking it from her. mila brings it to her lips and inhales. immediately she feels better.  her eyes flick out to the horizon, watching the snow fall. between the silence on the fire escape, shane’s flirting, and the nicotine, whatever anxieties mila felt about talking to shane after they slept together have started to ease. in fact, being around shane is enough for the weight to lift off her chest for the first time all night; he’s the only one at this party — the only one in the whole town — she doesn’t have to lie to. and it almost seems like he doesn't see her in a far worse light having known what she did. she wonders if he feels like he can be honest with her. a pathetic, desperate part of her hopes he does. she takes another drag of her cigarette in an attempt to gather the courage to try to find out. “i don’t get it," she says as she finally looks at him again. “what do you get out of being an enabler?”

in turn, fallon’s automatic response is to shake her head and dismiss the apology. although she’d spent most of her night hiding out in the stores, it feels more illicit now that it’s morning; if she were to be found by anyone, at least it’s by someone who shouldn’t be there either. “right.” fallon nods, coughing a little after she swallows her coffee. “well, don’t let me stop the good samaritan.” her words don’t have any real bite to them but it comes out tinted with sarcasm nonetheless. she steps aside without offering any assistance, cradling her coffee cup with both hands. there’s no residual anger towards mila; fallon buried her high school grievances a long time ago but it doesn’t change the fact that she has little to say to the other.

fallon’s sarcasm isn’t missed, though, it’s probably warranted, mila has to admit. still, the fact that fallon has her number makes her cheeks flush. sure, fallon might not have any residual anger, but mila has never learned how to put down her guilt. every time mila looks at fallon, she’s fourteen again, making s’mores on juno’s stove. but when she blinks, she’s back in fast breaks, with nearly ten years of unspoken apologies between them. dropping her gaze, mila nods and slips by fallon to start searching for an extra bag of coffee beans. she starts at one of the cabinets below the counter, worrying her lip between her teeth as she pokes past a package of filters. the silence makes her palms itch. “did you sleep well?”

this is what you would call a true ana and mila sleepover. comfortable, relaxed, and secure. the britney spears album she bought from victor earlier today plays softly on the cd player. reruns of party of five is showing on the tv, though it stays muted. they already know what happens in the episodes, she just likes to see jennifer love hewitt on screen whenever possible. mila rests across the foot of the bed and ana sits nearby on the carpeted floor, laser focused on painting her toenails. it feels familiar, exactly like old times. she suggested mila stay the night because she’s been quite lonely in the house ever since parker left. or that’s the excuse ana used, it's only partly true. truthfully, she’s concerned for mila. knowing it’s a gut punch to be forced to change your whole lifestyle after living a certain way for so long. it may not be the same and ana and the other grant kids weren’t the most amicable, but it hurt when one of them would move out. and she imagines that’s what mila is experiencing now— schedules and routines completely thrown off track. after putting the finishing touches on her last nail, ana tightens the cap on the red polish and brings her knees to her chest. she’s been nervous to pose the question, assuming it would just inevitably ruin the light hearted energy in the room. “are you alright?” ignoring any fears, ana lifts her gaze and starts again, “i should’ve asked you sooner. i should’ve asked when you told me about the divorce. i was too worried about making milo the bad guy. i’m sorry,” her expression remains soft, wordlessly telling mila this isn't an attempt to pry, “but, are you doing alright?” and if she were honest with herself, ana would recognize the selfish part of her that hopes mila isn’t okay. its relentless, this desire to be her shoulder to cry on.

ana’s room has always been one of the places that has felt most like home to mila. the chaos of it — clothes strewn across every surface, walls covered in posters and pictures, always new cds to find — is so ana that curling up in her bed is like a warm hug after a long day. so when ana suggested a sleepover, mila had jumped at the invitation. it’s as if ana already knew that being stuck at home alone was driving mila crazy. and ana’s room has just the effect mila had been hoping for. though it’s been a strange few weeks, just seeing matthew fox on the tv is enough to make mila feel a bit better. she’s lying on her stomach, absently flipping through a magazine when ana speaks. the question plucks at a nerve within mila, but through its humming, mila shifts, leaning over the end of the bed so she can rest her cheek on the top of ana’s head. the contact helps her relax, just a bit. “no, you don’t have to be sorry. it’s always nice to know you’re on my team.” even if milo doesn’t deserve any of ana’s ire, her loyalty is always a balm on mila’s nerves. maybe, she can’t help but think, ana would still love her even if she knew what mila did. not because she deserves it, but for loyalty's sake. “i’m okay. or, mostly okay. it’s kind of weird to have so much of my life change so quickly. but that’s fine, it’s just…” her voice trails off as she considers what exactly to tell ana. obviously, shane is off-limits, but ana is her best friend, she has to tell her something.  in the end, mila settles with the vaguest version of the truth, “i think i’m a bad person.”

( @sentimntls )       this dream isn't feeling sweet, we're reeling through the midnight streets.

Less of a joke. A joke all the same, and Merritt smiles at Mila as though she's in on the secret of it all, too. The tension isn't going anywhere and after a long beat Merritt clears her throat and tries again. "Look, I know it's weird. You're feeling weird, I'm feeling weird, we're both, like... You know, it's weird. But also, like, I feel like I can be more honest with you now. Is that crazy?"

mila doesn’t dare let her expression falter at the mention of shane, no matter what strange feelings it stirs in her. it’s definitely strange to know shane is staying at the stones’. shane had promised not to say anything, but she hardly knows him, so she’s constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. she doesn’t know if it’s reassuring that his time with merritt consists of watching tv, or disconcerting that they’re getting close at all. despite knowing it’s a joke, mila is tempted to point out, rather cruelly, that merritt should probably get her coke problem under control before considering bringing a child into the world. obviously, she swallows the comment and laughs warmly at merritt’s antics. “and what step is real world watching? it has to be at least two or three, right?” she spins the basket in her hands. “sounds like things are progressing pretty quickly.”  one thing about merritt that mila has never gotten used to is her lack of a filter. there’s a part other that admires her ability to say whatever’s on her mind, no matter polite it would be to just ignore it. and apparently, merritt isn’t going to ignore the strange tension that lingers between them. mila bites into her bottom lip as her eyes study merritt, trying to determine what, exactly, merritt wants her to say. “no,” she says carefully. “i don’t think that’s crazy.” merritt’s right, this is weird. “i guess it’s like, we always had a relationship that was between our relationship. but now it’s just us.” admittedly, merritt’s friendship is a relationship that has never gotten much of mila’s attention. sure, they were friends, but the more important distinction was that merritt was milo’s sister. it strikes mila now that that will probably never change. if mila was honest with merritt, their friendship would be over. but if merritt wants to try, mila can play along. “but you can be honest with me.”