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ok so turns out this is longer than I thought it would be so im gonna put a little tldr at the point where it’s important and not just me being long winded as usual

I don’t even know where to begin and I was so certain I’d handle this with the same privacy as I did before, but like I don’t have a big following on here anymore and I’m still kind of processing and yes I still want to stay relatively private but also I don’t think one of the 3ish people who might see this are going to have any bad intentions ?? I’m so so so paranoid when it comes to things that are important to me because thanks to… life experiences in general… I’m terrified of losing or harm coming to every good thing that comes to me. That’s one of the primary reasons I’ve remained so private regarding my daughter, in addition to the fact that initially I was just embarrassed to admit that I’d gotten remarried or whatever that situation could be called to the person I knew most people would judge me for, and that I got unintentionally pregnant like immediately and yes it’s worked out so unimaginably well alhamdulillah but yeah going through w all that was risky. and then I had soooo many unforeseen issues with that pregnancy— HG, IUGR, preeclampsia which called for an early induction— that I’ve spent forever stressing about whether I can even do another pregnancy because the HG in particular was legitimately traumatic and the worst experience of my life and as I always say, I gave birth unmedicated and would rather do that every day for a month than go through an HG pregnancy again

WELL turns out I don’t have to make that decision because guess who showed up for her IUD appointment PREGNANT !! so then there’s been this weird mix of emotions because on one hand yeah I had HG again by 6 weeks and it’s been a living hell even with them being willing to give me allll the meds right away this time (alhamdulillah for that because it WAS slightly better) and my husband had to take a month off of work to care for everything because I was quite literally dying in bed unable to keep even water down or get up unassisted and vomiting until my eyes were bloodshot and on top of it all the mom guilt was real and missing out on so much time and normalcy with my baby was genuinely depressing, but then even with that, on the other hand there was some weird sense of relief that I didn’t have to make the decision to put myself through that again if that makes sense?? It happened and I was rolling with it and I could just tell myself I’m so glad to be getting it out of the way sooner rather than later. Yeah the idea of two under two is daunting and for some reason a little embarrassing? but if anyone is cut out for it, I’m probably pretty high up there on the list and I’m so glad my daughter will be getting a sibling after all inshaallah. So many anxious questions I’d been dealing with since, honestly, the first pregnancy when I realized I never wanted to do that shit again, automatically resolved. Baby gets a sibling— and a close one at that—, the timing is sorted, I do get the second kid so I can call it quits without guilt despite still mourning the fact that I’ll most likely never get the big family that I always wanted. literally one of the discussions I had with my husband in that first month was that I was done done + it would be my call alone if I ever even considered another, and he straight up went, “yeah fair”

First confirmation scan at 10 weeks went well alhamdulillah and I fully relaxed being mostly in the clear for early miscarriage, which with being so so sick I more or less expected. Still, selfishly, I will admit that my main concern nearly had more to do with making sure I wasn’t going through all that sickness “for nothing.” I’ve had a missed miscarriage before that my body didn’t register had no heartbeat for over a month and I would have been absolutely pissed and demoralized if I went through a month of the HG for that to happen again. I wouldn’t even blame someone for judging me for saying that, because until you’ve experienced HG you truly cannot comprehend the mental and physical torture that it is and I think in the past I’d have thought that is a really selfish preoccupation but like… those with HG get it you know.

tldr;

So ANYWAY. Aside from the new pregnancy reveal that’s all actually kind of background information. Here’s where it goes from like okay sure that’s personal info and great but normal, right. I went in for my NT scan yesterday since we opted not to argue with insurance about the nipt (for those of you unfamiliar with pregnancy, these are just routine screening tests for chromosomal and genetic issues. The NT includes an ultrasound).

BRO. BRO. BROOOOOOOO. MY FIRST SCAN MISSED A TWIN. I’m less than a week away from my second trimester and just now finding out I’m having di/di twins and am looking at 3 under 2. My daughter’s first birthday is next week and these kids are due 18 months apart to the day. Now, given that it’s twins I probably will not make it to my due date, but yeah.

So many emotions. So many thoughts. I am happy alhamdulillah but I’m also scared that we have no clue what we’re really getting into lol. This is a lot. I don’t even think the full level of the insanity this is has hit home. I have absolutely 0 family history of twins, though I did recently learn from searching my 23andMe data for fun that I’m a hyperovulator.

Details wise this risks me out of midwifery care which is a little sad because I loved that experience with my daughter and got absolutely everything I wanted out of it, but I’m excited to speak with the mfm and learn more because right now it’s just been me and 18 hours of obsessive googling.

The biggest thing is not even that it’s twins tbh. That would be shocking and amazing no matter what, yes, but it’s the fact that it’s SURPRISE twins !! They missed one !!! And I’m not mad, like it happens, and this is such a fun little story now lol. My phlebotomist that day told me in all her years with the practice she has only seen this happen one other time!!

And it’s kind of funny how it happened, too. So I hopped up on the bed for the ultrasound and as SOON as that probe touched skin I saw them clear as day in their little bunk beds. It took me a second to actually have a coherent thought because I KNEW but honestly my first thought was that one must not have a heartbeat and that’s how it got missed before, but then I also knew that didn’t make sense because I know what a nearly 2nd trimester fetus looks like and both these babies looked developed and on track (and both did end up measuring ahead!! aH). Anyway, the sonographer took one look at my face and said “OH MY GOD YOU DIDNT KNOW!!” and we burst out laughing and then I also started crying and shaking like I have never shaken before. The adrenaline rush was unreal. She later said she immediately saw them as well and assumed the “singleton” in my file must be a misprint or whatever, but then she saw my face and and was like ohhhhhhhh.

And then my husband. My poor husband. I’m already nearly hysterical, shaking, the sonographer is still laughing with me, and my husband goes, “uh, what’s going on?”

It was such a fun appointment. This is the sonographer who did my anatomy and then later growth scans for my daughter and tbh I did not vibe with her at the time. But we had such a good time yesterday and her demeanor and sense of humor and reassurances that everyone looked perfect left me feeling so grateful. She was also excited because since the midwives don’t oversee twins she almost never gets the chance to get the studies she needs to finish whichever accreditation she’s doing, so she kept telling us this was actually really helpful for her, too, lol. Also, so crazy that we almost didn’t do the NT scan this time!! I’d actually decided not to and then changed my mind, and if I hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t have found out it was twins until the 20 weeks anatomy scan that’s two months away.

so yeah this has been absolutely nothing less than surreal to the maximum and I’m still reeling but also doing pretty well with it !! and this has been extremely hard to keep to myself already so while I’ll still be picky about what/how/when/with who I share, I do think I’m going to be a little less private than I was with my first pregnancy, if all goes well inshaallah

OHH and one last thing!! A miracle has occurred. Honestly I’d be going on and on about this if it weren’t for the obviously more shocking aforementioned miracle lol. Medication has been controlling my HG to about 90-95% comfort level during the day (nights still inevitably get worse which is common w the condition for some reason) as of like 4-5 days ago, so I am also overwhelmed by surprise and gratitude for that because I was sick into my third trimester with my daughter (and BADLY until 22 weeks) and this has been a completely unexpected relief and I feel so so so much better mentally. I’m guarding my heart that it could be just a temporary bit of relief as that is known to happen (and happened randomly for 5 days at 17 weeks with my daughter!), but I can’t help but hope that since it does coincide with the first trimester coming to an end, that it does signal permanent improvement. Ya Allah pleaseeeees

like do you guys roll you eyes at me or would anyone be genuinely interested